The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

....as desperate as a Rat abandoned in a car (for good reason), so maybe I could make a move on her...."

 

But right about then, the Rat decided Mavis had abandoned him (for good reason - she suddenly realised he was nothing but a Rat), and he took off, up the street, looking for a replacement ride.

 

"Look out! It's a huge Rat!!," shrieked all the girls, as he scurried past. Finally, he spotted a car with keys left in it, and despite only just being able to see over the steering wheel, he managed to start it and slip it into gear, and hit the road.

 

But as he hit the outskirts of town, he spotted flashing red and blue lights behind him. "Darn it!", said the Jedi Rat, "It's time I pulled my.....

 

 

[Captain]

 

But as he hit the outskirts of town, he spotted flashing red and blue lights behind him. "Darn it!", said the Jedi Rat, "It's time I pulled my.....

 

...... pud, ............. as I am developing a Jedi Rat lifestyle subdivision, with 3000 m strip and soundproof engine testing bay, which ......

 

Real Estate terms for suspicious souls.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

.....will still make some muffled sounds that will sound suspiciously like the Jedi Rat pulling his Pud. But as the Jedi Rat pulled out his redevelopment plan, the grim-faced police officer appeared at his door, and said, "Don't give me any of your 'major real-estate developer' BS, and try to pull one over me! I'm here to see your licence, not your redevelopment plans!!"

 

"Oh? A licence? Yes, I'm a licenced real-estate agent as well, I'll just try to find that document for you", said the Rat with a gold-toothed, charming smile.

 

The officer snarled with a curled lip, "Don't give me any of your smart-arse lip! I'll arrest you and handcuff you faster than anything you've seen on TV!", he said.

 

At that, the Jedi Rat realised his luck was rapidly running out. But like all good rats, he was expert at leaving sinking ships (and stolen cars), so in a single bound, he was gone out the passenger window, and running for his life.........

 

 

[hihosland]

up a handy drain pipe leaning on the starboard (avref) side of Cappy's Drifter hangar (avref squared)

 

the same drain pipe that Cappy used when really pressed (Mavis ref) to ...................

 

 

[Captain]

up a handy drain pipe leaning on the starboard (avref) side of Cappy's Drifter hangar (avref squared)

 

the same drain pipe that Cappy used when really pressed (Mavis ref) to ...................

 

.... clear (avref) HIS pipes.

 

Mavis liked what she saw (and has always longed to yell "Clear Torpedo" after having seen bull's) so has decided to apply to join Wreck (oldphartref) Flying (avref) (I wonder what will be her nom-des-plume) where she has assumed that she will then have free access to a succession of Flyboys and Flygirls (not that there is anything wrong with that), however she spoke to the Skipper on the QT in a very concerned way, as she was very worried that this might involved forced discussion with .........

 

 

[turboplanner]

......the WreckFline Diversity Department. This department had been introduced to reduce the number of uncouth feminist remarks which mainly came from Captain and OneTruck, but after Turbo had pointed out that while there were less women they were FAR worse than the men, and Mavis's obscene chatter was well known from Townsville to Rockhampton. It was so bad that truckies wouldn't go to the RSL. She was too late, The WFDD had got wind of an unsavory person about to join, and blocked Mavis.

 

This in turn was seen to be......

 

 

[hihosland]

a fine opportunity to hire Fly Tornado as a consultant in the expectation that he and Mavis could .......

 

 

[Captain]

a fine opportunity to hire Fly Tornado as a consultant in the expectation that he and Mavis could .......

 

...... consummate a ........

 

 

[Captain]

...... consummate a ........

 

...…. n unholy relationship between Heidi, the Onetrick pony, TinkyWink, bull-from-bone, Salty from Renmark and Ratty.

 

"Crikey" said the FlyingMavisla, who is a new member with 0 posts (so a WF virgin …...…. of sorts) "What a bunch of weirdo names and personas." she observed "I wonder how many are really blokes and whether they actually fly (avref), or just ……...

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....live in the minds of Captain Cook's descendant, and with that great doubts began to descent on WF. Was Australia even discovered by Captain Cook? Was he carrying an ASIC at the time? Had he been using a WAC chart, or had he been relying on a gps from Woolworths, or even Bigglesworth's $2 compass. (For newer members of WF Bigglesworth was an enigma who rivalled Dr Livingston. One day he was pining for his girlfriend so he hopped in his Morgan on the coast of NSW with a $2 compass he'd bought, flew over the Great Australian Alps, found the Murray River, followed it to Tocumwal, found his girfriend and decided to see a bit of Victoria, so flew over the GAA again, got lost and discovered Gippsland, turned east and eventually found his airport, and that was just one of his entertaining adventures.) But back to Captain Cooks great (12th) grandson, was he even...........?

 

 

[onetrack]

..... legit? - or was he a result of an illegal liaison between his mother and the postman, as Cappy is rumoured to be?

 

If proven correct, that would be a disturbing revelation and complete re-write of Australian history, with a simple postman becoming responsible for a vast number of discoveries in Australia.

 

In Cappys case, if the rumour is proven to be true, this would lead to a far better understanding of Cappys problems, such as an overwhelming need to collect stamps, and his overwhelming and unnatural interest in the sexual proclivities of anyone he comes into contact with - plus his constant claim to be a complete Rat.

 

Having pondered these points, the fact does remain that neither of these rumours have been substantiated, which makes Cappy heave a huge sigh of relief - and the rumours will stay rumours thanks to Cappy refusing point blank to supply any DNA samples, which would serve to clear up the muddied waters.

 

Meantimes, back at the airstrip, there was intensive discussion centred around the next stage of Drifter upgrades, with a........

 

 

[hihosland]

Rumoured imminent release of the mark VV turboentatulator propulsion system fuled by the bivalent sigma isotope of kryptonite. 

 

Hearing this news Cappy immediately called his... 

 

 

[Captain]

Rumoured imminent release of the mark VV turboentatulator propulsion system fuled by the bivalent sigma isotope of kryptonite. 

 

Hearing this news Cappy immediately called his... 

 

...... broker. "Buy more Turbo shares as the VVTPS as fueled by the BSIOK is sure to make a motza" he commanded, not realising that Turbo had a reputation for being a bit of a shonk.

 

And they say trouble always comes in threes (lucky old trouble, eh?) as he immediately thereafter received a call from the Financial Review saying that they were soon to publish an expose on his life and asking "Is it true, as Turdboy claims, that you are related via sexual propergation, to Jimmy Cook, Ned Kelly, Charles Sturt, Neville Bonner, Joh Bejelke, Charles Kingsford Smith, Douglas Bader, Biggles, Amelia Erhardt, Charles Goebles, Kevin Rudd, Ghandi, Darth Vader and Captain Midnight?"

 

This was a shock to the always mild mannered Jedi Rat who had never before used his antecedents to add to his own legendary status (or to crack onto chicks), so he gave this issue a lot of .......... 

 

THE RODENT HAS A FAULTLESS MEMORY AND REMEMBERS BIGGLESWORTH, A TROUBLED LAD WITH A SWASHBUCKLING DEATH WISH WHO TOOK WF BY STORM FOR ABOUT 3 MINUTES BACK LAST CENTURY.

 

 

[Captain]

"And don't forget that you are also related to Ronald Ryan, John Batman, Nick Kyrgios, Ivan Milat and the Purple Wiggle" said Turgid, twisting the knife.

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........thought, and finally decided, since all those villains were in his family tree to hire a Public Relations company to protect him.

 

A few days later a statement was issued showing the Captain's alleged Family Tree, starting with Alexander the Great, and including a litany of luminaries, and ending with King George VI.

 

Everyones belief systems, attuned to 2020 swung the Captain's way, ignoring his villainous Cook line, so there was no further point in trying to tell the truth.

 

Turbo continued with the truth the KGVI was actually a German, the family name was Saxxe-Gothenberg, "Windsor" was a name his PR team thought sounded English, and though THAT famil tree the Captain was closely related to Adolph Hitler. "I THOUGHT his face looked familiar, said OneTree, just couldn't place it; but if you stuck a little Mo on Cappy's top lip he could pass for that monster and probably......

 

 

[Captain]

"I THOUGHT his face looked familiar, said OneTree, just couldn't place it; but if you stuck a little Mo on Cappy's top lip he could pass for that monster and probably......

 

………… still lives off the royalties from his book "I'm Kamp", (not that there is anything wrong with that).

 

This revelation made the rest of the NES contributors reconsider their allegiances to their beloved Captain and the, now thousands in number, NES subscribers wondered if it was all worthwhile to be associated with the Right Wing (avref) in this way,  and also considering that Eeeen copped a sling of $4.28 every time each of them accessed the riveting (beercanavref) tales of the NES.

 

However the NES subscribers recalled all of the riveting posts from bull and the Onetrick, plus Briney held great promise, although Turdy's posts were voted down again following another petition from Planey.

 

The star of the NES was declared to be Heidi, who stepped up into his (or her ….. because you have to be very careful these days, as the NES and WF are non sexually specific) leadership position when he (or she) declared that the Skipper and Turgid (or she) were henceforth to be considered as …………..

 

 

[hihosland]

.... of the very best Aryan stock and immediately invested in a large vat of liquid nitrogen for the preservation for future generations of certified quality ova and semen.

 

Turbo when he/she/whatever heard of this cunning scheme suffered a mental throw back to his speedcar days and immediately rushed over with his jiggler siphon hose (avref) determined to charge the Drifter tyres with nitrogen.

 

Not as it turned out a great idea, more a Fukishima moment than a Damascus one especially when one reflects on the result of this exercise when................

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....loyal NES readers were about to be sprayed with avrefless aryian exhortations to march on......

 

 

[Captain]

when one reflects on the result of this exercise when................

 

….. all of the seamen ran for the lifeboats yelling "We're not letting liquid nitrogen anywhere near the thing that ………..

 

 

[Captain]

.....loyal NES readers were about to be sprayed with avrefless aryian exhortations to march on...…

 

...……. little Danny Andrews' office in order to force him to ……...…..

 

 

[Captain]

...……. little Danny Andrews' office in order to force him to ……...…..

 

……… hire the MBACBCI (the Moorabbin Back & Controlled Burning Conglomerate Inc) to undertake aerial controlled burning.

 

You see, dear reader, the truth has finally come out, as it always will, and the months of planning came to fruition when the MBACBCI announced their IPO (no, not IPOften, which he does now), but Tink was wanting to float this new venture because the Turboencabulator was a total failure and 7 had exploded in flames during final testing (the Musk Stick called him to compare notes), and Tink, ever the opportunist, had identified them as great airborne ignition sources which when combined with the fleet of 74 Drifters that he had bought up worldwide, meant that the MBACBCI could offer cheap precision slow flying aerial controlled burn and back-burning services.

 

"But what if the encabulator ignites while still strapped to the Drifter?" asked a cynic.

 

"We have thought of that" came the reply from the MBACBCI "Because …………………..

 

 

[onetrack]

".... as part of our services, we employ a Coulson LAT to follow the turboencabulator-powered Drifters, to drop a load of fire retardant on them, if they spot a Drifter on fire.

 

Besides, only 7 catching fire is not an excessive number in the overall scheme of things. As the car manufacturers says, it's an acceptable number, keeping in mind total production numbers that run into tens of thousands.

 

And besides, a Drifter on fire falling into a controlled burn, isn't a problem - except for that particular pilot!

 

But hey, we have to expect a small amount of attrition, that's just the nature of turboencabulators.

 

This is just an outstanding example of our ability to turn faults into features - something you don't get with any other operation that's in competition with MBACBCI!

 

Meantimes, Cappy was looking for an opening (as all good Rats do), in the field of aerial backburning, and accordingly, he said to Turbo.......

 

 

[Captain]

".... as part of our services, we employ a Coulson LAT to follow the turboencabulator-powered Drifters, to drop a load of fire retardant on them, if they spot a Drifter on fire.

 

Besides, only 7 catching fire is not an excessive number in the overall scheme of things. As the car manufacturers says, it's an acceptable number, keeping in mind total production numbers that run into tens of thousands.

 

And besides, a Drifter on fire falling into a controlled burn, isn't a problem - except for that particular pilot!

 

But hey, we have to expect a small amount of attrition, that's just the nature of turboencabulators.

 

This is just an outstanding example of our ability to turn faults into features - something you don't get with any other operation that's in competition with MBACBCI!

 

Meantimes, Cappy was looking for an opening (as all good Rats do), in the field of aerial backburning, and accordingly, he said to Turbo.......

 

…………. "I know of a heap of disposable pilots (avref) that would be suitable conscripts into the MBACBCI. They all hang around a Forum with the initials WF and most of them are crusty anti-establishment old buggers, so the Drifters wouldn't need to be registered or airworthy (avref) and none of them have ever given a rats (rattyref) about a 500 ft minimum altitude (avref) limit."

 

"Well that depends" responded Turbo.

 

"No, most of them favour Pull-Ups (avref)" answered the Skipper "As they have found that during a long 20 minute fire-bombing flight (avref) Depends chafe their …….. 

 

STOP PRESS - The AFR has just reported that the TurboEncabulator Corp (TEC) has been named and joined into the VW and Mitsubishi probe in Germany, previously known as DieselGate, because the TEC has been dobbed in (by some disgruntled WF Turbo hater) for falsifying their encabulator failure records. "Turbo ist ein XXXX und ein XXXXXXXX" said the DieselGate Administrator.

 

 

[turboplanner]

....shanks and destabilise the Turboencabulator which then goes gyroscopic."

 

Turbo's spin doctor Elon Most then addressed the DieselGate allegation. NES has to point out that Elon is not the Technical Director.

 

"We're not involved in DieselGate" said Elon to the assembled media "because we will be taking the fuel out of our Drifters, and once the fuel is out they will become ZEDs, Zero Emission Drifters, just like those Zero Emission electric buses. No fuel = No emissions, so once again MBACBCI is leading the way to a greener future, and......"

 

 

[Captain]

....shanks and destabilise the Turboencabulator which then goes gyroscopic."

 

Turbo's spin doctor Elon Most then addressed the DieselGate allegation. NES has to point out that Elon is not the Technical Director.

 

"We're not involved in DieselGate" said Elon to the assembled media "because we will be taking the fuel out of our Drifters, and once the fuel is out they will become ZEDs, Zero Emission Drifters, just like those Zero Emission electric buses. No fuel = No emissions, so once again MBACBCI is leading the way to a greener future, and......"

 

……….. we are using up shrivelled up old useless pilots (avref) who nobody will miss, and whose dried up useless old bodies will just aid the controlled burning for a net zero sum energy equivalent, or as the girls at the CWA know it, a NZSEE.

 

bull was concerned that this initiative by the MBACBCI might cut short his lifesaving activities, flashing it down at McCanes Bay, and the benefits with the ladies that were the result, so he called Salty, down in the Riverland, to propose ……….