The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

......the only difference is, they worship a false God, so we'll have to kill them all". With that, Arse-Amah issued a Fatwa for all wild pigs, as Cappy can't spell, and Arse-Amah thought he was talking about wild boars.

 

"Hang on", said Cappy, "What are you doing, killing all the W.A. wild pigs? The local piggers will be right out of employment and entertainment, let alone all their pigdogs as well!"

 

"PIG-DOGS! - did you say PIG-DOGS?, said Arse-Amah. "A thousand curses of Allah upon all their kind, and their offspring! We'll kill all of them, too!"

 

Right about then, Turbo beat a hasty retreat back to Moorabbistan, quickly realising he was right out of his depth by crossing the Nullarbor, and trying to deal with tough-dealing West Ozzies.

 

After all, West Ozzies had been dealing with (and producing), sharp mining and business shysters since before the Napoleonic Wars, so Turbo didn't stand a chance in negotiations, particularly when it came to carving up all the good mining areas in the North of W.A.

 

While Turbo was away, Cappy had been taking full advantage of his wine cellar and spirits sideboard, so he was in an exceptionally jolly mood when Turbo walked in.

 

"Hey, guess what, Turbo?, said Cappy, "Your last 2 bottles of '69 Penfold Grange Hermitage looked like they were going off, so I had to drink them!"

 

"YOU WHAT?", roared Turbo, "Those 2 bottles were worth $3000 each!! It doesn't matter if the contents were off, it's the unopened bottles that can be sold over and over again! No-one ever drinks the contents, that's stupid, you just keep on selling and reselling the unopened bottles at ever-higher prices!! What kind of mate are you, knocking off my Penfold Grange Hermitage??"

 

"But, but, but," stuttered Cappy, "I thought I was....."

 

 

[Captain]

....... "A thousand curses of Allah upon all their kind, and their offspring! We'll kill all of them, too!"

 

["OH CRAP" SAID THE MOD AS HE HASTILY POSTED ….. THE PHYSICAL WRECKS WHO ADMINISTER WRECK FLYING ARE MOSTLY AGNOSTICS (OR WOULD BE IF THEY COULD SPELL IT), WE ARE NOT THAT CHARLEY HEBDO,, SO PLEASE DON'T BLOW US UP] - ANONYMOUS MOD

 

 

[Captain]

......the only difference is, they worship a false God, so we'll have to kill them all". With that, Arse-Amah issued a Fatwa for all wild pigs, as Cappy can't spell, and Arse-Amah thought he was talking about wild boars.

 

"Hang on", said Cappy, "What are you doing, killing all the W.A. wild pigs? The local piggers will be right out of employment and entertainment, let alone all their pigdogs as well!"

 

"PIG-DOGS! - did you say PIG-DOGS?, said Arse-Amah. "A thousand curses of Allah upon all their kind, and their offspring! We'll kill all of them, too!"

 

Right about then, Turbo beat a hasty retreat back to Moorabbistan, quickly realising he was right out of his depth by crossing the Nullarbor, and trying to deal with tough-dealing West Ozzies.

 

After all, West Ozzies had been dealing with (and producing), sharp mining and business shysters since before the Napoleonic Wars, so Turbo didn't stand a chance in negotiations, particularly when it came to carving up all the good mining areas in the North of W.A.

 

While Turbo was away, Cappy had been taking full advantage of his wine cellar and spirits sideboard, so he was in an exceptionally jolly mood when Turbo walked in.

 

"Hey, guess what, Turbo?, said Cappy, "Your last 2 bottles of '69 Penfold Grange Hermitage looked like they were going off, so I had to drink them!"

 

"YOU WHAT?", roared Turbo, "Those 2 bottles were worth $3000 each!! It doesn't matter if the contents were off, it's the unopened bottles that can be sold over and over again! No-one ever drinks the contents, that's stupid, you just keep on selling and reselling the unopened bottles at ever-higher prices!! What kind of mate are you, knocking off my Penfold Grange Hermitage??"

 

"But, but, but," stuttered Cappy, "I thought I was....."

 

………. part of an NES which did not permit blatant promotion of alcohol (FIFO is an avowed alcohol free zone)" [Your investigative slewth and Captain has determined that Onesie is on commission with Penfolds and his above post should be ignored {just like all his others}].

 

Turbo was similarly disappointed, yet also as an avowed pisspot he ………...

 

Onesie in his Penfolds onesie.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

....was still deep in sorrow over losing his last 2 bottles of Penfold Grange Hermitage to another old pisspot. "Who said FIFO is an alcohol-free zone?", said Onetrack. "What a complete furphy! It's only alcohol-free when you're on the job, and wearing Hi-Viz, steel-toe boots, safety glasses and hard-hat - and killing Kaffirs and Pig-Dogs! You can slosh down as much as you like when you're off-duty, just like when you've finished flying (avref)".

 

Suddenly, a group of West Aussie piggers drove up in a battered HQ Holden ute, fitted with dog crates and with 7 pigdogs on the back. They were bristling with armaments like a bunch of American backwoods hillbillies - including big knives, as well as high-powered centre-fire rifles and shotguns.

 

Cappy started getting fearful, these blokes looked particularly dangerous - and they were angry, too, after hearing about the fatwa Arse-Amah had issued on West Aussie pigs and pigdogs.

 

"Where's this Arse-Amah bloke!", one of the piggers yelled, we want to talk to him!! FXXXXXX MXXXXX CXXX, he is!!! We'll give him fatwa, alright!!!"

 

"I don't know who you're talking about!", stammered Cappy, "I've never heard of anyone by that name, and I've never even been anywhere near a Mosque!!"

 

"Well, we'll soon see about that!, yelled the wildest-looking pigger, as he cranked up the HQ ute with a can of Aerostart, "You'd better be......."

 

 

[Captain]

….. changed into that orange jump suit and tie your own hands behind your back, quick stix."

 

but bull had other ideas as he came (erectiledysfunctionref) over the hill (avref) in his home made gyro (avref) playing the music and looking like that General bloke from Apocalypse Now.

 

bill banked the gyro to no effect (as all the banks had closed in country WA-nkerville) and flew (avref) low (avref) down (avref) the strip (avref) until he …...

 

 

[onetrack]

.....finally crashed into the stand of trees at the far end. "FXXXXXX PXXX Gyros!", exclaimed Bull as he climbed from the wreckage. "They told me they were dangerous, and they were right! It's only by the Grace of Allah that I've survived!" With that, he fell to his knees and started to kiss the end of the runway.

 

Just then, Abo Faker and Arse-Amah rolled up in a ex-U.S. Military Humvee that they'd resurrected from a pile of abandoned and partly-destroyed U.S. equipment in Iraq, when IS had overrun an American/Iraqi position.

 

The Iraqis had been put on Base perimeter security, and had failed to notice the IS guerillas sneaking up, because they were late turning up, and too busy sitting around in groups, sucking on hookahs, once they did turn up.

 

Immediately Abo and Arse saw Bull kneeling with this forehead touching the tarmac, they knew they were in the right place.

 

"LOOK!, said Arse-Amah, "A true believer has got here before us!! Let's go and pick up our brother!

 

So they gunned the Humvee to the end of the runway, jumped out and kneeled down in a praying position, alongside Bull - who was greatly surprised.

 

"Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!!", went Abo and Arse. "Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah!!"

 

"WTF!!!", yelled out Bull, as he jumped to his feet. "Where did this bunch of Mad MXXXXXX's come from??"

 

However, Cappy and Turbo had rocked up in Landrover by now, and not wanting to offend the heavily-armed Abo and Arse, they both got out, and assumed a head-down, kneeling position.

 

"Psst, Bull!," whispered Cappy, "You'd better......."

 

 

[Captain]

..... stop sucking on YOUR hooker before Turdbro ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

“......get your head down here fast!”

 

”What for?” Asked Bull who was from Central North Queensland.

 

” Pray!” yelled the Captain and Bull dropped and loudly started to say “Deat God, we beseech thee to  send down a pestilence of fleas to these....”, and a combination of rumblings combined with laughter broke out among the other worshippers which Turbo can only describe as similar to the night he took a possum in a bag in to the evening service at the Kamba All Saints Church and let it out midway through the sermon......

 

 

[onetrack]

.....whereupon, it promptly scrambled up towards the pulpit, preparing to make a jump for the ceiling, the favourite haunt of all possums.

 

But Father O'Reilly was made of stern stuff and grabbed the screeching, biting, clawing possum by the back of the neck, and promptly threw it outside.

 

"Alright, who is going to confess to this transgression of sanctity in the House of the Lord?", he thundered, eyeballing Turbo, who was trying to kick the bag under the pew, out of sight.

 

"Turbo! Is that a bag I can see under your pew?", inquired O'Reilly. "What is it doing there?", he said. The entire congregation swivelled around and looked right at Turbo, who was trying his best to shrink himself into half his size.

 

"I have no idea," said Turbo, "I'm sure it must have been there before I arrived".

 

"Do you know the penance for lying? - particularly to your pastor?" thundered Father O'Reilly. "Surely God will strike you down, if you lie to me!"

 

"O.K.," said Turbo meekly, "It was me, I just wanted to liven this place up. I don't like sitting through 45 minutes of being lectured on how I'm going to Hell, unless I repent."

 

"For this transgression, you will put $5 in the poor box and say 6 Hail Marys!" roared Father O'Reilly. "And don't try to tell me my sermons are boring, you blatant sinner!"

 

"Yes, Father", said Turbo, as he started on planning his next escapade, which would involve.......

 

 

[Captain]

…. a herd of particularly good looking goats (so we all know where Tink will take that storyline to), Messrs Bedlinnen & Basher dropping their kaftans, the Hookers & hookahs looking to be out of a job, Father O'Reilly looking envious & tempted, some choir boys looking relieved and ……..…...

 

Rare footage of the event …..

 

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

......inserting Irish Jokes on slips of paper in the Hymn  books. The embarrassment reminded him of the day the Turbos went to the beach. There was a mass evacuation and Turbo’s wife said “I TOLD you we shouldn’t have called him “Shark!”, but

 

 

[Captain]

Even rarer footage of a FIFO meeting, smuggled out by Chelsea Turbine.

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

......inserting Irish Jokes on slips of paper in the Hymn  books. The embarrassment reminded him of the day the Turbos went to the beach. There was a mass evacuation and Turbo’s wife said “I TOLD you we shouldn’t have called him “Shark!”, but

 

… there was blood in the water when …..

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....when he was a teenager and tried to save Sally Copeland from drowning; Jesus those fingernails hurt! Sally went on the serve as an SAS soldier in Afghanistan. Many a FIFO terrorist had her in his sights but thought she looked like a Virgin (no one in Kaniva would have made that mistake) but when they got up close she squirrel-gripped them into submission then broke their necks with her bare hands. One day....

 

 

[Captain]

.....when he was a teenager and tried to save Sally Copeland from drowning; Jesus those fingernails hurt! Sally went on the serve as an SAS soldier in Afghanistan. Many a FIFO terrorist had her in his sights but thought she looked like a Virgin (no one in Kaniva would have made that mistake) but when they got up close she squirrel-gripped them into submission then broke their necks with her bare hands. One day....

 

… while on the turps with mono-course she reversed that procedure and all hell broke loose.

 

"I didn't mind the squirrel grip around the neck" said Onesie, "In fact I found it a trifle erotic" he said with some excitement "But then she broke it" he added sadly.

 

"What was it she broke?" asked the Planner with interest (who is a bit thick at times).

 

"It" replied Unitrack "XXXX'n IT, mate, and ……..

 

 

[Captain]

BREAKING NEWS … FILM JUST RELEASED OF TURBO PLAYING OSAMA IN A COMEDY SKIT AT THE LAST NATFLY KNEES UP. HE WAS A HIT BUT MANY IN THE AUDIENCE ENDED UP WITH EYE STRAIN AND WERE UNABLE TO FLY HOME FOR A WEEK ……. MOD

 

 

 

 

[onetrack]

.....IT is the bone in her ring finger, and sadly, IT has never worked properly since!". "But I married Sally!", cried the Rat - "and she doesn't miss the SAS one little bit, since I inducted her into horse riding, instead!

 

"Horse riding?", said Onetrack, who was starting to think the Cappy liked his women like his coffee - Hot, Black and Strong. "Yes, she can ride anything!", said the Cappy.

 

"Well, we knew about that, when she was in the Army", said Onetrack - "That's how she got the nickname of......"

 

 

[Captain]

.....IT is the bone in her ring finger, and sadly, IT has never worked properly since!". "But I married Sally!", cried the Rat - "and she doesn't miss the SAS one little bit, since I inducted her into horse riding, instead!

 

"Horse riding?", said Onetrack, who was starting to think the Cappy liked his women like his coffee - Hot, Black and Strong. "Yes, she can ride anything!", said the Cappy.

 

"Well, we knew about that, when she was in the Army", said Onetrack - "That's how she got the nickname of......"

 

……. Turbo…….

 

 

[turboplanner]

......and then she did it again and again like a bacon slicer. “That must have hurt” Turbo sympathized.

 

”Not really” replied Turbo......

 

 

[onetrack]

.......you know the old saying, "No Brain, No Pain". "Yeah, that's her style, said the Craptain, "she never stops doing it, she does it twenty times a day!".

 

"That seems an awful lot for a woman", mused Onetrack, who was wondering what else she did in the SAS. 

 

"Ahh, I can see you're wondering what else she does?", said Crappy. "She's a past mistress at chess, high altitude flight, parachuting into enemy territory, and even doing high-level espionage!"

 

"In fact, there's nothing she can't do, and she can do it all, twenty times a day, and do it better than anyone else!"

 

"Gee, I was wondering why you look so tired and bedraggled", said Onetrack. "It must be absolute murder, trying to keep up?!"

 

"Oh that's nothing, said Crappy, now on his 11th gin for the day, "You should see her when she gets........."

 

 

[turboplanner]

......my bill....

 

 

[Captain]

......my bill....

 

….. between her …..

 

 

[onetrack]

.....teeth, it really grates on your nerves.....

 

 

[Captain]

.....teeth, it really grates on your nerves.....

 

…. just like Turbs being dragged sideways down a blackboard or bill fiddling with polystyrene."

 

"Hang on" said Polly who was a girl originally from the Calico family of far south Esperance before she married into the Styrenes from far west Geraldton. "I like billy-the-stud-bull playing with me and my ………….

 

 

[onetrack]

......dogs, it make for great entertainment, just like watching RL brawls in NSW! But we're just honest farm folk here, we don't have expensive or demanding tastes, like those rich people from around, say, Wagga!"

 

Just then, Turbo interrupted. "Crappy, it's high time we did some more work on this Moth restoration (avref), you can't just sit here all night, knocking back drinks, and cracking smutty jokes with the bar girls!".

 

"Whaddya mean?, whined Crappy, "I swept the hangar floor last week, isn't that enough?"

 

"No," said Turbine, "We need to get our arses into gear if we want to win that next lot of........."