The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

..........roasting, which.....

[Captain]

...………, while they have never been a great success on Aussie TV, had Lonely's Wombat & Dingo mates doubled over with …………...

[Captain]

The CWA's Roast of sweet & lonesome Lonely used many of the same jokes that Dean Martin used on Bob Hope and they were cruel when in the context of the Aussie bush.

 

It was a shocking, racist & anti mammalian section of the CWA's history.

 

Edited July 7, 2020 by Captain

[Captain]

...………, while they have never been a great success on Aussie TV, had Lonely's Wombat & Dingo mates doubled over with …………...

 

……… an initial bout of salmonella, that was caused by a critical error in the CWA's cookbook, which called for ...……………

 

PS .... Cappy could never work out what terrible deed the salmon did to end up branded in this way.

[turboplanner]

............three cups of chook uts which are a Chinese delicacy served in the resorts in the Taklamakan Desert in North West China.

cook uts translated mean Rams Eyes.

 

The duty chef that night was Jacguelin, who had called herself Jack from the time she roped a bull at the age of three.

Jack came from the wheat town of Henty South and was .....a wheat farmer.

Like most wheat farmers her head tapered to the top and her body was a rectangle from the shoulders down, with legs like tree stups.

Wheat farmers used to pearn how to life and carry a 180 point bag of wheat but Jack could throw them, and frequently did when she was criticised.

Her only weak point was schooling, and in the winter time when all the other Cockeys went to school, Jack would sit on the front verandah with a pair of binoculars watching the wheat grow, and tweaking it this way or that with spray or irrigation. She had the best return in the district.

 

However, on that night that lack of schooling caught her out and she went out the back, reached into the bin and grabbed two handfuls of chook guts, and......

[Captain]

……. added them to the scone mix.

 

This coincided with a major event that celebrated the "Henty Emancipation" and drew several hundreds of dedicated CWA members.

 

So dedicated, in fact, that the Victorian ladies dodged the border police and swam the Murray using their CWA urns as flotation devices.

 

The hundreds of scones were laid out on trestle tables, the urns were cranked up, and ………..……..

[turboplanner]

............they fed the Victorians fleeing Melbourne in many types of disguises including one group of 50 Albanians who'd dressed up in Army uniforms pretending they were Defence force volunteers for the barriers. Afterwards the OIC on the NSW Police contingent wondered allowed why the Constables hadn't picked up on the Albanian language and the ten Audis, but Gladys threw them a curve by announcing that Albury people were so uncouth that there would almost certainly be a virus outbreak there and she was redrawing the NSW border at Wagga. Wagga. The problem was she made the same mistake as Albury, putting the Victorian border across the middle of the town, in fact only 50 metres south of the Gumly Gumly RSL Hall.

This infuriated our mate Cappy because his essential travel was between Kapooka, shown on this map, and the Gumly Gumly RSL and the Wagga Wagga International Airport.

"How am I going to eat!" he cried on Channel 9's Today Show, "I'm just another small business person who's been screwed!"

"Not yet", whispered ........

 

[Captain]

"Not yet", whispered ........

…….. Turdboy who was an expert on being screwed, having lived under the Andrews Cabal for about 10 years, and who wore a red T-shirt that said "Dan's Our Man" and a postit note on the front that said "Hello, my name is Turdboy. Show me your ………...

[onetrack]

.....home-made scones, and I'll show you my home-made biscuits I baked during lockdown". But of course, hardly anyone got to see this shirt, because Turdboy was in quarantine, and no-one could get close enough to read the shirt, anyway.

 

Meantimes, Turdboy was using his lockdown time to think up his next scheme. This involved the New Turbine Enterprises COVID-19 testing kit, and a converted, formerly disused factory where........

[turboplanner]

.....he was sawing up large block of wood.

Turbo's great grandfather had made enough money during the Great Depression to buy the vast estates now run by Turbine Agribusiness, which included Cotton Farms in the north and asparagus farms in the south. In the middle were the huge pivot-irrigated pickle farms which sold exclusively to McDonalds, and the Halal Pickle properties nearby where the pickles are harvested with knives.

Alastair McTurbine who had emigrated from Scotland was almost starving when a mouse plague rolled over the Mallee wheat farm eating all his wheat. Farmers were desperate for a solution, and Alastair came up with a 100% guaranteed mouse trap with a 100% kill rate, able to kill unlimited numbers of mice. He advertised it for two shillings, and hundreds of thousands of orders rolled in.

The mouse trap consisted of two tiny blocks of wood, and the instructions were simple. Catch your mouse, hold his head down on one block and rap it sharply with the other.

 

Turbo was thinking of an ad which went something like: "with this machine, you are free to go anywhere and we guarantee once you use the machine, you will never die of Covid -19!

 

The orders started to flow in, but.......

[Captain]

Turbo was thinking of an ad which went something like: "with this machine, you are free to go anywhere and we guarantee once you use the machine, you will never die of Covid -19!

 

The orders started to flow in, but.......

 

…… The Australian was soon reporting cases from Victoristan suburbia (and up in the Mulga) where Covid effected but otherwise healthy & lovely old ex-CWA members had been held down by a lump of 4 X 2 and then hit on the head with a 2nd block of wood, all of which were branded with the TE skull and crossbones logo (the wood, not the old folks).

 

"All I'm doing is selling baseball bat sized lumps of firewood that kill mice" was the defence projected by Dr van Diemen, who had joined TE to get away from the Covid spotlight & so that she had more time to tweet about our beloved Cappy Cook, only to find that Tink and TE operated under the same Wootoria Danny A Code of Conduct & Knowledge (the DA CO*K).

 

Given all of the above, the Aussie public were very surprised when the CWA and the Pensioner's Association both came our in support of TE and issued a Press Release which stated "......………..

Edited July 10, 2020 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....We fully support the NTE efforts to reduce the impact of both mice and COVID-19 in the one fell swoop. Furthermore, we are greatly enamoured of the additional work done by NTE, to start producing masks to assist in the curtailing of the spread of COVID-19.

In addition, we relish the fact that a lot of bush pigs will now become much more attractive when they're wearing masks, thus increasing our home-grown population levels in the country - rather than continually bringing in immigrants from s***h*le (Trump-ref) countries!

 

However, the CWA and PA are concerned that the current mask-wearing trend will lead to the Muzzies stating they were right all along, about the constant need to wear masks, and they just didn't make their wimmen wear them, simply because they were all ugly.

Furthermore, it is also of great concern to the CWA and PA, that wearing the NTE masks (which bear a hideous similarity to hijabs), will make mask-wearing Victorians become targets of abuse, after being mistaken for bomb-chuckers.

 

We would clearly like to see something done about making good old dinki-di Aussies who wear masks, immediately identifiable as Aussies, rather than Muzzies.

This will lead to less misunderstandings and less abuse, and less personal attacks on public transport, and make the lives of ordinary Victorians a lot easier." END OF PRESS RELEASE FROM THE CWA AND PA

 

Turbine read this Press Release with a thoughtful look on his face. "We have to work out some way to do this ID separation", he said, as he stroked his stubble. "I've got it!! We'll ......

[Captain]

...... tattoo a "Made in Aussie" kangaroo & shield on the foreheads of all who are dinky di.

 

TE ordered 500 te of green & gold tattoo inks and cornered the market on chinese tattoo machines (normally designated to tattoo numbers on Crown Casino employees and on a million Uighur prisoners), including a 900% spares allowance to make up for the well known crappy chinese quality control.

 

"Now to designate who is dinky, who is di and who is .........."

Edited July 10, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........but Turbo couldn't in all conscience complete the sentence and get his friend Cappy in deep trouble from the Divergence Police who were different to all other police in that each one had received five years training from CASA, and they could sniff out non-divergence in the Gobi Desert.

He had already been working on this anyway and had come up with a brilliant solution. The cat farm had been struggling to sell its skins in recent years due to the ridiculous association with Ermine and Mink decimation, but Turbo had designed a Covid-19 mask made of cat fur which was 300% more effective than Chinese cotton, was acceptable to the cultural communities and fur was about to explode back into popularity around the world. The brand name was "Pussy" to appeal to the Millenials.

 

Turbo was taping the ad now with a thousand fur-masked extras walking down a street, and Turbo, like Moses, with his arm outstretched is looking over his flock. "Everyone gets a Pussy....." he is saying and goes on to expound the ............

[Captain]

……… theory behind his Pussy Masks (PMs) when the crowd stated to laugh.

 

Turbo wasn't used to being entertaining, but when given a mirror he realised that his own mask was made out of the part of the cat shown below, with the dot felxing in and out as he spoke.

 

One of the dags in the audience then commented that Turbo looked like a ...............

 

[onetrack]

....furry-faced, floppy eared Bassett hound, with his PM on. "But, I can tell you, this is just the Cats Ar$e for protection! You should know that nothing beats a Cats Ar$e for repelling stuff!!", said Turbo.

 

Meantimes, there was a growing, audible rumble in France as a group of lawyers gathered, after hearing about the latest NTE invention. Specifically, a group of lawyers in Pussy, in the commune of La Léchère.

 

"Mon Dieu!", exclaimed the lawyer addressing the assembled gathering of legal eagles. "N'est rien de sacré? This upstart Oztralien, is stealing our village name! We must take action to prevent this unauthorised theft of our good village name!"

 

"But" .. said one of the legal eagles in the audience. "We don't have exclusive rights to le name! I mean to say, every country has thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of forms of Pussies! And it's in common use in ze Eengleesh language!

If you call someone in Eengleesh a 'Pussy', you know you will get a severe reaction! If you yell out 'Pussy' in le street, every red-blooded man will spin his head!

We can't legally proceed against this Oztralien without evidence of his use of ze name, impacting adversely on our village!"

 

"We have zee evidence", said the lawyer running the meeting. "Firstly, he is making COVID-19 masks and claiming they are from Pussy. This is explicitly wrong! Secondly, he is making money from the use of our good name! Thirdly, he is ......

[Captain]

...…… a pussy magnet (or un aimant chatte as the Lawyer Francaise said it).

 

But Tink (Le Tinke) corrected them by explaining …………..

[turboplanner]

......that the brand Pussy had been registered in the Spratley Islands.

"Nous regrettons que Turbine soit propriétaire de tous les cabinets le Spratleys" explained a spokesperson

[For the uncouth: "We regret that Turbine owns all the law firms in the Spratleys"]

Since any lawsuit would involve a conflict of interest the matter died down and .................

[Captain]

........... was revived again after the Spratleys renegotiated their extredition agreement with La Belle Francais, and their ambassador went to some lengths to edumacate the AUF members on the NES by explaining that Turbo's and onetrack's above posts are just 2 bob attempts at smutty humour because the town of Pussy is named after un chat.

 

As Le Ambassadore explained "Le beautiful town de Pussy, is bisected by the Pussy River (Le Torrent de Pussy [often misspelled as the Torment de Pussy, a well known condition afflicting some AUF members]), but this could have been so much worse if it had been close to the Ruisseau de l’Ar$e, as zat would have meant that ......................

[onetrack]

......there would be problems distinguishing between the two. However, this problem still afflicts many people, with sizeable numbers still unable to determine whether to go with Pussy or Ars.

 

(Dear NES Readers - Le Capitaine obviously failed his French course, because it is not " Ruisseau de l’Ar$e", it is Riviere Le Ar$e (or sometimes just Ars), and as a raconteur of renown, he should have known that)

 

To correct El Capitaines false information - Un chat never lent its name to le village of Pussy, it was named after the Roman, Pussius, a local landowner in Roman Times.

 

However, it is most unfortunate that the village of Pussy has a number of regional neighbours who also possess unfortunate names.

However, New Turbine Enterprises is seeking quick clarification for the use of these names for his additional COVID-19 product lines, to add some colour to those normally drab products.

 

These neighbouring village and area names, are shown below .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......the belt.

In fact Turbo is a descendant of Brutus Pussius, who certainly was no pussius, however he was brought down by the Roman Diversity Policy after Cleopatra Spartacus asked him his name. “Pussius” he said and she took it the wrong way. She decided to write a Diversity Complaint and asked his address. “Pussius” he replied and after a short Court Hearing was put to the sword. This shows the evils of the current Corporate Diversity Policies where......

[Captain]

........ it looks like Turbo has previously been frightened by the Diversity Fairy.

 

It is little known that Turbo's admitted antecedent, Brutus Pussius, was a transvestite slave owner who promoted western democracy and worked with Leonardo DV on his initial design for the Drifter. (Leo got the design right for the wings and the empennage, but the drawings & specs languished until bull came up with his 1st design for his Bulltax 582, which also languished until Salty discovered the delights of 2 Stroke oil, which he initially used as a ..........

[turboplanner]

..........runway lubricant to allow the Bulltax to take off, which cost the family their orange farm at Remnark. It was only when he was sleeping on the Murray bank that he dreamed of his undercarriage going round and round and realised that if the wheel worked for the chariot, dray, cart and coach and car they might work for a Bulltax as aircraft were called around Bone in the old ........

[onetrack]

....days, when people still travelled by foot, and wore breastplates and studded helmets and carried shields and swords. But the Bulltax 582 was destined to propel that society to new heights (avref).

This was because it ran on horse manure, which was in bountiful supply in those far-off days.

 

Bull had devised a simple and low-cost process to turn horse manure into a potent liquid that could be fed into the Bulltax 582 to produce more HP than any variety of avgas - even the octane-boosted varieties (avref).

He had found that manure from stallions was best, as it had more "kick" in it, and it provided a stunning rate of acceleration.

 

It wasn't long before Bull found people from various companies offering him enticements to reveal the secrets behind his horse manure conversion process. But Bull was smarter than the average gladiator, and he wasn't......

[Captain]

.......... sucked in to entering into any binding agreements, as he still dreamed to be able to achieve the international Recreational Aviation member's wet dream with his horse manure lubricant ...................... of being able to quieten all Rotax gearboxes and to reach the even loftier (avref) pinnacle to stop that hideous gearbox rattle during engine shutdown.

 

All knowledgeable AUF members gasped then scoffed at this task, which had proven impossible since Joseph and Mary first met at that fateful school dance at Bethlehem Primary, and even the aforementioned Leonardo DV had tried, using ................

 

LEO'S INITIAL SKETCH OF THE ROTAX GEARBOX FIX, BUT EVEN HE

COULDN'T GET THE THINGS TO STOP THAT TERRIBLE NOISE.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Captain