The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

...... the Captain puffed out his chest, took umbridge, then stood up and hit his head on the roof of the Bentley.

 

"The chauffeur should always know his place" Cappy said to Tubb "And while I may be befuddled by Bombay Saphire, I'm not going to sit here in the back and listen to your working class chauffeur's ramblings."

 

Of course, Tink apologised, doffed his cap and .....

 

THE BENTLEY THAT TUBB DRIVES FOR THE SKIPPER, OUTSIDE THE CAPTAIN'S WEEKENDER. (If you look hard you can see the bump in the roof)

 

 

 

[Captain]

Based on his dressing down, the TinkyWinkler thought about doing what, in the chauffeurs community, is known as a "Lady Dianna", so he sped up and searched for a bridge column, however this weekender (for he has a few) of the Captain was on the Nullabor and even Tinks could work out that a 2 ft saltbush probably wouldn't do the trick.

 

So he thought further and decided instead to do a "Prince Andrew", but Andrew knocked him back.

 

 

[onetrack]

....this led to the Rat grabbing the wheel and running off the road into a ditch, as he and Turbo fought for control of the car.

 

Of course, Ratty Rattus made the serious procedural error of not stating loudly, "I HAVE CONTROL", as he grabbed the wheel, a procedure he failed to grasp when undergoing training.

 

This led to a heated discussion wherein Ratty told Turbo he was heading off to find a bunch of FIFO brides, who were all desperate for a man, according to him.

 

What Rattus was unaware of, of course, is that the FIFO terrorists didn't blow themselves up because U.S. Marines and Seals were closing in on them - No, Sir - they blew themselves up, simply because they were sick of being henpecked constantly by a dozen FIFO wives! - a fact that Ratty was blissfully unaware of, as he sallied forth to FIFO-Land, looking forward to a good molesting.

 

What he was also blissfully unaware of, was that Onetrack was a Commander of the FIFO group, as the FIFO group is concentrated in the Western Regions.

 

As a result, Onetrack was setting about personally selecting all the ugliest bushpig FIFO brides that everyone else had totally recoiled from. It was a fitting punishment for a Rat that demanded more than his fair share of the wimmen.

 

Accordingly, as Ratty Rattus' Aero Commander touched down in the West, with the Rat gleefully imagining the hordes of big-boobed blondes waiting to grasp for him, the bushpigs all surged forward onto the tarmac, and suddenly Ratty realised to his horror, what had happened! Onetrack had struck again!! He firewalled the throttle in desperation, as.......

 

 

[bull]

everybody knows the rat[captain] does not take negative views of him lightly,,,,,well after the dust had settled and the police and ambulances where gone ,a feeble voice could be heard whispering,,,,[has he gone yet?]from under the table. poor old turdy was in a bad way ,what with bruises on bruises and about a 1/3 of the blood required to sustain intelligent life.   Now the other wreckflying crewsat down and had a long thought about what should be done about the fangiocaptain, I know said onesie from way over at the bar drinking gin and tonic,why don't we...………….Ps turdy is also known as randy some times [about twice a year,from that harlet in  the cross...……………………]ps,after reviewing the latest posts , Bull has discovered he is one page behind on this post,,,but after reviewing his post again has found it flows with the story anyway so will remain up .

 

 

[bull]

Wheres that turdy boy anyone seen him ?, I cant find him anywhere said bull,

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....Turbo was not sure which feedline to take, but was in no position to write an answer anyway. He sneaked in to the Bone Bush Nursing Hospital and grabbed six blood packs from the fridge, sticking himself six times, but he knew he had to make a fast getaway or the Bushpigs would try to go another round. He slapped betadine and bandages on and had just managed to grab a suit from one of the changing rooms when he saw the first Bushpig approaching.

 

Not many people know that Turbo had been an olympic Athlete. He had been just about to do a Bradbury when all the others finished, but now it was on for real. He sprinted across the road with the Bushpig behind him.

 

Through the bush he ran until he came to a giant dam. Without a second thought he ran on to the dam wall and out to the middle where he did a swan dive for hundreds of feet down to the boiling river below, it was.........

 

 

[Captain]

..... as close to Indiana Jones as Tubb was ever going to get.

 

Either that or he was doing a reconstruct of the last dip of Harry Holt.

 

"Oh crap" said Turbo, which didn't sound too much like Indiana, so it's Portsea & the PLO tunnelers all over again, and that means that .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

Harry’s bolt hole tunnel back into the Portsea cliffs might be discovered. “Quick, get some concrete” yelled Harry who had been living a carefree beachcomber’s life for half a century. 

 

“If they find me.........”

 

 

[Captain]

Harry’s bolt hole tunnel back into the Portsea cliffs might be discovered. “Quick, get some concrete” yelled Harry who had been living a carefree beachcomber’s life for half a century. 

 

“If they find me.........”

 

... Zara is going to want another piece of me, and while Tubb's drought would make that seem attractive, Harry had converted to Islam and done a deal to have early access to his quota of virgins down on the beach.

 

"It's not that great" said Harold "As they are only still virgins because they look rougher thru their letterbox than do Onesie and bull combined (and that's pretty crook)"

 

But Harry, like Tubb, was pretty desperate for female company, so he .....

 

 

[onetrack]

..... thought the bushpigs he heard Cappy talking about, would suffice. "I have to stay in hiding, though, there'll be hell to pay over my lifestyle, while I'm still drawing down an ex-P.M.'s pension!" "Nah, that can't be right", said The Rat. "How could you be drawing down an ex-P.M.'s pension when everyone thinks you're dead?".

 

"It's easy when you're a politician", said Harry. "Most of the population have no idea what we're doing most of the time, and they all think we're swanning around doing nothing for most of the day, so I thought I'd just live up to expectations!".

 

"And besides, the Govt payroll systems have no idea if you're dead or alive, look at the number of dead people they've sent letters to! I've got plenty of letters, too! I just had to bin them, it was a bit overwhelming after a while!"

 

Meantimes, the bushpigs of FIFO had turned up, having got information that The Rat was in the vicinity. The Rat spotted them and was off like a rabbit being chased by a fox. The bushpigs took off in hot pursuit, intent on getting a man.

 

The Rat stumbled into Turboys office in downtown Moorabbistan, panic spread across his face. "Turbs, you gotta help me! The bushpigs are onto me, I only just escaped from their clutches!"

 

"Who are you?", said Turbs coolly, "I don't recall knowing you? Why would I shelter some refugee from a horde of bushpigs??" The Rat was flummoxed, here was his so-called best mate, disowning him in his hour of need!!

 

The situation called for desperate measures, so the Rat dived into......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....Turbo's Skip. It was the Skip that held the waste products from the cat farm.

 

The lid lifted slowly and two, by now discoloured, eyes peeped out.

 

"Stay there and crawl under the mess" whispered Turbo, almost wetting himself with mirth.

 

The Bushpigs came on, swaying like a mirage and blowing like horses.

 

"Where is zat MAN?" the first one asked, and Turbo pointed to the Skip, which he'd smeared liberally with cat entrails. A thousand blowflies rose as he waved his hand.

 

With a filthy look which is difficult through a letterbox she rushed off towards the neighbour's place followed by the horde. Turbo knew he hear the neighbour's shotgun soon, it happened to every salesman.

 

He reached into the skip and fearlessly dragged the bedraggled and gut covered captain, and turned the hose on him and threw him in the horse trough with some soap.

 

"How about I fry some sausages for lunch?" he asked, and the Captain turned green and....

 

 

[Captain]

....Turbo's Skip.

 

This prompt from Turbo helped the Captain remember the video of Turbo during his period as a soccer referee, where his skipping (Turboref) was a source of admiration by all on Wreck Flying (avref) and on Wreck Soccering.

 

The below video is a brief but representative display of Turbo as a referee and as a WF/WS contributor (Many on Wreck Flying had already discussed this aspect of Tubb's numerous posts which came to a head when Tubb and Onesie argued so vigorously in that legendary thread about the Sportstar prang at Renmark).

 

[You can see below why Tink wanted so much to be a Moderator, but was refused that honour.] ……….. MOD

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-3cuCEt9k8

 

 

 

[Captain]

"How about I fry some sausages for lunch?" he asked, and the Captain turned green ....

 

….. with envy, as he had always admired the Turdyplunger (from afar …. which is always the best place with Tink) as the Skip had always wanted his own letterbox and thereby to create his own line of onesie's about the Palestinian Hustle and to also plaster the little kids with political slogans (which he thought preferable to them wearing an explosives belt). Below are the 1st examples of production, which are selling like hot kababs.

 

But all good things come to an end and in this case ………….

 

 

The Captain's new line of stick on moustaches for women are also selling well.

 

 

 

[Captain]

Following messages from the hundreds of Palestinian members of Wreck Flying (avref), the Captain wishes to be an equal opportunity contributor and therefore offeres the following news items for consideration of their recreational (recref) aviation (avref) relevance, however the Skipper is pleased to advise that he eats soy regularly and  …………..

 

https://www.news.com.au/world/orthodox-rabbi-declares-ban-on-soy-as-it-makes-students-gay/news-story/203b7e34a80dad793f30ee43e444246f

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....it hasn’t turned him. Readers will note that since Turbo brought up the name of Harry Holt, he has gone into a frenzy of red herring waffle. This out of character and one wonders what he is trying to hide. Could it be.......?

 

 

[Captain]

....it hasn’t turned him. Readers will note that since Turbo brought up the name of Harry Holt, he has gone into a frenzy of red herring waffle. This out of character and one wonders what he is trying to hide. Could it be.......?

 

... that Turbs has lost the plot (again).... as at was the Skipper who identified Tubb as Harry Holt after his dive off the dam wall, but Tubb was under extreme pressure at the moment because he is also the subject of a critical reexamination of his role in the Lawyer X saga, the death of Yasar Crackafat and .....

 

 

[bull]

and the disappearance of sir Nobu ,[who was last seen  after a late night meeting with Turbo in the cross looking for that harlet that calls him randy]

 

 

[Captain]

and the disappearance of sir Nobu ,[who was last seen  after a late night meeting with Turbo in the cross looking for that harlet that calls him randy]

 

.... whereas Tubb's real name was "Alone", until his relationship with Sir Knob blossomed into a ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....dead end. Turbo knew that like a dog returning to its vomit the vilification would continue until Turbo stopped mentioning Harold Holt. He picked up the phone and called political journalist Hunter Catchem.

 

“HOLT FOUND - rumour of a relationship with Captain Cook descendent” the newspaper blared.

 

”That should send him into orbit......

 

 

[Captain]

Apologies for breaking into Tink's excellent story line, but new video has just been released of a FIFO member who has made it into show biz in a big way ......

 

 

 

[Captain]

....dead end. Turbo knew that like a dog returning to its vomit the vilification would continue until Turbo stopped mentioning Harold Holt. He picked up the phone and called political journalist Hunter Catchem.

 

“HOLT FOUND - rumour of a relationship with Captain Cook descendent” the newspaper blared.

 

”That should send him into orbit......

 

..... when Harry goes onto the Speaking Circuit to relate his experience with the Chinese Sub, the 72 Virgins, his time flying the Drifter (avref) and his .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......tunnelling experience he’s sure to be sent to......

 

 

[Captain]

......tunnelling experience he’s sure to be sent to......

 

..... Rotty as a Tunnel Rat to clear ....

 

 

[onetrack]

....out the crabs that have infested the tunnels, and which stopped the Palestinian tunnellers in their tracks.

 

"Ahhh, this is a piece of cake", said Harold (giving him his proper name, he's a C.H. you know), "I'll have these crabs hosed out faster than Calwells Labor team in a 1960's election".

 

With that, Harold disappeared into a tunnel. But after an hour or more, he hadn't returned. Turbs peered into the tunnel, and called out to Harold, to be met only with silence.

 

"Well, I'll be blowed", said Turbs, "The blokes done a Harold on us!! Not a sign of him anywhere!! He must've gone too far, and got caught in a rip!!"

 

At that, gloom descended on the gathering, comprised of bull, Turbs, Ratty and Onetrack. "He's hitched a ride on a Chinese sub, for sure", said Ratty.

 

"That's possible", said Turbs. "Clive has warned us regularly about the Chinese threat, now it looks like they've entered Australian Territorial Waters unnoticed, in a sub, not via an air assault on a mining airstrip, as Clive reckoned they would.

 

"Yair", said bull. "If those damned useless Collins-class subs were operational, instead of being in the Henderson shipyards 11 weeks out of 12, we might've stood a chance of intercepting the Chinese sub!".

 

"It'll work out alright", said Turbs soothingly. "Once we've spent $255B on the new Froggie Attack-class subs, the Chinese subs won't stand a chance, they'll stand out like the nuts on a Brahman bull".

 

"But they're 14 years into the future!", squeaked the Rat, "and by the time we get them, China will own Australia anyway, and they'll have 50 copies of the Attack-class sub in their fleet, a full 10 years before we get ours!!"

 

"Shhh", said Turbs, "I think I can hear something!". At that, they all leaned forward, listening for the sound that Turbs heard, which was.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

..........the steady pulse of a submarine's diesel engine. "They've taken him, and Onetrap is right again, Australia has no defence, unless......."

 

"Unless what!" snapped the Captain who was itching from the crabs.

 

"There's a perfectly good sub on the beach at Fremantle" said Turbo "all we have to do is find some diesel, start the engine, charge up the batteries and go!"

 

"Subs don't go on sand" said the Captain "and what about torpedoes?"

 

"and where would you get diesel? chimed in bull, influenced by the negativity of the Captain.

 

"it's no use" said Hi Ho who'd also caught the negative gene.

 

"I've got a couple of D9s" an hour away on a contract", said OneTrack. "We can two the sub off the beach, get someone to tow us down the the Refinery, fill up" and we can start charging.

 

"And what about the torpedoes?" repeated Captain with that smug British look that finds a way to sink almost all UK initiatives (brexit being a good example)

 

"We'll use you for the first one" said Turbo, and get the dud one out of the way first, but I happened to notice an old Navy store on the western side of Rottnest and there are four torpedoes there."

 

"But the Chinese sub will be long gone"  said Hi Ho stating the bleeding obvious.

 

"From my experience" said Turbo, a bearing will sieze at any minute, there will be four electrical faults requiring proper rewiring, and the solicon seals will have been made in China, so they will be hove to, with the engines running the pumps as hard as they can go about 30 miles west of Rottnest" said Turbo.

 

And that proved to be.....