The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

He walked ....

 

...... upright with difficulty but with his head held high, because he and bull knew what Tinker & Onesie did not, and that was that those rebellious young bucks,  Planey & Hiho, had arranged a threesome with .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......so looks like the Plastic Surgeon and a new set of teeth for me. If only.........

 

[Careful NES readers will note two things from the recent posts, firstly that he now frequently adopts the position of voice-over, a kind of aviating David Attenborough, to bend the story to his liking, and secondly his uncanny ESP to know that Turbo was going to do the put down, but just squeak in ahead of him to blunt the harsh truth. One should never underestimate the Captain]

 

 

[Captain]

.......so looks like the Plastic Surgeon and a new set of teeth for me. If only.........

 

……. I could find true love, as Posting on the NES just doesn't quite get me there, even though I can sometimes achieve multiple posts, but ever the bashful community person Cappy said "Enough of me" and all the hundreds of NESers said "Here here" before they …………..

 

(Turbo's last post is a little discombobulated and is without a smooth transition from the previous poster's excellent effort, but you have to humour him, eh? said bull).

 

 

[hihosland]

all rush off to fill themselves on Sky Blue or Scare Blu Christmas fare loaded with so much duck fat that Cap had to excuse himself even more frequently than usual. It was said that Brigitte loved Cappys mind even more than his body , however with the body in its current manifestation the mind did seem a trifle more...........

 

 

[Captain]

all rush off to fill themselves on Sky Blue or Scare Blu Christmas fare loaded with so much duck fat that Cap had to excuse himself even more frequently than usual. It was said that Brigitte loved Cappys mind even more than his body , however with the body in its current manifestation the mind did seem a trifle more...........

 

… attractive, although the poor bloke was often heard to say "The older I get the faster I was" about his racing (and shhhhhhhh, but let me quietly assure you that Turbid is the same when somebody mentions Speedway).

 

"Did somebody mention Speedway" he often says to the nurse as he lifts his chin off his chest & his eyes start to shine again. …….. "Ahhhhhh …….. those were the days, so sit on my knee dear Nursey and let Turgid tell you a tale about brave men, frightened goats, satisfied women, unfulfilled dreams and ……………….

 

TURBO ON ONE OF HIS BETTER NIGHTS.

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

“.......my side-kick Little Cappy. LC was a key part of my pit crew, in charge of the tyres because they were all he could inflate. After the race meeting we’d go out and celebrate with the groupies, and I’d have to quietly warn his choice she’d have to fake it. Poor LC never knew the difference, and...........

 

 

[onetrack]

....this led to Little Cappy getting nicknamed Little Happy - because he thought he could satisfy any groupie with ease, and he wore a Chesire Cat grin permanently as a result.

 

However, one night, he scored a groupie named Mandy - mostly because she homed in on him like a cruise missile, right after the last race. The problem was Mandy was what is generally known "in the trade" as a BBW.

 

Well, she maybe wasn't quite so beautiful (being known as a 'two-bagger' - one for her head, and one for yours, in case hers comes off) - but BIG she was.

 

She grabbed Little Cappy and squeezed him so hard he could hardly breathe. But the worst was yet to come. That was when she pushed him back, and laid on top of him!

 

Little Cappy started gasping for breath, feeling his life force being squeezed out of him. Mandy mistook the sounds he was making, for the sounds of a man in the throes of sexual ecstasy.

 

She started panting too, becoming excited at how easily this young man could be aroused. But all Little Cappy could do was gasp, "Turbs!! Help! Help! Help!!"

 

But Turbs was nowhere to be seen, he had business to attend to with the racing committee, and they had.......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........to deal with the frightful misdemeanour of Cappy having dual tyres on his car.  He knew there was ony one way to fix it; "GUILTY!" he yelled, the meeting closed and Turbo raced to his friend's side and jerked Mandy off him.

 

Mandy now turned her attention to Turbo, and threw her weight................

 

 

[Captain]

..... behind him as the HQ ute that was normally used to start the Sprint Cars had done an axle.

 

"Mandy is a lovely girl, just a little misunderstood by those in WA, but she's ideal for correcting W&B in my Cat powered Ultraheavy (numerousavrefs)." said Turbo after the Offy had sprung to life and he was ready for the race.

 

This led to a period of melancholy for Turpid when he thought about ........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...........the time he could have driven in the Indianapolis 500 for a cost of $60,000 and he could only raise $59,000.

 

He had to have a drive one more time, so he and Mandy rolled the Sprint Car out onto the track. He felt the heavy weight of the Simpson harness and reminded himself he needed to get a new one; they had to be replaced every two years, and Turbo was upside down a lot more than rightside up.

 

He tore off a tear off and the track came into view;  put it into gear, held in the dog clutch and yelled to Mandy to push.

 

When she got up to a trot he let the clutch out, the rear wheels locked up for a while then slowly rotated and there was a bang louder than a shotgun as the excess fuel ignited.

 

This was normal and no problem when being pushed by the HQ, but Mandy was stuffed.

 

Turbo managed to talk her into one more go, and this time the 400 cubic inch small block V8 sprang into life and the car took off, and Mandy fell flat on her overalls on the wet clay track.

 

Turbo rolled slowly round the track, letting the engine warm up with that RUMPA, RUMPA, RUMPA sound. When the oil temperature hit 115 C, the car was ready to go, and the ear shattering sound when he flattened the throttle did exactly that; he'd forgotten his ear plugs.

 

He reached Turn 1 way too soon, because his mind was back on Mandy on her face at the start/finish line, but a quick blip on the throttle and the car flicked around, steady open throttle and it came out of the corner sitting on the rear right tyre, the others just along for the ride as the 1000 horsepower kicked in. Turbo breathed the beautiful Mentanol fumes, then coughed, forgot to look up and......................

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

Turbo breathed the beautiful Mentanol fumes, then coughed, forgot to look up and......................

 

...... Tink was on his ear again. "Geeez I'm getting sick of being upside down (aerobaticref)".

 

For, as dear readers can surely detect, Turgid has gone all melancholy and wistfully (and perhaps even wristful ..... not that there's anything wrong with that) as he remembered those good old days when he could sit in a chair without groaning, or when he could ........

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........pull the cord on the old Seagull to go fishing, or...........

 

 

[Captain]

CAPPY IS EMBARRASSED TO SEE THAT WHILE HE MENTIONED OFFENHAUSER POWER, TINK IS FROM 1 OR 2 GENERATIONS LATER FROM THE DAYS OF MAX DUMESNEY .& STEVEN GALL. WHAT A FAUX PAS.

 

 

[turboplanner]

CAPPY IS EMBARRASSED TO SEE THAT WHILE HE MENTIONED OFFENHAUSER POWER, TINK IS FROM 1 OR 2 GENERATIONS LATER FROM THE DAYS OF MAX DUMESNEY .& STEVEN GALL. WHAT A FAUX PAS.

 

Tink in not offended in the least, and defers to the much older Cappy.

 

Prio to the small block V8s, Speedway, including the Indy 500 was dominated by Offenhauser engines from the 1930s, which were built specifically for racing.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=videoseries

 

 

 

[Captain]

.........pull the cord on the old Seagull to go fishing, or...........

 

.... just experience the delights of recreational aviation, the finest way that a physical wreck (like some who contribute to the NES [but not Turdy or the Skipper of course]) can relax yet take calculated risks which can be a pain to arthritic backs during summer due to the thermals, but which ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....will allow them to get the same view of a beach as they would if they stood in the back of a ute, and.......

 

 

[Captain]

.....will allow them to get the same view of a beach as they would if they stood in the back of a ute, but .......

 

...... then again, nothing beats a high speed low pass down a beach in a Drifter S, being pushed back into the seat as the engine howls and the prop claws for traction (like an FA18 with rag wings) where the wake turbulence will surely ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

......knock over a seagull or two, and then pulling up into a wingover, or even a loop to have a look at the local scenery before........

 

 

[Captain]

......knock over a seagull or two, and then pulling up into a wingover, or even a loop to have a look at the local scenery before........

 

....... as Turbo always expresses it "recoverying from another bloody wing stall and spin" (plethora of avrefs).

 

But the crowd on the beach were rapturous with applause, so good was the spin that they assume it was Matt "Turbo" Hall at the controls, because in true Turbohall fashion he recovered from the spin 300 ft AGL and flew (avref) half a knot below the 200 knot limit (Turbs' throttle control is legendary) thru the goalposts at the showground at legal attitude and height to be accepted into next year's redbull air races (if'n there were such a series in 2020), but as a reinforcement of his skills, an email soon arrived from the Blue Angels asking Squadron Leader TinkyWink to .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......come to Jacksonville, Florida, which was a nuisance because Turbo had started offering backpackers rides in the Drifter for the modest fee of $50.00 which covered a beach beat up, a wingover or loop and some sightseeing, which was a handy little earner to pay for his daily lunches at the R.

 

He reluctantly went to Jacksonville, where the Flight Leader strapped him into a Hornet. "I think I should come with you for the first flight" he said.

 

Turbo responded "You asked for me; I didn't ask to come here" so with that settled the Flight Leader started to close the canopy when Turbo asked "How do you start this thing?" The Flight Leader hesitated, but then thought "XXXX him", and Turbo was off and taxying down the runway.

 

His big mistake was when he took off, and........

 

 

[Captain]

His big mistake was when he took off, and........

 

........, specifically against the gospel according to Human Factors, he armed the .....

 

IT MUST BE RECORDED HERE THAT AS A RESULT OF THE SPIN MENTIONED IN POST 11469, MATT ASKED FOR AND RECEIVED TURBO'S AUTOGRAPH.

 

TURBO, WHO IS A QUIET AND UNDERSTATED SORT OF A CHAP, NOT GIVEN TO PUBLIC UTTERANCES OR DISPLAY OF ANY TYPE, WAS UNHAPPY ABOUT THIS BUT GAVE IN AS MATT SEEMS TO BE A NICE STYLE OF A KIDDIE.

 

 

[turboplanner]

...........aircraft and set up for a Maverick AGM-65F attack on downtown Jacksonville., in particular "Errol's feed and Grain Store, so he could see what happenened when you blew up 60 tonnes of bagged chick peas. Errol was going to be p!ssed off, but the weapon was so accurate that no one would be harmed, and Errol himself would probably get a kick out of seeing it, and the Navy would pick up the bill anyway.

 

Turbo selected the Ship attack option; there's a short video below  for other Drifter Pilots showing you how to do this and other Sh!t that we do.

 

This is a Carrier aircraft, and you'll notice some peeled paint off the instrument panel. This is from pilots who didn't pull their harnesses tight enough before they hit the arrestor cable, and...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

.... it heralded the release & popularity of the Full Glass Cockpit Drifter SFGPQ (which is also rated for the FNTPLQ community).

 

With Drifter sales about to go exponentially thru the roof (or ETTR as the aviation & twitter community like to say), Eeeen and Uniroot formed an incorporated Joint Venture) bought out the Drifter factory, transferred production & staff to Southern Cross (which is as similar to Chenxianmin as you can get) and they .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......began production to the howls of local dingoes and large rabbits. At first production was slow, but.......

 

 

[Captain]

.......began production to the howls of local dingoes and large rabbits. At first production was slow, but.......

 

..... then it got slower.

 

"Call the Muskstick, as he knows this issue" commanded Onesie to Eeeen (who was unused to receiving instructions).

 

"Up yours Onesie" responded Eeeen in a fit of pique "And please wear undies when at work, or at ........