The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

GOATTRACK MODELLING HIS NEW LINE OF PALESTINIAN TUNNELING GEAR

 

 

AND HIS NEW LINE OF OPTIMISTIC NON-DROWNING TUNNELLING CLOTHES.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

Meanwhilst, HiHo slanderer and Onesie saw where the money shot was and ………………

 

....went to see Elon Musk, because they knew he could outbid Gina any time of the day, despite Gina claiming to own all the iron ore mines in Australia, and regularly claiming her Dad started all of them.

 

Elon jumped around in excitement. "This is just the project I've needed, ever since that Pommy pedo in Thailand stuffed up my last deep-cave-diving technological advances!! I can now use that sub I invented, and show them all up!"

 

"Hang on, said Onetrack, "Don't jump the gun here - along the route, there's a missing aircraft we can also dig up, that will make us so much money, we'll make the Saudis look like the homeless people of Melbourne!"

 

"Can you imagine the result when we find it, and pull it up and show everyone that Boeing was at fault all along!! We can buy Airbus shares before we do that, and cream it in when they go ballistic, because no-one will want to fly Boeing any more, what with the MH370 disaster added to the 737MAX debacle! The pax will all be yelling, 'If it's Boeing, I'm not going!!', every time a flight is arranged!!"

 

Hi-Ho scratched his chin. "I reckon we must be able to convert a HR Holden into a tunnel-borer somehow - particularly now that Holden is virtually stuffed, and they've stopped making Commonwhores. The HR will be a winner, now everyone knows, it's just a matter of time before Holden pull right out of Australia, and we wave them adieu at the port!"

 

"The HR has some inherent problems", said Turbo thoughtfully. "For a start, the design was done by American designers, after the Australian-designed HD was a flop! So that could be a sticking point. However......

 

 

[Captain]

Hi-Ho scratched his chin. "I reckon we must be able to convert a HR Holden into a tunnel-borer somehow - particularly now that Holden is virtually stuffed, and they've stopped making Commonwhores. The HR will be a winner, now everyone knows, it's just a matter of time before Holden pull right out of Australia, and we wave them adieu at the port!"

 

"The HR has some inherent problems", said Turbo thoughtfully. "For a start, the design was done by American designers, after the Australian-designed HD was a flop! So that could be a sticking point. However......

 

………. we can bring a bucketload of RSA assembled Commodores, or whatever they are called in Aaafrikorns or Swahili and they'll sell like snags off a brei." expounded Turps.

 

The Muskstick rubbed his hands together "With a toll of $US 5,500 per vehicle and 400 Tesla charging stations equally spaced along the way, I'll make a …………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

"........loss of only 40 billion US this time" and he called a press conference to announce that he would include a tunnel from Melbourne to Tullamarine Airport as a sweetener to Dan.  Dan smile and that triggered 11 IBAC investigators to surround him with serious looking faces.  "I make no apology for declining this offer" said Dan with just the slightest bead of perspiration showing.

 

"Well, I'll guarantee to finish the tunnel in six weeks of it's free" said Elon.

 

And that NES readers is how Turbo obtained fast rail access to the WA mines, which is what Turbo had wanted all along.

 

"Why are you having this press conference in Melbourne?" asked the Premier of WA, but it was too late. The next step was how to spin out production longer than six weeks, so Turbo phone his friend John Sitdown.............................

 

 

[Captain]

........... who organised a cadre of pacific islander builder's labourers (another tautology) who would work like crazy to slow the project down.

 

The Muskstick turned grey with rage and became a slate pencil for 3 hours, until he realised that ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

............these people always responded to a party so he mashed up, with his bare feet, a huge batch of Kava, slaughtered six fat pigs [ordered 200 fake meat packs from Coles - your pick], flew four Hula dancers in from Honolulu, and the party began. The first thing he noticed was that they all showed up meticulously at the start time, and....

 

 

[Captain]

............these people always responded to a party so he mashed up, with his bare feet, a huge batch of Kava, slaughtered six fat pigs [ordered 200 fake meat packs from Coles - your pick], flew four Hula dancers in from Honolulu, and the party began. The first thing he noticed was that they all showed up meticulously at the start time, and....

 

....... told anti Caucasian jokes, like ............... If an Australian and an American fell off the Sydney harbour bridge, which one would hit the water first, eh bro?

 

Answer ................... Who cares.

 

And then they all went to the pub at 3 to pick a fight with some other Cauc, eh cuz.

 

But the Musky one didn't care as all he wanted in the short term was for the windows not to be broken and the Tesla production line to pick up by a measly 150%, so he turned to bull, at great expense, to ..........

 

[iT WAS VERY NOTICEABLE TO HUNDREDS OF NES'ERS THAT TURDY HAD ACHIEVED MASSIVE CROSS-CULTURAL FERTILIZATION IN HIS ABOVE POST, PLUS HAD ACHIEVED A NEW STANDARD WITH HIS OPTIONAL STORYLINE TECHNIQUE THAT HAD NEVER BEFORE BEEN SEEN HERE OR IN HOLLYWOOD, BY INCLUDING THOSE BEAUTIFUL YET POIGNANT WORDS "YOUR PIC", TINKY HAD REVOLUTIONIZED MODERN LITERATURE IN A MANNER (& APPEARANCE) REMINISCENT OF COLLEEN MCCULLOUGH .............. MOD]

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........say  "bull, I want you to run this rail tunnel project" and this was his big mistake because bull's first action was to tear up the plans for the Perth - Rottnest and Rottnest - South Africa links and start driving north, from where the tunnel borers were in Melbourne, via the Tullamarine Airport, to Wagga Wagga, Gold Coast, Sydney, Brisbane and to bone itself, Mangoe capital of Australia, vegetable capital of Australia and home of bull's soon to be staged National Air Show of Australia (NAA).

 

At his press conference he explained: "that covers the population of australia, all holiday destinations and allows bone to make a buck feeding them"

 

The Rottnest Is Chamber of Commerce were horrified and met at......

 

 

[Captain]

....... the Rotty Mosque and Kebab Emporium where the local Imam had a quoka by the ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....hind legs ready for the chop.

 

President of the Chamber,  OneStopShop said "We have to stop Musk, we've managed to slow his car production down to the point where he's building less T3's than Goggomobile, and we've ensured he doesn't launch rockets like he used to, and we've managed to shorten battery life in South Australia's Big Battery from 14 minutes to3.5 seconds by linking it to slot machines, but how do you stop a tunnel borer?"...

 

 

[Captain]

....hind legs ready for the chop.

 

President of the Chamber,  OneStopShop said "We have to stop Musk, we've managed to slow his car production down to the point where he's building less T3's than Goggomobile, and we've ensured he doesn't launch rockets like he used to, and we've managed to shorten battery life in South Australia's Big Battery from 14 minutes to3.5 seconds by linking it to slot machines, but how do you stop a tunnel borer?"...

 

.... "And that's what the Quoka quota is for" proffered Goattrack, ever keen to impress. "Cuck enough quokas in there, mate, and the tunnel borer will be qucked."

 

Just then Brian bin Salman bin Naughty came in with his new line of pork kebabs which were a ........

 

 

[hihosland]

great hit with the quokas who little knew that the treat was their last meal of the condemned before being hurled into the ever munching jaws of the dying boring boring machine. When the resulting slurry of quoka mince streamed out the back of the machine Captain ran for the barf bag while Musker's on-site representative.......  

 

 

[Captain]

great hit with the quokas who little knew that the treat was their last meal of the condemned before being hurled into the ever munching jaws of the dying boring boring machine. When the resulting slurry of quoka mince streamed out the back of the machine Captain ran for the barf bag while Musker's on-site representative.......  

 

……….. Arse-armour Bedlinnen, tried to steady the crowd, as the Bedlinnen family had provided seed capital for the Pork Kabab conceptual studies and had subsequently invested heaviliy.

 

"Our focus group research said that they would be a hit and that's why we invested in the mega-piggery and goatery located on land that we leased  over near Onesie's joint." Arsearmour said in his interview on ABC Business.

 

"Did you realise that the focus group was supplied by the 7th Night Inventors church and they all love to get some port on their fork? And do you believe in Climate Change? Plus, isn't that Swedish lassie a little cutie" asked the ABC interviewer.

 

 

"Oh crap" responded Bedlinnen "I thought they were the 7th Afternoon Moozies and they were the ones that our goatery was going to supply to (for meat, not that other thing). But no worries, we'll just steam the halal certification badge off the outside (like they do with out-of-date oysters) and we'll substitute a St George cross and sell them to the Gxd Botherer Funnymentalists, who have all got heaps of knippers and like to pork."

 

So the Business Plan was changed, a secret percentage of minced quoka was added to the recipe, the porkers were able to relax, the goats propagated (with themselves this time) while the quoka population went ………………...

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........nuts on poppy seed and bred like rabbits.

 

At the next meeting Turbo was successful at convincing the others to stick with the Rotty route on the grounds of low cost meals for the thousands of tunnel workers.

 

The Captain in his best Colonel Blimp mode blasted everyone for delaying the project and insisted that the tunnel borers be coupled for faster tunnelling. He knew a thing about trains having been a Board Member of the now-defunct Bombay and Mysore Railway Company Limited.

 

That had to be fixed because two hours into the tunnelling, the rear Borer had  shaved the front one to thickness of a piece of tin and......

 

 

[Captain]

[YOUR BELOVED CAPTAIN HAS SUBMITTED A STAT DEC (& NOT A STACKED DECK AS TINKY HAS ALLEGED) TO STATE THAT HIS TIME WITH THE B&MRCL WAS ALL ABOVE BOARD AND HE DENIES ALL OF THE SUBSEQUENT ALLEGATIONS ........ SO WILL ALL WRECK FLYERS PLEASE DESIST FROM ALL RELATED SPECULATION] ..... THE COMPLETE WF MODERATIONAL PANEL.

 

 

[Captain]

......... That had to be fixed because two hours into the tunnelling, the rear Borer had  shaved the front one to thickness of a piece of tin and......

 

...... that's a bit of an issue when you are still under Ricey Beach with 4000 kms to run.

 

"No it's not " insisted Turgid, ever the considered optimist, but Bedlinnen was furious with a capital F and ..........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...... took charge of the remaining Tunnel Borer.  "Now how do you start this XXXXXX?" he asked, and there was a swirl of linen as fifteen people gave fifteen different versions.

 

After a day they had found it was driven by electricity and had simply run out of cord.

 

A few days later, by the Captain's reckoning, they were approaching Durban, RSA, and a decision had to be made............................................

 

 

 

[Captain]

..... about what lingo would be spoken when they broke out into the light and where all the passports were stored.

 

"Of crxp" said Turbs "Did any of you blokes & blokettes remember to bring your passports? "

 

The silence was ......

 

 

[onetrack]

....palpable as the realisation struck home that they wouldn't be able to enter RSA without them. "Not to worry", said Onetrack with a grin. "Don't you remember that poster that came onto WreckFline a few weeks back, offering superb forged passports, perfect-quality forged currencies, impeccable forged ID's, along with a dozen other forged products, all equally useful. I got in touch with him, and got us a heap of fake passports made, 1000's of fake R100 Mandela banknotes, and I even got a few fake engineering degrees with honours attached for us, just to smooth the way into RSA".

 

"That's brilliant!", said the Nice Rat. "That means I can save my brown paper bags of bribe money for when the Prez and the Cabinet of RSA visits us!"

 

"Now", said Turbine, "It's important we blend in once we surface, so we need to practise our Saffie accents. If any one of us slips up, and is identified as an Aussie, we could be thrown into a cricket team, and have the cXXp beaten out of us! - again!"

 

"Not a hope!", said bull, who was wide awake by now, "All we need to do, is.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......where a word is pronounced with an “ar” in it change it to “or” as in “I corn’t, where there’s an “I” change it to “e” so sit becomes set and so on.

 

They broke through 6 kilometres south of  Durban. bull elected to go out first with his new accent. It worked and...

 

 

[onetrack]

....bull made his way through the crowd, shaking hands and saying "Good dey!" to all - until he ran into a group of Boers who called out, "Goeie dag!" This absolutely threw bull, who tried to reply with a fake Afrikaaner accent, but the Boers started to get suspicious.

 

Next thing, bull was confronted with a big group of Zulus, waving Assagais, holding shields and yelling in Shona, "Dzoka, vatorwa!". 

 

This greeting floored bull, as he became confused as to whether the Zulus were being friendly, or if they were threatening to run him through with assagais.

 

He thought he'd take an aggressive stance to combat their apparently aggressive approach. "Git buck, Kaffirs!!", yelled bull, after learning the term by watching Breaker Morant.

 

But bulls yell only antagonised the Zulus, and they moved forward with a roar, that would frighten even the toughest AWB Commander.

 

Captain rushed up and grabbed bull by the shirtsleeve, and dragged him back to the tunnel. Cappy said to bull, "You darned fool! You'll get us all.......

 

 

[Captain]

...... dealt with under rule 303" he said as bull went into full character as Breaker bull (or Breakable for short).

 

The Palestinians ducked out of the tunnel and immediately claimed an area for their homeland, looking to cut off any ringlets that they could find.

 

Turbo's fake passport said that his name was Ivor bin Silly and he rose to the occasion by ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......walking up to the Zulu Chief, holding out his hand and saying I’m Silly!.

 

The Zulu Chief, Lamenza  was Oxford educated, and started to laugh but Turbo gave him a good hard kick in the nuts, which quietened him down. “Remember Rorke’s Drift?”

 

”I certainly do” winced Lamenza 105 British soldiers defeated 5,000 Zulu”

 

”Well my Grandfather was Rorke Turbine” said Turbo “Now here’s the deal; we want to sell our iron ore to South African and neighboring countries and deliver millions of tonnes through this rail tunnel and your share is 1%” 

 

“When do we start?” Asked the Chief.

 

They were now ready, for.....

 

 

[bull]

 the new iron ore flying blimp transport airships being designed by the best draftsman and minds among all the rec/flying experts, a collaboration of ……………     [ps aviation flavour was sadly lacking lately in the NES so ,all you experts chime in some ideas about future heavy transport..]

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....experts who at the drop of a hat could re-invent the wheel, leap to conclusions, assume any position, lean to the left; Australia's Own Experts.

 

bull was quite right, the NES authors had been remiss in allowing a long period without an aviation reference, short by the standards of the average WF post, but not up to the high standards the authors strive for, and bull's use of the word blimp was a welcome end to the gap.

 

The rail track was laid, the ore trains rolled into Durban, but the authors had been scratching their heads to survey a rail route over the impassable country between Durban and the Mines.

 

They'd called in pilot (av ref) Fanie, and he'd said "Et's not just the terrain; you could be walking along surveying and be shot in the orse by a Xhosa, and if you stop at red lights a Zulu is likely to smash your windows and steal your wife."

 

So, taking the lead from bull, they formed the OneWing Hi Ho Capped bull Turbine I-Bolt Dirigible Hydrogen Aeroplane Exploration and Transportation Environmental Green Global Cooling Gender Neutral Vegan Corporation, or OWHHCbTIBDHAETEGGCGNVC.

 

Thety decided to build the dirigibles in South Africa, because when you have to build a balloon which will carry  2000 tonnes of ore, you needed a big factory, and the Zulu had agreed to sell the land to the Company, and build the factory with cheap Xhosa labour.

 

The airframe would be designed and built by BEX CHINA INC. and would be powered by eight  4,000 horsepower CAT C175-20 engines.

 

Caterpillar C175-20 specification

 

Power: 4,000 horsepower

 

Torque: 16,474 lbs/ft

 

Capacity: 105.8 litres

 

Aspiration: 4 turbos  (not real Turbos)

 

Cylinders: 20

 

Normally used to power 400 ton mining trucks, so parts regularly available at mine sites

 

"Why are we using hydrogen?" asked HiHo "don't you know it's dangerous"

 

"It is" said Turbo, but everyone will be wearing fluoro, and there'll be no smoking signs, and this one will have lightning deflectors, and you could be run over by a bus on the way to the airport, although .........

 

avref          avref