The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

.....gain & again & again & again. But each was the same salad & vegan mince, so while she was & is definitely a honey, the tucka is pretty crook & even the tea lady at Turbine Enterprises would ...........

[onetrack]

...provide a better feed with her tea and biscuits and cakes. So John T advised every bloke to steer well clear of Olivias cooking enticements - and, he added, the only thing she really did well, was facial products ads.

Meantimes, Turbine Enterprises shares had taken a hammering on the current savage bear market, having lost 60% of their value in a week, following the general airline (avref) trend.

"This can't be right!", wailed Turbo, "Don't these people know that an investment in Turbine Enterprises is a guaranteed gold mine!"

"Your aircraft/airline association is pulling your shares down", said Cappy, "You need to get out and differentiate your product! Tell 'em you're coming up with a coronavirus vaccine next week, and put the mockers on that Elongated Muskstick - because that's what he'll be doing next!"

"What a brilliant idea!" said Turbo. "Cappy, you need to help me here, with a......

[turboplanner]

.......draft announcement.

And so that infamous Insider Trading incident, which shook the NYSE to its foundations, which had been loosened by Lehman Bros being off with the fairies began with a press release.

 

"It is not true that Turbine Industries has found an antidote for Conrona Virus in the form of a small tablet which you mix into your latte for ten years of immunity from the virus" said Captain Cook JR, Public Relations Vice President of Turbine Industries. "We've been playing around with something, but we're not ready to hit the pill presses just yet" the Captain continued.

The stock markets around the world went berserk and Turbine Industries basic was selling at $65,000.00 per share; more than Berkshire Hathaway, Turbo and Cappy had worn their fingers to the bone selling shares as fast as they could. Both were now Billionaires, and........

[Captain]

...... said "We've got the dough, so who gives a rats about the consequences, and anyway, Tink knows (& has been having an affair for the last 20 years with) Lawyer Y, plus I know a couple of Judges that owe me a favour or 2, so we'll be sweet."

 

But then bull and the Uniroute got together at Salty's joint, where Salty .........

[turboplanner]

.......had stashed......

[Captain]

..... a packet of .......

[turboplanner]

.......Minties under the sofa cushions when his missus wasn't looking; they broke out the Pepsi and decided to hold a meeting to decide what could be done about the dwindling number of Recreational Aircraft for sale each month, and whether this related to the Corona......

[Captain]

.......Minties under the sofa cushions when his missus wasn't looking; they broke out the Pepsi and decided to hold a meeting to decide what could be done about the dwindling number of Recreational Aircraft for sale each month, and whether this related to the Corona......

..... Extra, which is normally consumed with a slice of lemon or lime.

 

And that Dear Reader is the reason why limes & lemons are in short supply, as it has now been confirmed by some idiot in Iran that a slice of lime, when inserted suppositorially, can cure .......

[turboplanner]

......the effects of Corona Virus for 16 years.

The side effect of this was the relief of being able to buy a toilet roll, once it was clear this was better than the previous rumour that packing toilet paper up your nostrils and in your ears was better than wearing a P2 Mask.

Thousands.............

[Captain]

....... & millions of thousands of lemons & limes died as a consequence, practitioners squinted and winced, but the smell of citrus was ........

[onetrack]

.... rarely noted in the Middle Eastern hardline Islamic States. But dear NES readers, it appears that the Cappy has misread or misinterpreted the important Arabic medical utterings of the much-loved Islamic cleric, Abbas Tabrizian.

He didn't speak of using citrus oils - his pronouncement was that using Violet Oil dabbed on the anus with a cotton bud, was the complete cure for the coronavirus.

 

As we all know, Violet Oil has a beautiful fragrance, and is noted for tightening the skin and cleansing the pores.

This highly-esteemed cleric of Islamic medical knowledge obviously understands well, that tightening a loose anus is a wonderful thing to prevent leakage - and the magnificent fragrance of Violet Oil assists in promoting increased levels of AXXX-licking, thereby smoothing the mechanisms of Govt and law enforcement - as well as promoting good health, as Iranians examine each others aXXXholes closely for infection.

Naturally, some of the more unkind users of Twitter have noted that the esteemed clerics head is up his aXXX most of the time, anyway - comments that the dearly-loved cleric have dismissed as jealousy, because they failed to find the cure first.

 

But unfortunately, this pronouncement by the esteemed cleric has only led to hoarding of Violet Oil supplies, and stripping of shelves of Violet Oil - something the Govt is moving rapidly to stop.

"The actions of the people, by hoarding Violet Oil is anathema to a properly-functioning Islamic State, and is leading to increased levels of coronavirus infection", said the Ayatollah Khomeini.

 

He also announced the Islamic Guardian Councils findings, that the coronavirus was produced by the Great Satan, and there was little doubt it was released by the Americans, on Iranian soil, to promote the downfall of Iran.

"We have evidence that the bombs that killed our Martyr, Soleimani, also contained and released the coronavirus, at the same time as our great military leader was assassinated!" cried the Ayatollah.

 

"But what has all this to do with the NES??", asked Onetrack, as Cappy turned off the Al-Jazeera Iranian news article, in disgust.

"What this has to do with the NES?", said Cappy, is that the.......

[turboplanner]

........news will be very embarrassing to the members of RAA who rely heavily on Violet Oil to prevent bore corrosion in the engines they use in their planes, and who are of arabic origins.

"Who?" asked Onetrack, doing an Octave.

"Well El Een for one" replied Cappy, and El bull who wouldn't get the Tyro started without a dash of Violet Oil to......

[Captain]

....... a sphyctor or 2, as bull, ever the academic, had been studying the Iranian successes with their violet oil dabbing, as they have been able to restrict infection to just 80% of their parliamentarians.

 

"That result is outstanding" said Eye-a-tollroad Ccccchhhhomani "And next we plan to put a couple more 14 year old girls to death so that .........

Edited March 11, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......much better than the smell from the Wagga Wagga saleyards which wafted through the Latte precinct each morning so the locals decided they didn’t want to........

[Captain]

…….. have naughty saleyards anywhere near any country town …………………….. until they discovered that cattle are immune to Corona 19 (and even Corona 20 and 21 too [& cattle don't need to stockpile dunny paper either]) so the scientists at the Gumly pub got to work and deduced that it must be the smell of cattle and the purification qualities of cow manure that prevents the disease.

 

As a result, land prices beside the saleyards went through the roof and demand for a new 10,000 block 350 sq.m high density development set new records for the little known developer TepL Corporation, which, after an exhaustive ASIC search through 13 shelf companies and 15 proxy directors can now be traced to be a distant subsidiary of Turbine Enterprises Pty Ltd (TEPL). (TEPL also have a jewellery outlet (Thomas Turbine Jewellers [TTJ]) who have a line a talismanic lockets and bracelets that are filled with cow manure and for which they cannot meet demand).

 

It would not be unexpected for NES readers to learn that TEPL were ever the ones to take advantage of a pandemic and to minimise their tax obligations as a result (they actually submitted to the ATO (Turbo's brother is the Head Commissioner of Taxation in OZ) that the profits may be contaminated with Corona and needs to be quarantined for 7 years in the Turbine Enterprises' Head Office on the 45th floor of Turbine Tower, in Turbine St, Moorabbin (the suburb is to soon be the subject of a name change too).

 

As a result …….

Edited March 11, 2020 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....a whole new industry related to the collecting of Cow (and Bull) manure in large quantities will shortly commence.

 

"This is just what the country needs in this desperate time!", exclaimed Scott, as he released the fine details of his stimulus package.

"Because we are a Govt of finely-tuned economic abilities, we are going to offer a subsidy for Cow and Bull manure collection! This will stimulate the economy no end, as people get out and race around the countryside, wearing out vehicles and burning up fuel, and needing many bags to put the manure in - thus meaning there will be a shot in the arm for the car manufacturing industry, the fuel retailing industry, and the bag industry! The road building industry will also benefit, too, as road upgrades to new areas of BullsXXX supplies will be needed!!"

 

"But....", said Cappy in response to Scotts speech, "We will be overrun with BullsXXX, if that industry expands enormously! There will be piles of bullsXXX everywhere!"

"No worse that what we're already experiencing - what with climate change BullsXXX, coronavirus BullsXXX, political BullsXXX, entertainment industry BullsXXX, and CASA BullsXXX!!", exclaimed Turbo.

 

"The world needs more BullsXXX!", said Scott. "Everyone knows secretly, that the world runs on BullsXXX! It's needed for Govts to operate properly, it's needed for successful wooing of women, it's needed to get oneself out of trouble, when one has dug a huge hole for oneself!"

 

Cappy moaned, "This is starting to sound like a major BullsXXX re-election campaign, in disguise. We're heading down the track to.....

[turboplanner]

".......the same old two party system" but there had been a change overnight when Clive Palmer registered the BullXXX Party, and 18 million people hit social media to say they'd be voting for it. That was closely followed by mass defections from Liberal and Labor parties, leaving only the most extreme Cabinet members staying with Scomo, and Albo standing out the from of PH Canberra alone. This left no doubt about the result of the next election, and there are rumours that at 12:00 today Scomo will anounce that he doesn't have the numbers to govern, and couldn't win an election, and Albo will follow him with the same story, and Clive will be the new Prime Minister.

 

The Australian People, up to their waists in BullXXXX.......

[Captain]

..... urged the only other person of like personality to Clive (and of similar unlimited wealth) to run for PM.

 

This was Turbo's finest hour, as he is the Clive Palmer of the next decade and uses his palm very often, to .......

[turboplanner]

.....calculate complex equations (the palm took over from the previous computers the size of a large room, but proved to be too much of a handful, so the world got laptops instead), but Turbo was urged not to stand by his minders who painted a picture of Turbo, who had been driving around supermarkets looking for a roll of toilet paper and had been busting for two days, making a speech and having an accident on National Television.

The great toilet roll shortage had begun to ease, but it was advisable to carry a roll with you at all times. Just Jeans had just released an Ad for Jeans with a pocket big enough for a toilet roll with the catch-line "Rear Men Carry their Own!" and stores were beginning to run out of jeans. People were fighting at the counters. One bank robber, wearing a pair of these new jeans was brought to justice when police shot him in the toilet roll.

 

Meanwhile the Espy at St Kilda was giving away free shots of BullXXX with every drink. The place was full of Millenials wearing their new Just Jeans, and over the road at the St Kilda Tea Rooms the sandwich board outside announced free BullXXXX bowls so you could add a spoonfull to your tea for a sweeter experience.

 

Up the street Superchip were selling BullXXX modules which extended fuel economy and gave more power when fitted to Hyundais.

 

And everyone was so engrossed in all this that they forgot to vote.

 

"Who's the PM then?" asked OT, always fretting about the last little detail.

 

"I couldn't give a .........."

[Captain]

....... tinker's cuss" responded Salty "Just as long as Turvid-19 can be anywhere near the top of the table, good old OZ will be in capable hands. First there was Alan Bond, then Chris Scase, Russ Hinze, Ned Kelly, little Kevi Rudd, the gay clock collector (nttiawwt), Clive Palmer and now the Turvid-19". How's that for a list of ..........

[onetrack]

..... dodgy operators? And I don't think that list covers half of them!", said Cappy, as he went looking for the BullsXXX module to see if it could be fitted to his Jab (avref).

"It doesn't make any difference to the country, who's PM!", he stated. "In fact, I think it's time we had a Republic, based on something better than just constant BullsXXX!", he announced.

"I reckon I've got the answer, but it's not one, that everyone wants to hear!" "What are you proposing?", said Turbo, with a hint of a sneer flitting across his face.

"I propose that we sack every politician, write up a new Constitution, discard the old one, and make rich people the only ones who can vote - and I'll nominate for 1st President of the New Republic!"

"You won't get past first base", said Turbo. "They'll crucify you as soon as you release your manifesto! You'll end up looking like .....

[turboplanner]

.....Julius Caesar with six knives in his guts yelling Et Yu Brutus and his yoga shot off. That......

[Captain]

.....Julius Caesar with six knives in his guts yelling Et Yu Brutus and his yoga shot off. That......

……… REALLY confused the dedicated thousands of NES readers due to the mixed metaphors, where crucifixion was linked to the assassination of Julius C and his yoga lesson being disrupted.

 

BUT Dear Reader, the position is much much worse, which is the reason behind the recent addresses to the Nations by Donny and Scot ……. because with Turvid-19 having changed his name to that moniker, everyone who comes down with CoronaCorvid-19 has to pay a Licence Fee to Turbine Enterprises who have just submitted a DA to add 10 floors to Turbine Tower.

 

The crowd were getting restless at Tink's being such a money grabbing old bugger, in order to take advantage of ………..

[turboplanner]

........the downtrodden masses. So they asked for more Centrelink money and received................

[Captain]

........the downtrodden masses. So they asked for more Centrelink money and received................

…….. approval to open a Turbrelink Office (each with a Julius Caesar franchised Yoga and hand santization facility) outside of each of the nation's Centrelink Offices in order to extract the cash before it can move further than 15 metres to the ……………….

Edited March 13, 2020 by Captain