The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

.......which unfortunately you need to obtain because it's only on rare occasions that well-known BO isn't wafting around.

 

The Captain was a capable RA pilot, and they landed at Broken Hill and spent the night at Mario's with Captain, very relieved to have pulled off a flight for once regaling everyone in the old pub with stories of his legendary flying.

 

It was back out to the airport early the next morning with the passengers huddled in those lumpy old lounge chairs while the Captain carried out the preflight, and worked out his flight plan which appeared to be asking which way was west.

 

The powerful engine had them climbing at an amazing rate off 23 and cruising above the endless red earth.

 

"I'd hate to have an engine failure over this............"

 

.... barren (which Turbo was .... but which was also always the title that he wanted from Liz) country.

 

This harked back to an embarrassing period in Tubb's so-called life, when he offered to sleep with any of the ugly royals in return for a Baronette, but never the one to spread stories, the Captain will take this no further, except to say that it involved Anne and her half sister who they keep in the belltower, where ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....the bell rang every 15 minutes. ......

 

 

[Captain]

.....the bell rang every 15 minutes. ......

 

.... "Well", said Turgid after each dong "That's another one done" (Tink was a machine back then) as he moved to the next one, but when he opened this door .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......they were back in the Jabiru heading for Western Australia and the Captain was lost. Ironically this was at the exact location where the Wackett pilot had to make the decision to veer north or south. “Which way will I go?” he asked. Turbo had been waiting for 40 years for this opportunity (after accidentally turned the fuel off) and said “You’re the PIC” ......

 

 

[Captain]

.......they were back in the Jabiru heading for Western Australia and the Captain was lost. Ironically this was at the exact location where the Wackett pilot had to make the decision to veer north or south. “Which way will I go?” he asked. Turbo had been waiting for 40 years for this opportunity (after accidentally turned the fuel off) and said “You’re the PIC” ......

 

.... so head NW, my best mate & pilot extraordinaire Skipper ....... as Anne & her hottie sister are still there and hogging for me.

 

The ever reliable Jab got them into Heathrow in no time (even tho our Cappy gave bugger all calls and referred to a BA 4 bar guy as a wanker, so he must have thought that he lives in Perth) and then a quick Uber to the Tower saw Tubb burst into room (cell) 74 only to find it full of assorted bomb-chuckers who had been without, longer than Anne & her sis. For this was a CIA/MI6 secret holding cell and the head Fuckir was ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

Achmed Ramsham who beat the Captain hourly thinking he was a Trump spy.

 

To help his friend, Turbo phoned the only person he knew in that Godforsaken country, Phil Perry who had flown at Berwick where real men flew Spitfars and. ...........

 

 

[onetrack]

....smoked pipes, and drank warm beer from large pots. "I say!", said Crappy, imitating an English accent badly, "Is this Western Orstralia? We set off quite a few hours ago, and it appears our compass was a little wonky, mainly because Turbine placed his 'We Landed At Forrest' fridge magnet on the instrument panel, right next to the compass. So, we're not quite sure if we've landed in Perth or not, all big cities look the same today!".

 

"Of course this isn't Western Orstralia, you clown from the land of the Kangaroo", said one of the Poms. "This is London, surely you can see that by Big Ben and Windsor Castle as you flew in?"

 

"Cripes", said Crappy, doing his best Bazza imitation. "I thought this place had too many wogs, chinks, curry-munchers and muzzies to be London? I could've guessed it, now that I see a curry house on every street corner!".

 

"My God", said the Pom, "You colonials are so crude and backwards, aren't you? This is the most cosmopolitan city in the world, we accommodate anyone with a passport from any former British Dominion!".

 

"Geez, said Crappy, "I'm dry as a Pommies towel, you wouldn't be able to find us a cold beer, would you? - or a bottle of some Brown Bros finest vintage?"

 

"Don't be silly", said the Pom, "We don't drink cold beer, that's for ignorant colonials. And what is this 'Brown Bros' you speak of?"

 

"Ahhhh, it doesn't matter", said Cappy in a fit of gloom, knowing full well he wouldn't be able to get anything else but warm beer and cold pork pies in the place. He said to the others, "Let's go and....

 

 

[turboplanner]

“......fire up the Jab. We’ll head SOUTH so there’s a good chance we’ll make the Southern Hemisphere, and this time KEEP YOUR MAGNET TO YOURSELF and shut .....”

 

 

[bull]

fuel up the 230,and head south,,,What said turdy and bull??we only just got here and the pub tarts,opps sorry pub darts where supposed to to be pretty good ……………….[beaten to the punch by the very slippery turbo,,at least we both said to head south,,lol]

 

 

[Captain]

 

 

 

[Captain]

“......fire up the Jab. We’ll head SOUTH so there’s a good chance we’ll make the Southern Hemisphere, and this time KEEP YOUR MAGNET TO YOURSELF and shut .....”

 

... the baggage door before we cross the channel and ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

........Oh, did you check the fuel before........

 

 

[Captain]

........Oh, did you check the fuel before........

 

..... "Of course I did you clot" replied bull, who was designated fuel monitor for this flight (he was the Jab's equivalent of the unknown other bloke with Kingsford Smith, whereas your brave Captain was the epitome of Sir Charles (starched scarf & all) with speeches available for each stop).

 

So Baron von Turps and his unreliable (but accommodating) commoner companion, Goattrack, were just the usual equivalent of ballast, as indeed they are to the NES, but then again, that's probably making too light of their essential function of .....

 

 

[Captain]

Sick of being just ballast whenever he goes (like the bricks in the Batavia), Onesie has gone all epicurean and theatrical ....."Which is just another way of saying that he gets pissed and is overly dramatic" said the barren Baron cruelly , but the ever loyal Captain patiently explained that Onesie now owns a winery & a theatre.

 

 

https://goattracktheatre.com 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....and the Theatre was currently playing  The Secret Life of Captain Whoopie (produces by Turbine Theatre) which portrays the Captain’s life from the time when he pinched all the kids’ lunch money at primary school, tied his girlfriend’s (soon to be ex) nickers to the High School flagpole, drank a bottle of whisky before picking up his partner for the Debutante Ball (This was the basis for the US book Peyton Place) was invited to Buckingham Palace by Turbo and called the Queen Mother “Mum” (which was eventually to cost Turbo his OA). [We can’t tell you the ending because you wouldn’t believe it, but the giant photos (magnified 30X) come out in the last scene.

 

Meanwhile after a stopover for Bombay Curry in Mumbai, which Captain insisted on calling Bombay, much to the irritation of the locals, many of whom were now millionaires with Coca Cola or Colonel Ghandi’s Mysore Curried Fried Chicken shops. They lined up on Mumbai International and after waiting for the cattle and foot traffic to stop the Colonel as he was temporarily calling himself opened the throttle and the Jab headed for Australia.   This was the sector where Sir Charles KS disappeared and the Captain was nervous and realised he had eaten too much curry.  Suddenly........

 

 

[Captain]

..... the ever reliable Skipper rolled (avref) onto one cheek and followed through ......................... on his undertaking to ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

....behave himself on this leg. It soon became obvious though, that this had been the nautical equivalent of a technicolour yawn, and the passengers dived for the breezes coming in around the door seals. "Get it DOWN!" shouted Onesniff, "Right NOW!" said bull, and Turbo was making choking noises.

 

They were off the coast of Myanmar (which was Burma when Sir CKS, a tired man of 38 and J.T. Pethybridge disappeared)

 

Captain felt another surge, and prepared to sacrifice himself to save the lungs of his friends; he pushed the nose down and it was then that he noticed a small island. Not only that, but someone had cut down the brush and built an airstrip.

 

As he got closer he could see two very old men waving tattered white material. He thought he recognised.....

 

 

[Captain]

As he got closer he could see two very old men waving tattered white material. He thought he recognised.....

 

……… Planey and HiHo (looking even gaunter and crooker than they used to), who had been missing from the NES for yonks.

 

There was no sock but the Skipper landed faultlessly as usual (in the 24 knots gusting 27 crosswind) with nary a bump and he thought "Six in a 230 with full fuel? …................................…… No worries eh, as that's only about 100% over MTOW & CASA are about to up that limit anyway ........... plus 230s are as strong as all getout, so we'll be fine."

 

But after loading everyone up (there was a 3rd row of seats that were easily accommodated in the 230's roomy fuselage (avref)) on this last chance of saving Planey and the HidyHody, the skipper went thru his usual complete & thorough pre-flight and called "Clear Torpedoe" and 30 secs later "Clear Prop" but as his thumb headed for the starter button Plany said "You can't start up yet as, even though I appreciate that the island is now uninhabited, you didn't call that loud enough as defined by the 230's manual, RAA Regs and the Human Factors point 7.i.3.ii subsection 12.

 

The Skipper was his usual calm and professional self, but Turbo went apeXXXX and said ..................

 

 

[turboplanner]

......XXXX the manual, let's get going, Hi Ho's squashing my foot with his elbow, and CASA won't mind because......

 

 

[Captain]

......XXXX the manual, let's get going, Hi Ho's squashing my foot with his elbow, and CASA won't mind because......

 

............. if this bunch of dickheads do an MH 370, nobody is going to care, except ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

........the Queen, who was about to summons the Captain to Buckingham Palace to Knight him, following Turbo's tireless years of reporting his good deeds (and believe me you had to be tireless to find them.)  But it didn't have to come to that; Turbo's head work ensured more power than was needed, and the aircraft soon was heading to another island with another two old men waving a tattered white flag on another runway which had been cut out of another lot of trees HINT; COULD THEY BE SIR CHARLES KINGSFORD SMITH AND .....

 

 

[Captain]

........the Queen, who was about to summons the Captain to Buckingham Palace to Knight him, following Turbo's tireless years of reporting his good deeds (and believe me you had to be tireless to find them.)  But it didn't have to come to that; Turbo's head work ensured more power than was needed, and the aircraft soon was heading to another island with another two old men waving a tattered white flag on another runway which had been cut out of another lot of trees HINT; COULD THEY BE SIR CHARLES KINGSFORD SMITH AND .....

 

................ THAT OTHER BLOKE? The Skipper had noted that Tink has done the necessary research via Dr Google to identify the name of that other bloke, but that just proves what HiHo and Planey have always said about him, and in this case they were in the back of the 230, gossiping like Macron and Trudeau while eating macarons (or have I misquoted Reuters on this and should this read that "Trudeau was actually eating Macron's").

 

Turbo always wanted to emulate the flight of the Kookaburra too and we all can't wait for that, as ................

 

 

[turboplanner]

....the beer is on at the Raffles happy hour at 6 pm.

 

And so dear NES readers, just when Sir Charles Kingsford Smith and Hi Ho's uncle,  J.T. Pethybridge could have been rescued and sipping Gin Slings in Raffles four hours later, they were left to die a horrible death on that island by the heartless Captain. A British Survey Party found their bones just three months later. Scraped in the sand was the message "Get that bastard in the Jab 230", but Captain......

 

 

[Captain]

....the beer is on at the Raffles happy hour at 6 pm.

 

And so dear NES readers, just when Sir Charles Kingsford Smith and Hi Ho's uncle,  J.T. Pethybridge could have been rescued and sipping Gin Slings in Raffles four hours later, they were left to die a horrible death on that island by the heartless Captain. A British Survey Party found their bones just three months later. Scraped in the sand was the message "Get that bastard in the Jab 230", but Captain......

 

........... was sitting on Hayman with a bevy of Aussie hosties (avref), his mates Tink, Onesie and bull, with HiHo arranging the high jinx and with Planey holding the palm frond that was aimed at ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....a cockroach that had just come out of Captain's room, and was heading for......