The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

....steak................but he got no further because there was a crunch! and he saw "Bastard", the neigbour's huge Hereford Cross Bull breaking through the fence and heading straight for him, but just as he got within rage, bull floated down in his Jacka.............

 

 

[onetrack]

.... and got between the two, causing confusion to reign supreme. Menatimes, Hi Ho, Captain and Turgid were gathering their collective wits and discussing a plan of action on how to get out of the paddock while the bull was distracted. "I'm flying the Parnall out of here, quick smart!" said Hy, as he swung the prop on the 32HP Bristol Cherub (long overdue avref) - "but I can only take one passenger! Which one of you is volunteering!?" "Take me!! Take me!!" squeaked the Rat, as he pushed Turgid to one side, with real fear showing in his eyes. The problem was trying to discern if the fear was related to the bull coming back, or of getting into the passengers seat of the Parnall, with Hy Ho at the controls. After all, Hy was commonly known as "Ooops Hy", due to his regular clumsiness, which left a trail of breakages in his wake. This was purely a facet of his Viking heritage, because the Vikings were largely pretty careless at taking care of delicate things. Meantimes, Turgid was shoving back. No puny Rat-faced reprobate from Kapooka was going to stop him from leaving the paddock, and an angry bull behind, as quickly as he could. The Rat ended up face-down in the mud....

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....and Turbo, who hadn't seen him fall mistook him for a New Australian fresh from the Sub Continent and magnanimously gave up his seat to Captain, who he just realised the noise coming from the Cherub's engine was a loose valve seat flopping around in the combustion chanber and..........

 

 

[bull]

At that inopportune time,with a bounce that would do a roo proud the jackaroo came hurtling on to the scene,as the tail dropped all that could be seen was the spinning prop [avref] and two long horns hanging over the side swerving from side to side he...………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

[Note to prospective authors: the story now has three bulls, but only two animals. There are still three animals but one of them is the Captain. Bull with a lower case b, from bone is an ace pilot, but we’re not sure what he identifies at this stage.]

 

 

[turboplanner]

....got ready to make contact. bull had been brought up tough in the old school “never give up” and “snoozers are losers” and he nearly pushed the throttle through the firewall. Turbo knew the Hereford bull (not bull from bone) had to give way, and he knew the bull ( not bull etc) was a stud worth $30,000, but he was also conscious of the feelings of the Animal Rights people and these days used a Lash-Less Whip which he now pulled from behind the seat of the Land Cruiser and loaded with two No 6 bird ticklers. He snapped it up and let both barrels go at once, and the bull rose a full metre into the air and swerved towards Turbo, as the Jab went skimming past. Turbo had only grabbed two cartridges from the glove box and he knew that kissing the bull on the nose (known as the Animal Rights method) probably wasn’t going to pacify the bull, when an Animal Rights activist driving past on the highway pulled to a stop, jumped the fence and .....

 

 

[Captain]

…….. superglued himself to the bull's horn (I think that is what it is called).

 

The bull was angrier than a delayed London train commuter and …………..

 

 

[Captain]

HELP PLEASE ………...

 

Your dedicated newshound Skipper has been fascinated with the US/Ukraine discussion and the term used there "Quid pro quo" and Skipper is confused (which is very unusual) as your ace reporter Cappy had heard stories from his great mate Turbo from back in the '50's (He used to be known as "SU Carby" back then) that when in Woolloomooloo he would often pay a quid to a pro named Quo, so how come Tink's lascivious past is coming up again when Tink no longer can?

 

 

[turboplanner]

HELP PLEASE ………...

 

Your dedicated newshound Skipper has been fascinated with the US/Ukraine discussion and the term used there "Quid pro quo" and Skipper is confused (which is very unusual) as your ace reporter Cappy had heard stories from his great mate Turbo from back in the '50's (He used to be known as "SU Carby" back then) that when in Woolloomooloo he would often pay a quid to a pro named Quo, so how come Tink's lascivious past is coming up again when Tink no longer can?

 

The Captain must be unaware that a building was being demolished in the Loo recently and an old tin MacRobertson's chocolate box was found.

 

In the box was a manuscript for a boo written by Quo entitled "The Best and the Worst of the Daily Grind". Turbo was interviewed by a journalist who was writing a story about some of the gentlemen who had come into Quo's life, and Turbo had been picked for Chapter Four - How I became a Stud.  "Who is this Captain?" he asked Turbo "and what does "it took forever allude to". Turbo had known about Captains affliction for years and artfully covered it up with the story about Quid pro Quo.

 

Quid pro Quo was simply a pact between Turbo and Captain (who has conveniently forgotten, to cover his tracks) where they shared a jar on the mantlepiece and put a quid in it whenever they could (they were both paperboys at the time), and when they had enough money for two they went to see Quo. Turbo just happened to mention this to Don Trump when they were at Princeton together.

 

Turbo presumes is is the President of the United States saying "You screw them first (the Democrats), and then I'll have a go"

 

 

[turboplanner]

…….. superglued himself to the bull's horn (I think that is what it is called).

 

The bull was angrier than a delayed London train commuter and …………..

 

......flopped his horn all over the place until the ARA was pulling 5Gs positive (avref), and ripped all the skin from his bum.

 

Smelling the blood, the second bull.........

 

 

[onetrack]

...said to himself, "there's more Bull here, than in a days talk in Parliament. I think we need more heifers". With that, he loped off to find that golden paddock of willing young heifers. Then he remembered the old bulls advice, when they spotted the last paddock full of heifers. "Don't run, and just do a few, Son - Just walk, and do them all!" - so at that, he slowed to a steady walk.

 

Meantimes, the Rat had snuck up to the pilots seat on the starboard side of the idling Parnall Pixie, while Hy Hosland was checking the security of the elevator hinges on the port side. With his car-stealing skills honed to a fine art, the Rat was about to transfer them to aircraft-stealing skills. He leapt up and threw himself into the pilots seat, and shoved the throttle forward.

 

The Bristol Cherub responded instantly, roaring into propeller-whirling action, and the Pixie leapt forward, leaving Hy Hosland standing there, mouth agape, as he suddenly realised that the last 13 years of his life was being stolen!! He ran after the departing aircraft, but he wasn't fast enough to catch it.

 

All he could hear above the roar of the Cherub was a maniacal laugh, coming from the Rat, as he yelled out, "So long, suckers!! I've ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...........and then there was silence as the Cherub's engine cut out. He pulled back hard on the stick, and the Cherub dropped a wing and headed for the ground. Lockily he remembered Turbo's sound advice "Engine out, stick forward fast" amd he salvaged the situation fifty feet from the ground only to be blinded by the yellow haze of 500 acres of Canola crop. The Cherub had a glide ration like a cross cut saw and settled into the Canola, which ripped the bottom out of the Cherub allowing Canola seed to squeeze up his legs into his underpants and under his shirt and wipes all over the exposed parts of his body. He stank like a skink. Quickly turning the fuel tap to "ON" he waited for someone to come along, and it was Turbo, running as fast as he could, but as he good nearer he hesitated. "POOOH!" he yelled, "you stink worse than a polecat!"

 

"I might be dying" replied the Captain, his voice breaking in fear. "I................"

 

 

[Captain]

...........and then there was silence as the Cherub's engine cut out. He pulled back hard on the stick, and the Cherub dropped a wing and headed for the ground. Lockily he remembered Turbo's sound advice "Engine out, stick forward fast" amd he salvaged the situation fifty feet from the ground only to be blinded by the yellow haze of 500 acres of Canola crop. The Cherub had a glide ration like a cross cut saw and settled into the Canola, which ripped the bottom out of the Cherub allowing Canola seed to squeeze up his legs into his underpants and under his shirt and wipes all over the exposed parts of his body. He stank like a skink. Quickly turning the fuel tap to "ON" he waited for someone to come along, and it was Turbo, running as fast as he could, but as he good nearer he hesitated. "POOOH!" he yelled, "you stink worse than a polecat!"

 

"I might be dying" replied the Captain, his voice breaking in fear. "I................"

 

……. have been fading in and out of consciousness  and through the fog of delirium I dreamt that the Onetrick has given me a full body massage with margarine.

 

"Erky Perky" chorused hundreds of NES readers "Did your dream/nightmare have a happy ending?"

 

"Happy ending?" said the brave Skipper "I smell like the winnower in a canola harvester and he took advantage of me."

 

"Was it Rape?" asked the crowd, which was a pretty leading question on a public forum such as this.

 

NES readers can now choose from the below 2 replies, which will select the future direction (avref) of the NES (so it will all be your fault).

 

Reply #1 (with due deference to The Life of Brine) …. "Well, …….. at first".

 

Reply #2 (Rural in-joke) …… "No, you dill, ...…. it was Canola."

 

………………………... 

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo knew the answer was No2 from his own personal experience of the skunk-like smell of Rape, which was why his family farmed pigs instead,  and his sister had also had a close up experience with the euphamism, Canola. (Just imagine if the wife said "what would you like on your toast dear?" and you said "Rape".

 

So he told the Captain to say nothing. Now Cappy especially since his gender change could throw a good hissy fit and proceeded to question the marriage status of Turbo's parents.

 

"I'm only trying to help you abvoid what happened to my sister when she said she'd been canola'd after rubbing her leg up against a young farmer at the Deni Ute Muster. The problem came when......

 

 

[onetrack]

... she suddenly realised the juice running down her leg was oiler than it should be - because she thought at first, it was beer. "Rape!!", she cried - leading to a massive crowd reaction caused by the misunderstanding of what she'd actually meant. The innocent young farmer was grabbed and pummelled around before he could even get a word in, trying to explain that it was canola from his sandwich spread, that had caused the drip. 

 

Meantimes, Hy had arrived on the scene of the crash, and proceeded to abuse the hapless Cappy, who was literally stuck between ....

 

 

[Captain]

...... an oil covered rock & a hard .....

 

 

[Captain]

"I'm only trying to help you abvoid what happened to my sister when she said she'd been canola'd after rubbing her leg up against a young farmer at the Deni Ute Muster. The problem came when......

 

...... the the young farmer, whose name was "Problem" rubbed his leg one too many times and c........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...aught it in the winnower which began.....

 

 

[Captain]

...aught it in the winnower which began.....

 

..... a long and complicated investigation, as Mufti/constable Doubtfire thought he said "widower" which was against Sharia Law and was not Halal certified either, so ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

. To get out of trouble he had to make a Fatwa (big baby) and this would be difficult because....

 

 

[Captain]

. To get out of trouble he had to make a Fatwa (big baby) and this would be difficult because....

 

.... he was lacking a vagina, but that had never stopped Tink before, so he .....

 

 

[Captain]

EXPLANATORY NOTE.... Tinks 3 girlfriends and numerous nippers were over in an ISIS camp in Syria after Tink (now known as Turbo bin sick el planner) had become nervous & confused from stage fright when making his Jihad (& Gee-hosaphat) video and had submitted his demands but threatened to cut his own head off unless they were met. However he missed them and their letterboxes, so he ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

...........applied for Turkish Citzenship, and........

 

 

[Captain]

...........applied for Turkish Citzenship, and........

 

... but was only granted White Leghorn citizenship on a trial basis.

 

"We don't want him & his non-existent vagina" said Erdy Erdogan to his .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

Chief of staff who posted him back home as an EBay order. He got around the had fact that Australian Customs would know that no one would be likely to order Captain, by marking that parcel “Free Sample”. Hey was at the freight terminal with an itemized repair cost invoice, and demanded......