The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

....... "Yup Yup" (Little Person Ewok joke), but then they cried ........

[hihosland]

"yes please" when they discovered that the madam of Turbo House of pleasure, pain, perversion and passion was a Kiwi who mis heard "Yup Yup" as "Tup Tup" however they then performed a rapid procedure turn (avref) when seeing Madam rounding up the ewes with .................

[Captain]

....... a five o'clock shadow, a crook and a sizeable beer gut,

 

They did another well coordinated (avref) procedure-turn (avref) and a double-take before saying the following (while maintaining on the Ewok/Star Wars theme) "I think Turbo that is, trying to control overheads he does, at the THOP by standing in as the Madam, he tries."

 

This was great news for Planey and those that do hate our beloved Turdbay, so they flew (avref) low (avref) and took the photo below, to provide absolute proof that Tink is doubling as the THOP Madam and is also a sheep ...........

 

[Captain]

…….. ish grinner, although there is little evidence of that in the above picture.

 

Salty was very surprised at seeing the photo of Turbo looking like a Bedouin Kiwi Madam, as he had never met Turbs and always imagined him to look more like a ………..

[hihosland]

.. aviator (avref) and the Madam to show more evidence of aviatrixeness (Trubo ref) than the poly chromic pattern of Holy Harness skid marks she was current sporting ; a condition that caused Salty to seriously doubt the security of the relicary at the Morrabbin cathedral and thus fore warned he did ...................

[onetrack]

....his best to protect it, by going in there one night, and removing it to a much safer place - his back shed.

However, when the true believers - Turbo amongst them - came to worship at the Shroud, they were aghast, when they found, that it had disappeared overnight!!

"This is an appalling theft!", said Turbo. "I looked forward to my daily absolutions at the Shroud, just looking at it gives me confidence each day, to carry out my allotted tasks!"

"We'll get Moorabbin's best investigator onto this dreadful desecration of our States finest religious relic, and we'll soon find out, that.......

[turboplanner]

......dastardly thief. The scrotums of the sixty worship attendees all constricted at once, and they looked around hoping no one was looking at them, because.......

[Captain]

...... one of them had advertised the shroud on ebay and his seller name was traceable, because it was ........

[turboplanner]

........the name of his Jabiru (avref), which he talked about endlessly on FB. So Turbo set out to trap the devilish Brine by a very unusual tactic. He......

[Captain]

...... set up a traditional "Sting" which involved Salty and a strange .........

[onetrack]

....looking individual from the backblocks of Wagga, who was reportedly offering a near-new Drifter for sale, at an astoundingly-low price.

 

The sting centred around the fact that Salty couldn't go past a bargain - particularly an aviation (avref) bargain.

 

The fact that the Drifters origins were dubious, was of no concern to a bloke who specialised in stealing religious articles.

 

The bloke contacted Salty through eBay, asking about a swap deal, and arranged a meeting time and place. The fact that that place was a lonely carpark was something that Salty.....

[Captain]

The bloke contacted Salty through eBay, asking about a swap deal, and arranged a meeting time and place. The fact that that place was a lonely carpark was something that Salty.....

…….. thought smelt of a particularly dodgy Ahlocks connivance who, as we all know, exhibited a most peculiar pong (a bit like a mouldy dead snake in a bad septic ….. and known in the plumbing trade as a "Steve" like smell) which even travelled over the internet invading all on ebay and everyone on Aircraft Spruce & Wreck Flying too, so that ………..

Edited March 20, 2020 by Captain

[hihosland]

there was a riot in the face mask aisle at Chemist wherehouse, a riot quickly escalated by the Captain;'s decision to ....

[onetrack]

.... join in and grab two trolleyfulls of facemasks, sanitisers, and toilet paper. He didn't even stop at the cash registers, knowing full well his selections would be rejected, and he's be asked to return most of the items to the shelves.

So, accordingly, he ran through the checkouts with the two trolleys, with the Chemist warehouse security guard in hot pursuit, yelling at him to stop.

But Cappy knew the back lanes of Wagga Wagga CBD like the back of his hand, and despite being handicapped by the two trolleys, the fat security guard was unable to keep up, and Cappy made a successful getaway.

But then came the awful realisation the Police would be notified, and he'd become a fugitive from the law! He had to do something, fast, to avoid capture.

Then came his brilliant idea! He'd lock himself in his house, and put a "Virus Self-Quarantine" notice on the door! How great an idea was that! The Police wouldn't be able to touch him, and besides, they......

[turboplanner]

...couldn’t seize any of the items in case they’d been contaminated. It was then he felt a tickle in his throat. His nose began to run. He raced for his Doctor’s surgery but there was a sign on the door. “We TOLD everyone not to come here, PHONE! He reached for his phone. Oh No he’d left it at home. Constable Doubtfire nudged the patrol car round the corner and he had to run down an alley and take the long way home. The Doctor said he sounded positive, and he should go to the nearest Testing Centre which was past the Supermarket. Two days later the test came back positive.”Oh..........”

[Captain]

...couldn’t seize any of the items in case they’d been contaminated. It was then he felt a tickle in his throat. His nose began to run. He raced for his Doctor’s surgery but there was a sign on the door. “We TOLD everyone not to come here, PHONE! He reached for his phone. Oh No he’d left it at home. Constable Doubtfire nudged the patrol car round the corner and he had to run down an alley and take the long way home. The Doctor said he sounded positive, and he should go to the nearest Testing Centre which was past the Supermarket. Two days later the test came back positive.”Oh..........”

……. SHXT" he said, with an air of concern.

 

"No, not that end" said the Doc "It mainly effects the chest & lungs."

 

"Lady's lungs?" he asked with his usual candor & innocence "As I've always been a bit of a Txt-man and therefore always wanted to …………….

 

 

Your delightful but innocent Skipper just noticed the excellent yellow badges that both Heidi and Onesie display below their avatars, and the Skipper is very envious but a little embarrassed that they both feel inclined to advertise so publicly that they have First Class Members. Erky perky, he thought to himself.

Edited March 22, 2020 by Captain

[Bryon]

.......but didnt.

Now Brine, being the man of the world that he was, who had massaged many a mammalian protuberance in his long and colourful life simply cast a derisory glance at Constable Doubtfire and............

[turboplanner]

.........was promptly arrested, slung into the van, with the usual "Clang!!!" as his head hit the front wall, taken down to the Station, and lockedc up.

"What are you goung to do to me?" he asked Constable Doubtfire.

She just leered, and said "You wouldn't......"

[hihosland]

want to know just yet; and in any case it is not us who are going to do it to you; that delightful task we have outsourced to ..................

[Captain]

...…. Elle McPherson, as she has heard that Salty is an expert with the manipulation of mammalian protruberanthingys.

 

"I'm pretty good with them too" said Turbine when he heard it was to be Elle (about whom Tink had been having wetties for half a century) "Arrest me too please."

 

"No, I'm Spartacus" yelled HiHo.

 

"no, no i'm Spartacus, eh." said bull "and i'm on my way down from bone now to be incarcerated, eh".

 

"Spartacus is my middle name" said Onesie "And I'm particularly skilled at ... …....

Edited March 22, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........double jointing." and then he noticed Captain was missing. It was important for all NES members to get around Brine and rescue him, and support him. Brine was a Vietnam War veteran who had won the purple heart in a battle where his platoon of 12 had been ambushed by over a hundred Viet Cong. Brine had told his men to take cover, and had single-handedly wiped them all out without even stopping for a glass of water.

 

The Captain had reached a 200 metre line at the virus checking statement, and in his authoritative voice was moving forward saying "Excuse Me", "Coming Through" and "Make Way". When he got to the front of the queue there was a pretty nurse standing there. "The back of the queue is that way!" she pointed. "Don't you know who I AM?" roared the Captain in that raspy Colonel Blimp impersonation. "No" she said "get to the back of the queue and sprayed him with green money dye donated by the local Bank for just such people. The Captain ........

 

 

[Turbo became aware late last night that a shipment of 500 tonnes of green dye had arrived in Australia last night, to be sprayed on naughty Bondi Bums, people who were caught walking in the streets, and nasty people who jumped queues, so be careful what you say to shop assistants out there or they'll pounce and make it easy for the Green Police Squad in each State (as announced by the Prime Minister last night) to lock you up until the crisis ends.

[Captain]

The Captain .......

…………. went green …………. from the dye ……… and with envy ………….. because Elle was submitting herself to Brine's cracked, dry and parched, salty hands.

 

The Skipper was also envious of Salty's Purple Heart …….. until he found out that it just came because Brine had been sucking an indelible pencil at the time.

 

Salty was indignant (although he would have preferred it be Elle), but that's another story which involved the ……………...

[turboplanner]

.........time Salty, loaded with liquor, took part in a gay Mardi Gras procession, He would have been OK, but his wife's cousin was taking video of the procession, and Mrs Brine gasped and dropped her sherry, wrecking her beehive hairdo, when Salty swayed past in a pair of jocks leering at the crowd and impersonating the early hip movements of Elvis.

 

She passed out, and........

[onetrack]

Salty arranged to have her picked up by the medics, so her collapse wouldn't interfere with his continuing in the Mardi Gras parade.

Meantimes, the word was being put out by the PM and his henchmen. Australia was going into lockdown.

 

"Lockdown??", gasped Turbine. "As in; when we were in jail, and something went wrong, and they put the jail into lockdown?"

"Hey, I never knew you'd been to jail?", exclaimed Cappy. "What did you do, to end up inside? This is something you've never told us about?"

 

"Well", said Turbine, "I had to keep that part of my life quiet, or I would never have got my CPL, my VIP Lounge Gold Pass, my $100,000 limit Amex card, nor invites to every Ministerial bash going!"

"So, what are you going to do now?", said Cappy - "Seeing as this part of your life is completely exposed to public view, and you're going into lockdown as well!? It's going to be......

[Captain]

...... hard going in isolation on your own, and knowing that the NES doesn't want anything else to do with you either, while Turbine Tower is empty, yet Briney is running out of puff with Elle and .......