The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

........at least tuck in your shirt, the plumbers crack is absolutely driving everyone to distraction!"

 

But the problems were solved, when they brought in a local tribe, and told them there'd be free cask wine and a new Toyota Landcruiser for each one of them, as a bonus, once production reached 50 a week.

 

At that news, the production of Drifters absolutely exploded, they had to build a bigger carpark than Boeings in Seattle, to store them. They started to look like fields of parked 737MAX's.

 

Meantimes, there were a few problems starting to appear in the production models. It was found there were numerous components missing on finished aircraft - particularly control columns.

 

After some inquiries and research, it was found the control columns were being removed and used as nulla-nullas, to settle the regular domestic disputes, and tribal inter-rivalry, aggravated by cask wine.

 

It was determined that a fix had to be found. The RAA was consulted and the RAA deferred the questions to a committee, that decided to send out a member survey to see if anyone had any answers to the vexing problem.

 

After all, trying to sell a Drifter without a control column - let alone trying to fly one - was difficult, to say the least.

 

The RAA committee had to wait 6 weeks for all the forms to be returned, and when they were, the committee were appalled to find that.......

 

 

[Captain]

........at least tuck in your shirt, the plumbers crack is absolutely driving everyone to distraction ......

 

....... "But" said the ever practical & commercially astute Onesie "That is where the new customers swipe their credit cards to make their payments. It's not called a plumber's crack any more".

 

"Erky perky" said planey & tried to shut the NES down for being unAustralian, which only .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

......inspired more activity, including Turbo, who'd had a chip inserted in his wrist so he didn't need pockets.

 

He was shocked at this unforseen twist. "I'm not hiring any more plumbers" he said, and I'm certainly not going around slapping anyone else on the XXXX with my wrist. From now on it's machines only for me, although I can see some advantantages when I go out for a coffee, and ........."

 

 

[Captain]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL NES'ERS AND TO OUR THOUSANDS OF READERS & FANS WORLDWIDE. MAY PEACE BE UPON YOU ......... THE MODERATION TEAM.

 

AND OUR THOUGHTS ARE PARTICULARLY WITH THOSE FIFO MEMBERS THAT ARE ON THE FRONT LINE IN THE 2019 XOSA/PALESTINIAN CONFLICT.

 

 

[Captain]

......inspired more activity, including Turbo, who'd had a chip inserted in his wrist so he didn't need pockets.

 

He was shocked at this unforseen twist. "I'm not hiring any more plumbers" he said, and I'm certainly not going around slapping anyone else on the XXXX with my wrist. From now on it's machines only for me, although I can see some advantantages when I go out for a coffee, and ........."

 

...... everyone comments about the chip in my wrist, and how that positioning is so much more convenient than it being on my shoulder, where it has been for the past 50 years.

 

Constable, now Chief Inspector, Doubtfire made another NES appearance at the Moorabistan Central Crime Command and gathered all the Dicks around for a meeting, where she said "Turbo has admitted in writing to slapping people of both the male & female persuasion on the XXXX ......... and as some of you would already know, that is particularly incriminating as males don't have a XXXX, so I'm proposing that we .......

 

 

[Captain]

OUR THOUGHTS ARE ALSO WITH THOSE MODERATORS THAT EEEEN HAS FORCED TO WORK ON XMAS DAY, TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR AND MODERATE THOSE QUESTIONABLE POSTS WHERE ONESIE CROSSES THE LINE, AND WHO ALSO HAVE TO BE ON DUTY TO WRITE NOTES ABOUT THE MODERATOR'S THOUGHTS BEING WITH THE MODERATORS THAT ARE ON DUTY ........ THE DUTY MODERATOR.

 

WE ALSO AT THIS TIME THINK ABOUT THOSE LASSIES & LADS THAT ARE ON DUTY ROSTERED ON WITH TURBO TO DRIVE THE ORE TRAINS FROM RSA TO WA. CAN YOU THINK OF ANY WORSE SHIFTS THAN BEING STUCK IN A 4000 KM LONG TUNNEL, WITHOUT VENTILATION PIPES, WHEN TURBO HAS AN ATTACK OF HIS WORLD FAMOUS FLATULENCE. "SUPA DUPA ERKY PERKY" VOLUNTEERED PLANEY.

 

 

[turboplanner]

........go out and arrest him."

 

"We'll need at least five!"said Chief Inspector Doubtfire, who'd tried to arrest him before. He'd outrun three and the fourth had tripped over and torn her trousers.

 

This time they cornered him though, down by the Victory Memorial Gardens.

 

In a stroke of bad luck for the Chief Inspector the four Constables were all former dancers at the BoB, and they managed to work Doubtfire around until she had her back to the fountain, then Turbo lunged backwards into the fountain.

 

Turbo streaked for the Corvette, hit the starter and was across the State line in a few minutes.

 

Chief Inspector Doubtfire...........

 

[Captain]

Turbo streaked for the Corvette, hit the starter and was across the State line in a few minutes.

 

Chief Inspector Doubtfire...........

 

..... was heard to observe "This Turbo XXXXX is either a Moran or a Kelly (albeit apparently rocket propelled, so please all wear appropriate PPT), therefore bugger the Christmas spirit, I'm issuing a kill order and there's a meat tray in it for anyone who can ......

 

 

[Captain]

PS ..... TO OUR EXTENSIVE INTERNATIONAL AUDIENCE ............... NO .............. IT IS NOT A SAD INDICTMENT ON THEIR PERSONALITIES THAT THE AWESOME TURBINEPLUMMETER AND THE BELOVED CAPTAIN ARE SUBMITTING POSTS TO THE NES ON XMAS DAY. NOT SAD AT ALL.

 

 

[hihosland]

a very Merry Christmas to all NESers some of whom are nesters, and most of whom are extremely ambivalent about conveyor belts, avref or no.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Catch him and detain him until the SWAT team can get there in their new Getz SWAT car. There was some sniggering in the ranks, Chief Inspectr Doubtfire wasn't the most popular officer in the force and they took great delight in the way Turbo could get her running in circles.

 

Turbo was now in the Pot 'n' Kettle Coffee House waiting for Loxie, the Corvette was safely parked out of sight  behind the shop, and the muffled sounds of multiple sirens could be heard in the background. Turbo was looking forward to Loxie's version of the NSW fires which would be very different from the carefully stage managed Television reports, and would include........

 

 

[Captain]

....... proof that Daniel's long running stoush with the CFS had resulted in the Mextorians hiring Turbo & the Morans to nick as much of the Cockroach's gear as they could and replacing it with broken down crap with Mextoria crossed out and NSW painted on in limewash.

 

But Ah-well was astute (and was a lot of other things as well) and was onto them. Daniel, who was a close mate and ally of She Gin Ping, thought ........

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....it might help the CFA so he went along with it, but the truth was much closer to home. The Fairies had been losing their own equipment. For example, on a recent trip to northern NSW to relieve exhausted comrades, someone had forgotten where they’d left the hoses. Training was off too. After driving all the way back to Wagga they finally got back to the fire front, turned the pump on and realised someone (Lovett’s) had forgotten to bring the water. After another trip back to Wagga they were sent to a Number 2 fire and all they had left were Number 3 nozzles, so they blamed Victoria, where....

 

 

[Captain]

....... blame can so readily be apportioned by those living nth of the Murray. "Batman was a bit of a dick" said bull "And they have continued on in that tradition."

 

But then the NES and the aviation community came alive when our beloved AhRoxOff received the call we all long for.

 

"Can you fly a 737?" they asked.

 

"Too right, FMD and can I what" said Ahlow who never swore. "I've got 5 hours in my SportStar and they are a similar type."

 

The 737 operator was desperate, and after all, they were both just recycled coke cans, plus he had heard about how similar the SportStar was and all AhLow needed was a 10 minute refresher on the simpler cockpit of the 737, a signature on his licence, a quick Human Factors 737 endorsement (the 737 version of Don't try to get home if the weather is crappy) then he was away. "Clear prop" he yelled enthusiastically and did a Toyota jump, but ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

......we all know that a 737 doesn’t have a prop, but it sounded good. He found a mic and, deepening his voice, said “Firebird One requesting pushback!”

 

”Jesus Loxy, just Drive straight ahead; you’ve got two miles” came the voice of his bowling mate Ernie, who was the tower controller at WWIA. LooseLox reddened and looked for the throttles, and then.....

 

 

[Captain]

......we all know that a 737 doesn’t have a prop, but it sounded good. He found a mic and, deepening his voice, said “Firebird One requesting pushback!”

 

”Jesus Loxy, just Drive straight ahead; you’ve got two miles” came the voice of his bowling mate Ernie, who was the tower controller at WWIA. LooseLox reddened and looked for the throttles, and then.....

 

..... said "Ooooo Errrhhh. What are all these duplicate instruments for? Surely you don't need all these spares? And what are these extra levers? Then he blushed again (like he used to when all the girls laughed at it) and called out "Clear the other prop" phoned the HF Szar and asked "Is that other one a spare or do I kick both engines in the guts when I get down near the end of that long straight concrete thing that planes use?".

 

The HF Szar smiled knowingly, pulled out his Form 267 Charge Sheet, then .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......it was too late;

 

1.  the szar fell on his back as Loxie pushed the throttles open and

 

2.  Some wag had stuck a sign on the panel saying "Beware, you're flying a MAX"

 

He took some throttle off brought the gear and flaps up and trimmed for climb. He had a full load of Phos-Check, and although he'd been given a drop location at the fire, he was itching to paint some part of the town orange just for fun.

 

Then he felt it, a slight shudder; the instruments were saying "It's normal Loxie" or whatever they do, but he froze and in that split second he remembered what his mentor, Turbo had told him "When something goes wrong, fly the plane!" He shoved the nose down and applied full throttle and miraculously the shuddering stopped.

 

The next thing he heard was the Szar shouting "You've DONE IT! Loxy, you've solved the problem" and explained the 737 MAX issue.

 

They radioed in and advised the problem and were told to finish the days  fire drops and go home; such is the life of a CFS volunteer - they're told NOTHING.

 

The next morning there was a traffic jam on the way out to Wagga Wagga International, and they noticed crowds 20 deep at the airport. On the apron, or more correctly taking up all the apron was a Boeing Dreamliner with "Samantha" written on the front. Loxy wondered why you'd give such an aircraft a girl's name.

 

As they went through the terminal they saw people crowded around the TV Screens, and the Szar facing the news media and saying "It was poor pilot traiing all along", and a young blonde walked up to Loxy and said "Hi, I'm Samantha Boeing, Bill's great grand daughter, I'm the new CEO of Boeing, how can I possibly show my appreciation?"

 

"Loxy told her, and she smiled, and said how about I donate this Dreamliner to the CFS and you can carry ten times as much water?" You could see the disappointment in Loxy's face, but he was a CFS man, and he thanked her and then.............

 

 

[hihosland]

... when the guy in the black shirt stepped forward and demanded the keys Loxie .....

 

 

[Captain]

........ had another of his flashbacks to the days when he had trouble with keys and padlocks and stuff.

 

And then the revelations flowed out of Loxie like the waters flowing down the Darling at present.

 

"When I saw the MAX sign I just thought it was talking about Pepsi, who are a major sponsor of the CFS" said AhLo (Pepsi were actually reluctant when first approached and this only came about when they became aware that Coke were sponsoring the arsonists).

 

Then PoxyLoxy continued "And I also have to say that I really surprised how little water & retardant the 737 held."

 

"That is a surprise" said an ABC reporter, as he tried to turn our beloved Loxie into the Gumly Gumly equivalent of Greta Numbnuts "Does that make you say How Dare You?".

 

But Loxie was unmoved when he added "But XXXX (avref) does it ever hold a shxtload of fuel. I was really surprised and tempted to head non-stop over the Disneyland where I have always wanted to go."

 

Samantha sidled up to him and whispered in his shell-like ear "Do you think that you might have used the wrong tanks?"

 

"Oh" said Ahlo in the way that he often has to "Double triple XXXX, XXXX, XXXX. Is that why the tank caps were labelled arse about face and why the fires tended to flare up a little when I ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....make the drop.

 

Samantha looked at the blackened rear section of the 737 fuselage and thought "Maybe I shouldn't do a promotional tour with him; I might have a real one here, he probably doesn't know a Number 1 from a Number 2 nozzle, and....."

 

 

[Captain]

.....make the drop.

 

Samantha looked at the blackened rear section of the 737 fuselage and thought "Maybe I shouldn't do a promotional tour with him; I might have a real one here, he probably doesn't know a Number 1 from a Number 2 nozzle, and....."

 

..... he obviouslly has what it will take to restore confidence in the MAX." "Plus he is an absolute hunk in those yellow dacks, so can help me out in another area as well" ("Is that a brass fire nozzle or are you just pleased to see me" she thought)

 

Ahlow heard her mention the 737 MAX and just said quietly "Just a small bottle please, Sammi my sweet".

 

"Oh well, perhaps I can just use his masculine powers and have him do the labels on the fuel and water caps." thought Sam.

 

However the ABC reported saw an angle and fronted up again to say "..........

 

 

[turboplanner]

..........."Real men fly Boeings!" Just who the reporter was who went off-message and departed the socialist line no one knows, but suddenly Loxy was a Rock Star, people were again saying "If it's not Boeing, I'm not going",  and Loxy stayed loyal to his Pepsi-CFS roots, and

 

LOXY ON THE WAY TO HIS AD AWARD

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

..........."Real men fly Boeings!" Just who the reporter was who went off-message and departed the socialist line no one knows, but suddenly Loxy was a Rock Star, people were again saying "If it's not Boeing, I'm not going",  and Loxy stayed loyal to his Pepsi-CFS roots, and

 

...... that was because he had had a few.

 

"I know how I can help you Sam, as I am a real wordsmith" said Loxi. "It was me who originally came up with the Boeing/not going catchphrase." And I also came up with "You can't go far in a SportStar" and the killer is "If it ain't an Airbus then je non .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....monter, et..........

 

 

[Captain]

..... make-a de fuss".

 

The crowd went mad, the video went viral and PoxyLoxie, true to his name, caught a .........