The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

..... that does to create a nasty smell of cordite in an area where you should preferably be wearing the aroma of Paco Rabanne (which is supposed to make you smell like a million bucks).

 

Nothing puts Nikky off more than snuggling up to hear the latest plan to thwart police investigations, and instead, putting her nose into a dose of overpowering and lingering cordite smell. 

 

But Cappy was getting very jealous by this stage as it was obvious Nikky preferred Turbines company instead of him.

 

Besides, if he couldn't spend more time with Nikky, he'd miss out on some great corruption chances, going right through to the Premier and Cabinet.

 

He had to work out a plan to ensure that Turbo became more repulsive to Nikky. A great thought struck Cappy, he knew what he could do, and it involved decapitated horses and Turbos bed.

 

Cappy, ever gleeful of a new plan of action, set off in search of.......

 

 

[Captain]

....supposition on the Captain's part. Turbo's lips had been sealed by a 357 magnum held close to the ear, and you know what......

 

……..... a big gun is, until he saw The Captain's, when he unholstered his 44 magnum and at the same time whipped out his ………...

 

A PIC OF YOUR BELOVED SKIPPER WHEN HE GOT HIS 44 MAGNUM UNHOLSTERED

 

SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT HE HAD TO WHIP IT OUT WITH HIS LEFT HAND.

 

TURBO IS THE PUNK IN QUESTION.

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......pea shooter. Turbo pulled out his 12 gauge.........

 

 

[Captain]

.......pea shooter. Turbo pulled out his 12 gauge......…

 

…..... 12 gauge schmelve gauge, and the Skipper rolled out his 25 pounder, then zipped up again and …….

 

 

[Captain]

..... that does to create a nasty smell of cordite in an area where you should preferably be wearing the aroma of Paco Rabanne (which is supposed to make you smell like a million bucks).

 

Nothing puts Nikky off more than snuggling up to hear the latest plan to thwart police investigations, and instead, putting her nose into a dose of overpowering and lingering cordite smell. 

 

But Cappy was getting very jealous by this stage as it was obvious Nikky preferred Turbines company instead of him.

 

Besides, if he couldn't spend more time with Nikky, he'd miss out on some great corruption chances, going right through to the Premier and Cabinet.

 

He had to work out a plan to ensure that Turbo became more repulsive to Nikky. A great thought struck Cappy, he knew what he could do, and it involved decapitated horses and Turbos bed.

 

Cappy, ever gleeful of a new plan of action, set off in search of.......

 

Cappy, always the nice bloke, apologises to GoatTrack that his above excellent and Walkley award worthy post was leapfrogged (bull's favourite game when naked) and it will be addressed in due course.

 

 

[Captain]

..... He had to work out a plan to ensure that Turbo became more repulsive to Nikky. A great thought struck Cappy, he knew what he could do, and it involved decapitated horses and Turbos bed.

 

Cappy, ever gleeful of a new plan of action, set off in search of.......

 

..... some guidance as to Turgid's cleanliness regime.

 

"All I know is that he pongs bad" volunteered Planey, and this was surprising as Planey and Turbid are like that.

 

"Like what?" asked Goattrack.

 

bull thought long and medium hard (which was not much harder than soft) and said "........

 

 

[onetrack]

"......try and imagine a dirty laundry basket filled with six-week-old dirty clothes, crossed with a septic tank sporting a busted lid, and you have some idea of how he smells".

 

But Crappy thought that was quite a mild level of B.O., as his own B.O. was regarded as a cross between the smell of one of the donkeys that tourists ride up and down the cliff face of Santorini, between the Port and Oia, and one of the Golden Sun Camels that gives tourists, camel rides on Cable Beach.

 

"Surely, Turbine can't actually smell that good?", he said to bull. "Well", said bull, with a pause for long consideration (because bull hails from a town of s-l-o-w  t-a-l-k-e-r-s and s-l-o-w  t-h-i-n-k-e-r-s).

 

"Let's put it this way. If there was a 'before' and 'after' in aftershave competitions, Turbine would feature in the 'before' part of the competition".

 

"That good, eh?", said the Craptin thoughfully, stroking his 3 days of rough, black stubble. "I wonder then, would......

 

 

[Captain]

..... it make a good TV Special to pit the pong of the TurgidPutrid against that filthy old fuckir in WA-nkerville, bull who smells like a cane toad that was hit by a 6 iron 3 weeks ago and Goattrack who smells just like his name suggests.

 

"I could win that easy" yelled that rancid old fuckir, Aaarcchhhmed, responding to the challenge, as did Planey who wanted to be in on the contest as well, as he too was proud of his ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....lingering odour which was so bad it was said to rival a knackery after a long weekend.

 

"We need a venue" said bull, "let's hold the competition at the Hilton".

 

For a while it went well, the TV cameras on the girls on the red carpet, chatty interviews, and finally they closed the doors.

 

That's when...............

 

 

[bull]

……..... a big gun is, until he saw The Captain's, when he unholstered his 44 magnum and at the same time whipped out his ………...

 

A PIC OF YOUR BELOVED SKIPPER WHEN HE GOT HIS 44 MAGNUM UNHOLSTERED

 

SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT HE HAD TO WHIP IT OUT WITH HIS LEFT HAND.

 

TURBO IS THE PUNK IN QUESTION.

 

 

But turbo and other NES contributors are just a bit more on the eightball then Cappy and after looking at  said photo and realising that if you look really close ,you car,nt see any bulletsin the revolver as any shooter worth his lead knows "if your looking at the front of a 44 at that range and the  gun is loaded you can quite clearly see the bullet tips in the chamber of the revolver,,,So we will have to put in some "sanctions"    [good word that one ah,,watched Trummpy sayit on the telly] against the rat and I think limiting his ability to...……………...PS update ,,,sorry for being a bit slow on the uptake here guys/gals/in-betweens /etc.

 

 

[turboplanner]

..........put his foot in his mouth, while at the same time chewing gum would be a good start or....

 

 

[onetrack]

......testing him with rubbing circles on his stomach whilst walking backwards. Talking of backwards, it appears that Kappookistan, the ancestral home of The Nice Rat, has just been rated by Womans Day, as the most backward region in the nation, and WD has started a fundraiser on the GoFundMe website, to try and upgrade the region from the most backward region in Australia, to almost the most backward region in Australia.

 

"We know we'll never be able to lift the place a huge amount", said the Editor of WD, "And it's a fantasy to try and imagine we'd be able to lift the place to the level of a highly liveable region, such as Halls Creek - so the best we can do, is gather up enough funding to plant a huge line of big Plane trees, to hide the place from passing traffic - and that includes air traffic."

 

"Hey", Olde Kappookistan isn't THAT bad", said The Nice Big Rat, "after all, we've got a rifle range and a pizza shop, and 6 other empty shops, plus 43 of the towns 186 houses are occupied, so it's not all bad news!"

 

"Yes, but you forgot to mention, 23 of those occupied houses, are occupied by squatters!", said Onetrack disdainfully. "The place even makes Gulargambone look good! At least Gulargambone has some corrugated iron galahs!"

 

"But", said The Big Rat, "Gulargambone hasn't got.....

 

 

[Captain]

...... a Children's Globe of Peace, a Bell Tower and a chip on both shoulders like .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........our West Australian friend, who still reads the Argus, and tells Punch jokes to people from the East.

 

Turbo was travelling through once and came to the town of Albany.

 

Albany was used in WW1 to roup the Australian troups to pack them into troop ships; the government didn't want anyone to see, so they picked the most obscure town in Australia.

 

On this occasion though as he approached the two he couln't help but notice parked semi trainers with "The Big Event" signwritten on the curtains, and hundreds of 200 litre drumes (most blown over) painted bright red with TBE painted on them, and as he got closer flags with TBE and coloured bunting across the road, and then groups of people drinking from kegs of beer and waving him in to the town. (He found out later they were there to "greet the tourists, but can tell NES readers they were just P!issed and pointing in all directions.)

 

When he got to the main street it was blocked off, with six or seven people stading around looking in various directions for something to happen.

 

It was a ferret race......................

 

 

[bull]

.of epic proportions,unbelievably Tink and co has amassed over 1400 ferrets on a first class ferret track with live bunny bait.   The announcer started his spiel...Ladies and Gentleman welcome to an event beyond...………….....………………

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....all recognition, an event not seen anywhere else in the world (thank goodness). The event will start in 30 minutes; Gentlemen are reminded that bike clips for their trousers are available from the General store. Please do not touch the ferrets!, because......

 

[Turbo had ensured the last warning was announced; he had never even thought about commercially farming ferrets following an incident where, at the age of 13 a friend had invited Turbo to pat his pet ferret which was in a darkened wooden box. Turbo put his hand in the opening and the ferret latched on, it's teeth meeting at the bone.

 

Turbo withdrew his hand and the ferret came with it, snarling. He couldn't bang its head on a post because the jaws were attached to his finger.

 

The more he tried to shake it off the more it ripped his finger.

 

He grabbed a cigarette lighter and applied a flame to it's rear; it let go with a snarl of rage but ran up his arm and sank it's teeth into his check.

 

He tried the cigarette lighter again, but it knew what was coming and let go his jaw, but sank its teeth into his good hand.

 

Turbo raced for a horse trough, plunged his hand in and drowned the XXXXXXX.]

 

 

[onetrack]

It's unfortunate that the NES has lowered itself to the level of telling ferret stories by Eastern States contributors, but this is to be expected from a region where dunny racing, ute musters, and cane toad racing, are major sports.

 

It appears that the Eastern States contributors to NES view W.A. as the aXXXhole of Australia, from their view of quick visits whilst passing through. One does need to remind these visitors of what it is, that passes quickly through an aXXXhole.

 

Meantimes, whilst Crappy was preparing his evening meal of Spam (thanks to his Hawaiian ancestry) and tinned spaghetti, washed down by some cheap plain-label Eastern European wine, Turbine called on him to talk about their next jaunt West.

 

"Will we need some major backup, in case we get stuck", asked Cappy. "I mean, I've never been across the W.A. border, all Easterners know it's a place of savages and undeveloped swamps and sand dunes, interspersed with huge holes in the ground, where the West Oz Mining Entrepeneurs have ripped the guts out of the country for a quick billion!"

 

"Nah, we'll be right", said Turbine, "I've heard they've got Maccas and KFC and Mobil fuels, so I guess we'll be able to survive without resorting to shooting and skinning camels and boiling and condensing salt water, just to survive the trek".

 

"Hang on", said bull, "I've heard the place has pure white sandy beaches, gorgeous beach girls, cute quokkas, and even a couple of rivers! You can't go without taking me!"

 

So the hardy trio started on planning their major exploration venture to the West, with great trepidation and low expectations......

 

 

[Captain]

..... while they practiced adding an "up" to every place name they could think of, like Parramattaup, Rockhamptonup, Geelongup and all the rest.

 

"I can see why they constantly need to lift everything up" said bull "Because the entire joint looks like a dog with a tapeworm has dragged his aXse all over ......

 

ROVER DOING HIS THING DOWN NEAR FREO-UP

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

........the south east of the State at places like Coolongup, Coolbellup, Wattleup, Karnup, Keralup, Wannanup, Kooljerrenup, Coolup, West Coolup, Wagerup, Myalup, Warawarrup, Binnuyup, Dardanup......and that's where Turbo's eyes started getting; all genuine WA places; it would have to be a Spatial Engineers revenge, and would be a good research exercise for the trip although the problem would be finding the first Up to seee where this quaint naming system started from.

 

For the trip they chose an old Jab 230. bull put in a couple of rear seats from a Hyundai Getz because someone on the forum said no one would mind, Turbo worked over the breathing and got the power up to 240 hp, Captain adjusted the PIC seat in minute increments because he just had to be Captain, and Hi Ho was chosen as Navigator. With four people and full fuel the old Jab was 40% over MTOW, but hey, someone said that someone thouht that CASA was about to approve it anyway so off they roared down the runway heading west, but just as.....

 

 

[Captain]

..... they were about to rotate, Tink needed to tinkle (again), so the Skipper very skillfully aborted (which should have happened to Turbid all those years ago) and the 230 .....

 

 

[onetrack]

....skidded to a halt just 5 metres short of the airstrip perimeter fence. "Why didn't you go before we left?", complained Cappy as he spun the Jab around in a tight circle, and taxied back to the terminal.

 

"I did!", said Tinks, "But your flying skills left me absolutely sXXXing myself, and wetting my pants! - let alone wondering if the Jab would ever rotate!".

 

"It's alright", said Cappy, "I've flown a lot worse than this, and I've got the CASA record of convictions to prove it! Besides, they never make runways long enough, anyway!"

 

Once Tinks has completely emptied his bowels and bladder so nothing at all remained, he set to, throwing out of the Jab, several cartons of Brown Bros , golf club sets, blow-up sex dolls, bench-press weights, and a heap of other personal things he deemed totally unneccesary, in a bid to get the MTOW down to a level the Jab could actually get off the ground with.

 

"Hey, I hope I can get Brown Bros in W.A.!", wailed Cappy - "And how am I going to improve my handicap if I haven't got my best set of clubs with me?". He thought it prudent to not mention the blow-up doll.

 

"You'll be alright!", said Tinks, "W.A. will have wines that are better than Brown Bros, you can extend your tasting experience - and you can hire a set of clubs".

 

Once the weight and balance had been readjusted, Cappy firewalled the throttle, the Jab just cleared the perimeter fence by 10 feet, and the adventurous foursome set off, for the great unknown.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....a few seconds later there was a tremendous screeching and a jerk and the ASI slid back to 60.

 

"Firewall it!" yelled Turbo and Captain slammed the throttle home. 

 

Turbo's engine modifications allowed the engine to spin out to  7500 rpm and with the extra head work was pumping out 450 horsepower which made the aircraft surge forward, but in a millisecond fall back.  

 

"Did you remove the tie downs"? asked Turbo and Captain turned bright red.

 

"What did you tie them to?" asked Turbo.

 

"The fence" responded the Captain' and they realised they were still anchored to the ground and would be going backwards and down any second.

 

At that moment there was a crunch and the three tie down points finally pulled out of the fibreglass.

 

The motor was now spinning at 8500 rpm, and the Captain screamed "We'll lose the thought bolts!, We'll lose the through bolts!!!!" but Turbo just smiled and said I made a set out of a 20 litre Cat main bolts, so if they let go there'll be enough shrapnel to take out half the roos in WA".

 

The ASI climbed again, Captain eased back the throttle and they were on their way again.......

 

 

[bull]

Bull in the back mumbling about "true virgins again" and turbo cracking a stubby, the captain for once was not rancid as usual, he had found a gutter drain and had a bath ,,as per attached evidence...……………..

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......which unfortunately you need to obtain because it's only on rare occasions that well-known BO isn't wafting around.

 

The Captain was a capable RA pilot, and they landed at Broken Hill and spent the night at Mario's with Captain, very relieved to have pulled off a flight for once regaling everyone in the old pub with stories of his legendary flying.

 

It was back out to the airport early the next morning with the passengers huddled in those lumpy old lounge chairs while the Captain carried out the preflight, and worked out his flight plan which appeared to be asking which way was west.

 

The powerful engine had them climbing at an amazing rate off 23 and cruising above the endless red earth.

 

"I'd hate to have an engine failure over this............"

 

 

[Captain]

Bull in the back mumbling about "true virgins again" and turbo cracking a stubby, the captain for once was not rancid as usual, he had found a gutter drain and had a bath ,,as per attached evidence...……………..

 

... "Did someone say bath?" said the Moorabin Mauler, with revulsion, as he had been limiting himself to APC's since 2001 and you could sure pick that out in the close (erky perky) confines of the 230.

 

"We can ne take any more, Capt'n" said Kokodatrack, ever the engineer and Star Trek groupie, because ....