The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

"AND WE HAVE A WINNER!!!", cried the MC as he handed the gold trophy to the Cappy, who snuck in with the 12,000th post on the NES ......

 

.... turboencabulator-boosted Jabiru, with the stall warning sounding constantly. "Did I ever tell you I learnt to fly under the instruction of that famous 'Bud Holland'?", said Cappy, as he just missed the top of the Tower with the undercarriage by less than a metre, and laughed maniacally as he saw the ATC staff desperately throwing themselves to the floor, convinced the Jab was coming through their viewing windows.

"Haaaa! Haaaaa!! Haaaaaa!!", Cappy was screaming, as the Jab bounced around the sky, doing 90° banks, loops until the engine cut out, and then only restarting at 150', frightening the assorted flocks of sleeping 'roos, panicking them into rushing the airport perimeter fence, and knocking it flat!

"Ooooohh!", said Cappy, "We could get into trouble here, with that perimeter fence damage! They'll be looking for someone to blame! Let's hightail it out of here!!"

"But Turbo couldn't respond, he was too busy emptying the remnants of his $700 burger out the side window, and ..........

[turboplanner]

.......colour coded Caravans full of camping gear. The Tower guys were furious, but you can only chase a Caravan so for in a Land Cruiser, and the two wags had performed a star shell burst as they left. What really upset the Tower guys were the registration letters of the two aircaft, innocent while each aircraft was on its own, but when they flew side by side, spelled.........

[Captain]

..... PLA .... NEY, who was then ......

 

 

Thanks to the Pilot Shop for the new dual Garmin 9" TXi displays. It was certainly worth winning.

[turboplanner]

DAS for CASA (Not many people know that, so NES readers, don't breath a word.

 

 

 

Bugger, Turbo always shops at the Pilot Shop and had been watching that new dual Garmin, waiting for Een to drop the price.

The Pilot Shop.........where Biggles used to shop.

[Captain]

DAS for CASA (Not many people know that, so NES readers, don't breath a word. …….

…….. ).

 

Because he was practicing for the Reno Air Races by upgrading his Drifter to S6 specs and practicing on a course that used the BHP Tower, the Sydney Harbour Bridge, the Glenelg Pier and the Perth Clock Tower as pylons. As a result the crowds lined the course and were thrilled & keen to provide their support for this little Aussie Planey battler getting ready to take on the Yanks in their converted P51s. (The crowds across the Nullarbor packed the cliffs as the Drifter went by at valve bouncing speeds, which ……..

[turboplanner]

....was illegal of course because Planey didn't have a permit for an airshow. "I got some good video of him buzzing the crowd, but we'll keep that to ourselves just in case he goes troppo at some time in the .......

[Captain]

....... heat of FNQ.

 

And this, dear NES'er, is the revelation that all had feared.

 

Forget about Coronavirus, forget about Turbo's so far suppressed "liaison sexuale" with the ever so hot Lawyer X, forget about what the Skipper got up to during those years where he dabbled with the priesthood in the service of Tink's very convincing mesiah complex (where it turned out that he was just a naughty aviator) .................... as it can now be revealed from photos taken of the Drifter streaking past the Bunda Cliffs, that (at least in profile with a leather flying (avref) cap on) planey looks almost exactly like bull and this has been further demonstrated by planeys above and recent omission of capitals in his name.

 

Turdboy wasn't surprised, Heidi was amused, Salty was his usual laid-back Renmarkable self, but Onesie was stunned because he ..........

Edited March 4, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....had been out collecting hundreds of toilet rolls, and had missed the horrific story.

Interviewed by Channel 9 with his semi trailer half full of toilet rolls, and in response to the simple question: “Why are you buying so many toilet rolls?” The Wiley Onetrack was lost for......

[onetrack]

....words at the stupidity of the question. "Why? - Well, I've bought so many toilet rolls, because there's an aviation event (avref) to be held shortly at Tyabb, and we all know the largest percentage of pilots, are full of sXXX!!"

"So, they are going to need this amount of toilet rolls to cope with the loads of sXXX produced there! Besides, there's a coronavirus on the rampage, and there's always the possibility someone could sneeze at Tyabb, and the authorities will put the place into lockdown, and place everyone there into Quarantine, and they will need this amount of toilet paper to survive!" And at that, Onetrack took off for Tyabb, with the media in hot pursuit, convinced that.......

[turboplanner]

......he had outsmarted the Channel 9 journalist. He had thought of throwing in a couple of “Cessna” mentions, but thought he’d gotten clean away with it until.....

[Captain]

…. the ABC cornered him before he exited the aircraft on the tiedowns at Tyabb.

 

"Excuse me Onetrack (you capitalist elitist aircraft owning, climate denying oppressor of the working classes and Greens)" the Gay Asian 1st Nations Transgender ABC interviewer (GAFNTABCI) said "Would you be willing to appear on Q&A next week to be torn to shreads by lefty wankers while we address the dunny roll situation, your views on child gender assignation, Gretta Thumbsuck, the difference between Cessna and Piper, and what ……..

[turboplanner]

........we can do to speed up production of vegan hamburgers with.........

[onetrack]

.... the workforce being crimped by lockdowns, supplies of high quality vegetable product from China drying up, and many of our activists being detained and banned from farming areas?"

Onetrack replied, "I'm sorry, I'm not available for that particular session of Q&A - and besides, it's a gathering of more than 10 people, and a real threat to coronavirus spread."

"So, being the good, thoughtful, caring citizen that I am, I'm declining to attend, to assist in prevention of the spread of the greatest threat to our economy, since Gough Whitlam got access to the public purse!"

At that horrible degradation of the good name of Gough, the ABC journo was taken aback, and became speechless. With that hiatus in the interview, Onetrack took the opportunity to.......

[Captain]

...... provide an unsolicited diatribe on the latest news from the Palestinian conflict just south of Entebbe, where the Pals were fighting their way north towards their favourite coffee shop in Haifa.

 

It was then that Onesie provided a quote in words to the effect of "Geeez I wish I was back in Freo at my favourite strip joint" said Mustafa, where me and the UniRoote (which doesn't mean that he has a penchant for Notre Dame students) used to have a whale .........

[onetrack]

....steak at a little cafe in High St. It was the highlight of my stay in Australia!", said Mustafa - "Apart from the very good W.A. coffee, of course. West Australian coffee beats that dreadful Victorian and NSW coffee, hands down, any day!"

"Yes, said Onetrack thoughtfully, "I was thinking of running some decent coffee into Victoria and NSW, seeing as they've never tasted it, and the stuff they drink is probably recycled cow dung with a few additives, and sold as the worlds finest Arabica!"

"What a brilliant idea!", said Mustafa. "I'll be in on that! We can load up one of the Drifters that's fitted with the Supercharged Turboencabulator, and we'll be able to take 350kgs of coffee beans with us, and make a huge killing!"

"There's just one little snag we have to overcome", said Onetrack. "It involves some.......

[turboplanner]

...changes to your baggage. Why is it necessary for the Drifter to be loaded up with 50 toilet rolls?

"Well I have a problem" said Mustapha "I wasn't named Mustapha Crap for nothing you realise, but if you like I'll........."

 

 

[Turbo notes we're back in South West China, and hopes OT is wearing a mask]

[onetrack]

....cut back on the toilet rolls, and carry a bagful of eucalyptus leaves instead. I always admired the Aboriginals ability to live off the land, now we'll get to do the same! It beats stocking up on rice, tins of beans and packets and packets of 2 minute noodles!"

Meantimes. Onetrack, being made of sterner stuff than the weak East Coasters, having come from a long life of ancestors who fought off everything from Vikings to the Black Plague, was dismissive of the coronavirus.

"Ahhh, it's just all fake news", he said. "Overblown media hype designed to sell newspapers. Haven't they heard the old ditty, 'We're tough, mighty tough in the West, where we wear neither singlet nor vest!'? We take viruses, waves of illegal immigrants, foreign pilots, and hundreds of invasive species, in our stride!"

"Incidentally, Mustafa, do you happen to have an Australian visa? They'll probably want to see it, when we land at Wagga International, you know how the Cockroaches are touchy about more Middle Easterners in their midst! They already have their hands full with Little Lebanon in Lakemba!"

"Visa??", said Mustafa, looking shocked. "I don't know nothing about about any stolen Visa?? Who's been using a stolen Visa card with my name?"

"No, no", said Onetrack, "I wasn't talking about a credit card scam, I was talking about the need to produce ID when we.......

[turboplanner]

......clap eyes on the ASIC man. “I NOT clap all the time!” bristled Mustangs. “You talking clap”.

All this talk had affected OT’s stomach and he walked off with his eucalyptus leaves. What he didn’t realise was that he had picked Eucalyptus-C and the leaves were hotter than a Malaysian Pepper. “Yeeaouuuuu!............

[Captain]

TinkyWink said ...............… All this talk had affected OT’s stomach and he walked off with his eucalyptus leaves. What he didn’t realise was that he had picked Eucalyptus-C and the leaves were hotter than a Malaysian Pepper. “Yeeaouuuuu!............

 

 

[turboplanner]

......While Cappy went weak at the knees listening to Johnny Cash, OT had quickly ditched the Euc-C leaves, switching to a narrow leaf, but likely looking grass for the job. It was Sword Grass, which..........

[Captain]

......While Cappy went weak at the knees listening to Johnny Cash, OT had quickly ditched the Euc-C leaves, switching to a narrow leaf, but likely looking grass for the job. It was Sword Grass, which..........

……. Tink and the Skipper thought was a bit on the soft side.

 

"I prefer Yuccas, while Tubb always uses Agave leaves, but all were shocked when Salty advised that he always wipes his with ……...

[turboplanner]

............sandpaper. "It keeps me sharp" he said, and always......

[onetrack]

.... leaves me clean and fresh-smelling. Besides, with the major run on toilet paper as it currently stands, we're all going to have to go native shortly, and resort to wiping with any handy leaves."

Meanwhile, with Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' ringing in his ears, the song reminded Onetrack he had to go check the new exhaust system that had been installed on the Drifter, that was installed to cope with the massive amount of extra heat, caused by fitment of the Supercharged Turboencabulator. A Ring on Fire, once airborne, was a particularly difficult thing to manage, and really tested crew resources.

But Mustafa was itching (literally) to go. "When are we taking off (avref), OT? I'm itching to get airborne, and get some cool airflow around my rear end."

Onetrack replied, "We'll be on our way, just as soon as we.......

[turboplanner]

.........can get one of these four friggin GPSs working. Two of them have frozen; that's now 8 I've had to throw away. One is gapping, so one minute you have a track to follow, the mext minute the track disappears for 20 minutes, and I forgot to bring the lead for the other one.

"Don't you worry about that" said Mushapha, who had a Masters in Australian History, "I can remember the way from previous trips".

The block of cheese having slid off the table, OT opened the throttle and the Drifter shot into the air like a Chinese after a toilet roll.

 

Thirty minutes later OT said "Where are we, this looks like ocean below us, and I can see a .......................

[Captain]

...... dhou.

 

"That's the Dead Sea, you dead XXXX"commented Mustafa in his best sandgroper accent as he got ready to bail out, and with the Drifter now at 24,000 ft he was planning to free fall for ....