The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

....making another mistake. Turbo abjectly apologises for putting aviation material in the NES, and acknowledges how cleverly the Captain got Turbo to crap on CASA, while leaving no trail back to himself.

 

He also apologises to the 15 LAMES out there and will give them the address of the Captain's compound if they'd like to deal with him directly, or even better, ..........

 

 

[onetrack]

.....send him a lawyers letter. But bull was in trouble, having had a zip let go, as he bent over to grab a canape from a nearby table. Unfortunately, the zip was up the rear of the outfit and bull had gone commando that day, to ensure there was no underwear lines, and the sight of bulls bare arse was more than many of the partygoers could stand, so the building emptied quite rapidly.

 

But fortunately, Cappy, being the excellent tailor and seamstitcher he is (as shown by his huge knowledge of dress materials), was on the job quickly, and placing a peg on his nose, to enable him to work, he rapidly stitched up bull and bypassed the zip.

 

"Cappy, that's wonderful work you've done there", said bull, "I wouldn't have believed anyone could work so fast and stitch someone up like that, in that time!". 

 

"Ahhhh, that's O.K.", said Cappy in his usual modest manner, "I spend most of my time stitching people up, it's just a gift I've got!".

 

Meantimes, despite the shrinking crowd, it appeared there was still a CASA FOI in amongst the remnants of the partygoers.

 

He was the one wearing the Spoiler outfit, but no-one realised this, until he identified himself, and asked to see everyones logbooks.

 

"The dog ate mine!", said Cappy, using his favourite homework excuse. "That's not good enough!", said the FOI, "There'll be some serious.........."

 

 

[Captain]

....making another mistake. Turbo abjectly apologises for putting aviation material in the NES, and acknowledges how cleverly the Captain got Turbo to crap on CASA, while leaving no trail back to himself.

 

He also apologises to the 15 LAMES out there and will give them the address of the Captain's compound if they'd like to deal with him directly, or even better, ..........

 

"What" said some Moderator or other, aviation material in the NES? "What? In my experience, the only avref in the NES is when one of the hundreds of contributors add an avref (avref)" said some obscure WF (avref) Moderator or other.

 

……… we all know how diligent & dynamic LAMEs are, so your delightful Skipper reckon that they would make an ideal foil for the FIFO terrorists. "After all" he said with his usual wicked yet dashing smile "If the LAMEs withhold their services (like Mrs Turbo does), FIFO will just be IO and they will be XXXXed."

 

"No worries mate" said the native Australian biscuit cook "As a lame LAME in lamé will be an ideal target for my IO commando groups when they ..... 

 

 

[Captain]

.....He was the one wearing the Spoiler outfit, but no-one realised this, until he identified himself, and asked to see everyones logbooks.

 

"The dog ate mine!", said Cappy, using his favourite homework excuse. "That's not good enough!", said the FOI, "There'll be some serious.........."

 

…. consequences" so in typical CASA fashion they demanded that the Skipper hand over 2 of his grandkids until his Log Book is found and approved.

 

"Sorry about this kids, and goodbye" he said to his grand-nippers "Have a nice life and I hope you don't end up working for these RSoles."

 

"Pinching & brainwashing nippers is one of the few ways CASA can attract "employees"" observed Tubb.

 

And with this, a new Stolen Generation was borne and …………... 

 

 

[Captain]

STOP PRESS ……. Below is a new poster from a FIFO promotion that has been initiated by the Fuckir as a fresh recruitment initiative.

 

It is supposed to be a comedy so those attending will be relaxed and unable to resist the subliminal messages to take a free FIFO Bride, live in a free mansion in the Arabic speaking sector of east New Jerusalem and join up to fight for what is right.

 

The below has been translated from Arabic so apologies for any incorrect or inappropriate InGlish.

 

 

 

[Captain]

The Rotty tunnelling efforts eventually got back on track after the initial attempts headed west. "We thought we had to head to the west bank" said a spokesperson "And we went sufficiently west that, being very community minded as FIFO (IO) always are, we thought that we may as well have a look for MA370 (avref) while we were there."

 

Meanwhile, however, the Palestinian tunnelling crews (who became unintended frogmen) are facing a new challenge in the form of a New Mosad top secret killer shark based in New Jerusalem, see photo below.

 

"יאם יאם " said the shark in his best Hebrew brogue.

 

"اللعنة" replied the frogmen, "نحن محشوه ".

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

ANOTHER STOP PRESS ……. The Palestinian community on Rotty have just held a meeting in their new Mosque hall, catered by the Rotty CWA hijab wearing ladies, to ask the question "How many tunneling crews is Yasser (the Foreman) going to send down those tunnels before the dill realises that there is water 1.5 metres from the tunnel entrance."

 

" انه أحمق لعين" said Hamede "And it's like the poms did to the Aussies at Gallipoli (palestiniantranslationref)

 

The last of the tunnellers on Rotty, coming back up out of the water.

 

"Stuff that" he said in Arabic with conviction.

 

 

A top FIFO dude in the tunnel, just before the Indian Ocean made its first appearance.

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

In fact this pointless mission was rather similar to the time the NSW Government decided to empty Sydneys sewage into the ocean outside the Heads.

 

It wasn't long before Sydney Harbour filled with turds, so the Government decided to build a loooong pipe out to sea. This put the end of the pipe exactly into the fastest channel in to Sydney, and the pipe is listed as one of Australia's ten white elephants, along with the Aussat Satellite which Australia built and paid the US to launch before they realised there were no scientists smart enough to use it. Bob Menzies sent the people who designed it (who were also scientists), saying "fom time to time one has to do unpleasant duties; you can go to the Weather Bureau and forecast the weather for the 21st Century; that should keep you out of jolly trouble!; and you'll.....

 

 

[Captain]

…… perhaps then be able to run Westpac's send-whatever-money-you-like-to-whoever-you-like-overseas-moneylaundering-foreign operations.

 

Another thing you can get involved in is AMP's new insurance initiatives as I think there is a great insurance opportunity with PLO Constructions out on Rotty where they need cover & a no-claim bonus for their ………..

 

 

[onetrack]

.....also pointless, tunnelling operation - seeing as there are already plenty of tunnels there, and the only permanent residents of Rottnest are Quokkas."

 

Meantimes, Onetrack was greatly pleased with the progress on the construction of the Walls of New Jerusalem, being carried out by the labourers supplied by FIFO.

 

Then a problem arose, in the form of a CASA operative, who rolled up one day, and asked if a plan had been submitted to Esperance Council seeking approval for the height of the walls, and if that plan had been Okayed by CASA, to prevent aviation disasters caused by aircraft on final approach to Esperance airport, slamming into those walls, as they had no warning markings or lighting, installed on them.

 

"No, Turbo was supposed to look after that angle", said Onetrack, "After all, he was the one who started the project, and then abandoned his responsibilities in relation to it, when he went back East, chasing bigger money!"

 

"But it's no surprise, he's been regularly known to abandon his responsibilities - just look at the number of kids he's left fatherless around the country!".

 

"We'll have to put a stop to construction immediately", said the CASA operative, who specialised in stopping any activity that involved progress, development, or even just fun.

 

"We can't have people just putting up huge Biblical walls everywhere, they're a major aviation hazard, and besides, they're an eyesore, even to the flying public".

 

"I've got an idea!", piped up the Captain, "Why don't we.......

 

 

[Captain]

..... call up my mates at Mosad. They'll do this CASA bloke as a favour & in their spare time".

 

CASA had also been busy being officious out at Rotty and issued an Airworthy Notice on the tunnels "You must be playing with it" said Yasser "They are mutton bird holes mate" and ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

"...we have to take into account the environment. Fill them in and there'll be no more mutton birds to........."

 

[Turbo advises NES readers, that like many people, he is only human, and unlike some other people around here admits that he has many children, you have to do something in Victoria. However he had a flash of inspiration and advises the shortly the Turbine Family Choir will be leaving for a world tour on the stage. Turbo had read about a family in Austria at the beginning of WW2 who sang their way to freedom. No title for the show yet but Turbo is thinking of calling it Sound of Music]

 

 

[Captain]

[Turbo advises NES readers, that like many people, he is only human, and unlike some other people around here admits that he has many children, you have to do something in Victoria. However he had a flash of inspiration and advises the shortly the Turbine Family Choir will be leaving for a world tour on the stage. Turbo had read about a family in Austria at the beginning of WW2 who sang their way to freedom. No title for the show yet but Turbo is thinking of calling it Sound of Music]

 

….. however as is so often the case with Turbo, he has gone to far when he decided that the story needed to be hardened up a little by combining it with elements from the Jason Bourne genre. Below is a sample from the initial draft promotional trailer.

 

Note Turbo Nicolson's brilliant portrayal of Julie, where he even had a breast reduction for the role.

 

 

 

[Captain]

"...we have to take into account the environment. Fill them in and there'll be no more mutton birds to........."

 

….. knock off (kill not bonk) the Quokas, because the Mutton Birds and Quokas are mortal enemies, even worse that the PLO and the residents of New Jerusalem.

 

But CASA stuck their beaks into the issues again so as to ………... 

 

 

[onetrack]

..... offend everyone on Rottnest, including the loveable Quokkas, as well the Muttonbirds, along with the Palestinian Tunnellers. But things were not going so well with the tunnelling on Rottnest, either.

 

"CRABS", yelled Mustafa Skrahtch, Jumping out of the tunnels at an amazing speed. "Of course there's crabs here, this is Rottnest, isn't it?", said his tunnelling mate, Hamdullah Mogadam.

 

"I didn't mean THOSE crabs! I meant the OTHER sort of crabs!", yelled back Mustafa, as he furiously scratched his nutsack. "This place is riddled with them!!"

 

"Well, I guess it's time to pack up and leave this place to CASA inspectors", said Hamdullah. "I don't like their food here, anyway, I haven't been able to find a good Shurbat freekeh here, yet!".

 

"You can't just pack and leave on a moments notice, like that!", wailed Cappy, "You've got a heap of tunnelling to finish yet!".

 

"Shove your tunnelling where the sun doesn't shine, sunshine", said Mustafa to Cappy, "We're off like a brides nightie, mate! You'll have to find someone else to do your tunnelling!".

 

Cappy looked around in desperation, and spotting Turbwhine, said, "Turbs, I need some.......

 

 

[Captain]

..... help from you via your best Julie impersonation, as none of the PLO Johnnies would ever dream of harming anyone as virginal as you, so then you can .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

........get them back in the tunnels where they should be.

 

"Maybe the working conditions are the problem" mused Turbo "tell you what, I'll get them back for a 51% share in the tunnelling venture".

 

"DONE!" said the Captain, thinking "we were broke anyway".

 

"let's go down and have a look"

 

The floor of the tunnel was hot and rancid, but they both continued on. The Captain, who was nervous at the best of times have a squeal as two big white eyes loomed ahead. They seemed to be rising and falling. Could this be a sea monster, another trick by Clive Palmer, Big Tunnel trying to shut them down. The eyes called out; "We H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H "  It was like a steam train; the Captain grabbed Turbo and used him as a shield, the little coward. Then Turbo recognised the shape; it was Arfagh Bahrein, the sidekick of Mustafa Skrahtch.

 

"We've truck Coal!" Arfagh blurted out, and the Captain fainted; once again Turbo's sixth sense had....

 

 

[onetrack]

.... managed to save them all, as he pulled them all back into a cove, and the Rottnest train roared right past them!

 

"So THAT was the "eyes"!!', exclaimed Cappy. "It wasn't eyes at all!! It was the headlights of the Rottnest train!! And the coal that Arfagh found, was only coal that fell off the train's tender!!".

 

After the train went past, Arfagh said, "Hey, this is a brilliant find, discovering the Rottnest train and the tracks down here! We can utilise the tracks for carrying our tunnel soil!"

 

"I can't see why not", mused Cappy. "After all, the Army installed the train to build everything here, initially."

 

"Hang on", said Onetrack, "There's a little snag in your plans here, it's ......

 

 

[Captain]

...... only one track" said Onetrack and that means that apart from me enjoying hearing my WF name once more in the context of the NES, it .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

".......will be impossible to run the coal trains both ways at once"

 

"We'll use Autonomous trains" said Turbo. "electric trains so there will be zero emissions", and Arfagh Bahrein, The Captain and OneTrack nodded, and smiled, for this was the age of The Assertion.

 

Onetrack noticed a mutton bird sitting at the entrance to the tunnel and pointing east.................

 

 

[onetrack]

....and in the ancient Chinese traditions, this was an important omen - just like naming your tunnelling project, the "Golden Treasure 888" project, to facilitate great wealth and prosperity.

 

Of course, neither Turbwhine, Cappy, nor the Palestinians, realised at this point, that the Chinese had submitted a particularly low tender price for the tunnelling, and had won the tender.

 

The whole hidden aim of the Chinese, of course, was to completely flatten Rottnest with earthmovers, and turn it into a military base, complete with two 3300 metre runways, to facilitate the landing of China's biggest bombers, the Xian H-6K (avref).

 

"Clive was right!", cried Onetrack, as he studied the latest documents to land on his desk from his excellent "sources". "The Chinese are preparing for a military takeover of W.A., and they're doing it under the pretext of being good neighbours and helping the Palestinians! Of course, the Palestinians don't know yet, that the Chinese are billing them for the whole project. It's called "foreign assistance" in Chinese diplomatic-speak".

 

"That's outrageous!" said Cappy, wondering how he could get a slice of the massive amounts of Chinese money available, by pretending to "facilitate" the project, via his "important contacts", that would "smooth the way" through any problems. All Chinese payments to him would be via his Westpac account, of course, to ensure there was no record of any payments, and no tax would be payable.

 

"We will have to do something", pondered Turbwhine, "This is totally unacceptable. I guess we'll have to tap Clive for some funding, to oppose the Chinese moves, I'm sure he'll be.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

........keen to be seen to be doing something to protect Australia and its workforce.

 

Just then Turbo received a text that the Chinese had just landed 40 D7 dozers, 15 graders, and other "stuff" on the Spratly Islands.

 

You wouldn't believe it but just then there was a knock on the door and Nobushi poked his head in and said: "Can I be of any help..........."

 

 

[Captain]

........keen to be seen to be doing something to protect Australia and its workforce.

 

Just then Turbo received a text that the Chinese had just landed 40 D7 dozers, 15 graders, and other "stuff" on the Spratly Islands.

 

You wouldn't believe it but just then there was a knock on the door and Nobushi poked his head in and said: "Can I be of any help..........."

 

... with any plobrem issue out at the Splatreys?

 

Turbo immediately identified the opportunity (he has a very incisive mind) and jumped ......

 

 

[onetrack]

....onto the phone to Clive. "Clive, ol' Mate (because Turboid was extremely good mates with Clive, due to some mutual back-scratching, many years ago), we need about $33M, quick-smart, to intercept a Chinese takeover of Australia".

 

"FXXXXXX Chinese!!", screamed Clive, "I told 'em!!! I told 'em!! - and they wouldn't believe me!! What mine have they landed at, and how does it affect my income?"

 

"No need to get too excited", said Turbo, "They haven't actually landed here yet, but there's rumblings that a large Chinese construction force has landed on the Spratleys, and it's on its way to Rottnest".

 

"Rottnest??", said Clive. "I don't think I ever pegged Rottnest, how did I miss that place? - and what minerals are there there, that I can peg and sell to the Chinese, before they beat me??".

 

"Ahhhh, I don't think there's too much by way of minerals on Rottnest, apart from a bit of limestone, of which there's plenty on the mainland", said Turbo soothingly.

 

"But what the Chinese have done, is put in a low bid on some tunnels the Palestinians were going to dig, and they've won the contract. And we all know, moving in their equipment to 'dig tunnels' is just Commie-speak for 'taking over Australia'," said Turbo.

 

"FXXXXXX devious Chinese!!", exploded Clive, making Turbo hold the phone back from his ear a fair way. "I tell you what I'll do, I'll start up a new advertising campaign, based on 'Vote for Me and My Multi-Billion Mining Projects, and you'll be safe for ever from predatory Chinese!'," roared Clive. "When can you organise this new campaign, you've got all the money you need!!"

 

As Clive hung up, Turbo contemplated what he would do for this new advertising campaign of Clives. He could .....

 

 

[Captain]

.... take this up with bull who is the John Singleton of this century. 

 

But as usual the Monotrack got them out of the poo when his laboratory research showed that quoka poo had a use in eastern medicine.

 

"It works better that oysters as each lump of quoka dung works 100%" he divulged.

 

"So we are back in the poo and Turbs is king of the turds" which is what Planey always reckoned before he .....