The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

......dogs, it make for great entertainment, just like watching RL brawls in NSW! But we're just honest farm folk here, we don't have expensive or demanding tastes, like those rich people from around, say, Wagga!"

 

Just then, Turbo interrupted. "Crappy, it's high time we did some more work on this Moth restoration (avref), you can't just sit here all night, knocking back drinks, and cracking smutty jokes with the bar girls!".

 

"Whaddya mean?, whined Crappy, "I swept the hangar floor last week, isn't that enough?"

 

"No," said Turbine, "We need to get our arses into gear if we want to win over that next lot of........."

 

…… goats.

 

But now the competition really hotted up, as the FIFO members know a good looking goat when they see it (they are connoisseurs) and this put the Muslim guys into competition with the Catholic chaps for the 1st time since the Templars decided to have a coffee in Jerusalem 1300 years ago.

 

"I remember that" said Onesie, who still has the Ark of the Covenant hidden away in his cellar and calls it the ……. 

 

Onetrack looking all serious in his Templar Onesie about 1275 years ago.

 

You wouldn't recognise him now, as he looks pretty crook ATM.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

"........ best little piece of gilt woodwork I've found in recent decades. However, someone has already knocked off the 2 stone tablets, and I'll wager it was some low-life from NSW, probably a descendant of a bushranger from the Wagga region".

 

"That's pretty bad", said the Turboid, "If you still had the stone tablets, that box would be worth more than my Penfold Grange Hermitage collection!"

 

"It's O.K.", said Onetrack, "I've got the best detectives on the case, they're ex-Italian Policia Di Stato, and they have access to the best recovery techniques, so I expect the tablets will just be dropped off on my doorstep, one evening, soon".

 

"Meantimes, we have to....."

 

 

[Captain]

"........ best little piece of gilt woodwork I've found in recent decades. However, someone has already knocked off the 2 stone tablets, and I'll wager it was some low-life from NSW, probably a descendant of a bushranger from the Wagga region".

 

"That's pretty bad", said the Turboid, "If you still had the stone tablets, that box would be worth more than my Penfold Grange Hermitage collection!"

 

"It's O.K.", said Onetrack, "I've got the best detectives on the case, they're ex-Italian Policia Di Stato, and they have access to the best recovery techniques, so I expect the tablets will just be dropped off on my doorstep, one evening, soon".

 

"Meantimes, we have to....."

 

…… stop the crappy Cappy from using those tablets for parting the waters of the Murray and crossing back and forth as his party trick. That was one of the biggest issues for the Murray Darling Commission as the flow rates were all over the joint"

 

"He also cracks onto Mextorian ladies and flashes his tablets, but leaves out the bits about Thou sh'ant commit ……….. 

 

 

[Captain]

[THE UNIROUTE WAS SUCCESSFUL IN COMPOSING POST #11,000, SO JUST CHOOSE WHATEVER PRODUCT YOU WANT FROM THE WRECK FLYING SHOP UP TO THAT SAME DOLLAR VALUE, DEAR ONESIE] …….. MOD

 

 

[onetrack]

( [Onetrack bows] Thank you, thank you for the prize - no need for that applause [nor the CAPITALS], I'll just take a Paul's Vanilla Icecream in a cone, I'm a man of simple tastes, unlike that latte-sipping, chardonnay-swilling mob from Kapookistan and Moorabbistan)....

 

.....crimes against spelling, punctuation, grammar and Internet Forum etiquette."

 

"Yes, said Onetrack, "We know he's a shocker, he cracks onto more than just Mexitorian ladies, and he flashes more than just tablets." 

 

"He's been known to flash Qantas Gold FF cards, a signet ring with a rams head on it, a Rolex Air-King, and 24K gold cufflinks, with his initials monogrammed on them."

 

Turbo interjected here, "But he had a poor upbringing, give him a break. When other people put their rubbish bins out, his family took them in. You need to cut him some slack".

 

"I think I'd just like to cut him sometimes", Onetrack said, his eyes narrowing. "I mean to say, he'd flash the Queen if he got half a chance!"

 

"No I wouldn't!", interrupted Crappy, "I know better than that! - I've been edumacated in the finest one-room bush school ever built - Grong Grong Public!"

 

"The only problem was, they sold it while I was still attending it, so that's what made my edjewkation a little short on speeling, grammer and punkchewation!!"

 

"Yeah", said Turboid, "But you forgot to mention you were 19, and still in 3rd grade, when that happened!"

 

"No, that's not true!", said Crappy, "The truth is.......

 

 

[Captain]

...... even more sadder, as I was still in the school building, on detention facing into the corner, when they sold it to be whisked away to be reused as the Town Hall in Perth. (Those clowns thought it was Grand). But I must admit that my edumacation did suffer."

 

This caused consternation (and constipation)  within FIFO where they were trying to improve their image and achieve the status of a registered charity just like GetUp.

 

"He'd be ok living in a cave in Afghanistan running ISIS but just doesn't cut the haloumi as a leader here" said that fuckir Bashir "Where we ......

 

 

[Captain]

STOP PRESS - Hebrew has now been adopted as the new base language of Western Australia. This was decided unanimously by the WA Knesset to reflect the fact that persons of the Jewish faith have adopted the joint as their new homeland after Onetrack opened his theme park featuring a 2nd hand waterslide & The Ark of the Covenant. The Palestinian Authority has taken over Rotty & The Abrolhos Islands and have commenced building their tunnels.

 

 

[turboplanner]

STOP PRESS - Hebrew has now been adopted as the new base language of Western Australia. This was decided unanimously by the WA Knesset to reflect the fact that persons of the Jewish faith have adopted the joint as their new homeland after Onetrack opened his theme park featuring a 2nd hand waterslide & The Ark of the Covenant. The Palestinian Authority has taken over Rotty & The Abrolhos Islands and have commenced building their tunnels.

 

The opening of the theme park took place in the 1908s and was a very important event. The Christians had been looking for the Ark for 200 years because they wanted to destroy it to remove a threat to the memory of Jesus (which we will not elaborate on).

 

There was a massive conversion to the Jewish faith, and many of its members became extremely rich, examples bing Gabriel Bond and Yitzak Rinehart.

 

But they were tall poppies and ruthlessly cut down in their prime; the Queen's English was progressively trashed by people on social media and that spread to the children until WA reached an English Doomsday situation, and Scientists believe English will end in WA on December 31 2022.

 

Not many people know this but in the independent country, the Principality of Hutt River, Prince Leonard had noticed very early that people had started mixing up bought and brough, been for being, and dropping an imprtant "n" before a vowell. Since no one knew what a vowell was anymore in WA, there was not point in trying to explain this so Price Leonard called up the Captain to consuly for a fee of $1150/hr

 

He wanted to break clear of the rapidly trashing English.

 

After some thorough research (now proven to be more than the research done to establish global warming), Captain came up with Double Dutch, and the Principality School hire a dutch English Double Dutch teacher. 

 

As so often happens you can't trust applicants to tell the truth, and pretty soon nobody in thye Principality could understand Double Dutch, so tyhey hired a Dutch Language Professor from Holland itself to sort this out......but he couldn't.

 

Despite this, a  group from Paddington announced that speaking Double Dutch would reduce the amount of exhaling when talking and so was a "green" language, and pretty soon Double Dutch was spreading throughout Western Australia.

 

The WA government hired thousands of Afrikaners, but the problem was, they couldn't speak Double Dutch, Dutch or English.

 

Eventually this Batard language became such a problem that the Captain was called in to recommend a new laguage (Governments frequently hire failed consultants).

 

He looked at the successful Jewish migrants, and the hopelessly failing State of WA, and Hebrew was a No Brainer in more.......

 

 

[onetrack]

.....underdeveloped areas of the State, such as the Nullarbor Plain, the Gibson Desert, and the Little Sandy Desert.

 

However, it soon became evident the rest of Australia was being rapidly left behind in economic development, as W.A. progressed rapidly under the Jewish language and the new Monarchy of Hutt River Province, which was given tax-free status and allowed to run the States finances.

 

"We should've done this decades ago", said Premier Me-Gowinn. "It's obvious the financial skills of an innovative farming family from Hutt River greatly exceed our combined State politicians and Public Service heads, who are so dumb, they don't even notice one of their mob knocking off $40M from the State coffers, just to cover his racing bets."

 

"Yes", said Onetrack, "With the Jewish language now the official State language, it means we can deal directly with the Global Money Moguls in their own language, and bypass all those thieving finance world bastards, such as Banks, Mortgage Brokers, Private Lending Consortiums, and even Pawn Shops. It's been known that the State finances got so low at one stage, Me-Gowinn was seen regularly hawking the States assets to Pawn Brokers, who refused to give him anything like they were worth."

 

The burgeoning wealth and increasing status of W.A. under the Hebrew language, led to much deep suspicion amongst the poorer areas of the East, such as Kapookistan and Moorabbistan, who were racked with drought, bushfires, poverty, Govt corruption, and a severe lack of decent gold mines.

 

"I don't understand what's going on in W.A.", whinged Crappy, "In fact, I don't even understand what they're saying! I reckon they're talking about us, behind our backs! I hate it when people talk in a foreign language, and you don't even know if they're talking to you, or talking about you!".

 

"Don't worry", said Turboid, "It won't be long before Hebrew is the official language of Australia, we've borrowed so much money nationally off the Global Jews, the country is virtually owned by them, anyway. Most people think the Chinese own most of Australia, but the Chinese are so far down the ladder, they won't even get a look-in, when the Jews foreclose, and....."

 

 

[Captain]

..... we rename Israelite Bay as New Jerusalem, and after a lengthy deliberation the Council of Elders (Abraham Onesie being one of the oldest) decided to call themselves the "Children of Ilkurlka". 

 

Meanwhile the Fuckir had become a diamond cutter, Arse-Armour, (now called Jacob), distributed the cut stones worldwide, and FIFO went from strength to strength, but with a schtickle of a tax problem ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....but  Captain butted in and said”you know they already own China?” Turbo flicked his Hijab up in surprise, as the Captain continued “I’ve won the contract to teach the Chinese Hebrew.

 

”Mei We” gasped Turbo as........

 

 

[Captain]

....but  Captain butted in and said”you know they already own China?” Turbo flicked his Hijab up in surprise, as the Captain continued “I’ve won the contract to teach the Chinese Hebrew.

 

”Mei We” gasped Turbo as........

 

..... the 1st of the Palestinian tunnelers turned into a frogman (but without any breathing aparatus) and .....

 

 

[Captain]

....but  Captain butted in and said”you know they already own China?” Turbo flicked his Hijab up in surprise, as the Captain continued “I’ve won the contract to teach the Chinese Hebrew.

 

”Mei We” gasped Turbo as........

 

Has Turbo invented a flick up hijab, just like flick up sunnies? If so he's on a winner I reckon.

 

 

[onetrack]

.....paddled his way to the surface of Rottnest Island. He spluttered, "That Craptain, he didn't tell us, there are already a heap of tunnels on Rottnest, they don't need us! We wasted our time coming here!"

 

At that, the Palestinians departed (on an Arab airline, being particularly careful to avoid EgyptAir and El Al).

 

But Israelite Bay was going from strength to strength as waves of Jews, fundamentalist Christians, and internet scammers moved in.

 

Scott Morrison gave the place his blessing, saying, "I knew that Australia, led by a Christian-oriented Liberal Govt, would have the ability to make it big with God one day, and Hallejulah, here we are!"

 

But soon, Israelite Bay had a large pollution problem, caused by a massive pile of foreskins, which no recycler wanted to touch.

 

"We must be able to make something out of them?", mused the Turboid, as he sipped on a latte, and studied the problem from the cool surrounds of his Moorabbistan coffee shop.

 

"I know!", exclaimed the Craptain excitedly, "We can ship them to China and they can......."

 

 

[Captain]

.... be made into Cheasles".

 

"Oh Skipper (or oy ve)" said Jacob "That's a bit crass as we never speak like on the cutting floor, nor when we were cave monkeys in the XXXXhole that was even worse than the Moorabin CBD".

 

At this stage though, Turbo didnt give a rats as he was making more money than the entire Aussie diamond industry because he had the contract to build the wall around the temple in New Jerusalem, which was ...

 

 

[onetrack]

.....valued at $155B, a contract that made the French Subs contract, look like a schoolkids lolly purchase from the school tuckshop.

 

But then Turbo rang up the Cappy and said, "Cappy, I need some good Middle-Eastern-type blokes for the tiling, or this job is going to take forever.

 

Those Middle-Easterners are particularly good at tiling, just as the Italians are particularly good with concrete and shoes. And we know the Italians are even better, when it comes to concrete shoes."

 

"I reckon I can organise that for you", says Captain. "I've got a wide range of contacts in the local Middle-Eastern groups - mostly through my drug-dealing of course, but they do do other work, to give themselves an air of legitimacy".

 

At that, Cappy dialled up Ahse-Amah and Abo Bin Fakir, and said, "Hey you guys, I've got a massive contract going begging here, and I reckon you blokes are the only ones with the ability to carry it out!"

 

"Sounds good to me!', said Abo. "Which high-profile Kaffir do we have to take out?"

 

"Oh, hell no", said Cappy, "It's not THAT kind of contract, this is......"

 

 

[Captain]

..... a tiling job that is bigger than when Atila (that's where the word originated) the Hun tiled the alps.

 

New Jerusalem was abuzz with the news that Tink had the contract. "He's a very good devout boy who deserves every success, but Abraham & the Council of Elders decided, as they do, to renegotiate the contract ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

on the grounds of excessive cost.

 

"It's only a wall already" said Menachim (Menny) "we don't need the gold plating; we're going to accept the Chinese tender - only 10% of your price"

 

Turbo pulled out his pen: "Could you please write that down on a piece of paper for me; like Bunnings I need written confirmation"

 

After a few seconds Menny looked up and said "The pen doesn't work"  

 

"I bought it in China" said Turbo "how about taking me out to the site and we'll see if we can reduce the earthworks"

 

After a few seconds Menny looked up and said "The Ute won't start". "I notice it's a Great Wall" said Turbo.

 

Menny said, "let's go back inside and have a few drinks" There were no chairs around the table.

 

Menny apologised "We bought a Chinese chair set; 'pure mahogany'  but there are only three legs per chair in the pack and the instructions are too small to read.

 

Turbo gave them thye marketing silence; Menny broke first. "Where do I sign" he said.

 

Turbo looked out to the left....

 

 

[Captain]

….. where he knew that Onesie's politics would be parked.

 

However all good things come to an end, in this case when the Tax Office investigated FIFO together with the Diamond Cutter's and Distributor's Coop by treating them like the Hells Angels and the Rebels and wielding their proceeds of crime legislation.

 

XXXXs were trumps throughout WA-nkerville and the number of mansion approvals in New Jerusalem dropped like a stone tablet, yet the sales of poly pipe at Mordechai Bunning's store went thru the roof, as cash was being buried faster than rifles were buried during Johnny H's gun buyback program.

 

Meanwhile the Uniroute's Water and Ark Fun Park (where he was the west's equivalent to the Crocodile Hunter, in this case Onesie was The Pigmy Bluetongue Hunter) had hit hard times because …………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

........the cotton farmers had stolen his water, and you now could only have dry rides.

 

Turbo was outraged at this baseless accusation, which could seriously affect his business "Cotton and Hot". The advertising featured.....

 

 

[Captain]

........the cotton farmers had stolen his water, and you now could only have dry rides.

 

Turbo was outraged at this baseless accusation, which could seriously affect his business "Cotton and Hot". The advertising featured.....

 

….. a cute little bunny doing loveable stuff and bull, all buff and oiled like a Chippendale dancer.

 

The Plunger's business had kicked on well after he initiated this advertising program as it accurately reflected his products, which were ………... 

 

 

[Captain]

Onetrack's Pygmy Bluetongue promotional Jim-Jams that failed so badly and sent the Theme Park close to the wall.

 

The 1st Nation guys, the Hebrew speaking chaps, the ex-ISIS members and the Palestinians just didn't go for them.

 

Although to be fair, the Palestinians that survived were still drying out and may not be a representative sample.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

....... cotton yarmulkes, cotton tsitsits, cotton shtreimels, cotton caftans, and cotton tallits. "But that's all Jewish SXXX!", exclaimed Cappy, "I thought all your your lines were going to be hot?!"

 

"They are", replied Turboy, "The cotton has all been freshly purloined from paddocks around St George and Dirranbandi. I've got some Middle Eastern gangs on the payroll, picking up bales in the middle of the night!"

 

"Gee, that sure makes it HOT cotton, alright!", said Crappy, wondering how Turbo got M.E. gangs on his payroll, when he was convinced they were all on his.

 

"I send the cotton straight to China to be processed, utilising 'Westpac' branded containers. When Border Force, AUSTRAC and the ATO see Westpac on the containers, they don't even bother checking the contents, they fly straight through."

 

"Same on the return trip - 'Westpac" branding, and it doesn't even get a second look. Everyone knows Westpac is a great brand name for laundering hot goods, money transfers, you name it. I love it."

 

"You're bound to get caught, unless you pay people off with cash in brown paper bags, like I and everyone else in NSW does", said Cappy.

 

"Not a snowflakes hope in Hell", said Turboid, "We're big enough now to ignore any laws, and besides, we're white collar, and everyone knows white collar crime is quite acceptable. It's the basis that most of the banking sector works on, anyway".

 

Right about then, Onetrack was heard to be muttering to himself about some........

 

 

[turboplanner]

....holes in the Captain's story, so he went to see Turbo who was having Hi Tea with Hiho, and just asked him straight; "what products do you sell"

 

"Flags" said Turbo, and poured another glass of the Captain's best Brown Bros.

 

"I was in Argentina at the time and met up with a guy called Raoul. Raoul opened with "Hola, mi casa su casa" and Io responded with "Hola, Manana" checked out of the Park Hyatt and spent a wonderful week travelling around Raoul's estates. It was Raoul who showed me how to grow Waterless Cotton, and that was the start of Turbine Cotton Inc. and he showed me over his extensive chicken farming business. He told me one night after a few too many that his father had been an assassin. He really was a Cotton Pickin, Chicken pluckin,son of a gun from Argentina."

 

"Well the cotton grew and I had to find a market for it, so I partnered up with Albert Namajinko and we designed a flag and started going round the Councils telling them they were on native land, and should be flying the native flag. It was Turbo who came up with the idea of going to lawyers Foxhunter Grabbit and Run and getting a standardised legal form for the Councils to sign paying $10,000 per year to display the flag under copyright."

 

The Flag idea went so well that we drew Torres Strait Island flag too, and even though they were never part of Australia, no one at the Councils checked, so we've had a long running business, and...

 

 

[Captain]

.... soon Turbo was in the flagpole business too, using Argentinian wood supplied by his lover Raoul. The poles were needed to fly the flags of Kangaroo Island, Fraser Island, Pitcairn Island, Pinchgut and any other poxy bit of ground that was disconnected from the mainland by more that 4 inches.

 

Soon you couldn't get into any council chambers because of the flagpoles which made them all look like the redoubt at the Alamo.

 

Again the money rolled in and Tubb walked away from the wall building contract just like the original bloke did pre JC.

 

Bur all was not perfect with affairs of Turbo's heart, as Raoul turned out to be .....