The Never Ending Story

[bull]

the buffet,,,"fuck cried bull, they spend 60 million after the cyclone to fix this joint up and they don't even get the flick man in,as he squashed another of the rats distant relos..

 

 

[turboplanner]

The resort owner suggested Captain had brought it with him and the group were soon back in the Jab and switching to Hamilton, which had a much better lifestyle, certainly better than six packed into a Jab. As they sat down completing with the parrots to each their lunch, One Step said........"

 

 

[Captain]

.....a cockroach that had just come out of Captain's room, and was heading for......

 

..... bull's FNQ blue stubbies. Bull thought it to be a formal shindig.

 

"Wow" said Onesie "That's a big'n and could disappear right up bull's  ......

 

BUGGER, LOOKS LIKE SKIPPY HAS BEEN ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL AND 2 POSTS WENT THRU TO THE KEEPER.

 

 

[Captain]

The resort owner suggested Captain had brought it with him and the group were soon back in the Jab and switching to Hamilton, which had a much better lifestyle, certainly better than six packed into a Jab. As they sat down completing with the parrots to each their lunch, One Step said........"

 

..... "How the XXXX does one each one's lunch, or .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...or have a milk shakes with all these parrots around”

 

”I’ll show you” said Turbo and took the clear top off his milkshake cup, then leaning back pretending uninterest. A parrot flew down sat on the rim and leaned down to drink the milk. Instantly Turbo snapped the lid in and shook the cup rapidly a few times. The parrot stepped out groggily and then flew off, but the other parrots seeing the white bird raced away and the group had a parrot-free lunch, after which......

 

 

[Captain]

...or have a milk shakes with all these parrots around”

 

”I’ll show you” said Turbo and took the clear top off his milkshake cup, then leaning back pretending uninterest. A parrot flew down sat on the rim and leaned down to drink the milk. Instantly Turbo snapped the lid in and shook the cup rapidly a few times. The parrot stepped out groggily and then flew off, but the other parrots seeing the white bird raced away and the group had a parrot-free lunch, after which......

 

...... Turbo parroted on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on about those pedantic aviation issues for which he is sooooooo well known and which drive most Wreck Flyers to distraction.

 

Even new 16 year old stewed-ant pilots had been briefed during they Human Factors classes, to try not to get into an aviation debate with Tubb ................... and definitely do not sit on his knee if he tries on his Santa story.

 

But Onesie, bull, Planey, HidyHody and I are pleased to report that Wreck Flying and the NES (it's nearly impossible to get a slot to post on the NES these days, so numerous are the contributors) are going from strength to strength, Turbo or no Turbo, and with that, bull stood, drew himself (or herself) up to his (or her) full height and said "....................

 

 

[turboplanner]

".......Hang sh!t on Turbo and you hang it on me!" and the others, who readers might remember had just been through a harrowing experience with the person who'd left Sir Charles Kingsfor Smith to die echoed bull's sentiments and for a while it looked as if the Captain might be rubbed up and down a palm tree trunk to settle him down. But Turbo defused the situation by smiling and saying "I only wrote all that to give you the material which makes you look so good, and Captain invited everyone up to the bar where...........

 

 

[Captain]

".......Hang sh!t on Turbo and you hang it on me!" and the others, who readers might remember had just been through a harrowing experience with the person who'd left Sir Charles Kingsfor Smith to die echoed bull's sentiments and for a while it looked as if the Captain might be rubbed up and down a palm tree trunk to settle him down. But Turbo defused the situation by smiling and saying "I only wrote all that to give you the material which makes you look so good, and Captain invited everyone up to the bar where...........

 

.......... there was peace again in the world and joy to all men (and women), because the NES contributors had agreed to respect each other 100% of the time and only relate stories about puppies, kittens and Enid Blighton type stuff (but not refer to Onetrack as "Big Ears" any more).

 

Eeeeeen and Planey were relieved that all would be sweetness and light in the NES from here on (boring as batsxxt but all sweetness and light never the less).

 

So presents were given, low alcohol drinks were drunk (but never until drunk), Fly-Ins were planned and all members helped each other with oil changes, had discussions about which was the most effective brand of transponder, laughed until their tummies were sore about the potential for a weight increase, and general bon ami was the order of the day. (Jab and Rotax people even shook hands, so how is that for serious happiness?) They even had ginger beer with Sao's and Jatz on a platter with cheese, tomato & little bits of gurkin on them at a hangar party.

 

But this was all interrupted as reports came through of a US drone strike on Rotty which led to a lively but very cooperative discussion about what are the relevant Human Factors that should apply to a drone strike where the pilot has his feet on a desk in Boise Idaho and where ..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......the engines were made in China, and......

 

 

[Captain]

.......the engines were made in China, and......

 

..... this posed a humdrum conundrum.

 

"Yes Tubb" said Goattrack who had missed out over the weekend and was therefore aggressive "Don't be a drongo again. Do you mean the drone engines or the missile engines. How hard can it be to be precise with your posts?"

 

"Now, now" dear Onesie" said Captain, ever the peacemaker "Cut our best mate, and WF's finest contributor, some slack. You must be more patient & friendly, as when Turbo refers to "the engines" he of course means .......

 

 

[onetrack]

.....truck engines, as in Caterpillar truck engines. He still hasn't got around to the principles behind aero engines, and still fiddles at his computer, trying to downsize and lighten Caterpillar truck engines to turn them into aero engines, as they are just so reliable in the trucks. He reckons if he can translate that reliability, and long life, and service backup, into aero engines, there'll be no need to ever replace engines, you'd just replace the airframe, and keep the original engine".

 

"I can understand somewhat where he's coming from", said Onetrack. "As an old Cat man myself, I've often thought about modifying a bulldozer to turn it into an aircraft. Imagine the benefits! Virtually unbreakable, any drongo could drive it - if you hit another aircraft, you'd just smash the other aircraft to pieces, and keep going with only a few minor scratches. I don't understand why someone hasn't thought of this before?!".

 

"You're nuts!", exclaimed Cappy. "You pair have been smoking the drapes! I've never before heard such idiocy!"

 

"It's not as idiotic as overflying an island with two marooned aviators, and leaving them to die!", exclaimed Onetrack.

 

"Look", said Cappy, "We were running behind schedule and we were already overloaded. What's a man to do? You gotta make swift judgements in these crucial situations, or someone will die!".

 

"Yeah", said Onetrack, "We sure know about that, don't we?? Look at......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......The Spratlys Team; left on the island to rot. They're still over there eating gooney bird eggs and crawling on their bellies down to the water to catch crabs because the Chinese machine guns are able to deflect to grass height.

 

"Come on" said Turbo placatingly " We have to pull together, how about we organise a Fly In? No one could do it as badly as we've seen in recent years.

 

HiHo came to life: "I think................"

 

[The NES proudly annouces that OneTrack has been awarded a trophy for the most workable example of a potential Homebuilt Aircraft seen on this site in the past six months.]

 

 

[Captain]

....truck engines, as in Caterpillar truck engines. He still hasn't got around to the principles behind aero engines, and still fiddles at his computer, trying to downsize and lighten Caterpillar truck engines to turn them into aero engines, as they are just so reliable in the trucks. He reckons if he can translate that reliability, and long life, and service backup, into aero engines, there'll be no need to ever replace engines, you'd just replace the airframe, and keep the original engine".

 

........... and thus the 300 HP Jabacat C7490 was borne.

 

The original concept developed by Turbo Planning & Design Inc of Main St, Moorabistan had a couple of Weight and Balance issues when he simply stuck a C7 in the front of the Skipper's 230, but that was solved in typical thorough TinkyWink fashion by adding 4 more rows of seats, located well back, converting the 230 into something that looked and performed more like a Caravan (Millard not Cessna), but because of the Skippers proven flying skills (he had been declared to be an "Ace" [his first of many] during the Wars of the Roses), the Cappy filled the Jabcat with diesel, lifted the blade, called "Clear Torpedo" then we were off to the Friendliest of Fly-Ins after HiHo came to life and said: "I think ................"

 

THE FUTURE OF RECREATIONAL AVIATION

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

...but then he petered out again, his head on his chest. Captain wasn't going to wait; he jammed the throttle wide open and the twin sooters poured out black smoke, which brough tears to the eyes of hundreds of truckies who had showed up to watch. That characteristic roaring bellow of the 600 hp Cat was shaking the leaves of the trees but the aircraft wasn't moving. "The LEVERS!" yelled Turbo "You have to move the levers forward!" and as Captain threw the levers forward the aircraft slowly picked up speed, but not fast enough.  It hit the end of the the strip, tore into the grove of small trees until the blade started to slide along the trucks and lifted the aircraft into easier going conditions. At 70 kts it lifted off, the Cat engine singing...............

 

 

[Captain]

...but then he petered out again, his head on his chest. Captain wasn't going to wait; he jammed the throttle wide open and the twin sooters poured out black smoke, which brough tears to the eyes of hundreds of truckies who had showed up to watch. That characteristic roaring bellow of the 600 hp Cat was shaking the leaves of the trees but the aircraft wasn't moving. "The LEVERS!" yelled Turbo "You have to move the levers forward!" and as Captain threw the levers forward the aircraft slowly picked up speed, but not fast enough.  It hit the end of the the strip, tore into the grove of small trees until the blade started to slide along the trucks and lifted the aircraft into easier going conditions. At 70 kts it lifted off, the Cat engine singing...............

 

...... "HiHo, HiHo it's off to the Fly-In we go."

 

"I was never concerned about that long takeoff (avref) run and that's why I deliberately chose to go downwind."

 

"The diesel engine was a tad bulky but Turbo Planning & Design Inc of Main St, Moorabistan remained confident (Boeing and Lockheed have both been in touch seeking a sub-licence of the design) as TP&DI really, really, really know what they are talking about because .......................

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....they've proven this versatile design can get off the ground. TP&DI's Director of Marketing, Elon Rat explained:

 

"If a Council wants land cleared for a road, one of these machines can fly in and just do a low pass, and it's ready for the road base. We believe one of these can clear up to 600 Nautical Miles (that's a flying term fellas) a day."

 

One member of the press ensured he wouldn't be getting another invitation by asking: "What about when the road needs to go round a corner?"

 

Elon gave a nervous simle and said "Well the driver just pulls the corner lever."

 

It was about this time that Turbo looked across to bull and said "Did you fit those airbags to the undercarriage......................."

 

 

[Captain]

It was about this time that Turbo looked across to bull and said "Did you fit those airbags to the undercarriage......................."

 

..................... "Yes mate" replied bull "I used 4 of the ugliest Pan Am hosties that I could find, as those airbags are cheaper that the Takata ones that are fitted with a loaded BB shottie cartridges (the hosties were all DD's), so the aircraft was prepared for takeoff again. "Weeeeee" said one of the hosties "As I really do need one" while the Skipper called "Clear torpedo" and ........................ 

 

 

[turboplanner]

......dropped the aircraft over the fence with a monumental WHACK!

 

"Owwww" cried the hostesses, and when they recovered went straight after the Captain, with murder in their eyes.  "You X.........."

 

 

[onetrack]

.......you didn't tell us you were going to drop us like that!! "I drop babes left, right, and centre, every day of the week", said the Rat, showing his nasty side. "Why should you be any different?".

 

Just then, Onetrack rushed up and said, "I just heard a CASA inspector is after you for not reporting that hard landing!". "What hard landing?", said the Rat nonchalantly. "All my landings are like that! That was one of my best landings this month!".

 

Meantimes, Turbine was ruefully examining the Jab's engine mounts. It seemed he hadn't taken into account the torque of the Cat engine, and it had twisted the mounts by 45º, thus giving the Cat a new slant.

 

"We'll have to do some reinforcing", Turbine said. He said to bull - "Have you got any Chrome-Moly tubing in 2" diameter and 0.250" wall thickness, laying around? I'll make sure it doesn't get twisted up again!"

 

"Ahhh", said bull, "I don't think so - but you could probably use some of the scrap water pipe I scrounged from the last lot of plumbing repairs on the Bone Town Hall!".

 

"Not good enough", said Turbo with a frown, "This is high-tech engineering here, we can't utilise just anything that's laying around!"

 

"Why not?", said bull defensively, "Both The Rat and I, built our aircraft using that system! - and just look at what we ended up with!".

 

"Yes, that's the problem", said Turbine with a grimace, "We can't afford to......

 

And here we have Cappy doing an initial taxi test of bulls homebuilt......

 

 

Homebuilt.mp4

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

"..........have another incident where your aircraft lands on top of the Ugandan President and destroys the grandstand."

 

"Besides, you may have ntoiced that the grousers are cleatless, and I've calculated that provided we stay above 42 knots, we will be able to land on water, and we need the extra strength to cut through waves"

 

"What happens when you stop?" asked the Captain

 

Turbo responded "Well.........well..........."

 

 

[Captain]

"..........have another incident where your aircraft lands on top of the Ugandan President and destroys the grandstand."

 

"Besides, you may have ntoiced that the grousers are cleatless, and I've calculated that provided we stay above 42 knots, we will be able to land on water, and we need the extra strength to cut through waves"

 

"What happens when you stop?" asked the Captain

 

Turbo responded "Well.........well..........."

 

......... but was interrupted by TP&DI's Director of Marketing, Elongate Musk-stick who said "Shut up Tinker as we have to manage this carefully because we have some exposure to litigation after I chucked that ball at the aircraft's window and it broke."

 

"XXXX" responded T-bell as he could see the potential for his fortune to bugger off (for the 1st time since 1936, the Tinker had more cash than was owed on his Aussie Express Card) and he knew that he still had to pay Elongate for his marketing consulting. It was a rather sad state of affairs but not unusual for Tink, so he just thought for a while, and that's when he had the idea to manufacture Musk flavoured Body Butter. "I've always liked musk-sticks, I'll make a motza and it will be fun rubbing it on my good (sic) bits" Tinker thought, and ...........

 

WHO WANTS TO BE 1ST TO ALLOW TINKER APPLY HIS NEW PRODUCT?

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

......... but was interrupted by TP&DI's Director of Marketing, Elongate Musk-stick who said "Shut up Tinker as we have to manage this carefully because we have some exposure to litigation after I chucked that ball at the aircraft's window and it broke."

 

"XXXX" responded T-bell as he could see the potential for his fortune to bugger off (for the 1st time since 1936, the Tinker had more cash than was owed on his Aussie Express Card) and he knew that he still had to pay Elongate for his marketing consulting. It was a rather sad state of affairs but not unusual for Tink, so he just thought for a while, and that's when he had the idea to manufacture Musk flavoured Body Butter. "I've always liked musk-sticks, I'll make a motza and it will be fun rubbing it on my good (sic) bits" Tinker thought, and ...........

 

WHO WANTS TO BE 1ST TO ALLOW TINKER APPLY HIS NEW PRODUCT?

 

 

I'll have 10 cartons!

 

 

[Captain]

I'll have 10 cartons!

 

................. and up went the hands, not least of which was ..............

 

 

[Captain]

But ................. as usual and typically, the Tinkler went waaaaayyyyyy too far, to the extent that ...............

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....he ran out of his 10 cartons of 50 cups of body butter after one night.

 

"I had them in the back of the Ute at the Deni Muster" he said "and all I did was suggest to one check that I'd rub a small amount behind each ear."

 

"She went overboard then jumped up on the stage" and now four days later I can hardly walk, and I'm married to 37 women, and......"