The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

.....choreographer, and Turbo blushed at this unexpected compliment.

 

”Don’t cry” Turbo said “ look on the bright side. Six hundred horses charged

 

Into the valley of the shadow of death and the  Cook family ran the other way straight into the support cannon, which had just been loaded with grape, a sad loss I agree, but you got rid of all the inbreeding in one hit, so you didn’t have to marry your sister and.....

 

..... become like a Western Australian.

 

"We don't marry our sisters" said The Onetrick indignantly, "But we do .....

 

 

[bull]

 live near the RAT,

 

 

[Captain]

 live near the RAT,

 

…….. which many find uplifting, and which Turbo even lists for his Moorabin hovel (490 kms SW of Le Maison de Rattus) but some ……….

 

 

[onetrack]

....Tasmanians heard about marrying their sisters, and wanted to know more - but they were informed by The Rat, it was no longer legal, either on the mainland, or in the Apple Isle.

 

However, The Rat took great care to omit any information relating to intermarrying in his family in previous centuries, as coming from a mob of bushrangers (and in selecting Captain as his nom-de-plume, hoping it would elevate him in the eyes of any plebs who heard him being called that), there'd been more intermarrying in his family, before it was banned, than even in the backwoods of Kentucky. The Rat also took great care to destroy all the records relating to the number of village cretins in local records, for fear of his family name cropping up more than a few times.

 

Meantimes, back at the Cowra RSL, there was talk of a damaged Zero having been found, and the old fellas were getting ready to pull out the SMLE's and open up the armoury to dispense 50 rounds each, of the most recent (1945) production .303 copper jacketed ammo, to anyone who could personally remember the Cowra breakout. Because, where there was one Zero, there were bound to be a heap of Japs ready to fly the Rising Sun, and hide in trees with sniper rifles. "Yeah, I can remember", said Sgt Wally Jones, when the Japs overran our position at Menari.....

 

 

[Captain]

....T. Because, where there was one Zero, there were bound to be a heap of Japs ready to fly the Rising Sun, and hide in trees with sniper rifles. "Yeah, I can remember", said Sgt Wally Jones, when the Japs overran our position at Menari.....

 

Not wishing to interfere in the usual smooth flow of the NES ..... but as usual,  the onetrick pony had it wrong. His reference above to "one Zero" was actually a "10", so 10 Zeros. "What & bugger me" said Wally "There are 100 of them now? Bugger me again (but Turbo declined this time)" 100 Zeros (or was it 1000), no wonder they were overrun at Menari .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

......although it was later found that they had delayed joining battle by half an hour while they finished their two up game, which was.......

 

NES NEWS

 

Onetrick's comments about the Captain's past may have triggered a bew panic in the UK which will make Brexit look like a Church fete.

 

NES readers may remember a few years ago that Turbo was visited by a couple of ASIO FoIs and told not to continue with his expose of the gruesome story of Captain Cook's visit to Cooktown and any reference to what happened in the rainforest in the hinterland. It seems that someone else may have go on to the story. 

 

[Captain]

......although it was later found that they had delayed joining battle by half an hour while they finished their two up game, which was.......

 

..... very questionable as just what was meant by "two up", given that the words were not hyphenated. Were they playing the well known gambling game with high thrown coinage of the realm or was there high jinks where they enjoyed that activity where videos exist on the dark web and in dark rooms where two up meant ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......just the same as it always meant. Men who volunteered to flght in WW2 all knew that, but the few commies, one of which we know well, would have trouble working that out because they were always excluded from serious assembly of the soldiers and are always making gaffes about what happened in certain battles, and whether there were any hyphens in words. The noise in the Casino was suddenly drowned out by the start of the Air Show where....

 

 

[Captain]

.... bull had his throttle pushed thru the firewall as he flew in a very tight formation with a Jabiru.

 

"Whoa" said bull as he pulled (flyboy ref) the throttle back to idle "I thought those Jab's did around 100 knots, but when I was holding station 10 ft off its wingtip I realised that it was a dinky di jabiru on cruise towards Kakadu and I nearly kak'd myself (with doo doo)". 

 

bull accelerated again (which pushed his hemet {on his head} back into the ejaculation seat), rolled to the right and .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....at that moment realised some wag had been playing solitaire on the EFIS and.....

 

 

[Captain]

.....at that moment realised some wag had been playing solitaire on the EFIS and.....

 

... bull thought "What's even more stranger is that I dont have an EFIS, just a FIS, as we won't get an E version up here in Qld for another 43 years, so mine is just a mechanical FIS (but I wondered where that pack of cards came from) and there are .....

 

 

[bull]

certain points that i,d like to address Now i,m pretty easy going sort of, but for someone to even think about mentioning the words "bull' and "jabiru in the same sentence i find extremely offensive. And further more the reference to rolling to the right is blatant misinformation about my trusty steed [modified jackaroo,,avref] and the aerobatic capabilities of a Scott Winton designed early TRUE ultralight,,which i ALSO find offensive...EEEeeen they picking on old bull...............ps   As to the EFIS whatever that stands for f/k,s   but i always use the old trusty ifr method of navigation while flying vfr,,, [Was pretty good up in Bone in the early days]only one main rd and the go,s to the big smoke to the north,and the coal pits to the south, and that other coaly place to the west,,olllingsville or something ,[was one of Turbo,s hidden family secrets about his uncle in Olllingsville.  Now the local paper said......................

 

.

 

 

[onetrack]

....that the Cappy and Turbo had been seen hightailing it at warp speed to the Airshow, where the Cappy was always pestering the pilots of the shiny new aircraft, trying to impress them with his knowledge of EFIS's, EGT's, CHT's, ABC's, and XYZ's.

 

After a few minutes of talking though, they realised the Cappy was talking a lot of crap, and he was obviously just a tool who was obsessed with shiny paint, tinted Lexan windows, and go-faster stripes.

 

In fact, it's been rumoured he painted go-faster stripes on his Jab because "someone in the know", told him it'd add 5kts to his cruise speed.

 

To this day, he swears the stripes make the Jab run smoother, use less fuel, and go 10kts faster in cruise.

 

He's also looking for one of the world-famous 200mpg carburettors right now, because he's a skinflint too, and hates paying out big dollars every week for that expensive avgas.

 

Then Turgid spotted something that made him stiffen up, and he called out to Cappy, "Cappy, get a look at this......."

 

 

[Captain]

.... Then Turgid spotted something that made him stiffen up, and he called out to Cappy, "Cappy, get a look at this......."

 

……… as he pointed to Mavis and Eeeen, doing a modern version of dirty dancing at the opening ceremony of the airshow.

 

Eeeen carried it off wonderfully well, as he always does when he dances in his rather risqué and explicit one-man shows around the country, where he always looks like a modern joint incarnation of Patrick Swayze and John Travolta in hot pants, but Mavis let him down when Eeeen lifted her onto his shoulders because she clung onto her wheely walker and ……….

 

 

[turboplanner]

......as Een flung her into the air and stepped forward to take the weight he pushed too hard and not only did the wheelie walker fly up and hit him in the balls but the extra push sent Mavis canoeing between the Shire President and his wife who had been doing the Foxtrot.....

 

 

[Captain]

......as Een flung her into the air and stepped forward to take the weight he pushed too hard and not only did the wheelie walker fly up and hit him in the balls but the extra push sent Mavis canoeing between the Shire President and his wife who had been doing the Foxtrot.....

 

………. with a beautiful twist that sees them receive free entry in next years version of Cum Dancing.

 

As the Shire Prez and his missus did one of their final Trots du Renard, there was a controversy that still rocks bone and the airshow joint to their socks to the present day, when the lid on the seat of Mave's walker fell open, her new and used Depends fell out, and then the crowd gasped in unison when ……….

 

 

[bull]

turdys uncle from Ollinsville started...……...

 

 

[onetrack]

....for the exit, with Mavis' walker, while Mavis was still scooping up her Depends. A cry of outrage rang out through the dance hall, and......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....for the exit, with Mavis' walker, while Mavis was still scooping up her Depends. A cry of outrage rang out through the dance hall, and......

 

....the Captain wondered if “Tested by Captain Cook had been a good idea. The Shire President was walking towards Captain with.....

 

 

[Captain]

....the Captain wondered if “Tested by Captain Cook had been a good idea. The Shire President was walking towards Captain with.....

 

... admiration in his eyes.

 

"It was brilliant how you wove that Depends promo into the story, when you are the importer and Turdboy is your biggest customer, so can you arrange me a few free samples, as I want to ......

 

 

[onetrack]

.... show potential clients, how you can be just like the Cappy - feeble and incontinent - and yet still be able to attend Airshows and dances, without a worry in the world about a "little accident", ruining your whole day! You're better than many a travelling salesman, and with your ....

 

 

[Captain]

.... jaunty spirit, your professionalism, your rugged flyboy looks, your sixpack, your broad shoulders "Oh stop it" interjected the crappy Cappy, who is as modest & unassuming as the day is long, but .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....tends towards narcissism and is often heard muttering "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all" then waiting around for the next ten minutes waiting for the answer which never came.

 

Turbo once hid a voice activated recording which said "Captain Captain standing there, you might as well get a chair".     And he did.........

 

 

[Captain]

..... because Daniel had asked him to Chair the group who would rebuild the Mextoria & Vicmanistan Police Service, as well as the Flatten & Rebuild Moorabin Action Group.

 

The FARMAG task was simple. "Flatten Moorabin" was the edict issued by the Chairperson and 17 contractors offered to do it without charge.

 

But getting the Walloper Service back into shape was more difficult because .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....a joint task force had been formed a couple of months back consisting of the Wagga Wagga constabulary and six big Vicpol under cover operators who looked like basketballers on steroids.

 

Drug dealing had spread from the Murray to the Murrumbidgee, thought to be due to fruitgrowers using over-size tinnies with twin 200 hp outboards to quickly avoid the divvy vans of the NSW police.

 

The plan was to have the undercover operatives standing on the river bank pretending to fish, while observing the number of boats and taking photos of the people in them.

 

Many of us have holidayed along those rivers and have a vision of the typical fisherman, and you can imagine that by the time a boat has passed the third basketballer on steroids wearing a grey suit and  carrying a Snapper road and reel, that they would be just a tiny bit nervous.

 

Unfortunately it was our old friend Constable Doubtfire who pointed this out to the Vicpol members in just two words. The brawl lasted.......