The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

The Skipper is very pleased to see that the Singulartrack believes that Quoka Poo is 100% successful as an aphrodisiac, as when Cappy buys a dozen oysters, usually only about 9 or 10 of them work.

 

 

[turboplanner]

The Skipper is very pleased to see that the Singulartrack believes that Quoka Poo is 100% successful as an aphrodisiac, as when Cappy buys a dozen oysters, usually only about 9 or 10 of them work.

 

We shouldn't pick on Captain Blimp, but in a moment of weakness during his gin fog, he told Turbo that even though he was getting a 9 or 10 response, as soon as he got close his wife told him to sleep out in the yard because his breath smells.

 

Meanwhile in Beijing, one of the richest men in the world, who owned 83% of all chicken and duck farms in China, Wun Tak had been reading the NES.

 

"Why this person using my name!?" he roared, and....

 

 

[Captain]

We shouldn't pick on Captain Blimp, but in a moment of weakness during his gin fog, he told Turbo that even though he was getting a 9 or 10 response, as soon as he got close his wife told him to sleep out in the yard because his breath smells.

 

Meanwhile in Beijing, one of the richest men in the world, who owned 83% of all chicken and duck farms in China, Wun Tak had been reading the NES.

 

"Why this person using my name!?" he roared, and....

 

..... it was exposed the our beloved Onesie is the Chinese spy destined to be installed in federal parliament,  with his cover being washed in some hick WA rural community called Perth.

 

"We give him million dollar and soon let him roose" said Wun Tak, and then .....

 

Onesie pretending to be a panda so lhe looks cute and unsuspicious when his hit Cantberra .

 

 

 

[Captain]

One of the PLO tunnel diggers trying to follow Onesie's lead and look all quokka cute & non-threatening.

 

However his weren't aphrodisiacal, as Onetrack checked.

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......Turbo had one of his brainwaves; "why don't we dig all the way to China; then we won't need ships" he said

 

 

[onetrack]

....meantimes, Crappys obsession with chowing down Quokka poo was starting to raise eyebrows in the aviation circles. "The silly old buggers lost it", said Nob, "Fancy chowing down Quokka poo?? That's worse than eating at one of Wagga's greasy spoon cafes, or his local Chinese takeaway. At least his Chinese takeaway only uses Quokka meat, it dispenses with the poo and entrails".

 

The mystery Chinese businessman who had stolen Onetracks name in a case of outrageous ID theft, caused Onetrack to engage the services of some ex-ASIO employees to find out how his emails had been hacked, his mail nicked from his letterbox, and his ID stolen. The operatives reported back that the tracks of some local double-agents were starting to indicate these grubs lived in Kapookistan and Moorabbistan.

 

"I see", said Onetrack, "So these people claim to be upright and honest, when in fact, they spend 99% of their time (when they're not chowing down Quokka poo, trying to overcome their erectile dysfunction problems), on their computers, facilitating international crime! This must be stopped, it's worse behaviour than senior banking executives, at least the banking executives are prepared to admit to wrongdoing".

 

At that, Onetrack made some phone calls to some former Vietnam War buddies, who owed him numerous favours......

 

 

[Captain]

....".At that, Onetrack made some phone calls to some former Vietnam War buddies, who owed him numerous favours......

 

..... and would always have his back by encircling him with their walking frames.

 

But then it became all to apparent that the Vietnam War buddies to which Onesie was referring were working in a rice paddy north of Saigon or a French bread shop in Fairfield.

 

For Onesie was a VC who also contracted .....

 

 

[Captain]

.......Turbo had one of his brainwaves; "why don't we dig all the way to China; then we won't need ships" he said

 

AS AN ASIDE …. to our legion of overseas NES readers and to all those hundreds who interact daily with the highly anticipated & outstanding NES Blog, the above is a fine example of the type of thinking that has made Australian great. (If in doubt, dig a hole).

 

It follows in the footsteps of such magnificent world breaking achievements as the boomerang, a pointy digging stick, thongs, Rodney Rude, Bill Shorten, shark nets and the Moorabistan Lifestyle.

 

 

[onetrack]

(For Onesie was a VC who also contracted) ....out hits by pro marksmen, on anyone who offended him. Not to brag, but up until now, Onetrack was quite reserved about his VC that he'd received, which was bestowed on him for a battle in the back alleys of Vung Tau, during the Tet offensive.

 

"Yes", said Onetrack over a Scotch in the RSL, "It was a complete shambles that night, we fought them all the way, through every back alley in town, and came under withering fire.

 

The Yanks always hated getting thrown out of the bars at midnight, and they reacted badly. HQ heard about my leadership and command of tactics in that battle, and it was the tactic of yelling out that their beer was like bathwater, that drew their fire, and enabled us to find their positions.

 

All we had to do then, was wait until they ran out of ammo (because the Yanks empty every magazine as fast as they can), and we just walked right over them, then. Once HQ found out my troops had won, the VC just simply followed".

 

"That's an amazing story!", said an awed Cappy and Turbo. "We had no idea you were such a modest hero! It's quiet, unassuming people like you, that really do have the most amazing war tales to relate".

 

"Ahhh, it's nothing", said Onetrack, "Us quiet unassuming heroes like to keep our light under a bushel - sort of like Clive, you know?"

 

"Anyway", said Onetrack, "Moving forward, as the public servants like to say, what are we going to do about this Chinese threat? You know now, I've got a lot of useful experience in dealing with nasty Commies, so what about we....

 

 

[Captain]

………. treat them to a knuckle sandwaich the same way that I did to John McCain, and we'll dig a shipload of tunnels that turn reft just after the entlance."

 

And with this, Onetrack (or Một track as he likes to be known in his native lingo) exposed himself ("Not again" said Tubb) as being a guard in the Hanoi Hilton, so Onesie was just the right guy, or "đúng người đàn ông" as he so often says, to ………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

........grab an old boat and drift up to China to teach them some diplomacy. "All you have to do is, make sure it starts sinking when you're close to shore and they'll come out with a naval patrol boat, lift you out of the leaing tub and give you a nice dinner of dim sims stale bean curd. Then you'll be allocated a Legal Aid lawyer who pick up a cool mil per year for the five years it takes for him to commit the act of treason, and you'll be a Chinese citizen who can apply for the dole while stocking up with money you left on long term deposit here, and you can apply for a position in the imperial government where you can go down and flog the sh!t out of the Hong Kong English, then infiltrate the Australian government by dressing up like Pauline Han Song.

 

"Wouldn't it be quicker just to dress up like Pauline now?", asked Singletrack, "and........"

 

[NES readers may have noticed that Turbo skirted round the Vietnamese section. When the Vitenamese war was on and the Captaion and Mot track were doing their thing in Hanoi, Turbo was only two, and just writing his first book.

 

Turbo notes that the Captain did a put down on One Track in  #11085  by using the High English "sandwaich", and OT being a slug from Subiaco didn't notice the difference.]

 

 

[Captain]

"Wouldn't it be quicker just to dress up like Pauline now?", asked Singletrack, "and........"

 

….. with that, bull was rolling on the floor in his hangar in bone.

 

"turbo doesn't even know that they are two people (what a dill) named Pau Lin and Han Song" commented bull between guffors.

 

bull added, with derision, "Han Song is the brother of the bloke who runs the Hang Seng up there somewhere, so he has the power to freeze Asian share trading whenever he wants to."

 

"He has even more power than Eeen" added bull with a scoff, which is a very big statement that could get bull banned, but bull was unfazed and upped the anti by adding " …….

 

 

[onetrack]

..... but Eeen's power is limited to modding posts on WreckFline, which is on a par with freezing the offender right out of society".

 

Meantimes, Onetrack was taking extensive notes about who was making nasty, unfounded allegations about him, his ancestry, and his whereabouts.

 

This was to ensure that when the Chinese take over Australia, all Onetrack has to do, is hand over the names as "offenders against the State", and the offenders will disappear to reeducation camps, where they will be obliged to undergo major "thought reform".

But these plans pale into nothing compared to what has been happening in the Australian Parliament. It appears the Chinese have already installed a large number of sleepers in the Australian Parliament (as shown by the amount of nodding heads on the back benches, during Question Time).

 

These Chinese infiltrators have Anglicised their names to get voted in. Thus we have the likes of Anthony Albanese, formerly An-Zhang-We  Alba-Ne-Zhe, Bill Shorten, formerly Bei Sho-Ten, Penny Wong (who forgot to Anglicise her name), Tanya Plibersek, formerly Tien-Hou Peng-Shek. Of course, there are some who changed their names completely and totally, such as Milton Dick, whose original Chinese name is Hung Long.

 

Of course, Clive is completely unaware, that when he sat in Parliament - despite being a sleeper himself (but he wasn't a Chinese sleeper, just an ordinary sleepy sleeper) - he was sitting with a bunch of Chinese 5th columnists, particularly in the Labor Party, who were already setting subtle plans in place for the Great Chinese Takeover of Australia. That's "Takeover", not "Takeaway".

 

However, all is not lost yet, as Clive has major plans for the coming Chinese Insurrection in Australia, and they involve......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........the secret call to actiion: "It be ready in 15 minutes now", but.......

 

 

[onetrack]

.....his plan also involves numbers as coding for various actions against the Chinese Takeover, such as, "#68", means everyone will desert their workplaces, and hold up placards against the Chinese.

 

"#33", means everyone will go and get Kentucky Fried Chicken, and boycott every Chinese takeaway in town. "#88" means someone will get lucky, and score for the night.

 

However, Clives bold plan, as with all his plans, has a fatal flaw, it is......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......that numbers are just their way of indicating good or bad, lucky or unlucky; they use intonation (the Ying Tong of the Goons era) for their secret codes.

 

So “^good afternoon •Captain Cook, so •good to hear your •opinion, we •must meet again sometime” actually means

 

”S!t meeting, scumbag, hope we don’t see you again!”, and Turbo knew this would trip up both Monorail and.....

 

 

[onetrack]

.....Clive, who knew that the Chinese were utter and complete BXXXXXXS, as he repeated this opinion on regular occasions. It was obvious they "spoke with forked tongues", as he regularly found out in his courtroom stoushes with them.

 

However, Turbowhine had other plans to defeat the Chinese. His plan involved digging underneath the Spratleys until there was a huge stope, filling it with explosives and detonating them, and the Spratlys would just collapse into a giant hole overnight, taking everything Chinese with it.

 

"What an excellent idea", said Onetrack, who being an old military engineer and an ex-miner, knew all about the techniques of tunnelling and stoping.

 

It worked beautifully for the British on the Germans at Messines on June 7, 1917, so no reason why it wouldn't work on those nasty Chinese, intent on extending their domination to Australia and onto Clives mining leases.

 

"But we don't have enough tunnellers available", said Cappy, starting to warm to the idea of digging holes. After all, there was probably a way he could get a cut of the tunnelling costs, if he played his cards right and bribed the right people.

 

"Yes we have", said Turbowhine, "remember those Palestinians you left in the lurch on Rottnest? Well, we.....

 

 

[Captain]

..... need to identify more closely with them, so from here on I'm the "Turbowhine from Palestine" ..... but it didn't work as the Palestinians just called him the "Dope in the Stope" and that, dear readers, meant that .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......Turbo was heartbroken. To be publicly called a dope, when he had been working for years to remove the stigma was mortifying given his lowly beginnings, being forced to do a rabbit trap round after travelling for an hour in a school bus full of tainting older girls, just so he could have an evening meal of roast rabbit, which he did every evening for 12 years, and being forced to quit Primary School at the age of 26 to help out on the farm.

 

Then being invited to a ball, and being the only one to bring his cricket bat, and going to a beach party and sleeping on the beach like all the others, only to wake up and find they'd all gone back to town, which four hours walk away.

 

It was different now, when he came back to town. He circled the town three times in the  Citation or the Bombadier Challenger; they all wanted to know him then.

 

Wun Tak could stick his tunnel up his stope, and ......

 

 

[bull]

and I,ll go sit with bull [holding up the bar at the North Aus in Bone],,reaching the pool room he said to bull, hows the stitching holding up bull??   Well after awhile a low growling sound got louder and louder as bull slowly stood up and turned his backside so turdy could see the fresh bandages,,,After 14 surgeries and 150 "real" stitches and the looks from the ladies at the Bone rissole I am now just waiting for my rat trap to work. ………………...  Now this intreeged/intreuged/@$$#%@ it ...,,,,,,,puzzled the turdo master who was quick to ask , and what might that be he asked????…………………………...

 

 

[turboplanner]

......he was indeed curious because bull had been missing for a few days and this could be a case of arson or.......

 

 

[Captain]

......he was indeed curious because bull had been missing for a few days and this could be a case of arson or.......

 

..... Wun Tak's brothers Blue Tak and Tick Tak had ....

 

 

[onetrack]

...... got stuck when trying to change the positions they'd ended up in. But Turbwine and Crappy were fascinated by bull's stitches, which were definitely not held on by Blu Tack, and neither was bull chewing on Tic Tacs, so it was a double mystery.

 

And they also wondered why bull had a rat trap sutured to his bum? Could it be to catch out the too-friendly gays in the Bone public toilets? Or was there a completely different motive? Turbs and Crappy put their glasses on for a closer look, and were horrified to find......

 

 

[turboplanner]

That a plague of rats had hit Bone, fruit and vegetable capital of the world, and these were ass-biting Plague rats similar to those which caused the Plague of London. Turbo took the Bombadier Challenger, flew (avref) to Bone, put on his oxygen mask, and bravely did a low pass over the town. There was no movement. He did several more low passes, flattening some of the more basioc houses in the process, but it looked like all were lost in what was a flourishing food-producing town. Just as he was about to head back to Melbourne, he saw movement; an emaciated figure with a rat trap on its bum crawling out into the open and squinting up at Turbo.

 

"I'd recognise that person anywhere he thought and his heart lifted. Bone would have to be quarantined, but first, bull would have to be saved, but how...........

 

 

[Captain]

..... didn't Turbid realise that the population of bone were just dodging him, like almost everyone else does (he still thinks Moorabistan has a population of 5, after everyone else ducks into buildings or just stay out of sight when the warning goes out that Tinky is on the streets).

 

It's also why he never comes to the 500 strong monthly Wreck Flying (avref) social functions & Fly-Ins (avref)  ........ because they never invite him.

 

Anyway, back to the NES ......... bull would have to be saved, but how .........