The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

.”......rightly or wrongly is suspected of being odd.” It has to be said at the outset that OneTrack was totally innocent in triggering what became known as the Ahmed Truong matchbox incident when......

...... Ahmed reported to nurse Barry in the Sick Bay with a box of Redheads inserted up his .........

 

(And they were the big BBQ lighting RedHeads too, as manufactured by The Turbine Match & Ronson Lighter Corp, register in Panama which proudly specialised in the use of fresh young non-plantation rainforest timbers.)

Edited May 25, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........jumper. She felt them immediately and was ignited and breathless.

"You really touched me Ahmed, and I always like your Chop Sueys and....."

[onetrack]

......your Hung Long Specials, in that famous restaurant of yours. When are you going to invite me to sample one of them?". Ahmed was impressed at this display of culinary knowledge - although he was a little confused at why someone would name their daughter Barry. But parents often picked strange names for the children, as witnessed by the Boy named Sue.

Besides, his parents being of mixed ancestry was what led to his Middle Eastern first name and his Vietnamese last name, causing extensive confusion in most places he went.

 

"I'm offering you these Redheads, because I believe you should be a Redhead, not a Blonde!", exclaimed Ahmed. "You have the fiery nature of a Redhead, and more brains than the average Blonde, so you should......

[Captain]

.........…. be named Ahlox II, but keep your hands off ………….

[Captain]

"You have the fiery nature of a Redhead, and more brains than the average Blonde,

 

AHLOX FROM BEHIND AND HENCE

THE REASON FOR THE SKIPPER'S POST #12,679.

[Captain]

.........…. be named Ahlox II, but keep your hands off ………….

………. the cookie jar, which at the Gumly Gumly Rissole is code for ………...

[turboplanner]

......Charlene. Turbo is stunned that the Captain has breached long-standing tradition and mentioned the esteemed Treasurer of the GG ARSL. Charlene was a gunner in Afghanistan, and if you where unlucky enough to be on the ground when she was in the air your number was up. She never used less than 30 shots, and there were claims from the Taliban that she should be sent home becaise it was too hard to identify the victims. These days she was pretty much the same in the Club, and it was said that...................

[Captain]

......Charlene. Turbo is stunned that the Captain has breached long-standing tradition and mentioned the esteemed Treasurer of the GG ARSL. Charlene was a gunner in Afghanistan, and if you where unlucky enough to be on the ground when she was in the air your number was up. She never used less than 30 shots, and there were claims from the Taliban that she should be sent home becaise it was too hard to identify the victims. These days she was pretty much the same in the Club, and it was said that...................

...……. Ahlox was one of the few real men who could handle her anger and her ardour.

 

It is not widely known that Charlene's outbursts of anger (& ardour) resulted from the fact that she is the subject of the present war crimes enquiry, as under the original terms of engagement in Afghanistan, all Aussie combat crews were 1st required to partake of the RAN's Gender Assignment Course and then sign a chit to acknowledge that anyone who shot an enemy combatant would be charged with wasting ammunition, so Charlene's 30 round, all in the middle of the target, record saw her receive a bill from the ………...

[onetrack]

......family of the deceased Aghan, for the loss of their primary income earner. After all, suicide bomb makers got good danger money, thanks to the Taliban Workers Association & Training Support (T.W.A.T.S., as it was known locally).

However, the Govt rejected the claim as being unacceptable, as no evidence was offered (a body would have been good), to support the familys claim for compensation.

Besides, the deceased was merely on his way to a wedding, and had never heard of "suicide bomber", "insurgents", "maggot" or any other term of reference used by Aussie troops.

 

Charlenes C.O. was less than impressed that she'd been called to give evidence at the War Crimes Inquiry. He needed her around for training purposes, to give a morale boost to the rest of the troops that might be a bit queasy.

"I can tell you this much", the C.O. said. "If I had a dozen Charlenes, I reckon we'd be.....

[Captain]

....... updating the words of the great Winnie Churchill to read "Never before have so many been done by so few" and it turned at that this is why the Taliban opted for peace, because ........

[turboplanner]

............while 20 virgins in paradise was a good deal, the thought of a dozen Charlenes on the ground in Afghanistan, where there would be no paradise when she got her hands on them was terrifying, so they........

[Captain]

...... applied for asylum & for two thousand 549 work permits at a meatworks in Dick-Tater Dan's fiefdom, then built a Disneyland style (but bigger) authentic mud brick Taliban Amusement Park at Philip Island (down near the Vic tourism's award winning Giant Earthworm display), where the the main thrill ride is ........

[turboplanner]

.........running up and down the erathworm's guts and.......

[onetrack]

.....being ejected from the earthworms anus, to give the proper feel of authenticity to being a Victorian under Exalted Leader Dans authority and orders - many of which involve......

[Captain]

....... subservience to the Turbine Enterprise's sponsored and well publicised "Belt, Braces & Undies iInitiative" which ......

[Captain]

...….. being ejected from the earthworms anus, …….

The sophistication of our New-Australian Taliban brothers is nowhere more evident than in response to Onesie's above comment, where they:

 

Issued a phatwa so that they would not need to pay him a royalty.

They added an additional Thrill-Ride element (at a cost of 20 sheckles more), where they installed a giant automaton of Charlene and her 50 cal, which fired 30 round bursts as thrill seekers were anally ejected from the earthworm.

The popularity of the joint went thru the roof (Victoristan punters needed to book up to 6 months in advance), the Theme Park was renamed and marketed as "Osamaland", TE took up a minor but controlling interest (the Taliban can't ever agree about anything so TE's 15% had control) and life was all good again in Chairman Dan Land.

 

THE AUTOMOTON OF CHARLENE, 50 CAL AT THE READY.

(THE AUTOMOTON WAS A FLATTERING IMAGE AND SHOWED HER GOOD SIDE)

Edited May 28, 2020 by Captain

[Captain]

....... subservience to the Turbine Enterprise's sponsored and well publicised "Belt, Braces & Undies initiative" which ......

 

...………. on closer examination by the editorial panel at Turbine Press (run by Tink's son Lachbine), showed that each day Despot Dan was getting closer to the (smudged) Undies rather than the Belt (and hopefully soon to hit the Road), but Premier Xi was, as we speak, sitting in Beijing considering similar action in Melbournistan as he has just taken over recent days in Honkers (and before that also at UQ to suppress the highly threatening & outspoken activist little Greek kiddie) ..................….. and as a result the situation ........

Edited May 30, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....looked like it was going to get out of hand untoll Turbo took Xi aside and said "Leave it for a while until this CV blows away and Victoria is firmly locked into the belt and braces regime, and talking to each other about the esteemed Friendly Country (FC) and its clever Leader, and offered himself as a possible Premier at that time while doing an unbelievable ball point on the napkin deal with Xi to take 3,000 tonnes of meat per year from his "stock" farms, to .........

[onetrack]

....supply the "re-education" camps within China. "I'll tell you what else I can organise", said Turbo, leaning over in a conspiratorial manner (note the root words - "con" and "piratorial", with "con" being obvious, and "piratorial" coming from the word "pirate").

 

Turbo went on, "I'll have a little talk to my best friend Don, and see if I can get him to be a little less warlike on China, and get him to come around to accepting that China nows rules in this neck of the woods, rather than the U.S."

 

"Turbo, you're just amazing", said Xi. "I don't know how I can thank you for smoothing our takeover pathway into the Great Southern and South Pacific Regions. "Maybe I can offer you a seat on the Ruling Committee?"

 

"No, I can't afford the time for that," said Turbo. "I'm already exceptionally busy with my major corporate roles - and besides, there's an obvious conflict there, that may lead to.....

[turboplanner]

.......a coup. Xi started, like an over-fueled Yamaha 80 when you have to start iot for your son, and said "Who is it Turbo!?"

"Sorry, have to go now and check the farms, but I've taken care of it, not going to happen" and that dear readers is how to make a friend for life, which in this case was going to be rather short because......

[Captain]

…...…. Turbo had another 2000 apprentice Despots (AUFboardref) all trained (railwayref) up and on his payroll in China, who were all ready to take over and syphon funds straight into the Turbine Merchant Banking Corporation in ...........

[turboplanner]

.....the Grand Cayman Islands, and from there to ....................

[Captain]

like an over-fueled Yamaha 80 when you have to start it for your son,

The Skipper notes with sympathy and admiration that Turdy has been caught too, having to start a 2-stroke with a sump full of old fuel and a whiskered plug, and all with a nipper or grand-nipper that demands quick action, as they want to RIDE..

[Captain]

.....the Grand Cayman Islands, and from there to ....................

……… the thousands of politicians and other criminals to whom he has promised kickbacks.

 

You cannot, dear reader, reach Turbo's heights without needing to break a few eggs and arrange various payoffs, not to mention the women that he is still paying for ……...

[onetrack]

....their services, even when they aren't needed all the time. "This is the way all high-powered executives work", said Turbo. "We need to keep a pool of important, useful people on hand, in case we need their services quickly".

 

"But your service requirements are a little different, as compared to what other people want", said Cappy with a sniff. "Particularly when the ladies are involved", he added.

 

"I find that comment appalling", said an outraged Turbo. "And here was I, thinking you were a mate, when all the time you were....