The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

that night in Beijing, Channel 9’s Beijing To-Ni with Tlachi Glimshau was interviewing China’s Ambassador to Australia Cheng Jingye.

 

“The Australian’s want to know where the virus came from” he said “We told them to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX” and now they picking on us.”

 

“We orways hep sum wun intruble” said Tlachi, so she phoned Xi, and he phoned Admiral Gung Ho, and he got the Aircraft Carrier Covid-XV mobile and heading for the Spratley Islands.

 

Turbo had feared this, because that’s where his experimental Bat coloney was located along with all his bat scientists and Virologists. He’d invested $50 million in developing a weapon and the last thing he needed was China poking their nose in and looking for a scapegoat.

 

There was only one thing to do, so he phoned up the Captain, explained what he needed, and arranged for them to meet at the Citation in an hour. They were in the air headed for the Spratleys, landed at the compound transferred to the Drifter and were standing in front of the hidden cave within 8 hours.

 

They’d alerted Australian Coastwatcher Les Poultryman, who was based near Luzon to watch out for the Carrier approaching the Spratleys but they were desperately short of time.

 

Les was 97 and had seen service as a coastwatcher for the US Navy in WW2 and had never come home. All he asked for from the Australian government was a fresh set of batteries every month, 5 dozen cans of bully beef and copies of the Sydney morning Herald.

 

Turbo and the Captain opened the concealed doors, and looked over the last remaining Corsair. It was rigged for torpedo attack only and Turbo had it kept ready at all times by a Filipino crew in their days off from the Call Center.

 

“I want the front seat” cracked the Captain in colonel Blimp style “No you don’t said Turbo” He knew what a disaster that would be, Captain had never made a successful landing yet, dumping the aircraft on from 10 feet every time, and his torpedo handling was appalling, but Turbo grabbed a fishing gaffe from the boat and figured he could reach the Torbedo handle and overpower the Captain if he needed to.

 

The big 13’4” prop began to crank and soon there was a cough and another and another, various rats could be seen departing and the engine groaned into life.

 

They were still taxying when Les called “King Rat this is Bo Peep” (Turbo let out a groan as he realised the Captain had interfered as usual) …..”it’s paddling”

 

“What is” snapped the Captain in a most British way. “You know what” said Les trying to keep the secret.

 

“Which way is it going?” asked the Captain “Er righty tighty, lefty loosy…………………………………………it’s coming from behind me” replied Les. You could see how the US Navy relied on Australia so much in WW2.

 

It didn’t matter, the Corsair had enough altitude that they could see it coming. The Captain tried to pull it over into a sideslip but crossed up his hands and feet and Turbo had to do the dive for him. They fought each other as the aircraft came perilously close to the sea, then Turbo grabbed the gaff made a lunge for the Torpedo lever, successfully launching it and taking a lump out of the Captain’s hand in the process. “I knew which lever to pull” bristled the Captain, taking his hand off the gear lever at the same time.

 

They peeled off out of range and shortly after there was a massive BANG and the Covid-XV disappeared beneath the waves.

 

Later that night…….

[Captain]

……….. investigative journalist Mike Willesee reviewed the full transcript of Tubb's above post with his special Channel 9 magnifying glass, and had the biggest Eureka moment of his illustrious career.

 

He eagerly sent a telex to his producer Gerald Stone " click click click" it went and then the words were revealed that shocked the world.

 

"Click click click ….. the crux of this entire issue is the goat (note the importance as it is underlined and in bold) that is mentioned at the end of Tubb's paragraph 4, because that goat was …...……...

 

THE ACTUAL GOAT - IT WAS HIM.

Edited May 15, 2020 by Captain

[Captain]

TURBO'S POST #12,601 HAS RECEIVED 1 WF DEMERIT POINT FOR LONG WINDEDNESS - REPORTED A TIRED (OF READING IT) MODERATOR 22.

[onetrack]

......the one the Billygoat Riders ride at every Masonic Lodge meeting. This finally proves that Turbo is a high-ranking member of that illustrious Brotherhood, and this explains why doors are opened to him, in every venture he attempts, and no charges ever stick to him (his nickname in the Brotherhood is Mr Teflon).

This also leads to accusations that Turbo has unduly influenced certain decisions relating to.......

[Captain]

Side note ...…… Good point Onesie, as I had not tumbled to that previously, but now that you mention it, I have the below photo of the apron that Tubb wore when he cooked the barbie at The Lodge last weekend when Scott was trying to make friends again with the Chinese Ambassador. He's not such a bad bloke (but a bit of an ignorlant plick) and boy did we get plastered, as we had to get him a Uber to get back to the Embassy.

[Captain]

......the one the Billygoat Riders ride at every Masonic Lodge meeting. This finally proves that Turbo is a high-ranking member of that illustrious Brotherhood, and this explains why doors are opened to him, in every venture he attempts, and no charges ever stick to him (his nickname in the Brotherhood is Mr Teflon).

This also leads to accusations that Turbo has unduly influenced certain decisions relating to.......

 

……. protractors, set squares, compasses and blokes that tickle your palm when they shake hands, because Turbo was a …………...

[turboplanner]

.......Grand Master of The Family, that mystical entity which laid out the Star plans for Washington DC, the five sided Pentagon, and many other clues to mark their dominance over the US House of Representatives since before the States were united.

 

A Watcher had already been despatched for Wagga Wagga to deal with that ratbag Captain who had released secrets once too often.

 

"We've given him every chance over the years" said the High Priest, "but he's written to just about every author in the world telling them to cut their books back to suit his bladder capacity, so now he has to disappear."

 

Onetrick became worried that he might become the target by mistake, but Turbo reassured him that a Watcher could take out two as easily as one, and Onetrick ..........................

[Captain]

Onetrick became worried that he might become the target by mistake, but Turbo reassured him that a Watcher could take out two as easily as one, and Onetrick ..........................

…...…. was reassured (1) because he is located on the western side of the country and nobody gives a rats about them now that The Twigster has gone all mandarin, plus (2) Onesie has changed his name to Mustafa and now worships under a minaret in Subiaco-up, "So let the Masons try their hardest, mate" he thought, before …..

 

ONESIE IN A SUBIACO-UP HOOKAH BAR BEFORE PRAYERS

[turboplanner]

.....suddenly realising the legenbdary skills of the Watchers.

Never seen, never heard, they came into town and "sorted out" unbelievers, and particularly those who commented on the Apron of The Great which had been passed on to Turbo from .........

[Captain]

………. his grandmother's sister's side of the Turgid family.

 

Tink's nanna's sister was an amazon of a woman who fought beside Breaker Morant and she is the person who Tubb is most like (except perhaps for bull) and that is something that …………….

 

A LITHOGRAPH PHOTO OF TUBB'S NANNA'S SISTER, WHO HE IS MOST LIKE.

YOU CAN SEE WHY TURBS IS SUCH A GAY ICON, CAN'T YOU?

Edited May 15, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..............is disputed to this day.

She was a pioneer in Womens Liberation (they called it emancipation in those days) and if any man disagreed with her she'd chop their XXXXXXX heads off. Of course she had to tone it down once photographs were invented and the law started to catch up.

Not many people know that she was also one of the pioneers of aviation.

She was hiding from the Sheriffs at remote KittyHawk, South Carolina when Orville and Wilbur Wright showed up with what looked like a piece of furniture.

They unloaded it right in front of her camp, nd day after day they would start the motor, rev it up and the machine would spin round in a circle. It wasn't long before Breakers Squeeze joined in and tried to help them fix these things they called ailerons.

Nothing worked, and after jamming her finger in the hinges for the fifth time, sho took to them with the sword, and said "You'd be better off without them; why don't we try tying a rope to the wings so you can just bend them when you want to...........and the rest is history.

Turbo is very proud of.......

[Captain]

...……. the way that his Nanna's sister sat astride her invention, which she named the ...…….....

 

HIS NANNA'S SISTER, ON THE TOP, GETTING READY TO HEAD TO TASMANIA.

YOU CAN SEE HERE THAT SHE IS A REAL LOOKER.

[onetrack]

.....Galloping Goose - because it not only did it look like a Goose, it looked like a Galloping Goose, when she tried to get it airborne - which she failed at, of course.

 

However, failure is not something that Turbo's family understand, nor tolerate.

 

Nanna's sister didn't let up on the ornithopter principle, and finally succeeded in obtaining a sizeable and very profitable Defence Contract with an unnamed foreign country, to equip its Air Force with her latest version - Ornithopter fighters.

 

It's a real credit to Turbos Nanna's sister, that she persevered with a design that everyone else laughed at - but as she was known to say, after scoring the sizeable Defence Contract, "Who's laughing now, then?"

 

And here, Dear NES readers, is the photo of Turbo's Nanna's sister's Ornithopter Fighter - a product which has led to Turbo being able to easily afford numerous high-powered aircraft, to go car racing, and to indulge in many of the costly pursuits of the idle rich.

 

Naturally, he keeps the story of Nanna's sister's early aircraft very quiet, as he wants to take all the developmental and monetary glory himself - something along the lines of Kermit Weeks style, a bloke who also ......

 

[Captain]

...…….. was known as Walter Mitty for a few years until he changed it to Turdbro Mitty, then …………..

 

A YOUNG AND UNTOUCHED VIRGINAL TURDBRO

DURING HIS WALTER MITTY PHASE. THOSE

EYES REALLY SUCKED THE BOYS IN.

[turboplanner]

.......hired a young aspiring PR expert, Captain Cook VIII who propelled the brand+/ to ...........

 

 

 

The young Captain before the plastic surgery.

[Captain]

And after the surgery he looked just like JC V2 (the 1st one had holes in him from what the Romans did).

The surgeon buggered up the top of his ears, hence the extra roll of hair stuck on above each one. (Those hair rolls were like organ pipes & sounded like a diving Stuka (avref) when the wind got up over 25 knots).

Edited May 16, 2020 by Captain

[onetrack]

It was also most unfortunate that Cappy chose quite an incompetent surgeon, because there was a mix-up on the operating table, which meant the surgeon also carried out a gender re-assignment operation, due to patient numbering confusion.

When Cappy finally woke up, he realised he was "missing a few bits" down below - and he'd "grown a few bits" up top! Absolutely appalled, he kept pressing the nurses call button, until the Matron appeared.

 

"Whaddya want?", glared Matron Dibble, she of the imposing size, and even more imposing biceps. Cappy was wondering if she'd had the gender re-assignment operation, too.

"I ... ahhh ... errrr ... I think there's been a terrible mistake with the plastic surgery!", squeaked Cappy. "I wasn't supposed to have a gender re-assignment op, it was just a simple facelift and pin my ears back!"

 

"Well", shrugged Matron Dibble, "You can't get everything right all the time, it's not my fault we have dyslexic nurses and doctors who scramble up the patient numbering, and make these occasional errors!"

"Anyway, he's done a good job, so you should be happy! Not everyone comes out of gender re-assignment looking as good as you do!"

 

"But .. but .. but ...", wailed Cappy. "I don't want to be a girl! I was happy enough, as I was - now I've got to go buy a whole new wardrobe, and shoes to match!"

"Ahh, stop ya whinging", said the Matron, "You got a gender re-assignment at a plastic surgery facelift price, you're on a winner! Now, you'll not only be........

[Captain]

........ able to admire Turbo like we all do, you will also be able to satisfy his .........

 

Dyslexia must be contagious, as there was a dyslexic rooster in a house beside the hospital, that crowed "Doodle Do Cock,' which made James (or Jamelia as he is now known) realise what he was missing.

 

JAMELIA AFTER SOME MAKE-UP TRAINING & FOLLOWING SOME TIME IN THE SUNROOM AT THE HOSPITAL. THE SURGEON HAD DONE A CRACKER OF A JOB SHE/HE THOUGHT AND COULDN'T STOP ADMIRING THEM. JAMES WAS WRAPPED IN THE CHANGES, AS WAS TURBO.

Edited May 16, 2020 by Captain

[Captain]

Based on the latest photo, the Skipper/Skipette has been inundated with friend requests from hundreds of dirty old Wreck Flying (avref) members who have offered to take the Skipette flying (avref) up to 5,280 ft (avref) [so Drifter (avref) owners might struggle (avref)].

 

But all need to remember that the Skipper used to be 125 kgs of muscle and sinew, so with what has been removed (say 1 kg) and what has been added (say 5 kgs) the Skipette will be just under 130 kgs and weight/balance issues (avref) are certain to ensue (and filling out that poxy AUF (avref) form will be even harder).

Edited May 17, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........curiosity, and after viewing #12618 Turbo was curious, not about what be on some minds, but anatomy. Turbo had been trained in Life painting for years and knew his curves very well from the hundreds of models subjected to the scrutiny of people who would be better off drawing outhouses (except Turbo of course.)

 

Turbo had noticed a certain symmetry where there should have been none. In #12617 One Track describes the surgeon as incompetent, and it appears that another comment may have been "opportunistic" for it appear he sewed the Captain's buttocks to his chest.

 

This was confirmed when the Chairman of the last Board Meeting said Please sit gentlement, and Jamelia seemed to lurch forward for the lectern, and then remained standing.

 

"I have nothing to sit on" he said, and they all looked and realised he was a fastback [autoref].

 

This lack of bulk to the rear had a bright side. He'd found he could now fit into the seat of bull's tyro easily and it was a joy to fly when .......................

[Captain]

………… bull would let him, because bull was very possessive of his tyro.

 

Brine gave HiHo a call and said "Have you seen Tubb's dopy post #12620?"

 

"Sure have" responded Heidi "Jamelia looks just fine to me, so I reckon that Turdy is starting to lose it if he reckons those look like buttocks"

 

"I wonder if he has ever really seen a decent set" was Brine's reply "And I reckon Turds must be a closet …...……….

[Captain]

………… bull would let him, because bull was very possessive of his tyro.

 

Brine gave HiHo a call and said "Have you seen Tubb's dopy post #12620?"

 

"Sure have" responded Heidi "Jamelia looks just fine to me, so I reckon that Turdy is starting to lose it if he reckons those look like buttocks"

 

"I wonder if he has ever really seen a decent set" was Brine's reply "And I reckon Turds must be a closet …...……….

 

……. "Now, now, calm down boys" interjected The Captain "As Turbs is my long term best mate and I must defend his ………………...

[hihosland]

.. protruberences various.

It is truly refreshing in these times of social distancing to see Jamella launching forward with such enthusiasm; quite a contrast to the retrograde movements favoured by Bull and Salty, it's enough to have both of them placed in 14 days of sheltering in place on rations of ..............

[onetrack]

......bully beef and hard tack biscuits, left over from WW1. But there were pressing problems facing Cappy - Sorry, Jamelia - in that he/she could rarely get the CoG correct in the Tyro - because with all the weight up front and very little on the rear, it meant a lot of work for Cappy/Jamelia, trying to balance the aircraft.

 

Then, of course, there was the problem of his voice. Because not only had the surgery altered Cappys appearance tremendously, it also made his voice quite unrecognisable.

On the radio, he was asked to "say again" many times, because the combination of the new higher pitch, coupled with his new, Deep South accent, made life for ATC and other pilots, very difficult.

 

Then of course, there was the skin colour change. Something that no-one could explain, and which led to Cappy getting a frosty reception at the Wagga Gentlemans Club - not only because no-one recognised him as Jamelia - but also because the Club was lagging somewhat in improving its racial integration policies, and many of the older Members of the Club (some of whom originated in the Deep South) had entrenched views about the position of "coloured" people - which naturally meant, those people belonged outside the Club, of course.

 

Cappy became somewhat enraged at getting a serious knockback, as regards entry to his favourite Club, and very soon, he was on the phone to........

[Captain]

………. Fernes buses for a lift home.

 

"Get down the back" he was told by the white nationalist bus-driver "And how about a little kiss?"

 

That's both racism and raceoffism" cried the Captain in his best lady's voice (because they were gone for good) and feeling the same way that his Labrador (named Nutless) did last year.

 

"Oh, come on" said ………….