The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

.........a leak by Turbine Press which ran a story about five Chinese dissidents, Charlie Hi Ho, Wing Fat Bri, Wun Tak, Bak Bone and Crappy Cooky who had been cruising the country buying up Toilet Paper and Masks and sending them back to the People's Republic. This had enraged the resident of Orange, Parkes, Forbes, Bairnsdale, Castlemaine, Bendigo, Culgo, Vite Vite, Ballarat, Camperdown, Maount Gambier, Bordertown, and Port Ausgusta, whose residents were reduced to hopefully sticking their heads out of the dunny door, but would be shortly banding together in arms with a resolve which would make Gallipoli Veterans look like sleep walkers, and their target would be those five Chinese. Turbo would have escaped once again and ......

……….. gone into hiding with Mavis and Glad for a fortnight of self isolation and regular injections while playing Doctors and Nurses (or Pilots and Cabin Crew (avref)) in Tink's waterside mansion in Port Ausgusta (or his other joint on the river near Salty's castle at Remnark), which the Border Force couldn't locate on any map, because ………….

[turboplanner]

......they didn't realise there was a town called Remnark.

Not many people know that Renmark was founded on the Murray by the South Australian Government to hide the dark secret of the original town of Remnark, where Salty's ancestors live for generations, his father Old Brine, being a Yabby butcher who made his , money from the passing Cobb&Co tourist trade, bullocky's who wanted to eat anything but salted beef, and Cannabis smugglers.

Loxie's father "Stocksie" was also a resident of Remnark where he used to bolt the likes of Cappy's father, Turbo's father, bull's father and Planey's grandfater into the stock so they could be pelted with the oranges grown in the fledgling orchards for crimes such as not practising self-isolation, .........

[Captain]

……….. and where Brine still wears an ankle bracelet to atone for the crimes of his grandfather.

 

Turdy always feel at home in Remnark because of the similarity of his personality to the 2nd syllable.

 

The rest of the NES readers, being 1,684 in number, all kicked the tin and donated for Turbo to subscribe to a new spellchecker for his steam-driven computer, where the original spell checkers has either died of old age (turboref) or gone into isolation just so as not having to read and check his tiresome (but dymanic) ……….

[Captain]

Salty's ankle bracelet interferes with the fuel tank selector when he applies full left rudder, so that he is then in danger of doing a "John Denver" (sickavref). (Singing "Grandma's Feather Bed" as he goes down (evensickeravref)).

 

And how twisted and perverted is it that Brine tucks the antenna up into his undies? Erky Perky.

 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Captain

[Bryon]

Cappy knows that pictures of Brine in a state of undress (as shown above) will excite Mavis and the rest of the ladies from the various Rissoles.

This is a deliberate ploy to divert the attention from his nefarious activities (and gives the girls a thrill)

Meanwhile, Turdbro is still reading post 12,228 and formulating a cunning plan to bring Cappy undone

[turboplanner]

.......prose. (Through ESP or some other Shama induced trance Brine managed to guess that Turbo was REading #12,228, and tossing up between writing a retort to the Captain or going around to his place and cutting his balls off, but he would be in a gin-imposed stupor about this time of night.

Remnark is on the Murray about 15 miles upstream of Renmark, and some NES readers would have visited the Remnark Gliding Club, and had the crap scared out of them by some of the loops, wingovers and dutch rolls performed by the inmates of "Rem" which the locals use to refer to this hidden gem of a town, to set it apart from the Sh!thole down the river.

 

Renmark had been a promising town where graziers and cockies went to retire after a lifetime of raising sheep or wheat, but it suffered terribly when Turbo Senior, started a possum farm and gin distillery on a hidden tributary of the Murray downstream from Remnark, but unfortunately upstream from Renmark. No one could pinpoint the cause of Renmark's water developing a bitter taste. Not being the sharpest tools in the drawer they blamed it on a Wattle Bark processing plant and sheep wash at Gurra Gurra.

 

Remnark of course was the town where the first powered flight took place in the world, a decade before the Wright Bros did their thing. Gliding had been going on at the airfield since the early 1800s, after Ebenezer Lock (1762-1847) invented a working glider to use on his farm for stock mustering and checking bores. Ta Lee Ho (grandfather of Hi Ho) was playing around with his Harley one day. Half the parts were missing as usual and he couldn't get wheel bearings, so he thought "What if I put the old Harley into the glider?", and said to himself "I could!" and the rest was history, or would have been except everyone from Remnark got used to Ta Lee Ho flying around mustering his cattle and checking his bores, and no one thought to tell the newspapers (a common problem even today).

 

One morning, which was particularly cold in Remnark......

[hihosland]

........The Harley did what Harleys do coughed, farted, snorted and settled into an ungodly but totally unproductive roar. Ta Lee Ho grabbed his log book (avref) but was completely stymed with thumbnail firmly stuck in the frozen tar, no problem thought he heading towards a warm stream issuing from South end of North bound cow.

Just as the tar was starting to soften the Harley did what Harleys do and bumped up the revs and the decibels causing the glider to lift first the port then the starboard wings and..................

[Captain]

…...… settled back down, because it was time to spend 4 hours cleaning & polishing the engine again.

 

This triggered that unique Turbo brain again when he evaluated the number of professionals that own Harleys, where the majority (90% of the 27,000 annual sales) are tax accountants (most working for H&R Black and the RTO) who are going through men-o-pause and leathering up for an imagined bad-boy image (the wildest thing any had done previously was to cut out an ingoing toenail and to use butter that was 2 days out of date).

 

Turbo has a great affinity with these bad-boy beancounters (BBB's), due to his often espoused ………...

Edited April 4, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........Stairway to Profits Course where he teaches them how to handle difficult customers like the Captain who always manages to extract his money at a profit while conveniently forgetting to pay his fee.

It has been said that there are more Harley parts lining the sides of the Hume Highway than empty VB stubbies and it was the Captain who came up with the idea of collecting the Harley parts, building complete bikes out of them and selling them to the rich and famous, who, as soon as they passed their licence would hit the road for an interstate ride....down the Hume highway.....yes, you know where we are going......and distribute the parts along the way again. That was until........

[Captain]

…….. Tink's STP Course was linked back to a Hamas based funding initiative and a connection was even identified directly between Turbine Enterprises and the Bedlinen Conglomerate that was so well known for their Harley spare parts scam, which ...……….

Edited April 4, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......had driven a stake into the heart of the Hells Angels who for a short time had to resort to riding BMX bikes to the various functions like comparing tattoos, How to Pick a Dentist championships, and How to greet a Police Officer, but ......

[onetrack]

....in the meantime, STP was providing new, supposedly genuine Harley parts in STP boxes - but they were actually made in 3rd world locations, such as Pakistan, Afghanistan, Turkistan, Waggastan, Moorabbistan and Melburnistan.

What raised suspicion was the boxes were marked STP - but they were actually secondhand STP lubricant additive boxes, recycled from an Afghanistan rubbish tip, by a long-lost relation of Cappys, one Mustafa ShXX.

The Harley owners were outraged when they realised their parts were ersatz, and especially poor manufacture - as witnessed by the hand file marks on the new pistons.

They gathered together as a group and decided to confront Turbo at STP Headquarters - but Turbo heard they were coming (he couldn't not have heard them, you can hear any Harley from 16kms away), and he quickly made plans to.....

[turboplanner]

........unscramble OT's double negative and go for a round of golf. He told his security detail headed by Hafa Minit to take whatever steps were necessary to send the bikies on their way.

At the gold course OT greeted him with a hissing, tortured, rasping voice. Turbo reared back 1.5 metres in horror. "You haven't got Covid-19 have you?" he illuced. SSSNo, rasped OT, I came out earlier with the wife to play a round. She hit the ball over the fence into that paddock, and we were searching for ten minutes for the ball. Finally I saw it jammed in the north end of a southbound cow. I yelled "Hey love, that looks like yours" and she hit me in the throat with a five iron. I.....

[hihosland]

........................a five iron manufactured to the highest QT standards in the Turbo Enterprises' mega facrory in the backblocks of Neverheardofitstan and it duly flexed warped and wrapped itself back around OT's goiterous neck causing him ( truly a him?) some agony, angst and a sudden lack of interest in the anchient game of golf as well as all thoughts of...........,

[Captain]

……. At the gold course …...

It is a well known fact that your beloved Skipper is involved in the mining caper and is in SA searching for gold ……………… and Cappy says "Bugger me, Turdy has already identified where it is. I'm so glad I am his best mate".

[onetrack]

And as it happened - OT, being an old W.A. Goldfields gold miner from way back, actually was on the Gold Course, looking for Gold, as he regularly does. But Turbo, being the office jockey that he is, thought he was on a Golf Course.

This is something that happens on a regular basis, when you're on a Gold Course, and looking for Gold - city slickers turn up, thinking the smooth areas where the Gold is largely found, are Golf Greens, and pull out Golf Clubs - instead of picks and shovels and dollypots and gold panning dishes.

But OT, being the easy-going type, lets these greenhorns fool around with their little white balls and Golf Clubs, while OT goes quietly about scooping up the gold-bearing material and sieving out the Gold, and getting rich enough to make a takeover offer for Boeing, in its distressed state.

It was during one of these quiet Gold-recovery operations, that OT found the historical remains of......

[turboplanner]

.......the aircraft that Sir Charles Kingsford Smith [lost aviator ref] had been trying to fly back to Australia when he disappeared.

Scribbled on an old notebook were the words "Next trip bring more XXXXXXX GPS batteries", and "believe we are in Bali, going to look for a bar"

But they were closer to Marble Bar.

OT was faced with a terrible dilemma; should he...........

[Captain]

...... notify the authorities of the find in order to have it preserved as a vital national monument to our brave pioneers or should he cut the aircraft, the GPS batteries, the note and a couple of human remains (& Sir Charles' pet dog) up into saleable souvenir chunks (his favourite is a 80 mm diameter snow globe type plastic ball on a cheap plastic base but containing a small piece of the remains plus dust from around the crash site instead of snow).

 

Of course, he (what a bounder) chose the souvenir route and fired up his angle grinder to .........

Edited April 4, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........begin the process, but who should be driving past in her 1978 Land Cruiser but Constable Doubtfire, who....

[hihosland]

...........had a generous supply of XXXXXXXX GPS batteries and an even more generous supply of WTF OT? attitude ;

She immediately demanded to know WTF OT thought he was going to do with an angle grinder 274nauticals from the nearest power supply.

 

"No problem" avers OT with those XXXXXXXX batteries of yours we can kick start the turboencabulator which in turn will power the angle grinder with which we can then make ourselves a fortune.

 

"Did someone mention fortune?" asks the honourable constable scratching ...................

[turboplanner]

........her scaly arms.

OT explained the process of cutting up the pieces, and in a nanosecond Doubtfire had pulled the tyre irons out of the old Landcruiser and was dicing a wing into small pieces.

We'll use your Land Cruiser to transport the bits to a packing facility and Doubtfire growled approval; she was dreaming of a new V8 Sahara with.....

[Captain]

........... a full length roof rack, complete with landing (avref) lights and piano keys, and with a Thruster tied down, but with quick release (QR) clips ready for instant action.

 

Doubtfire was also dreaming of a thruster in the back seat (titbs) as it had been a while (missingoutref), so she started to pack her share of the souvenirs and ..................

[hihosland]

.............. and headed off armed with great expectations in the direction of the nearest B&S ball.

Unfortunately for Doubtfire Mavis had got there first with her own collection of souveniers gathered from the scattered remains of Turbo's turbenoencabulator-enhanced Harley after it had had that memorable altercation with a wondering chocolate bilby out searching for Easter..................

[turboplanner]

..........., but there wasn't going to be an Easter this year. The Chief Medical Officer advised that Easter had been deferred until Christmas, and added, and that's going to be a hell of a celebration!

Mavis and Verity Doubtfire both arrived early and set up stalls for the souvenirs.

It was clear that neither of them had any idea what a BNS Ball was. The ballroom dancing had been dispensed with in the early 1970s after it became obvious that no one knew how to dance. That meant the expensive City band could be dispensed with, and THAT meant more keys to go through the night and next day. This was explained to the two ladies, but Verity arced up, got dressed in her Uniform, and descended glowering on the mob. Loxie (who had been allowed in under the "Senior" class, who were only supposed to watch) made his fatal mistake when he........

[Captain]

Loxie (who had been allowed in under the "Senior" class, who were only supposed to watch) made his fatal mistake when he........

...……… , in all his usual innocence, raised the issue of Easter being moved to Christmas, and he launched in with some contentious statements like "How are the kids in sunday school going to wrestle with Jesus being borne and dying in the same week. That is going to mess with their heads more that the Covid shutdown will, and even more important, the Cadbury chocky bunnies will be past their useby date and even more stale than the WW2 rations that we were still being issued with in 1965."

 

The new Eastmas celebrations were addressed by the various churches by ..................