The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

...'re looking for someone to sweep the swarf off the floors."

 

The all-in brawl lasted nearly 30 minutes when a huge BANG! shook the ground. Everyone froze and......

 

"SXXT" said Turbo who, as we know, is an expert on astro physics.

 

"I reckon that was another THE Big Bang" added Turbo Hawking.

 

"What is that" asked bull who was full of trepidation and loathing (for Turgid has that effect on people).

 

"Sit down young bull" said Turdy in the nature of a kindly grandfather. "The Big Bang is a theory and a cosmological model for the observable universe from the earliest known periods through its subsequent large-scale evolution. The model describes how the universe expanded from a very high-density and high-temperature state, and offers a comprehensive explanation for a broad range of phenomena, including the abundance of light elements, the cosmic microwave background (CMB), large-scale structure and Hubble's law (the farther away galaxies are, the faster they are moving away from Earth). If the observed conditions are extrapolated backwards in time using the known laws of physics, the prediction is that just before a period of very high density there was a singularity which is typically associated with the Big Bang. Current knowledge is insufficient to determine if the singularity was primordial."

 

"FXXX" responded bull "No wonder you XXXX yourself when you heard that loud noise, as you are a bit primordial too in appearance ........ but will I still be able to buy my usual ............

 

 

[onetrack]

......20L of 98 RON, if the Big Bang has affected the Tilt of the Planet and interfered with oil production?". "It's not the Tilt of the Planet, it's the Angle of the Dangle that's important", said the Cappy with a wise look.

 

"Speaking of things dangling, said bull", "Have you seen what else is dangling off your aircraft?". "No, what's dangling off it?", said Crappy.

 

"It looks like a heap of electrical wiring", said bull. "Have you been playing around with it, and trying to sort the electrics again?". "No", said Crappy, "I've never touched a thing under the cowl in weeks".

 

"Holy Moly!!" said bull, "It must be that The Fakir has turned your aircraft into a flying bomb, and is going to commandeer it and detonate it, as soon as you get airborne again!!"

 

"Not possible", said Crappy, "I've......

 

 

[Captain]

"Holy Moly!!" said bull, "It must be that The Fakir has turned your aircraft into a flying bomb, and is going to commandeer it and detonate it, as soon as you get airborne again!!"

 

"Not possible", said Crappy, "I've ...…

 

…….. undertaken an RAA & CASA course on Human Factors associated with Fuckirs and other fXXkers who attach bombs in aircraft (so that solves it all as Human Factors solves everything, including coughs, colds and sore holes) and therefore I will not take off trying to get home into Cyclone Allan, nor will I take off when I know there is a bomb attached, so I will instead call up Acccchhhmed the HF approved terrorist bomber and for a few scheckels more than FIFO are paying him to keeeel me, he will …….

 

 

[onetrack]

.....switch sides and come out and disable the bomb - particularly if I pay him in cash, in a brown paper bag. "But then you have to figure out how to dispose of Acccchhhmed", said Onetrack.

 

"That's easy", said Cappy, "I'll just tell him there's going to be a Quran-burning event held by Fraser Anning on the North side of Brizzy, and he'll be off like a rocket to go blow himself up, as they light up the Quran!"

 

"That's a brilliant idea!", said the Turbs. "But we still have to deal with your obsession with phalluses and ejaculation, you're seeing them everywhere!"

 

"What a lot of rubbish", said The Rat. "But did you happen to see the shape of that bomb?? It's shaped just like a huge phallus! So that must be why, when a dropped bomb goes off, everyone watching says, "Well, that's FXXXXED 'em!!".

 

"Listen" said Turdboy, "We gotta get you to a decent Shrink, to try and fix this unnatural obsession you have, with phalluses and ejaculation and sex! - you're not 13 anymore!!"

 

"Well, I wish I still was", said The Rat, "Why, when I was 13, I had .........

 

 

[Captain]

.... a reputation that I would die to still have now."

 

"I and my FIFO franchise can fix that for you" said Archhhhmed (or Meds as his mates call him) "Plus, we are opposing the use of Maggy Court's name by Tennis OZ because ......

 

 

[bull]

                           of her way of...…………[is it just me ??or does that racket seem to go somewhere???]…..

 

 

[Captain]

.... a reputation that I would die to still have now."

 

"I and my FIFO franchise can fix that for you" said Archhhhmed (or Meds as his mates call him) "Plus, we are opposing the use of Maggy Court's name by Tennis OZ because ......

 

……… we think that Maggy would look hot in a letterbox, plus I'll get another 144 virgins if I can convert her from a true believer Christian into a card carrying bomb chucker. I just hope my extra gross of virgins aren't as gross as Turbo was back when he was one prior to WW2."

 

Turbo remembered those days with great affection, when he was warned not to touch anything below his 4 pack and when Maggy was a hottie, before he ……..

 

MAGGIE STILL GET'S TINK'S HEART A-RACING AND HIS BLOOD A-PUMPING.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

....started putting Muzzies offside.  Med went on, "As part of our plans to turn Australia into a Sharia-law country, we only want Muzzies involved in any major promotional work. Maggy Court is well-known for upsetting Muzzies with her religion, and we Muzzies have to ensure that there's only one religion and Law in Australia - the Law of ALLAH - Allahu-Akbar!!"

 

"Now, turning to your reputation at age 13. I'm sorry, there's little we can do to recover your standing as a person of civility and repute, after the reputation you gained at age 13.

 

I mean to say, getting the milkmans wife pregnant while he was out delivering milk is pretty poor form, but vandalising the neighbours house and torching their car, while they were away, was truly over the top.

 

But there is one way you may be able to redeem yourself, and that is by becoming a good Islamic scholar and studying the Quran so that you can put all evil thoughts aside, and become a good jihad. Are you in on it?".

 

Cappy replied, "You think I.....

 

 

[Captain]

....I mean to say, getting the milkmans wife pregnant while he was out delivering milk is pretty poor form, but vandalising the neighbours house and torching their car, while they were away, was truly over the top.

 

But there is one way you may be able to redeem yourself, and that is by becoming a good Islamic scholar and studying the Quran so that you can put all evil thoughts aside, and become a good jihad. Are you in on it?".

 

Cappy replied, "You think I'd .....

 

……. have more respect for Tink if that was the case, as getting the Milko's wife preggers when he was 13 is a thing to be revered, particularly as Tink spent most of his 13th year experimenting with LMBTQRSTUVW activities, however he must have seen the light (or the light shining out) when he ………..

 

 

[turboplanner]

......gave it up and hit the books for the last couple of years, moving on to write a Thesis entitled "How I know the earth is warming  because of the Industrial Revolution", and a follow up "Cattle Flatulation and the melting of the Glaciers"  It set him up for........

 

 

[Captain]

......gave it up and hit the books for the last couple of years, moving on to write a Thesis entitled "How I know the earth is warming  because of the Industrial Revolution", and a follow up "Cattle Flatulation and the melting of the Glaciers"  It set him up for........

 

.... his gig as Turbid Hawking the astrid physicist, so he practiced by......

 

 

[Captain]

.... his gig as Turbid Hawking the astrid physicist, so he practiced by......

 

.... doing zoomies in his wheelchair and attending a Human Factors wheelchair seminar which stressed that .....

 

 

[onetrack]

..... many RA aircraft are not wheelchair friendly, with no wheelchair access points, and this failure would have to be addressed, as a matter of urgency.

 

But Turbid Hawking was ejected from the seminar, because he threw one zoomie too many, and ran over the seminar directors toes. 

 

Right there, Turbid gained more immeasureable planetary knowledge, when he learnt that you have to, "be careful whose toes you run over, because they may be connected to the AXXXe you have to kiss tomorrow".

 

Meantimes, Cappy had gone looking for his high school yearbook photos, just to prove that he was built like a wrestler when he was 13 and hung like a donkey as well.

 

But unfortunately, all he could find was pics of a scrawny, weedy-looking kid with gangly arms and legs, and a gormless look - so he became convinced someone had stuffed the photos up, and he hadn't found out about it, before now.

 

Suddenly, bull from Bone spoke a few words - and when bull spoke, everyone listened carefully (mostly because he slurred his words a lot). "Whaddya reckon?", said bull, "We go and find these......

 

 

[Captain]

But Turbid Hawking was ejected from the seminar, because he threw one zoomie too many, and ran over the seminar directors toes. 

 

And there dear reader is a vital lesson on the importance of Human Factors, ……… because the seminar eventually concluded, after a fair bit of testwork & debate, that while Turbo was indeed Human, the big Factor was that he is a FXXXwhit, something that the trucking and outboard motor industries had known for years.

 

Suddenly, bull from Bone spoke a few words - and when bull spoke, everyone listened carefully (mostly because he slurred his words a lot). "Whaddya reckon?", said bull, "We go and find these...…

 

….. lost capital letters, as bone, sydney, brisbane & moorabistan were getting sick of just being ordinary non-capitals.

 

"and don't forget about me" called the fukir "as i can't even yell out in capitals any more to make a point in my loud voice …………… and even when I swear, like xxxx off, it isn't in caps. we have to do something about this bull pxxxx"

 

eeeeen agreed as he needed his quota of capital letters to ………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

....stay ahead of the competition, which in the social media world rivals the French Revolution where you could get your head sliced off merely for looking like the Captain, who would probably have been the Guillotine blade man who was fed turnips to keep him irritable, and.....

 

[Dear NES readers Friends; take no notice of the evil Rat's ramblings in #11189. When he gets off his meds he's hard to handle, but is usually fixed by a good rap to the big toe with a sledge hammer. In the meantime Turbo sends his warmest regards and invitation to go out boating with him at any time (bring a dinghy)]

 

 

[Captain]

...stay ahead of the competition, which in the social media world rivals the French Revolution where you could get your head sliced off merely for looking like the Captain, who would probably have been the Guillotine blade man who was fed turnips to keep him irritable, and.....

 

…… let's not even mention the flatulence ………. oh the flatulence ……… which is a subject on its own in the Human Factors course, where the danger in an enclosed aircraft can be potent and the pong can cause Get-Home-It is plus there is a risk that the Pilot (avref) might think he has done a main bearing if there was any noise from the flaaaat part of the flatulence, so as a result HF have banned turnips & cabbage from the diets of all Pilots (avref). "That's another HF issue solved" said the HF Szar (who used to just be a 27Mhz Szar before his promotion) when ………..   

 

 

[turboplanner]

........and the diatribe went on for another 40 minutes, which was a sure sign that "someone" has recently been pinged for HF infrigements and slapped with a fine big enough to empty the gin bottles for a while.  The Captain had refused to fit a sump guard on his Benz 4WD Ute "because I'LL decide when I'm going to hit a rock, he'd painted the wheel nut loc ks on so they always appeared tight, instead of yellow strips he had puce, and his ID number was UPU 1......why would the HF people go after him? and why..........?

 

 

[Captain]

........and the diatribe went on for another 40 minutes, which was a sure sign that "someone" has recently been pinged for HF infrigements and slapped with a fine big enough to empty the gin bottles for a while.  The Captain had refused to fit a sump guard on his Benz 4WD Ute "because I'LL decide when I'm going to hit a rock, he'd painted the wheel nut loc ks on so they always appeared tight, instead of yellow strips he had puce, and his ID number was UPU 1......why would the HF people go after him? and why..........?

 

..... would Tubb have used the Skipper's aircraft ID when he did his "10-4 Good Budgie" truckie routine on approach into YSWG with 2 Qantas commuters & an airforce Herc in the pattern?

 

"That's a good question" said the UHF Szar, flexing his .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........mic finger. I used Captain's number for years; never paid a landing fee, until one over-officious, useless, self- opinionated official walked over to the cafe before I'd managed to wolf down my lunch and DEMANDED the $15.00 in front of EVERYONE, and then........

 

 

[Captain]

.........mic finger. I used Captain's number for years; never paid a landing fee, until one over-officious, useless, self- opinionated official walked over to the cafe before I'd managed to wolf down my lunch and DEMANDED the $15.00 in front of EVERYONE, and then........

 

.... I realised that I have no mates, so EVERYONE was actually NOBODY, and I therefore slit his throat and stored the body in a nearby Drifter, as nobody flies them any more."

 

"There's another example of where Human Factors are vital to the future of aviation" said the VHF Szar "As if that questioner hadn't been such an XXXX and wanting to get home while facing Cyclone Tubby, he would still be alive. All he really had to do was read a book and have a cuppa (plus a milko's wife or 2) and he'd have survived. Either that or .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

........read a few chapters of My Navigating Genius by Captain Cook VIII, (ghost written by commander Bull from bone), Translation into Queen’s English by Turbo.

 

 

[Captain]

........read a few chapters of My Navigating Genius by Captain Cook VIII, (ghost written by commander Bull from bone), Translation into Queen’s English by Turbo …....

 

……… and instantly fall asleep.

 

Hence the well known core principal of aviation, as defined by Human Factors in a separate 2 hr closed door section of every HF Seminar (including those given to commercial and navy pilots), …….. "FIVE HOURS FROM ANY TURBO TOME TO THROTTLE".

 

The HF Szar commented when asked by reporter Captain, "An experienced pilot is better off hitting the turps that reading anything Turbs has written if they want to stay awake on their next sector (avref)." and this resulted in the well known bumper sticker "Control your risk … Turps over Turbs".

 

Hence, this lead to a massive change in the manner in which ………….

 

 

[onetrack]

....... cockpit risks were measured. From now on, any of Turbs books would banned from being carried in aircraft, as they pose a significant threat to piloting abilities.

 

Worse than any level of alcohol, it was now considered that reading any more than 2 pages of any of Turbs books would rate as the equivalent of consuming 2 casks of cheap wine, and thereby render any pilot semi-conscious.

 

"No getting home if you carry a Turbo Tome" became the safety catch-cry. The HF Czar was mightily pleased, he'd found another reason for his existence.

 

Meantimes, there was still concern about Cappys state of mind, with his constant recognition of phallic symbols in everything he laid eyes on.

 

"Did you see the size of the control column on that machine??", he said, as he oggled the phallic symbol standing proud from the floor of the new ultralight that had just landed.

 

"Cappy", said bull, "We're going to have to.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....books were read. The print became smaller, which the old Captain had been complaining about for years, and his Navigation book came down to three pages which could be read in 15 minutes or so, which was about all it was worth, despite its prominent "Captain Cook VIII" title.

 

OneShip picked up the book with a heavy heart; he knew.......

 

[The Royal Nautical Society advises its brothers in the Aeronautical world that caution should be used before relying on this book. In fact it is of more value stored in the wallet as spare toilet paper than an almanac of the sea. Our Society has found that on some occasions when the obscure calculations are used, members have landed in Timbuktu, and on others Proserpine (pretty good, since Proserpine is not on the sea)]

 

 

[Captain]

"Cappy", said bull, "We're going to have to....

 

….. accept that Turb's writings are not only batsxxt boring, they are toxic, so ……..

 

OneShip picked up the book with a heavy heart; he knew that he would have to .......

 

….. accept that Turbo's writings are not only batsxxt boring, they are toxic, so ………..