The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

"Turbo, Turbo, Schmurbo" said the Onetrick venomously "I just reset the story and Tinker has already turned it around to be Tinkerbell-centric again. He really is a difficult YYYY"

 

However, while Turbs distracted Onesie, the ever loyal Rattus sent the signal that would activate the sleeper cells of Jihadist eastern staters who had infiltrated the west over recent years.

 

"Bugger ISIS" was their rallying cry "We are FIFO" & with that a Ratwah was issued which clearly stated .....

 

 

[Captain]

By way of further explanation and full disclosure, the hard line FIFO movement was led by a secretive native Australian breadmaker who was a member of the Bashir family.

 

Abo-Baker Bashir lived on a quiet rural property near Albany.

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....that all people born in WA were illegitimate, unclean, especially buldozer drivers.........

 

 

[Captain]

.....that all people born in WA were illegitimate, unclean, especially buldozer drivers.........

 

..... who are the worst of the worst, except perhaps for truck designers and anyone who lives west of Border Village.

 

Abo-Baker (or ABB as his mates knew him down at the pub) sat against a wall beside his AK47 giving an interview to the ABC as the hot cross buns were about to come out of the oven.

 

"Do you know that our initials are similar?" he said "As is our politics ..... and have a bun which I call Templar-Tempters and if you ever .....

 

 

[Captain]

By way of further explanation and full disclosure, the hard line FIFO movement was led by a secretive native Australian breadmaker who was a member of the Bashir family.

 

Abo-Baker Bashir lived on a quiet rural property near Albany.

 

AND RATTY'S VERY CLEVER JOKE WENT STRAIGHT OVER TUBB'S HEAD, UNACKNOWLEDGED, AS USUAL. Not that the bashful Rodent ever seeks acknowledgement.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo humbly apologises for allegedly missing a joke which the Captain may or may not have cracked.  There have been times when Turbo has walked up to the Wagga Coffee Shop he sometimes condescends to visit to see him tittering beyond control as he rereads his old posts again and again, showing them to anyone who visits the shop. However he'd like the Captain to know that he does appreciate the hard work which goes into writing humour.

 

 

[Captain]

The WA-nker government immediately mobilised once Onesie reported the Rodent's post #10904 and they sent a Seal Team on a seek & destroy mission to take out the native australian scone maker.

 

However the mission failed and the seals returned to their base in Mangeymuttup, when they couldn't get past Southern Cross because they ran out of fish and their flippers were chafed.

 

The FIFO cells rejoiced, Onesie was worried and ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....being a lateral thinker fitted them with 10 hp Evinrude outboards, attached by a special harness. They got to the bakery about noon, and marched down the street. ABB saw them coming and fearlessly marched out into the street to face them.

 

The Seals went for their guns; ABB went for his buns.

 

It was over in six throws with the Seals laid out cold. 

 

There was general laughter from the verandahs along the street. "told you his scones were like rocks" said  Youseph Abdullah.

 

ABB turned to face..........

 

 

[onetrack]

....the assembled gathering, which promptly degenerated into a wine-swilling punch-up over the quality of the baked goods, thanks to copious amounts of low-grade Hunter Valley wines, well-known for their lower quality than Western Australian wines, and most often used for the contents of goon bags. However, those Easterners, having little experience of the taste of good wines, would drink anything, because they were mostly hardened alcoholics, and they wouldn't know good wine from bad.

 

"Ahhh, this velly velly bad show", said the Chinese PM of NSW, SumTin Wong - who'd recently bought his political position after fleeing HK, and using his Chinese backers in Sydney to overwhelm the Armenian Jewish cabal who'd previously run NSW.

 

"Ostrayluns should not drink cheap Ozzie wine, when plenty of cheaper Chinese wine is available to purchase", stated SumTin Wong - who had 78 relatives involved in grape-growing and wine-making in China, using technology stolen from Australian grape growers and winemakers, via keyloggers and trojans hidden inside their cheap Huawei phones.

 

"But thish shtuff is good shtuff", slurred the Captain, as he fell over a plastic chair, whilst making a lunge for a nearby large-bosomed waitress. "I can tell thish stuff is.........

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......but before he could pour what he was going to pour where he was going to pour or say what he intended to say, Turbo put a vicelike grip around his shoulders and said "Come with me old friend, we have an appointment forst thing in the morning....................."

 

Not many people know that at the real cutting edge of the grape harvester there are combs to guide the grapes into the cutters, and harvesting goes on 24 hours a day, so from time to time sleeping birds, possums and various spiders find their way in with the grapes which are then crushed. You can tell a wine where the bird poulation is high from its more fruity taste. There's no harm in this extra fauna load because after the grape juice has been crushed out it goes through the distilling process where all bacteria are killed.

 

It's important to keep that in mind when we explained that fiur years ago, Turbo, an avid follower of a green society and recycling wherever possible realised he could capture the excretions from the cats and pipe it into vats, which he had been selling to WA wineries in ever increasing quantities. You didn't have to grow grapes, you didn't have to crush grapes, so all the wineries had to do was pipe it from the vat to the distillery. The taste, once it had aged for a few years, was delicious, or that's what the wine makers said. It wasn't very woody, but the acidity made up for that. The forward thinking wineries which had bought Turbo's new propduct were owned by the Bashir family.......

 

 

[onetrack]

....who were well known in Western Sydney for their medical prowess, amongst other things. However, as Abdullah Bashir explained, they decided to invest in wine production and retailing in Western Australia to diversify their income, because they were becoming too reliant on heart attacks for their income, and alcohol-related injury and disease was a burgeoning field, leading to a win-win situation.

 

However, as Abdullah explained to the assembled media, who were making inquiries over a growing scandal involving wine adulteration with foreign products, there had been some problems with a particularly dodgy Eastern States sub-contractor who had been supplying a substandard wine preservative.

 

"Can you please advise as to what that dodgy sub-contractor had been supplying?," asked one media reptile. "We've been led to believe it's cats piss that's been added to the wine".

 

"Oh, no", definitely not, said Abdullah, shifting nervously from one foot to the other foot, whilst his eyes darted around the area. "Our tests have not been finalised yet, but it's believed the cat piss was only supplied to Hunter Valley winemakers by this dodgy sub-contractor, and our wines have been unaffected.

 

There have been some reported flavour problems associated with the sub-standard preservative, but nothing major. I believe the problem has been blown out of proportion. We are making sure this dodgy sub-contractor is apprehended, it's believed he resides in Moorabbistan, and hangs around the Moorabbistan airport wearing a hoodie, so the Victorian Police should be onto it, once they sort out their own internal discipline, corruption and behavioural problems."

 

"But, hang on!" interjected the Captain, who had been leaning on a chair to support himself, whilst watching the interview play out. "I'm firmly one of the......

 

 

[Captain]

….. better undercover operative and had, in addition to identifying the native Australian sourdough creator, had deduced that ABB was not the leader of FIFO, in fact.

 

The shocking news, which had the seals mobilizing again and putting savlon on their flippers, was that Arse-armour Bedlinnen had survived the hit in Pakistan (just 14 hours flying (avref) in a Herc (avref) to the north of Moorakistan (shitholeref)). They thought that they had shot him in the face, but he was actually facing the other way and they just tore him a 2nd one (hence the need for arse-armour), so after learning how to use them both, he was hidden as a sales rep in the Kwinana Hardley Normal where he was paying off a franchise to Gerry on very favourable terms.

 

Whoever is the Neville that is the Premier of WA-nkerville gave a speech which was obviously important because there was a signing person there who constantly gave that sign that is synonymous with WA-nking and the Prem. lambasted FIFO as a curse on the local economy.

 

"Why would he be cooking & basting a lamb, instead of following the Weber (carbyref) instructions?" asked Tink (who was about 3 posts behind) and why …………..

 

Seal Team 245

 

 

Seal Team 2

 

 

Seal Team 4

 

 

 

[onetrack]

....is that Captain ranting on in his drunken stupor about a bloke named Neville running the Govt in the West, when his name is actually Mark?"

 

"Just goes to show you, that that Hunter Valley poison he's been drinking, is potent enough to warp your perceptions of reality!".

 

"Never mind the Captain and his dribbling and ranting on", said Onetrack - "We've had some interesting local developments. You probably noticed the news item about local Indigenes rorting the Tax system, and getting huge payouts for nothing, without the ATO even noticing. Well, the ATO has finally discovered that Abo Baker Bashir has been running under a fake name! He's not a baker at all, and his name isn't Baker - it's Faker! - Abo Faker Bashir!"

 

"The ATO found out about his fraudulent ways, as soon as he submitted his fake tax return, asking for his $50,000 refund on his reputed withheld earnings, and he had to put his real name on it!"

 

"That's just mind-blowing!," said the Turboid, "I'm amazed that the Captain isn't involved somewhere as well, though!"

 

"Oh, he is", said Onetrack, "There's a parallel ATO inquiry going on, investigating fake invoices submitted to a NSW Govt Dept from a region known as Kapookistan. There's some of the worst offenders for fraud and scams in Australia in the Kapookistan region, its actually taking over from Western Sydney as Crime Central in NSW!"

 

"That can't be right," said Turboboy, "We hold the record for frauds and scams in Moorabbistan, and we'd hate to lose it to some XXXXhole in NSW!!....."

 

 

[turboplanner]

........who in realty needs Turbo to tie his shoelaces each morning.

 

However, the Captain is a good man at heart, and certainly not born with that dog in the manger streak you see in WA people.

 

Turbo had bought a Carbon Cub (possible avref) and spent yesterday doing low passes over a nearby airfield scraping each wingtip in turn on the ground as they do at Oskosh (avref?). He was irritated at how boring it was, and decided to sell it and buy something you could fly straight and at altitude, and would normally have let this slip by, but now must point out that in trying to correct the Captain, OneSack has made a mistake of his own; the name of the villain was actually Abo Fakir Bashir.

 

fakir is defined as a Muslim (or loosely Hindu) religious ascetic who lives soley on alms. In other words he works with his hands, so could be a tradie.

 

Fakirs are prevalent in the Middle East and South Asia (Western Australia)

 

AFB had a large family; there was his wife Mother Fakir, and six little Fakirs all attending the Fremantle Primary School. 

 

Unfortunately AFB had picked up a lot of WA habits and it was him who had put out the rumour about false invoices at Kapooka which Onetack might not know is a RAAF Base. That in turn triggered an investigation by Defence Minister Marie Celeste, a friend of Captains. The Minister decided on a fact finding mission to WA, and booked in to the Parmelia Hilton.......

 

 

[Captain]

........That in turn triggered an investigation by Defence Minister Marie Celeste, a friend of Captains. The Minister decided on a fact finding mission to WA, and booked in to the Parmelia Hilton.......

 

……… which was heavily fortified (there were seals crapping everywhere around the battlements) because WA Intelligence (how's that for an oxymoron) had picked up radio chatter about an imminent FIFO attack.

 

The seals were confident because one of the disadvantages for FIFO in their attacks is that they all wear Hiviz gear and full PPT, so they are a cynch to pick off at over 500 m range ………… although one of the disadvantages for the WA-nker seals is that they have to travel up from Cape Llewyn each morning and they have trouble holding their Steyers in their flippers.

 

This was all further complicated because Onesie thought that Marie Celeste is a hottie (Onseie just can't get enough of overweight redheads [that is why he gets on so well with Turdy]) and he had intentions of ………... 

 

 

[onetrack]

.....explaining to the visiting Easterners (who only come to the West on junkets), taking in the stunning view from the Parmelia Hilton, that that sort of lovely view was common in W.A.

 

"But this place is a hole!", exclaimed Marie Celeste.

 

"Of course W.A. is one big hole," said Onetrack, "It's been that way since 1966, when we started digging up every mineral we could find in the State, and sending it offshore. If you really want to see the biggest hole in W.A., you need to visit Kalgoorlie".

 

"And our dogs don't have mange, either", Onetrack added. "Our dogs are all nice, clean, friendly pattable dogs, without a trace of mange. Only those feral foxes, which are an Eastern States imported curse, carry mange".

 

"In fact, now I think about it, there's a lot of imported Eastern States problems here in the West. Things such as Federal politicians, Govt Agencies, skeleton weed, rabbits, and a vast range of other undesirable weeds and characters have bypassed our normally strict quarantine, and entered our pristine State and left their undesirable imprint here. We really should've gone ahead with Secession in 1933, it was only lost due to that sleazy Victorian influence on the referendum. They made Trumps interference in election results look honest."

 

Meantimes, the Captain had sloshed down several more gins, was slurring more and more, and was really getting going on his flight of fantasy, about "seals" and "FIFO's" and "Hi-Viz".

 

Onetrack remarked, "The man has obviously been pulled up sometime, by someone in authority, wearing Hi-Viz (possibly a CASA operative), and it has left him with with a nasty, warped attitude towards Hi-Viz.

 

It's Hi-Viz that keeps Australia running smoothly, doesn't he know that?? The manufacturing industries are running flat-chat producing Hi-Viz, and the people wearing it, are the only ones keeping Australia Inc running!!

 

The man is obviously deficient in economic knowledge, as well as being on a drunken binge, flight of fantasy!"

 

"Yes, we know that", said Turboid, "But we need to humour him, or he becomes....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......very touch, and that’s when he gets into trouble.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

*y

 

 

[onetrack]

.....spelt with a Capital T. Because the Captain is deep in it, because he's been watching too many American TV shows, and with his addled brain, thinks Australia is the 51st State, and we have Seals for carrying out Commando-type stuff.

 

But what we have is better than any Seals, and it's the SAS - and W.A. is, and always has been, the home of the SAS. And they make Seals look like pussies. And it's spelt Cape Leeuwin, too.

 

But, meantimes, the FIFO's have been examining the Captain's information sources to try and find out how he knew about Abo Fakir Bashir. Because, if one gets a lot of really good "source" information, we know the person is close to the nasty people being tracked down.

 

As such, the Captain is now under suspicion from ASIO, ASD, the FBI, the CIA, and numerous other spy agencies you've never heard of, as being too close to the Muzzie Terrorists - so much so, he is now being bugged and tracked as we speak. Of course, in his befuddled mind state, this will only lead to more paranoia on his part, and .....

 

 

[Captain]

As such, the Captain is now under suspicion from ASIO, ASD, the FBI, the CIA, and numerous other spy agencies you've never heard of, as being too close to the Muzzie Terrorists - so much so, he is now being bugged and tracked as we speak. Of course, in his befuddled mind state, this will only lead to more paranoia on his part, and .....

 

... it soon became clear, when the ASIO, ASD, FBI, CIA, PLO, CWA, LIONS, ROTARY and other XXXXs headed east quick-stix after your beloved Skipper flashed his Mosad credentials (for Mosad and your kindly Skipper are bad bastards {we cant tell you where he has his id numbers tattooed, but it would have hurt to do it there and right over the top where that 0 is located} [so who knows why Onsie would take the risk of ripping into him]), and this impressed everyone even more than his multiple AOs. Even the Seals headed back to Lleeuwaannup, but Arse-armour bit the bullet, wiped them both, and .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

........charged..........

 

 

[Captain]

..... using his AFGANEX card for ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

........firing some virtual reality 50 calibre sniper shots at Onetick..tick..tick......................................................

 

 

[Captain]

........firing some virtual reality 50 calibre sniper shots at Onetick..tick..tick......................................................

 

..... which is dangerous when those ticks are attached around your sack.

 

However, through the pain of his tick extractions, Onsie asked "Fifty shots is a lot, even in the virtual world, so what calibre were they Tink?"

 

Turdburger thought long and hard, drew a breath and said "......

 

 

[onetrack]

....."it's not the calibre you have to worry about, it's the number still to come!" "Did I hear you say fifty shots?", said the Captain. "Even I'm on the floor after several shots! - so how can you still be standing??"

 

"Easy", said Onetrack, "It's because I come from the West; where we wear neither singlet nor vest; because they can't find a size for our chests...."

 

"But what are these AO's you speak of? I know of Areas of Operation, Adults Only, Athletics Ontario, Aviation Ordnanceman, and American Optical. As Pauline is wont to say, "please explain?"

 

Just then, Turboy interrupted, "Ahh, it's all in his fantasy dreams, he buys these medals off eBay, and makes up a story to go with them....."

 

And here I reckon I've found a story about the Cappy getting into trouble for his fake decorations, along with his twin brother.

 

That must be Cappy, looking like an African Major General in his full regalia, on the left - I'm surprised he hasn't included a swag of Masonic regalia to go with all his other decorations and awards.....

 

https://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/national/queensland/charged-false-servicemen-claim-secretive-past-20120927-26nsc.html