The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

......none of which were earned in real battles or even surveillance of a Prime Minister, although if they gave out medals for surveillance of the Gumly Gumly CWA rooms, he could certainly be authenticated.

 

There were other instances of him faking it, but the records had to be sealed due to the gruesome evidence.

 

Turbo would like to digress for a moment to pint out the relentless nit-picking he goes to. In  #10924 there is a very subtle dig at Turbo, inferring that Turbo doesn't know what a calibre is. For those not familiar with rifles, the calibre is the diameter of the bullet in inches or mm, so a half inch bullet would be a .50 calibre, and the preferred Sniper round.

 

Not many people know that Turbo is a Designated Marksman (Sniper) and is called on by the ADF to solve problems; he was given special permission to use his own Winchester shotgun with its barrel filled and rebored to .50" Trigger creep has been reduced, overtravel tuned up. He spurns telescopic sights and even takes into account the Coriolis effect (Coriolis was Bernouli's neighbour) where a bullet in flight flys arrow straight, but the earth continues to spin, so if he is facing north he aims one finger to the left and vice versa.  He loads hollow tails and the advantage of the old Winchester is that the cartridge is much bigger than normal, for greater velocity. We don't want to scare anyone, but at 2 kilometres a wild pig becomes two wild pigs so to speak. Various Defence forces have said his hand made Ghillie Suits are the best they've ever seen. On one British Range a doubting Colonel screamed when Turbo had crawled up so close that he just reached up and grabbed him by the balls. His drag bag, which he tows by a rope around his leg is usually one of the scrubbers from the local Mess.

 

We've gone into this detail (which is Classified, so please don't tell anyone) to point out that DMs (Designated Marksmen), don't refer to their firearms as "decimal 50 cailber", they just say 50 calbre, and this is positive proof that the Captain is indeed a miltary fake, and wouldn't know if a tram was up him unless the conductor range the bell..........

 

 

[Captain]

...... ding ding went the bell and the brave (& honourable) Skipper came out swinging.

 

"I've never been so XXXXed of by this bunch of XXXXs doubting my heritage (who my grandmas chose to lay with is irrelevant and irreverent) and for Onesie and The Burglar to question this is a crock of XXXX. Onesie and Tink are XXXXs, XXXXXs, XXXXs and XXXXing XXXXXXXXs.

 

With that, Cappy called Arse-Armour and Abo-Baker on a BlackBerry based (so ASIO were XXXXed) encrypted conference call and said the words that they longed to hear "I'm in", then he put on his best hiviz & safety boots (because you can never be too careful in a WA-rzone) and took membership of FIFO. (Cappy being a member meant that fundraising would go thru the roof).

 

The Skipper found that FIFO was a very sensitive & progressive organisation with enforceable quotas (but as yet no quokas) for 50% female, 50% Jews, 50% Palestinians, 50% Native Australians, 50% gays, 50% transgender (but only those that had actually had the snip) 0% WA-nkers, and ......

 

 

[onetrack]

..... 0% Noo Zullanders and 0% Saffies, because these two groups were more likely to argue against enforceable quotas, and cause fights within the group.

 

However, after a week, Cappy was appalled to find he'd been given a woman for a controller, and that was something that he couldn't handle - particularly when he found out the woman wore a hijab, and he wasn't exactly sure if it was a woman, anyway.

 

Then, while he was trying to figure out if she actually was wearing her compulsory Hi-Viz and Safety Boots under her hijab, a call came through from Abo Fakir Bashir.

 

"Cappy, we need you in Oodnadatta - right now! We've got advance notice there's going to be a big rumble in the Oodnadatta Mess, thanks to some rock-hard buns, that have caused the mine workers to start revolting. They're pretty revolting at the best of times, but now they're really revolting!"

 

"Leave it to me!", said Cappy, "I was born to handle this kind of stuff, and with my ancestry and training, I'll have those mine workers eating out of my hand, within minutes of my arrival!!"

 

At that, Cappy ran outside to his trusty......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....HQ and headed for the Big O as the three locals liked to call it. Two water pumps and a coil later he pulled in to the Run Down Motel where the receptionist Charlene had moonlight in her eyes, but "better bring a paper bag" on her face. (She'd read Bill Bryson's book).

 

Later, as he approached the OO pub and heard the language of the miners he did what he always does and started whimpering. He picked up his B;ackberry and dialed "Is that you Fakir?" he asked meekly. Unfortunately the line wasn't good  and Bashir mistook what he said and let out a string of oaths, but Captain was desperate and said "I want to come home!"   

 

"Ok" said Bashir, "we cut your head off tomorrow".  This gave Captain some food for thought..........

 

 

[Captain]

..... so he went back inside to Charlene and asked "Have you had the snip or can I borrow it for a little while?" For Cappy, unlike Turdy, liked ladies of the fair dinkum kind.

 

"Are you the legendary Cappy who FIFO have renamed Cappy bin Skipper, Their new worldwide leader?"

 

"None other, love" he responded, "Show us ya  ....

 

 

[Captain]

CAPPY CHECKED WITH MRS GOOGLE AND HAS PROVEN THAT TINK'S DM MONIKA IS "DESIGNATED MARXIST" AND HIS ONLY MARKS ARE THE RESULT OF THAT INCURABLE RASH BACK IN 1934.

 

 

[onetrack]

and .... at that, his phone rang. It was Abo Fakir Bashir. "I just heard you've joined an organisation opposed to us! What's going on??".

 

"Oh, no! Nothing of the kind!", said Cappy. "I just joined the FIFO organisation, that's all - they're a sensitive and progressive organisation, an all-encompassing and inclusive group - I'm sure they will accept you, once you lay down your arms".

 

"Lay down our arms??", exclaimed Abo Fakir Bashir. "Not bloody likely mate, we just live to fight and die! - Kaffirs, Jews, White men, Trump supporters, we're against them all! We don't lay down arms for anyone, no matter how inclusive that group is!!"

 

But the phone service around Oodnadatta being what it is, Cappy misheard half of what Abo Fakir Bashir had said, and got very confused.

 

He thought AFB had said, "We just live to frighten flies! Kappa's, Chu's, Wittman's, Blimp transporters, we've wrenched them all!"

 

At that, Cappy put his phone down, totally perplexed, and unable to grasp the context of what Abo had been talking about.

 

"The bXXXXXd's hung up on me!!", screamed Abo - "Issue a Fatwa on this turncoat, I want him taken out!!...."

 

 

[Captain]

.... but there was an issue, as Onesie had become confused, as he seems to have buggered up whom is up whom, and who leads FIFO, for .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.............numbered among the keen readers of the NES were the people of the Republic of South Africa, and they had short fuses. Even now, the warriors of the Khosa, Kikuyu, Matabele, and Zulu. They were banging their Assegais on the ground, and oiling up their AK47s.

 

"WHAT did he say?" roared Umbuku, the Zulu Chieftain who  had killed his first Lion at the age of 7..................

 

 

[Captain]

..... "I knew Nelson" he said.

 

"Was that before he was shot on the poopdeck?" Asked Onsie who wasn't keeping up.

 

But the RSA branch of FIFO was ......

 

 

[onetrack]

.....actually a front for a U.S. Seals team, who had started a branch of FIFO in Australia, alluding to hardline Muzzie beliefs, when in fact they were simply an offshoot of the CIA, and they had tricked Abo Fakir Bashir into leading them - with him thinking he was starting Jihad afresh in Albany, W.A. (and that's Al-bany, too, not this Awl-bany stuff).

 

But the Captain was having trouble keeping up with the false organisations that were double-crossing and quadruple-crossing each other, as well as trying to figure out what organisation he was in, and what he was supposed to be doing in it.

 

"Ring! - Ring!", went the Cappys phone. A deep Seth Effrican voice said, "Keppy, we need you to kerry out a vitally important mession for us. As a trusted member of the Eckstreme Right in Orzstrullia, and a true patriot who knows the difference between good Jerky and saddlebug leather, we know you are our man....."

 

 

[Captain]

"I am you man, mate, as I have surfed J Bay, I have dodged hyenas in a game park and I earnt a VD & scar in the 1st Zulu wars, plus I played bongo on Paul Simon's Graceland album & the drums on Rodriquez's Sugerland CD. Few people know that I was also responsible for Nelson M's release and the fall of the apartheid regime. But I'm sick & tired of that faquir Onesie and his WA-nker chip on his shoulder. " 

 

Tinky agreed and stuck it up Onesie by saying .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

........"this is just a friendly warning. I really am a CIA Operative, and have just received a flash to take care of OneTack. There is a hit man due in from Cuba at 0200 Eastern Time, which thrills me no end, because they're all the same, they never make contact, the double tap is all they know. There is a six man cleanup team arriving at 0700, which really p!sses me off, so if he wrecks a hotel room or you crap on the carpet, there's be no forensic evidence. Even if he catches you at the Burswood, the cameras will be wiped, so I'd suggest the Pilbara would be good for a holiday right now, even though it's full of red dogs these days, and   "

 

 

[onetrack]

.....having said that, red dogs of the Pilbara are quite friendly and very heroic." "Yes", said OT, "No problem - I'm very familiar with large dogs, having trained up many military dogs to take down bad guys".

 

"But once any Pilbara red dog spotted an assassin, well out of his home territory, he'd be history, there wouldn't be enough left of him for the Pilbara crows or Wedgies to feed on".

 

"Now, about these amazing claims by the Captain. He really is in need of help, isn't he? That potent stuff he's been knocking back for years, must have finally destroyed his remaining working brain cells, and he's having trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy, isn't he?"

 

"Yes, it's pretty sad", said Tinky-winky. "When I first knew him, he was an upstanding, sharp young pilot, and we've watched him gradually deteriorate over the years, to become the dribbling, mumbling mess he is today, fantasising about being involved in world events, when he's just a legend in his own bathtime!".

 

"I think we'll have him put down, you know", said OT. "You put down animals when they're past saving, I think he's lower than any sick animal, right at present".

 

"You're probably right," said Tinky-wink. "Maybe we could arrange to have the assassin misdirected to Cappys place, and he could do the job for us! - no evidence, no need for a cleanup, nothing!"

 

"What a brilliant idea! - as my old Sgt would say", said OT, "Now, all we need to do, is ....."

 

 

[Captain]

.... Cappy chipped in to observe that most Cubans dont worry about double taps, as most are just pleased to have running water, and let's hope that the cleanup squad isn't Cuban as the joint is a filthy XXXXhole, similar to Moorvana.

 

 

[Captain]

"You're probably right," said Tinky-wink. "Maybe we could arrange to have the assassin misdirected to Cappys place, and he could do the job for us! - no evidence, no need for a cleanup, nothing!"

 

"What a brilliant idea! - as my old Sgt would say", said OT, "Now, all we need to do, is ....."

 

..... show the assassin a few of Cappy's posts and he'll do him for nix as a freeby after topping The Onetrick.

 

The assassin had, however, spotted Tink's unhealthy fixation with red dogs.

 

"Can somebody be a dog paedo?" Asked the assassin, "As I might just clean up the whole joint while I'm down here, so Eeen?" He yelled "Are there any other XXXXheads on WF that you need taken to live forever-after on a farm?".

 

Een thought & responded ......

 

 

[Captain]

...... "No amigo, todo es genial aquí en Wrecko Flyingo".

 

So, dear reader, we have 2 of the world's top terrorists leading FIFO and thousands of WA-nker mine workers on an insurrection to destroy the Bell Tower in Perth ("If only there were 2 of zem" said Arse-Armour) on the 3rd biggest terrorist posing questions about SA law & broken fan belts.

 

FIFO in the meantime went back to their roots and cut .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........the throats of 247 members of Labor's extreme left who had been posing as posters.

 

"That cost me" thought the assassin who had been on a commission of $50,000 per leftie and moved ever closer to the Captain. once you got reasonably close your could smell him.  An hour later he sent a burst to Turbo: "Got Him,and was he whimpering as he went down"

 

in some ways Turbo regretted the hit, but orders were orders, and he was feeling quite sad when the phone rang and that raspy voice was on the line. A shiver ran through him and he crossed himself, and then quickly uncrossed himself because he wasn't a Catholic. "Care for a cup of coffee?" asked the Captain. On the way he sent a burst to the assassin. "He's alive, who did you kill?" a,d the amswer came back "The Captainj, couldn't miss him, he had a baggy green cap on"...................

 

 

[Captain]

.........the throats of 247 members of Labor's extreme left who had been posing as posters.

 

"That cost me" thought the assassin who had been on a commission of $50,000 per leftie and moved ever closer to the Captain. once you got reasonably close your could smell him.  An hour later he sent a burst to Turbo: "Got Him,and was he whimpering as he went down"

 

in some ways Turbo regretted the hit, but orders were orders, and he was feeling quite sad when the phone rang and that raspy voice was on the line. A shiver ran through him and he crossed himself, and then quickly uncrossed himself because he wasn't a Catholic. "Care for a cup of coffee?" asked the Captain. On the way he sent a burst to the assassin. "He's alive, who did you kill?" a,d the amswer came back "The Captainj, couldn't miss him, he had a baggy green cap on"...................

 

.... The above just goes to demonstrate the real Skipper's powers to elude hit squads and miscellaneous other NES constructs, which boosted his standing within FIFO to the point where he was looking at a waterfront house in Peppermint Grove (a similar joint to Moorabistan), he was made Grand Poobah at the Lodge, he was put back on Mosad's active list and FIFO contributed to his self managed super fund.

 

In the shadowy world of world terrorism and Israeli security, your beloved Captain had made it to the top, yet he somehow remained unfulfilled, and that is the reason he called Tinky-Wanky for a coffee. "I just wanted to experience the crappier side of life so as to keep my feet on the ground, and that led to an inevitable.....

 

 

[Captain]

……….. call from Marie Celeste (and also one from bill too, but that will never be kept confidential) with her pathetic attempt to bed the Captain …………...… again.

 

"After Onesie, I just want a thrill again" she implored, but ever the great mate, Turbo called her back and  ……...

 

 

[onetrack]

.....said, "We've become too enamoured with that XXXXhole called The West, we need to cast it adrift, and forget about it. It's always been ignored by us Easterners and Canberra fatcats anyway (apart from when they supply us with an endless amount of gold and iron ore money that keeps OzStraylia and the Morrison Govt afloat), so we don't need to visit it or talk about it any more - the place is irrelevant. It needs to be relegated to its normal position, of a place for Eastern States hoods to lie low, when the heat is on in the East."

 

"No", said Marie, "We can't ignore them anymore, they've got a sub base now, and they're even looking to build our new Froggy subs. But we're not sure they can understand French, so their bid is on the back-burner for the present. Besides, we need to do a heap of pork-barrelling in S.A., just in case that Indian upstart who bought up the Whyalla steel biz is elected as S.A. Premier. They worship the ground he walks on there, we have to figure out how the Morrison Govt can get that kind of adulation!"

 

"Well, you could try to produce some half-decent energy polices, water-security policies, fire-fighting policies, for a start", said Turboid.

 

"Hold on", interjected the Captain, taking some time out from billy-goat riding. "I've got some friends in high places, who....."

 

 

[Captain]

So Onesie went all political in the above post, which confirms what Tubb & Skippy had always suspected, that Onsie was actually Bronny Bishop (sans chopper (avref)), who has been involved in a lengthy affair with Arse-armour, so Skipper welcomed Onsie/Bronny to FIFO and .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....Turbo asked her if she'd like to go up for a flight.  She gulped down the Champagne and said "Where's your kite?"  Bron used to be the squeeze of Biggles and Foxhunter in the days when pilots wore jodhpurs and leather gloves, and.....

 

 

[Captain]

.... condoms, most times doubled or tripled up, just to be sure.

 

"We dont want any more like her" Foxy said callously "And I suggest you do the same with Onsie if he is actually Bronny in disguise, before or after a snip, & certainly I'd also advise against going bareback with Marie Celeste, where .....

 

 

[onetrack]

......you stand a big risk of catching some common political disease, such as "Foot-In-Mouth. The shame of everyone knowing you've got F-I-M, is worse than the symptoms."

 

"Well, I reckon I could give Bronny a good ride!", said the Cappy. "How can you do that?", said Turboy, "You know you've already gone intergender, because you didn't want your enemies identifying you!"

 

"No, no, I meant give her a ride in my Chopper!", said the Captain. "You haven't got a Chopper!", exclaimed Turboid, "So how could you give her a ride in one?"

 

"Yes I have!", said Cappy, "I just bought one this week! Come and have a look at it!".

 

And with that, they all traipsed off, with a degree of puzzlement, to see Cappys Chopper. Cappy walked into his garage, and threw back the covers on a brand new Harley Davidson Chopper!

 

"Awwww!" said everyone in unison, "We thought you were talking about a Helicopter!" (avref)

 

"You all know how much I hate heights," said Cappy, "I couldn't go up in a chopper! I'd crap myself! You know what's it's like being in a chopper, they've got no wings! - and you feel like you're just hanging in the sky on a string, waiting for the string to break!!"

 

"Listen", said Turbo, "enough of this devious talk, we have a Minister of the Crown here, and we......"