The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

'Water, water everywhere" he used to mumble "And not enough to wash with." and when he would close the canopy of the Sportstar, all that could be seen was the cabin full of yellowish hair and a beard full of last week's breakfast.

 

Ahlox was always a sad sight, but during this time of his despair, even his best loyal mates, The Skipper and Turbo, thought of giving him the flick.

 

"He's a dick" Turbo would say over and over again, both in person and during their encrypted What's App business discussions. "No, Tink, give him time, he's a good guy and because we have been mates for 40 years we need to stick by him no matter what." the Captain would say loyally, ....................... but in the end Turdy was right.

[turboplanner]

................Loxie had to go. The problem was, who was going to tell him. Anyone can see by the above picture of him with that surly mouth under the beard/breakfast, that it wouldn't end well. And Loxie was a fairy firey, and they are always fighting. Maybe we should just put a sticker on his car "Fierys need Fumigating" said Hi Ho tentatively, "although ......"

[Captain]

………. there was already one on his car and on the empennage of his Beercan which said "Firies are XXXXwits" (those were both put there by his sister), but more concerning was the sticker on his Merc that said "Locksmiths are …........

[Captain]

………. there was already one on his car and on the empennage of his Beercan which said "Firies are XXXXwits" (those were both put there by his sister), but more concerning was the sticker on his Merc that said "Locksmiths are …........

……. long-haired, louse (of the order Phthiraptera) ridden, loquacious lickspittles" and that really stung Ahlo, as it was stuck on by his ...…………….

Edited April 7, 2020 by Captain

[Captain]

…...…… mum and seconded by his wife, his nippers and his goombah.

 

This shocked all at the Gumly Gumly Rissole, where Robin of Loxley had until this time been (wrongly) held in high esteem, but not as high as ……………..

[turboplanner]

.....the Mayor of Gumly Gumly, Mr Frantic Bingle, who was never short of a word. Hearing his best friend being insulted as a LICKspittle prompted him go straight onto the web for inspiration, and he hit, in his opinion, paydirt. "Did you know, friends, that potato farmers in Russia predominantly grow long toenails and ............

[hihosland]

............... stuff all potatoes. Given the nutritional value of long toe nails the afore said potato farmers are a rather slim and miserable lot, not given to fore lock tugging in the presence of lickspittles even those who arrive in turbo enhanced Drifters full of themselves and boasting of their adventures and achievements at the pink Questa Casa,.

Being rather poorly in the casa department and totally devoid of anything pink, when they heard of Mayor Bingle's tingle they merely shrugged and...........,

[onetrack]

.... said, "Well, that's aviation (avref) for you! Always looking for a way out of a tight spot!" Meantimes, talking of tight spots, it appeared that Cappy had brought back some souvenirs of his time in Kalgoorlie.

One of them was a pair of tight leotards with spots all over them - and Cappy got excited, just looking at the leotards - let alone sniffing them, and trying them on!

But he was rudely interrupted in his leotard dreams, by Turbo flinging the door open and bursting in - making Cappy hurriedly stuff the leotards under his pillow, for future enjoyment.

 

"Cappy! Get your flying (avref) gear on! We have to be in Canberra tonight! The PM has asked me to contribute my valuable advice with regard to this pandemic!"

"He knows I have the skills set, the contacts, and the transport knowledge to assist in getting the economy back on its feet! - plus there's money in it for us, too!"

Did you say MONEY!", squeaked Cappy. "Count me in, what are we taking? - a twin Comanche?" (avref) "Not a hope, replied Turbo. "We only have the turboencabulated Drifter, so we need to......

[turboplanner]

.........make sure the rats haven't eaten anything and the rain hasn't seeped into the gascolator, and most of all that the bores haven't rusted up.

"Yes, particularly the bores" he said. Turbo looked at him as if he'd just crapped on the carpet. "There's only one person around here who whines about rusty bores and he's asleep. You squirt WD40 in the plug hole, it pumps out slightly brown liquid, you start the engine, and off you go. What could be harder than that?"

"When ..............."

[Captain]

AS AN ASIDE …...…...

 

With OT resident in WA, which everyone else knows as "The Far Eastern Transvaal" and it's capital of Perthesburg, all NESers can appreciate that Turbo is really having a dig at the rusty "Boars", who now outnumber the Skippies, who are in withdrawal as they haven't jailed a Tembu or bashed a Zulu for years, and who have spent considerable time lying low while taking over Peppermint Grove (now renamed Peppermunt Kopse where the predominant language is Afrikaans), but given the present virus shutdown, they have now made their move and mobilised in an offensive line between Leonora and Esperance for a 2020-2021 rerun of the 1880-1881 Transvaal Rebellion.

 

Turbo, always in need of egotistical fulfillment, has therefore immediately gone to the Melbournistan Costume Hire & Boar War Reenactment Joint (MRH&BWRJ) in order to take his place as the 21st century Turbo Morant. (Captain is more your young Winston Churchill and will not stick his head up until the rerun of WW2).

 

Don't say I didn't warn you ......... rule 303 and all that.

Edited April 8, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......Turbo Morant read the last post in his driveway, he stood to attention then gave a General Salute in memory of his brother Breaker Morant.

Captain, who was a Lance Corporal then looking for a boil, told the Australian journalists who were covering the story of how Field Marshal Kitchener changed his story about his Orders and sat back while Breaker was shot by a firing squad, that Breaker got his name from breaking wild brumbies, and the family is ever-grateful for that boost to his CV, but the truth is he got that name because he was always breaking Turbo Moran's toys. Every Star wars figure was broken in half, the Millenium Falcon squashed under the forge, and all his DVDs snapped in half, including a mint copy of Daisy does Denver. Nevertheless, Breaker was a hero, castrating the Acting President of the Orange Free State, Christiaan de Wet with a pocket knife, five miles north of Bloemfontein, after rolling his horse on him to hold him down. Not many people know that the term "Wet" came from this man, who didn't put up a fight while Breaker was wielding his knife. The site, a small hill is now named Wet Kopje.

Field Marshal Kitchener died and was listed as KIA, drowning. Some people say it's very unusual to be listed as KIA when all you did was go for a swim, but who are we to ................

[hihosland]

.................criticize an Australian PM, especially one with a swimming pool named after him.

Turbo after visiting that aquatic edifice saw yet another potential money making venture and Drifted off to ye grand ol USA with plans for the JFK shooting gallery complete with a row of pink doors with the targets affixed.

 

Due to a slight timing confusion the US of A was in a state of lock down when he finally arrived at the front of the immigration queue at LA's Tom Bradley terminal where he was asked in a most polite manner (bs ref) to place his fingers on the fingerprint reader. 'twas then that the bells started ringing and 6 officers sporting a meedly of 7 flashy uniforms and brandishing 8 assorted weapons and one well licked ball point pen and announced in turn...

"having just arrived from South Africa you shall forthwith self isolate for 14 days,

" having turboencabulator-burned finger prints you shall follow me

" being a Morant you are a banned person so it's off to Qunataninmo for you

" for breaking a Star Wars icon, it's a light sabre up the kyber for you

at which point and with still two official proclamations to go Turbo elected to ..................

[turboplanner]

.......plead the fifth and pull out his Trump card. The Border Patrol of the United States of America Guards didn't flinch so Turbo said "That's his private line, give him a call and see how your promotion ambitions pan out. The Border guards smirked as they fingered their triggers, but one, with a slight constriction of the scrotum said, We'll give it a try and after dialling it was clear that something was wrong, and Turbo heard the last words "Put him on" The President said "I'm very sorry about that Turbo, I just fired them, they'll be walking the Border Wall at San Ysidro next week. Wait there and I'll come down and pick you up; you'll have dinner with Melania and I of course, and stay in the spare room. He was at the Airport Immigration entrance in minutes. An elderly couple were walking up. The wife said who's that tall man with the ridiculous orange hair (they were from Iowa).

"I don't know who that guy is" replied the husband, but he's talking to Turbo."

That night in the White House Turbo mentioned that the Captain sent his kindest regards (Turbo always remembers his friends), and wished him every success with the current coronavirus crisis). "He's an ass-licker responded the President, but at least he can play......."

[onetrack]

.... the fool properly, when it suits him. Ah gotta admit, I like a man like that, though!" At that, Turbo thought it wise to turn the conversation to something different, in case Cappy rang, and got an invite to the White House, too.

"So tell me, President Turbo, hows this Chinese virus hitting the Ostralian eeconomy?" "Ummm, we don't have an Australian President as a leader, and I'm not Australia's leader, anyway - just an adviser!", said Turbo nervously.

 

"What!", said the Donald. "You mean to say, I thought I was talking to Ostralias leader? - what do ya call him? - First Minister or sumthin'? - and I'm not?? Dang, how did this happen? I've just been wasting my time here!!"

"Git this guy outta here!!", roared the Donald. "He's been posturing as Australias First Minister or whatever he's called!" At that, 6 burly Secret Service blokes grabbed Turbo, and unceremoniously turfed him out onto Pennsylvania Avenue.

 

"Well, that impersonation was good while it lasted", said Turbo, dusting himself off. "But it's a darned shame I didn't get a photo with the Donald, while I was in there!"

Right about then, a tough-looking Capitol Police trooper walked up to Turbo and said, "Buddy, you'd better have good reason to be......

[turboplanner]

......wearing the President's favourite Smoking Jacket. Well what could Turbo say? "I........

[hihosland]

'... feel a Wuhan coughing fit coming on can I borrow your hankie?

Nothing short of non starting Harley shatters a Capital Trooper's equanimity like a threatened Wuhan coughing fit and he immediately excecuted a smart reversal of direction and barreled into a passing black 4WD festooned with an echidna array of aerials and left the scene.

 

Turbo feeling rather elated and mildly excited eventually realised that the excitement was coming from a small vibration in his pocket an indication that Cappy still had his mobile number on speed dial and was at that moment trying to ..............

[Captain]

...... give him a bell, as The Skipper had one of the business initiatives of all time, for he had made a series of purchases in the US while the economy is down and also in response to the US's love for rifles, Cappy has registered the name "Dealey Plaza Shooting Gallery", he has taken a 99 year lease on the Book Suppository, had bought a uteload of Carcano rifles and hired a heap of Afghans who look like JFK (at a pinch), with Mavis playing the part of Jacki and bull as the Governor bloke who also got a hole in him.

 

Heidi has agreed to be the security bloke on the boot, Salty will drive the car and Planey will ride one of the Harleys (so there is a 2nd target of opportunity). Eeeen can lol about on the Grassy knoll if he feels so inclined.

 

"Don's in, and so is Jeffy B, Billy G, Onesie T and Georgey S, so how about you Tink?"

 

"If you kick the can, old mate, you can even have 1st s...........

Edited April 8, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

"......slot beside JFK at Arlington University."

Turbo rejected that at first because for all the conspiracy theories floating around no one had ever uncovered what really happened,

Before the Dallas parade Lyndon had come to JFK's Hotel. "Jack, can't I go in the limo once before the election" Noticing the tears rolling down LBJ's cheeks, JFK weakened and gave him the rubber mask he normally gave a security guy when he needed people to think he'd gone out. So it was LBJ who was killed in Dallas. JFK had a rushed plastic surgery on AF1 and was sworn in as LBJ, and is the only President to serve three terms.

 

He'd never told Cappy because the CIA had discovered that Turbo. They'd taken him to a suburban house on Taos, New Mexico, and when Turbo walked in the front door and saw the plastic over the carpet and plastic sheets sealed with duct tape hanging down the walls he knew what was about to happen and cut a deal that he would never tell provided they made him an Agent. [NES readers are asked not to divulge this information publicly.

 

So he had to take the slot and go along with the crazy plan.

 

The Afghan on the right (hereinafter known as the Right Afghan) stepped forward, raised his.......

[hihosland]

left arm,

the right holding the MarkII Jack Ruby Turbo-eliminator he kept out of sight until .......

[Captain]

left arm,

the right holding the MarkII Jack Ruby Turbo-eliminator he kept out of sight until .......

……….. Jack, Lee & Jimmy Hoffa can get a flight back from Cuba where they have been hidden away in a witness relocation program, before ...……...….

[turboplanner]

.........ultimately becoming a Holywood Playboy, Governor of California and Mayor of what's left of New York respectively.

"I don't want is asserted (and if you've heard him talk you know what that means) Jimmy, it's become the sh!thole of the world"

"That's why we gave you that job" said Jack, smirking, and what's more..................

[Captain]

………. , let's stay in touch (partofanavref), as while you sort our NYC, I'm heading down to OZ to sort out the homeless on the streets of Moorabin, which has many of the same issues as New York (including a grating local dialect) and the Turbine Industries high-rise Tower (known locally as the TIT, ..... which Turbo can be a bit of a one of too) that has been mentioned a few times in the ISIS World's Top 10 Target List (IWTTTL), but worry not, as the Jack Ruby technique of …………......

[onetrack]

....taking a rising problem into his own hands, is one that Turbo practises quite regularly, which results in great relief - to all concerned. Meantimes, Cappy was feeling left out of all the international action.

"How come you got to go to the U.S., when there's an international travel ban on?", wailed Cappy. "Because people of my standing can make and break the rules", replied Turbo loftily.

Just then, Turbo coughed. It didn't sound good, it was a dry cough, and he had a raspy sore throat with it. Cappy reached for his no-touch infra-red thermometer, and pointed it at Turbos forehead.

Turbo, recently returned from the Land of The Gun, thought Cappy had lost it, and gone off the deep end, and had pulled a 40 cal Glock on him. He crash-tackled Cappy, and brought him down......

[hihosland]

... "don't you Pell me!!!" barked Cappy gripping the thermometer in both hands and driving it into a rather vital area,

 

Turbo doubled over, executed his pest parachutist's shoulder roll, (historic avref) and lunged out with his left foot connecting Cappy's left foot and they both proceeded to roll entangled at an ever gathering speed down.....................

[Captain]

...... On seeing the tangled intertwined bodies of Turdy & the Skipper, Planey became aroused ..... but that is another story.