The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

...... correct, as usual.

 

The TurbidPlonker is an interesting member of Wreck Flying as he is never wrong (just ask him) .... except for the low flying (avref) Renmark incident (avref), however if you recall a NES post about 200 - 300 ago, Turgid had taken on the Project Management of the Future Aussie Sub Program ("It's just a big waterproof truck with a few appendages that goes up (avref) & down (avref) as well as fwd (avref) & back (bombaimerjokeref), so no wuckers") was his memorable quote and admirable laid back attitude), but the new Subs had blown (Palestinian ref) out from just $50 billion to $135 billion and Tink was just a little anxious, which he tried to disguise by his old sub on the beach story.

 

And that proved to be ......

 

The sub on the beach at Freo. A rare photo.

 

 

 

[bull]

his undoing ,as the Chinese suddenly came over in the middle of the night and stole tubs submarine from Freo and towed it back to india for scrap.

 

 

[turboplanner]

That appeared to be the end of that, but Turbo also knew of a sub at Holbrook, had been inside it, and read some of the POH (averef) in the excellent museum nearby. Coulf they tow it, all the way to.......

 

Note to NES readers: Turbo acknowledges that he is wrong around 50% of the time (90% at home), but also that based on the Captain's sorry record it might SEEM that he's never wrong, and the Remark incident he is trying to blow up was merely offering a helpful alternative point. Cptain also had an opportunity to offer his view on that thread but all Turbao could get out of him was a burp from an excess of Bombay Gin (not the weak Mumbai stuff).

 

As an example of the Captain's constant wrongness, he decided to buy a dog, and asked the Pet Shop Manager how to train it. "put it on a lead" said the Manager so he took it to a park, tied it to a tree, sat down on a bench for an hour with a bottle of gin, and kept saying "Here Rupert", "Here Rupert", but it never came, so he took it back to the shop, complained it was untrainable, and tried to get his money back for both the dog and the gin.

 

 

[Captain]

 

BULL IS NOW ON HIS FINAL WARNING, AS DURING A RECENT MODERATORS' RETREAT AND CONVENTION WE IDENTIFIED BULL'S SUB GIF, AS SHOWN ABOVE, AS A DEPICTION OF A PHALOUS & EJACULATORUM (AS MICHELANGELO USED TO DESCRIBE THEM). THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AGAIN (ALTHOUGH WE DO CONCEDE THAT THIS MIGHT BE CONSIDERED NORMAL IN FNQ AND AROUND BONE) ..... MOD.

 

 

[Captain]

That appeared to be the end of that, but Turbo also knew of a sub at Holbrook, had been inside it, and read some of the POH (averef) in the excellent museum nearby. Coulf they tow it, all the way to.......

 

……… Narooma (the Snowies are just a minor irritant to the turbocharged TinkyWink) where it can be ……….

 

 

[Captain]

Meanwhile the Palestinians have latched onto a business and promotional opportunity on Rotty, where their initial attempts at escape have been turned into a major Tourist Attraction (winning the award for "The most useless piece of crap that has been used to drag dough out of Visitors" for 2019).

 

"It's amazing how an excess of cash (and a few blonde chicks) can convert bomb-chuckers into capitalists" commented Arse-Armour in an interview to the West Australian newspaper, and he added what has now become a PLO promotional catchphrase ….. "Capitalism before Capital-Punishment" ….. as they renounced violence, threw down their weapons, kissed each other (not just on the mouth either), bought cuddly puppies and kittens, donated heaps to Save the Children and the Salvos, wore crosses, became members of Amnesty International, the Red Cross and WWF and then pledged peace unto the world for evermore or longer.

 

The rest of humanity rejoiced & got busy getting pissed.

 

But them Arse-Armour (or AA as his new friends and the FIFO PR company that were rebadging him to look like a mid-eastern Santa) put his arm around the WA reporter and commented in the friendliest of tones "The Tunnel tours are going gangbusters, mate, however now we have a fXXXn tax problem as recently advised by PWC (Palestinians, Westbankers and other CXXXXS), so we have sent the ugliest of the FIFO brides off the Canberra to blow herself up in the Tax Office building. That will surely cure that (and her), and ……..

 

The Rotty Tunnel business is booming (explosivebeltref), see the below link.

 

https://www.rottnestfastferries.com.au/packages/train-and-tunnel-tour/ 

 

 

[onetrack]

.....we'll also get rid of one of the Bushpigs as well". "But there's problem with your plan", said Ratty."No-one can get into the ATO office in Canberra", it's totally secure - and besides, it's only staffed by computer robots, not humans, because humans make mistakes, and computer robots don't!"

 

"Well", said AA, "We'll organise to steal an aircraft (avref), fill it with explosives, and fly it into the ATO office, and blow up all the computer robots! That'll fix the tax problem!"

 

"Now we need a suicide volunteer to steal and fly an aircraft", said AA, "Everyone who has a pilots licence (because we need to be legally accountable to CASA on this), and who feels like killing themselves occasionally, step forward".

 

At that, Ratty stepped forward, not realising he was on a suicide mission - because his hearing was no longer the best, due to many hours sitting next to screaming Rotaxes sitting on 6000RPM and Continentals sitting on 3000RPM - because Ratty loved going places, fast!

 

Upon sighting Ratty stepping forward, AA couldn't conceal his excitement. "Ratty, you're the MAN!!", exclaimed AA, "Now, step into my office and we'll finalise this scheme to.......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....provide instant tax relief because everyone knows that no one backs up their records in big organization, especially when the happy.......

 

[Turbo is off to "Explore Rottnest Island’s beautiful marine life with snorkel and flipper hire" 

 

but has sent a text ahead to say he will not be requiring the flippers.]

 

 

[Captain]

.....we'll also get rid of one of the Bushpigs as well". "But there's problem with your plan", said Ratty."No-one can get into the ATO office in Canberra", it's totally secure - and besides, it's only staffed by computer robots, not humans, because humans make mistakes, and computer robots don't!"

 

"Well", said AA, "We'll organise to steal an aircraft (avref), fill it with explosives, and fly it into the ATO office, and blow up all the computer robots! That'll fix the tax problem!"

 

"Now we need a suicide volunteer to steal and fly an aircraft", said AA, "Everyone who has a pilots licence (because we need to be legally accountable to CASA on this), and who feels like killing themselves occasionally, step forward".

 

At that, Ratty stepped forward, not realising he was on a suicide mission - because his hearing was no longer the best, due to many hours sitting next to screaming Rotaxes sitting on 6000RPM and Continentals sitting on 3000RPM - because Ratty loved going places, fast!

 

Upon sighting Ratty stepping forward, AA couldn't conceal his excitement. "Ratty, you're the MAN!!", exclaimed AA, "Now, step into my office and we'll finalise this scheme to.......

 

……. take out the ATO. All Aussie's will love me after this, as it'll be a victory for the quiet Aussies. "Hey, that's a good political slogan, I might be able to sell that to Scott" said AA.

 

Once in the office, AA presented the Skipper with all of the necessary Pre-Bombing paperwork, all in accordance with ISO 9001. "It's all standard stuff with no catches" said AA "and has been signed by all the other guys and gals."

 

First there was Public Indemnity Insurance "This costs us a motza" commented AA, then Workers Comp "These rates are bullsXXt and exhorbitant" he added, then there was Personal Accident and IATA Travel Insurance, MediBank Private dispensations and Letterbox Depreciation Insurance. Next came the CASA paperwork, the Explosive Vests over State Borders approvals not to mention the Plant Quarantine docs and the ……………..

 

 

[Captain]

All of the paperwork used the below photo ID and was immediately accepted by the Aussie Government and the Security Dudes (most of whom looked like bombchuckers too) at the ATO.

 

 

 

[bull]

BULL IS NOW ON HIS FINAL WARNING, AS DURING A RECENT MODERATORS' RETREAT AND CONVENTION WE IDENTIFIED BULL'S SUB GIF, AS SHOWN ABOVE, AS A DEPICTION OF A PHALOUS & EJACULATORUM (AS MICHELANGELO USED TO DESCRIBE THEM). THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AGAIN (ALTHOUGH WE DO CONCEDE THAT THIS MIGHT BE CONSIDERED NORMAL IN FNQ AND AROUND BONE) ..... MOD.

 

According to all the latest"legal" [all I could find in 5 min on the net]advice,,, my depiction of a ww2 submarine firing out a torpedo is just that ,, a depiction of a ww2 submarine firing off a torpedo,if this is taken or viewed or understood in any other way ,then maybe there are some members on here moderaters[[iIIAAANN]that have a bit of strange thought processes and maybe should seek some professional help...………...Bull from Bone...…………….

 

 

[bull]

finally after much ado The Captain got out to the taxi way,and the check list could be heard being checked,but the last one on the list was disarm explosives before takeoff,,,so the cappy diligently leaned forward and flicked the switch...………………………..

 

 

[Captain]

 

AND THERE BULL GOES AGAIN, WITH THAT TERRIBLY PORNOGRAPHIC DEPICTION OF MRS BULL ENJOYING THE EXPLOSIVE END OF ONE OF THEIR NUMEROUS LOVEMAKING SESSIONS. THIS IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH, (ALTHOUGH IT APPEARS LIKE IT WAS OK FOR MRS BULL), AND BULL IS NOW ON 0.35 OF A FINAL WARNING ..... MOD

 

 

[Captain]

finally after much ado The Captain got out to the taxi way,and the check list could be heard being checked,but the last one on the list was disarm explosives before takeoff,,,so the cappy diligently leaned forward and flicked the switch...………………………..

 

.... "Oh crap" he was head saying "Did that say dis.......

 

 

[turboplanner]

..........but his increasing carelessness of recent months allowed Human Factors to sneak in and hit him square on the nose. With a grinding sound the torpedo......

 

 

[onetrack]

....launched, before he could even yell out "clear prop!". The torpedo took off across the airstrip and went straight through the wall of the pilot training school latrines, causing more than one occupant of the latrines to literally "crap himself", more so than sighting another aircraft landing in the opposite direction, when on final.

 

After travelling through the wall of the latrine, the torpedo continued on its merry way, burying itself in a Jaguar belonging to a AA (he wasn't averse to owning a chauffeur-driven Jag, even though it was a product of the decadent, immoral West, and built by Kafirs).

 

The torpedo then exploded in a ball of flame, scattering pieces of Jaguar as far afield as the airstrip far boundary. Cappy was appalled, horrified, and stricken with paralysing fear, all at once. What would AA do? - he would probably make Cappy into an example of torturous punishment for other wrongdoers to take note of. He had to move out, fast, before AA found out. He turned the key, and ......

 

 

[Captain]

He turned the key, and ......

 

..... poof, there stood Turbo, who himself was a ..........

 

Turbs in the shower with his friends and their temporary towels.

 

 

 

[bull]

AND THERE BULL GOES AGAIN, WITH THAT TERRIBLY PORNOGRAPHIC DEPICTION OF MRS BULL ENJOYING THE EXPLOSIVE END OF ONE OF THEIR NUMEROUS LOVEMAKING SESSIONS. THIS IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH, (ALTHOUGH IT APPEARS LIKE IT WAS OK FOR MRS BULL), AND BULL IS NOW ON 0.35 OF A FINAL WARNING ..... MOD

 

This cappy is off his cap!!                           Ian slap his wrist [the limp one will do]he is making a spectacle of himself [again]and is upsetting the locals,,,cheers………..

 

 

[bull]

  Sir Rataccus @age 1

 

 

[bull]

..... poof, there stood Turbo, who himself was a ......….looking a bit worse for wear ,trying to gather his thoughts the Tink………………..

 

Turbs in the shower with his friends and their temporary towels.

 

 

 

 

[onetrack]

....said, "Yeah, I can be a bit of a non-starter sometimes, too! Particularly the morning after a hard night, holding court at the 19th hole!"

 

Cappy yelled "Clear Prop", and swung the key again - and Turbs vanished - but the engine still wouldn't crank. It was becoming increasingly obvious to Ratty, that the torpedo had sapped all the current from the battery when it was launched.

 

"What am I going to do??", he wailed, as visions of being hung drawn and quartered, and then shot and hung again, passed in front of his eyes.

 

If it wasn't A-A hunting him down for destroying his Jag, it would be the airport owners looking for a piece of his hide, to pay for all the damage caused by the torpedo.

 

Then there was CASA to contend with. Cappy didn't know of any aviation regs that covered "accidental launch of a torpedo across an active runaway" - but he was sure CASA would be able to produce the relevant regulations - and list the associated penalties.

 

Next second, there was Onetrack, standing by the aircraft - with a set of big jumper cables and a battery cart. Cappy could've kissed him - except OT didn't take too kindly to being kissed by blokes, so he didn't try.

 

"Is this what you're looking for for?", said Onetrack. "God, yessss, PLEASE!!" cried the Rat.

 

"They'll only cost you $250 for 1 minute 30 seconds hire", said OT.

 

"We have specials on hire rates this week, particularly if you pay in cash in brown paper bags!"

 

"That's outrageous!", cried the Rat. "You're an extortionist!! You have no shame!!".

 

"Not where you're concerned, I haven't", said OT with a toothy grin. "Do you want the cables and cart, or am I going to.........

 

Here's Ratty desperately trying to find the hire fee......

 

 

 

[Captain]

"Not where you're concerned, I haven't", said OT with a toothy grin. "Do you want the cables and cart, or am I going to........

 

….. have to clamp them onto your ……...

 

 

[Captain]

Cappy yelled "Clear Prop", and swung the key again - and Turbs vanished - but the engine still wouldn't crank. It was becoming increasingly obvious to Ratty, that the torpedo had sapped all the current from the battery when it was launched.

 

Following this rather slipshod disclosure by Onesie, the CASA and the RAA instigated a Select Committee to identify the issue. The result is that all private aircraft, even the rag & tube guys (who are really bitching about it) are required to call "Clear Torpedo" at least 30 seconds before "Clear Prop" on each startup.

 

However the all powerful Human Factor's Subcommittee are now very concerned that this may compel pilots to fit sights and attack HMAS Brisbane each flight, prior to turning base each time ("We can't trust our pilots to have any brains" said the HF Szar), so the manure has really hit the Prop down on the 25th floor of RAA House.

 

 

[Captain]

"I'm a Human Fuckir" came the call from Rotty. " Is there a job for me at the RAA?".

 

"We had forgotten about you" responded the TabloidPublisher "And we ………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

...'re looking for someone to sweep the swarf off the floors."

 

The all-in brawl lasted nearly 30 minutes when a huge BANG! shook the ground. Everyone froze and......