The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.............Mask to hide the tongue lolling out the side of his jaw. It made him look like.........................

[hihosland]

a refugee from wharenui

complete with toy toi-toi dripping chocolate of a very suspicious consistency, causing Mavis in disgust to..............

[turboplanner]

.......say to him. "If you can't stop your toi toi dripping chocolate, go and clean yourself up you dirty man."

It wasn't that she just said it, but she said at the South Wagga Yacht Club in front of the Commodore. Captain's reputation was ruined with a Capital P. The saddest part was that the melting chocolate came from a huge pack of chocolate easter eggs that he was carrying for the children in the Wagga Wagga Base Hospital. The reason they were strapped around his waist, was that he had supplied them for the last ten years anonymously, and this was the only way to get them into the hospital without a smart alec comment from some local busybody. It wad worked up until now; he was fat anyway so no one had noticed the bulge. And now that XXXXXXX old Mavis who should have been put out to pasture with the rest of the old cows had .........

[Captain]

It had worked up until now; he was fat anyway so no one had noticed the bulge, because the delightful Captain was still as fit as he was when he was 26 (and had numerous glorious bulges that all the ladies and some gents (nttiawwt & just a little erky perky) really liked to touch) and when he fought for the heavyweight crown and was beaten (barely) on pointh by Mike Tython.

 

And now that XXXXXXX old Mavis, who should have been put out to pasture with the rest of the old cows, had .........

 

………. taken out a franchise to open a Wet Market on the outskirts of Moorabistan, which was considered the most likely place for this to work well in Mextoria under the Andrews Police State regulations.

 

She was proud of her clever name of "Mave's Wet Market" (MWM) because Mavis had been on the "market" for several decades plus she was occasionally the other.

 

Although, as was soon exposed, there had been no mention that the entire enterprise was underwritten by Turb's Turbine Industries ...… yet it soon became known from legal searches that enquired as to who it was that actually registered the name ................. and you wouldn't want to know that after a bit of a legal battle, up popped Turbo but disguised by using his porn acting name (It has actually been a few years since he had been able to pop up voluntarily).

 

Next it was noted in all National broad sheets and on the MWM Facebook page that Mavis was advertising for suppliers of Flying Foxes, Pythons, Eastern Browns, Labradors and various types of Moggies. (Mave just used the Woolies and Cole's supplier contracts and crossed our the W and Down Down logos and substituted MWM) then added a few ……………….

Edited April 13, 2020 by Captain

[onetrack]

...... additional lines that included references from good customers such as the Captain, who was well known for his weird obsession, as regards collecting all kinds of native wildlife, and stuffing them, and putting them on display in shopping centres - without approval of course, because Cappy believed he didn't need approval, the public would just love his displays.

 

It was while he was setting up the Stuffed Bat that he was apprehended by two burly security guards. In fact, he wasn't just apprehended, he was crash-tackled to the ground and held there while the Police were called.

When the Plods arrived, it was immediately obvious to them, in the middle of a Coronavirus pandemic, the sight of a large Stuffed Bat was enough to give even the most hardened Coles shopper, the heebie-jeebies.

 

"I thought he was starting to set up a Wuhan Food Hall!", exclaimed Mabel from Marrickville, who refused to give her surname to the nosey TV journo who had just arrived, after being alerted by a passer-by.

So, Mabel", said the journo, preening her hair and checking her lipstick surreptitiously, as the cameras started to roll, "What was your reaction when this weirdo started setting up this Stuffed Bat? Were you scared?"

 

"Scared?", said Mabel, clipping her 5 yr old on the ear, as he shoved his face in front of the camera, "I thought he was going to infect us all with some kinda Chineez Bat disease! - you know?"

"He looks pretty suss as it is, without setting up a ginormous great stuffed Bat, and frightenin' us all witless!!" "Oh, I see", said the gormless interviewer, "Now, how do you think this episode has affected your young son here - what's his name?"

 

"Oh, he's gunna have nightmares about this, nuthin' surer", said Mabel, ignoring the journos request for her sons name. I think I'll hafta see a lawyer or sumfing, see if I can get some compensation for this awful fright!"

"Oh my!" said the journo, her eyes widening, "Do you think..........

[turboplanner]

:......you could make some money? I'm feeling a little thcared too."

Mavis suddenly realised she was speaking to Ita Mattress who had been busted back to journalist after too many gins and long lunches at the top, with, as it turns out, Cappy.

He had managed to keep it a secret from all the NES contributors, and at the NES Content Meetings where the writers discussed juicy subjects, when Ita's name came up as a classic bigger than life story, Cappy had quietly charmed everyone around to forgetting about is and focused everyone on a story about a tunnel.

"I've been suspicious about Cappy" said Turbo "we gave him a turbocharged Drifter to show off in, and he virtually ignored it, then there was the story...............

[Captain]

………… about him in his younger days, when Kerry and Ita were caught with the Skipper in a …………...……….

[turboplanner]

........Polo match gone wrong.............

[Captain]

........Polo match gone wrong.............

…….. when one of the horses saw Ita and ………..

[turboplanner]

......recognised a fellow......

[hihosland]

... pony tail tale, And chucking Cappy for a chukka chucker clear over the bookies' tent galloped over to Ida nuzzeling where Cappy could only dream and then quietly allowed Ita to lead off in the direction of.............

[Captain]

...……. a wooded copse where they could ………...

[onetrack]

.....sit and discuss their chances of ever becoming people of influence once again. Cappy wailed, "No-one takes any notice of me any more! I'm just irrelevant now, in the overall scheme of things!"

"I wish I could still command the audience I once did, who I could hold spellbound with my speeches, and have them begging for my autograph!"

 

"Yeah, me too", said Ita. "I miss being able to guide 5 million Australian women towards the kitchen, and clothing stores, as they all should still be doing! No wonder the economy is a mess!"

"It's all the fault of this smartphone generation!", moaned Cappy. "I don't know what we're going to do about........

[hihosland]

Getting the women back in the kitchen, especially in light of what happened when I suggested it to Mavis at the bns ball.

Things can only get worse now that Turbo has joined up with you know who to spread the corona virus via the new 5g network in which he....

[Captain]

……………. he and Turbine Enterprises are the controlling shareholder.

 

"Gggggeeee" (5Gjokeref) said OT "Tubb is bigger than Telstra".

 

"Don't worry about Telstra" said Turbo to all his mates in the NES "Turbine Enterprises has just made a Part 5 takeover off for them and we'll be renaming them ……...

[turboplanner]

..........the PMG, hoping to pick up the pre-millenial market we lost when that jackass [deleted, my Party reference Mod 9] changed the [deleted Mod 9] to save the [deleted Mod 9] of [deleted Mod 9]. This reanming will alow us to release a pent up demand for round dials and wall mounted phones, and we hope to mobilise millenial customers into a more relaxing lifestyle, becaise they're all looking stuffed already, and ..........

[onetrack]

......everyone knows stuffed customers, is not a good look".

 

However, the board of directors refused to accept Turbines recommended renaming, choosing "Turdstra" instead, in recognition of their outstanding customer service and Turbines involvement.

 

"But what about my involvement?", complained Cappy. "I deserve some recognition here, after all I've been craving recognition for decades, and haven't got it yet!"

 

"Well, I did think about including your name somewhere", said a miffed Turbine - "But there were major stumbling blocks to acceptance of a name involving.......

[turboplanner]

"........TuXXX, but after thinking about Captain, I think we should go for Colonel Blimp Telephone Coy, and Ors Ltd as a mark of respect to ..........

[Captain]

………… but then dear readers, Turbo stopped daydreaming and remembered that he doesn't have respect for anybody (or Planey).

 

And what's more he recalled, through his alcoholic fog, that back in 1975 he had bought up all of the 4.8 million cast iron & UK made manhole covers which were embossed with the letters PMG.

 

(Those manhole covers had been stored out near the Moorabbin Hills ………… but when questioned Turbs had to admit that they actually WERE the Moorabbin Hills, and he then realised that he could commence a 400 site residential development on this prime flat ground once they were removed.)

 

Turbo became aroused (woodyref) at the prospect of flogging the manholes back to the new PMG, which he had renamed the P...………..

Edited April 14, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......MGpEACH, a clever reference to RottenApple, which he intended to push out of the market in......

[Captain]

...…….. which lead to a worldwide stock market uptick and in a sweeping example of human greed similar to the Enron and dotcom excesses, became known as the GpEACH.SepticApple boom, which on Wall St, resulted in several ………...

[turboplanner]

.....wild parties as the traders shorted the companies down to ground zero andc traded them back up again. but Turbo, under the name Alwyn P Hogg had run a trailing stop all the way down, knew when the Markey was going to turn, and placed his bulk order just two ticks off the bottom. The only downside was the NYPD busting the party and charging them all US$750 for failing to maintain the six feet separation distance. Since every one of them had made a cool $50 million minimum, they weren't all that upset and went home happy. However the next morning......

[hihosland]

..... the coughing started, and 50 million could not buy any respirators, there being none to be had anywhere in the world except at turbo enterprises who in 2005 had taken to heart President Bush's message seen here in marvellous retospectroscopic youtube

 

 

and had stocked up on respirators, defribillators, masks, gowns, and gallons of homeopathic oral vaccines, this later being 1000s of small glass vials bought as a job lot at Lourdes and topped up with Ganges water.

 

Turbo once again stood to make himself a motza until it turned out that deep in the innards of the respirators was a ZX81 computer running Sinclair BASIC off a Stringy Floppy that in order to boot up required a........................

[turboplanner]

........key of B Flat, and Turbo had no idea where to get one. He phoned Loxie, but Loxie had never heard of one. He visited the Op Shop, but they stared at him vacantly. It looked like it was all over for Turbo, and .......

[onetrack]

...... he would end up with warehouses of unsaleable stuff, and be down to his last $10M, with no suckers in sight. Then he had a brainwave. He knew some Middle-Easterners, that would be desperate for any medical help.

To aid this sale, he got some "Halal" and "Allahu Akbar" decals made up, plastered them all over every flat surface (and curved surface) he could find on the equipment, on the bottles, and on anything a Muslim would see, when he bent over for prayers.

 

Then he started dialling, and the ringing was answered, "Ahl-loh!" came a distant voice. Turbine said, "Mustafa! Is that you! I have the deal of the century for you, on medical equipment you surely need! Also - The Imam of Lakemba Mosque sends his regards, and asks after your family! Allahu Akbar!!".

 

He heard the startled voice on the other end. "Who is this?", said a thick Middle Eastern accent. "Is that you, Hammad? Is this 'medical equipment', our new code for our deliveries?"

Suddenly, Turbine realised he had the wrong Mustafa as a contact on his phone. He cut the bloke off quickly, and went looking for.........