The Never Ending Story

[bull]

when suddenly , out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash and a trail of smoke heading towards him [unbeknown to him the "rats [who had come to bone as 457 workers sponsored by their relative cappy] had just launched a...................................

 

 

[turboplanner]

........strategic attack on Australia's food bowl.

 

The Captain's nasty comments about Turbo were a good indication of his mental state. Schizophrenia had clealy set in some days ago and  he had turned into his alter-ego, a giant Rat.  (Some people would say he was a Rat all the time. but Turbo know it was just his affliction). The only way he could be stopped was by spraying him with Roundup (it went back to the roots). The trick was to catch.............

 

 

[onetrack]

.....the Rat with a huge Rat Trap first. But, how was anyone going to get within 50 metres of bulls bandaged and sutured rear orifice, without heavy duty breathing equipment??

 

So a call was put out to the Bone Fire Brigade to come to the rescue.

 

These brave blokes took time off from fighting serious-sized bushfires, to don their heavy duty breathing and protective equipment, so they could get within arms reach of bull and his sutured, rat-trap-fitted, rear-end. 

 

They picked him up, and bull screamed - mostly because the rat trap went off and caught his fingers.

 

But the firemen went on regardless with their rescue, they were tough men, used to screaming from victims they were rescuing.

 

"Buut, I duurnt waant to be rescuuued!!", said bull incoherently, through the results of 15 pots of beer and a bundle of bandages, some of which covered his mouth, and made him even harder to understand (it's hard enough trying to understand what he writes, let alone what he's speaking about).

 

But the firemen ignored him as they carried him to the waiting RFDS aircraft, that Cappy had just flown in (avref). As bull was being stretchered through the doorway, Cappy said, "No-o-oo! Not the Rat Trap!! - Not the Rat Trap!!......

 

 

[turboplanner]

......and Turbo remembered a time by a camp fire when he and the Captain were talking about their boundary riding history. “One day beside the Fence I needed a crap and as I squatted down I heard”SNAP!” - a dingo trap snapped around my Nuts - second worst pain I’ve ever felt.”

 

” That must have REALLY hurt” said Turbo, his eyes watering, “but what could possibly be worse than that”

 

”When I ran out of chain!” replied the Captain. 

 

They decided to...

 

 

[Captain]

......and Turbo remembered a time by a camp fire when he and the Captain were talking about their boundary riding history. “One day beside the Fence I needed a crap and as I squatted down I heard”SNAP!” - a dingo trap snapped around my Nuts - second worst pain I’ve ever felt.”

 

” That must have REALLY hurt” said Turbo, his eyes watering, “but what could possibly be worse than that”

 

”When I ran out of chain!” replied the Captain. 

 

They decided to...

 

..... try, from here on, to modernize their jokes and ......

 

 

[Captain]

..... try, from here on, to modernize their jokes and ......

 

..... "I have" said Turbo .....

 

 

[Captain]

..... "I have" said Turbo .....

 

... "Oh" said bull "Are you certain?" ......

 

 

[Captain]

... "Oh" said bull "Are you certain?" ......

 

.... "Yes" responded Turdboy "And that is why ......

 

 

[Captain]

.... "Yes" responded Turdboy "And that is why ......

 

.... I am the doyen of Wreck Flying and you, dear bull, are just the most attractive flyboy (or flygirl? .... dont knock it if you haven't tried it & not there is anything wrong with that) in FNQ, however ....

 

 

[onetrack]

......I'm just going to keep modernising ancient hoary jokes, because I've run out of ideas about what to write.

 

"But everyone thinks this story about you and Crappy going boundary-riding, is as about as fabricated as Pamela Andersons Baywatch boobs", said Onetrack. "Everyone knows the only boundary-riding you pair have ever done, is in your bed at night, in your wildest dreams!"

 

"Ahhh, that's not true", said Turboid. "My other nickname is 'Horse', and it refers to all my honed skills from rough-riding in the Outback. Why, I've even tamed wild camels and ridden them until they were like pussycats".

 

"What a flight of fancy (avref)", said Onetrack, "You wouldn't know one end of a camel from the other! You've been smoking too much home-grown, high-strength weed!".

 

"Well, I was well-instructed by the best Palestinian Camel-Riding Instructors one could find (PCRI's)", said Turboid. "As the Palestinians were done out of a tunnelling job, they had to turn to other sources of income, and seeing as all the local car-wash positions were taken, they turned to what else they knew best - camels!".

 

"It sounds a bit dodgy to me", said the Rat. "I guess they wanted to be paid in cash, no invoices, no questions asked, too?".

 

"Yes, they did have trouble getting accreditation as PCRI's, but I believe they saw a bloke in Waggastan, who sorted the problem at a high level with some bulging brown paper bags, accidentally left in certain offices, and their NSW PCRI qualifications were sent to them, without any further problems.

 

"Well, we'll have to see about this", said Onetrack, as he called up the local Camel-riding business.....

 

 

[Captain]

... and was answered by a Palestinian FIFO member.

 

"Are youze referring to the Stope Dope, are ya mate, eh? ......

 

 

[onetrack]

...."Yes, I believe he's also known under several aliases, so that could very likely be him. What do you know about his Camel-riding qualifications", said the Nice Rat.

 

"Where ya callin' from?", said the Palestinian suspiciously, "And who wants to know? We like to keep this kinda thing confidential, ya know?".

 

"I'm just calling from NSW", said the Rat ... and before he could say any more, the Palestinian answered loudly, "I dunno nothing about Camel-riding or qualifications, I'm just an occasional tunneller".

 

With that, the Rat was stumped. He put the phone down, musing on what he could do next.

 

"Ahhh, yes, the Outback", said Onetrack, "That reminds me of my own experiences in the rural and station regions. I've spent considerable time working in those regions, and I once knew a lovely girl there, you know?"

 

"She was such a generous soul. She was just the local sawmillers daughter, but she gave circular saws to every bloke she came into contact with."

 

"Yes, I've known a few girls like that", said the Rat. "Always giving, they are just amazing".

 

"But what are we going to do about checking up on the Turboids credentials?", sniffed the Rat. "He just makes this stuff up, as he goes along!"

 

"I know!", said Onetrack, we'll ask bull, he's from the Outback, because Bone is further out than the Black Stump! He'll know......

 

 

[Captain]

..... about the Tabloid's camel riding.

 

And the Captain harked back to that old joke .... Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? .... and the Palestinians all ducked for cover, even before .....

 

 

[bull]

the mention of what happens at those camel race meetings in Suady Arabia [at this point the biggest tunnelling boss screamed out ,,,,"calling all good soldiers of the caliphate" A fatwa is declared against that cappy @#$tard and I,ll give 13 young virgins and the state of prictoria to the brother who brings me this cappies scalp!!! suddenly the tunnelers started dancing in the halls as they prepared for...…………...                          !

 

 

[bull]

war against those wreckflying buddies of the cappy,[but unbeknownst to the cappy the turdy and bull and that onesie boy had fired up sir nobbies zelo and stealing an idea from that Hollywood movie [flight of the phenix something or other] the zelo was seen to be climbing out  with nobby flying and the rest hanging on to the wings as it banked away[avref] and set a course for...………………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

............Volgograd.

 

They landed to foind the locals at a BNS ball, and managed to hitch a ride in an all wheel drive which was considerable upmarket from Singlestick's old Cruiser.  The Vodka flowed all night, and they slept on the tundra, but next morning..............

 

 

 

 

[bull]

a droning noise could be heard,,looking up the Turbo and Bull saw a "drone"[really just an old rc  hustler with an os 40]circling above .  Oh no screamed the onesie boy ,,cappy have found us ,what will we do now?  Well said Bull maybe we...……………...

 

 

[Captain]

a droning noise could be heard,,looking up the Turbo and Bull saw a "drone"[really just an old rc  hustler with an os 40]circling above .  Oh no screamed the onesie boy ,,cappy have found us ,what will we do now?  Well said Bull maybe we...……………...

 

..... should just enjoy the Captain's excellent company and joie de vivre.

 

"Great idea" said Turbo to Onesie, Planey and 5 of his other WF buddies (as they showered together). "He's a great bloke and good fun, plus he saw post #11101 and we need to stop him from scalping himself"

 

Meanwhile Fatwa came in and said in her best Barry Hall voice "Which one of you jerks called me fat, or .....

 

100s OF READERS HAVE CALLED ME TO CONGRATULATE WF ON THE FACT THAT BULL INCLUDED A MOVING PICTURE IN HIS POST #11101 AND WE HAVE THEREFORE NOMINATED HIM AS WF MEMBER & COMPUTER SKILLS PERSON OF THE YEAR. "IT ADDS SO MUCH TO HIS USUALLY BLAND POSTS" WAS THE COMMON SENTIMENT EXPRESSED - MOD

 

 

[Captain]

..... should just enjoy the Captain's excellent company and joie de vivre.

 

"Great idea" said Turbo to Onesie, Planey and 5 of his other WF buddies (as they showered together). "He's a great bloke and good fun, plus he saw post #11101 and we need to stop him from scalping himself"

 

Meanwhile Fatwa came in and said in her best Barry Hall voice "Which one of you jerks called me fat, or .....

 

100s OF READERS HAVE CALLED ME TO CONGRATULATE WF ON THE FACT THAT BULL INCLUDED A MOVING PICTURE IN HIS POST #11101 AND WE HAVE THEREFORE NOMINATED HIM AS WF MEMBER & COMPUTER SKILLS PERSON OF THE YEAR. "IT ADDS SO MUCH TO HIS USUALLY BLAND POSTS" WAS THE COMMON SENTIMENT EXPRESSED - MOD

 

THE ABOVE POST ACTUALLY REFERENCES POST # 11114 IN BOTH PLACES. FOR SOME REASON MY TABLET HAS TROUBLE WITH CORRECT POST NUMBERS IMMEDIATELY AFTER POSTING.

 

 

[turboplanner]

........before she could go on, Turbo, who knew her skills with the knife rushed to protect his friend OneSick, by saying "Whoever that was must be blind!"

 

Big Mistake, Fatwa turned toward him and with a big beaming smile of her face........

 

WE ALL KNOW THAT FAT FINGERS LEAD TO MISTAKES, AND TABLETS ARE SO YESTERDAY, BUT BEST NOT TO PRICK OLD COOOKIES PRIDE AGAIN.

 

 

[Captain]

........before she could go on, Turbo, who knew her skills with the knife rushed to protect his friend OneSick, by saying "Whoever that was must be blind!"

 

Big Mistake, Fatwa turned toward him and with a big beaming smile of her face........

 

……….. "Oh no. Not that, ........ for god's sake Fatwa" said Turbo "Kill me now"

 

"I'm about to" she replied.

 

"I meant with the knife ………. pleeeeeease." said the TinyWink with emphasis on "knife".

 

"I'll do it" volunteered the MonoCourse stepping forward with gusto and purpose.

 

And soon there was a unsightly brawl within the NES, where bull, Unicourse & the Skipper fought to see who could have the knife to do the job. But then in came Planey with a machete and said "...………..

 

 

[Captain]

Your ever reliable Captain has undertaken a survey around Onetrack's home town and has exposed the word-play used by Onesie. The Onetrack's real nom-de-plume, I am reliably informed by his childhood associates, both male and female, is really Uniroute ...…. as he has only ever had one of them. 

 

 

[onetrack]

Onetrack finds the above post extremely difficult to believe, because it is well known that The Giant Rat from Kapookistan would never make it to OT's hometown, because, like all Rats, he is fearful of open spaces, and therefore suffers from crippling agoraphobia, thus meaning he is unable to cross over the Nullarbor Plain.

 

Fortunately, the Nullarbor Plain has protected us in the West for 190 years, against the pestilences of the East, apart from Skeleton Weed, which rode in on the train, and which cost us mucho moola to eradicate - and no-one in W.A. has ever sent the bill for exterminating it here, to NSW yet. 

 

It is obvious from The Rats clear photo in his avatar, that he's so ugly, any wimmen would run screaming from him in fear, so I'm guessing his tally of conquests is far below OT's. It appears that The Rat carries a large weapon, obviously used to subdue fleeing wimmen, and thereby leading readers of NES to correctly presume, that The Rat also lives in a cave, and grunts for communication purposes.

 

The Rat has also apparently not yet discovered Fire. When he does, he will be terribly fearful of it, as all Rats are. 

 

However, to return to all things aviation related in this story, bull indicated he would like to try shooting down the Captains drone, because he was worried about what it could be recording - whereupon he immediately produced a beautiful Tonolini Brescia double-barrelled 12 ga shotgun, and blew the contraption out of the sky.

 

When OT congratulated him on his fine shooting skills, and his excellent choice of fine Italian weaponry, bull remarked, "Ahh, it's nothing, I honed my skills on the ducks on Lake Boneville.......

 

 

[Captain]

It is obvious from The Rats clear photo in his avatar, that he's so ugly, any wimmen would run screaming from him in fear, so I'm guessing his tally of conquests is far below OT's.

 

……… and that, dear reader is a very perceptive observation by the UnoTrack and is the precise reason behind the formation of FIFO, because that will allow the Captain to access umpteen of the equivalent of ISIS brides.

 

"There are thousands of FIFO brides spread around the country and desperate for a FlyBoy's attention ……... on a 3-on 1-off roster basis.

 

But now, back to the riveting thread of the NES where Onesie said --

 

When OT congratulated him on his fine shooting skills, and his excellent choice of fine Italian weaponry, bull remarked, "Ahh, it's nothing, I honed my skills on the ducks on Lake Boneville.......

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....which brings up an interesting story from the past when the Captain and Turbo were watching the Australian Grand Prix from Turbo's Corporate Suite.

 

Now most people know what a Formula 1 car looks like, and in particular how it goes round and round and round and round a circuit, but the Captain had kept the waiters busy bringing gin all afternoon, and he was just beginning to pester some of Turbo's important Corporate Guests with Colonel Blimp-like truth-stretchers, like killing a lion with his pocket knife, when unaccountably he started pretending to be a F1 race driver, mentioning such "colleagues" as Fangio, Stirling Moss, and Jack Graham and dropped his feet into the soup by telling us that he had broken the World Speed Record at Lake Boneville. When driving him home to put him to bed Turbo made the fatal mistake of correcting him, and.......