The Never Ending Story

[Bryon]

Now now, leave Mavis out of this as she had nothing to do with the alleged orgy at the BoB (erky perky)

She was an innocent party

It was the participants (some well known contributors to the NES) who used various condiments to spice up the action and.......

[onetrack]

.....bring a new-found level of heat to the passion of the orgy, by introducing chilli-coated condoms. This action by Cappy led to a general revolt, much disgust, and a rapid end to the orgy.

 

"But I like everything HOT!! - including my wimmen!", said Cappy, as Mavis threw him off her, wailing that she felt like she was on fire!

 

"Fire?? Fire?? Did I hear someone call FIRE!!??", said Turbo, rushing in with his Victorian firefighters uniform and brass hat on (No, not the State - the ERA!)

 

"WTF???", cried out Roxette as she hastily dressed and surveyed Turbo in all his Victorian firefighter suit glory. "Where did this bloke come from, and what's he doing here? This is an orgy, not a house burning down!",

 

"I heard someone call out FIRE!", said Turbo - so, as I love wearing my Victorian Firefighters uniform and pretending to be a real firefighter ('cos I always wanted to be one, but my Mum wouldn't even let me ride on the fire truck), I had to answer the distress call!".

 

"You absolute twerp!" said Bryon, "You and Cappy have just ruined a perfectly fine orgy with your..........

[Captain]

"You absolute twerp!" said Bryon, "You and Cappy have just ruined a perfectly fine orgy with your..........

........ "STUFF out on display like that, once those Firey's uniforms fell to the floor with a flourish and a hip pump, as all the others paled into insignificance. You and The Skipper sure are magnificent specimens".

 

As usual, Turbo was keen to keep Onesie, Salty & Heidi on side (but for some reason didn't care all that much for bull) and said .....

[turboplanner]

......Please!, I'm shocked at this display! Here, read these Bibles and learn what happens to the likes of you.

[Captain]

……...

[Captain]

……. and particularly consider that bloke in the Bible who "spills his seed on the ground" because that is what most of you are".

 

"Not THAT Bible you clown" said your adorable Captain (who was dressed as Moses and with his burning bush ......……..… which was painful because he had brushed against a candle at the BOB with his dacks down) "It's the RAA Operations Manual Gospels, the latest CASA Psalms, the Human Phuctors Commandments and the Aircraft manufacturer's Catechisms that he is referring to ....................

 

THE SKIPPER IN HIS MOSES COSTUME, but having gone commando after the fire in his bush.

 

AND IN HIS FREO TRIBUTE UNIFORM AFTER HIS PUBES CAUGHT ON FIRE AT THE BOB.

YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF CANDLES WHEN YOU "ARE AN HAIRY MAN" AS THE GOSPELS SAY.

Edited March 29, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........and it was. The DAS had written to the SAO demanding that RAA, get onto that XXXX(CappyRef), and tell him to stop referring to that book and the cross and sh!t, and promote the thousands of Bibles which CASA requires pilots to learn by heart (Strict Liability Ref).

"Anything less than forty thousand pages" yelled the DAS, "and they can memorise what to do and beat us!" ha continued after a lucky grab for his teeth. That wasn't the end of it. "Moses got 40,000 grasshoppers to beat the Israelites, so go and read what he did in the Bi........"

[Captain]

……… scuit factory with & to the Sao cutter (who was very cute and certainly justified his close attention).

 

"I could make a quid out of 40,000 grasshoppers" said Turdy (ever the capitalist & opportunist) "Either as tucker for the lower classes if this virus keeps going, or as raw material for dunny paper, or as encabulator feed to produce …...……….

[turboplanner]

.......a new movie I've written called "My time in University Hospital, starring Tom Hanks, who will.........

[Bryon]

....no doubt ask Cappy to be a consultant given the amount of time he has been confined to hospital.

Here it should be mentioned that Cappy was only confined due to his frequent visits to the sperm donor clinic where he indulged in some rather vigorous.......

[Captain]

....no doubt ask Cappy to be a consultant given the amount of time he has been confined to hospital.

Here it should be mentioned that Cappy was only confined due to his frequent visits to the sperm donor clinic where he indulged in some rather vigorous.......

 

……… discussions on frequency.

 

"Why can't I donate daily?" he would ask the nurse.

 

"Well" she would reply "Chafing is an issue and we had a case reference from Bone, and an almost identical one from Renmark, where one of their citizens almost wore the end off his ...............

[turboplanner]

...........power walks around the corridors complying with the government instructions to keep fit. It all went well until he accidentally bumped into one of the elderly "Pink Ladies". Where a moment before, she had appeared to be doddering and confused, her first reaction was almost an instantaneous kick to the balls, followed by........

[Bryon]

..........an offer to use the old ancient homeopathy remedy of "kissing them better"

This upset the ladies of the Gumly Gumly Rissole who immediately went on strike and threatened to withdraw all services for their husbands, friends and casual acquaintances (Turdyref)

"Why should she have all the fun" they wailed, "We only want.......

[turboplanner]

....a piece of the action, but Cappy had lost all interest, and was whimpering as he backed away from them, but he tripped, and they were upon him with....

[Bryon]

....Gusto.

Now Gusto comes from a neighbouring Rissole and was only visiting when she got caught up in the melee.

Never before had she seen a man shy away from a bunch of good looking women who wanted to use his body (except for when Bone had started to bat for the other team ((NTTIAWWT)) and with her false teeth in her purse, she was determined to............

[hihosland]

..............find something soft to munch on, with this in mind she snaffled Cappy's last remaining bottle of snaitizer and.............

[turboplanner]

........snaitizered her clothes, her shoes, her hair, her hands, her face, and then snaitizered the dog, the budgie and....

[onetrack]

.....the turboencabulator on the nearby Super Drifter, thus increasing the power output by another 15%. "I've never seen anything like that snaitizer before!", exclaimed Turbo.

"That stuff is amazing! I must find out the formula and see if it's patented! There could be a very large and productive opening here for Turbine Enterprises!".

"You ain't seen nuthin' yet!", said Cappy, doing his best Hollywood imitation drawl (as he always had dreams of becoming a Hollywood Star. As it was, the closest he'd ever got to stardom was when he was fronted in the street by a Channel 9 camera crew, asking if he'd seen the criminals running from the scene).

"That snaitizer lotion can be used to cure COVID-19 cases, 100%! I haven't let the CMO of Australia know yet, as I need to finish the testing, and see if it also......

[turboplanner]

.......knocks out the oxymorons around the place.

The tests were successful, and the Captain started recording his own ads and broadcasting from home. He was dressed as a pirate (which NES readers would realise was the most appropriate dress he'd ever worn.

With a suitable gravelly voice the ad expounded of the virus killer "Snaitizer" with the tag lines "Not just hand Sanister, you can DRINK it and kill the bug!". It was selling for 99 cents a bottle plus postage (which was $11.48), with the second tag line "50% of proceeds going to Charity"

Charity of course was his old Commodore Ute which was filling up fast.

His third tag line "TGA approved." It wasn't of course, nothing ever was in Cappy's snake oil life.

It wasn't long before he received a visit from a TGA Inspector, and they are nasty bastards.[CASA ref]

The TGA Inspector...........................

[hihosland]

..............took one look at Cappy's COG (avref) and immediately declared him to out of balance (as many refs as an AFL final) with a grounding, a social isolation and a good talking to taking immediate effect. The boys 'n girls in blue were summoned and herded Cappy off to a isolation hotel where Cappy was somewhat distressed to discover that "room service" meant nothing .....................

[turboplanner]

.......more than knocking on the door and saying: "Excuse me Sir, are you still alive?"

It could be worse though; One moring Captain asked "What's that noise like car tyres screeching. and clanking"

"If we get a Negative" [averf] said the bellhop "we come in with Haz suits, grab the body and chuck it down the fire chute, where it slides into a dumpster."

For once the Captain was lost for words, and .........................

[Captain]

...…….. seemed to immediately draw some conclusion that the Captain Morgan Rum advert was relevant.

 

Nobody had previously done that so nobody knew that our very own Skipper had licenced his name to, and had written the very tricky dialogue for, the Captain, Captain, Captain advert campaign.

 

Turdbro had missed a glaring opportunity to have a Turdy, Turd, Turd, Turdbro McTurdy advert which would have increased his profile even further.

 

However Salty (who has been more in attendance in the NES over recent days than in the previous 12 months) must have received a pass-out from the nursing home and ………...…..

 

[turboplanner]

....scribbled a Sing, Sing, Sing commercial for his group the Four NursingHome Preps ©, whose day was divided between racing for the dining room when the bell went, and singing old songs to entertain the customers, who frequently requested Al Jolson numbers, especially Een.

 

 

Video of the FNHP in action with Brine on the left.

Note the grimace as he tries to reach the high notes (which sadly flew out his window in 1954) at 1:21, just before that great old song Big Man, where Loxie loses his teeth (the shot had to be edited out on the grounds that it could distress some people).

Turbo on the flute and Captain on piano, showing his slick fingers. Later that night he was caught with his hand in the strings.

 

[Captain]

AND THE NES STOPS AGAIN.

 

BUT WORRY NOT DEAR READER AS YOUR CAPTAIN HAS SENT TURBINE INDUSTRIES AN AUTHORITY TO UNDERTAKE A FULL-STOP CAPITAL RAISING, AND WITH CAPPY'S SUPPORT (AND UNDERWRITING GUARANTEE) THE NAB HAVE AGREED TO PROVIDE TI WITH 1 MILLION FULL STOPS, BUT SPECIFICALLY LIMITING THEIR USE TO WITHIN THE NES.

 

For our thousands of NES readers and for our hundreds of NES contributors, the Skipper can also disclose that Turbo was a member of a swing band when at school and they were originally known as the Four XXXXs ...……… but after several creativity disputes within the band, they changed their name to The 3 Good Blokes & 1 XXXX. (The 3 Good Blokes went on to form the Salvation Army & a couple of Children's Charities, while that single XXXX went on to great heights in the NES).

[Captain]

....scribbled a Sing, Sing, Sing commercial for his group the Four NursingHome Preps ©, whose day was divided between racing for the dining room when the bell went, and singing old songs to entertain the customers, who frequently requested Al Jolson numbers, especially Een, ………. (these 10 dots were donated by the Skipper in order for the NES to continue)

...…………………… who, like the Justin Trudeau kiddie, was into black-face, but much worse than that, was a …………………..

 

JUSTIN T, IMPERSONATING EEEEN, IMPERSONATING TURDBRO, WHO WAS IMPERSONATING KAMAL,

IMPERSONATING ERNIE DINGO, IMPERSONATING DAVID GULPILIL, IMPERSONATING SALTY,

IMPERSONATING MAHATMA GANDI WHO WAS DOING A VERY GOOD IMPRESSION OF ROBERT MUGABE.

 

Edited March 31, 2020 by Captain