The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

......Salty. Turbo respectfully points out that an arrow on Turbo's shirt can't point at him, and this one was pointing to his left, where Salty was standing. Bull was in DS, and...................

 

[Turbo is writing this in considerable pain; he had picked up lunch and a cup of coffee and was complying with Covid-19 lock down conditions in the car where the top came off the coffee and burnt his nuts.]

[turboplanner]

....Hi Chi Min wasn't that happy either at having his name brought up on a Chinese forum. He lashed out at Cappy, but caught Bull on the pistle, and Bull in turn kicked .......

 

[onetrack]

.... out at Salty, and caught him unawares, sending him backwards into an open container of used oil. While this was going on, Cappy had travelled to some remote region of NSW, where he was totally convinced, the COVID virus couldn't get him. Meantimes, Turbbro was gasping in pain from ingesting some cooked nuts in too much of a hurry, that were still too hot, and......

Edited September 25, 2020 by onetrack

[Captain]

8 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

and burnt his nuts.

..... which were already magnificent specimens but due to the burn, swelled to thrice their normal size.

 

"I have a balm" said Mavis, as she .........

Edited September 25, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....moved closer for a look, but Turbo was in no mood for a Mavis Move as it was known locally and said "I  know, and it's the biggest bum I've ever seen"

They were in the Kapooka Red Dog Saloon, a place where the Kapooka ferals hung out and they gathered round for the fight, but there was a giant shadow in the doorway and in strode Constable Doubtfire. "leave him alone Mavis" she said "Turbo's right, you've got the biggest bum in town"

Those who were there that night remember Mavis's eyes widening and then she said "At least I don't need a sircingle to hold my guts up"

Doubtfire took the cap and badge off and it was on.

The Red Dog had a sawdust floor, which was good for hiding blood and teeth and it ran red that night. Every time Turbo laughed, his nuts jiggled and he cried in pain, so there were plenty of tears too especically from Cappy because his sweetheart was losing. Grabbing a gin bottle, Cappy ...................

[onetrack]

....decided to join the fray - still wondering what a sircingle was. Unfortunately, as he swung the empty gin bottle, aiming at Const Doubtfires bobbing head - he missed, and it flew right out of his hand, and across the saloon floor - and to Cappys eternal horror, struck Fred "The Mongrel" Hoddie, the Sgt-at-Arms of the local Comancheros OMCG, in the head.

Fred "The Mongrel" stopped laughing at the women scrapping, and promptly fell off his chair, hitting the floor hard. Cappy was terror-stricken by now, it was time to make tracks - like burnout tracks, as in a fast getaway, before Fred came to, and came looking for him, no doubt along with 6 other Comancheros supporters. Cappy ran from the saloon, and......

Edited September 25, 2020 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

...didn't see the new dining tables on the footpath. His shin hit a chair and he jumped, howling with pain, knocking over a drinks waiter who had been holding 8 beers for a group of Wreck Flyers [avref]. Just as they all stood up scowling, their jeans stained by the beer, the Comancheros rushed out. Capp had fallen down between two chairs and was out of sight. The first Comancheo..................

[Captain]

STOP PRESS ...... EXCLUSIVE NEWS FOR NES READERS.

 

Just letting you all know that I had a surprise call from Dan this morning seeking my reference for Turbo as I have been his longest term friend (which doesn't mean much because he can be a total dick at times and alienates everyone else around him).

 

Dan is considering Tubb to replace Jenny Mickyarcos as Health Minister with a guarantee that Turdy can be Premier once Dan stands down in 2045.

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The first Comancheo..................

....... said "If youze don't spell our club's name right there will be a lot of trouble in the wreck flying aviation (avref) community. I know that youze are a fearsome bunch and much tougher than the Hells Angels or those super bad 1%er killer boys in the Ulysses Club (or the Corvette Owners Club (COCsref), but we CommonCherries are a mean bunch of mother ......

Edited September 26, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....and then his jaw dropped and he broke into a loving smile as he saw Waitress Elsie's short skirt and long legs.

He should have been looking 600 mm higher because Elsie's punch smacking in the mouth and he went down stunned.

It was Elsie who had done a strip act on the roof of a Ford Bronco at the Deni Ute Muster straight after her wedding in 1983, and she'd been Captain of the Wagga womens Netball team for the past 15 years. We'll say no more about that, and you'll know why if you've ever seen a country Netball batch.

The Commanchero straightened up and Elsie hit him in the oranges with the sharpest knee in Wagga ...............

[Captain]

........ which made Tubb wince too, as his were still scorched, engorged, enlarged, throbbing and had a dull ache, just like the ComicCherios bloke's felt too.

 

Turdy knew the feeling well, as he had been kicked in his quite a few times over the years, plus he had slipped off the pedal of his pushy a few time when he was a little tacker.

 

"Please don't do that again Elsie" he implored "As my .......

 

ONE OF THE TIMES THAT TURBO COPPED IT.

Edited September 26, 2020 by Captain

[onetrack]

...... constitution isn't strong enough to watch that level of violence!" But Elsie was just getting into her stride, it was just like old times at a netball game.

One after another the remaining Comanchero thugs rushed her - and one by one, she took them down, just like she used to, with the netball opposition team members.

 

Cappy was aghast, and Turbbro was still wincing at every movement of his legs. But all the Comancheros were moaning louder. Cappy was aghast because his new moleskins now had mud and blood spatters on them, and he prided himself on his spotlessly-clean, smartly-pressed, cream-coloured, R. M. Williams moleskins, at all times.

 

"They'll never be the same again!", he cried. "Nor will my scalded nuts!", moaned Turbbro. Together, they made a strange pair as they left the club premises - Cappy doing his best to shake his moleskins clean, and Turbbro walking funny, with a pronounced limp.

 

Cappy decided they'd call an Uber, and requested a ride to the airstrip. There was only one question left to answer. Who was going to......

Edited September 26, 2020 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

......clean Cappy's moleskins.

For our thousands of readers we pause here for a minute to explain the significance of what's just happened. Cream Moleskins are the uniform of male and female country people. Brides rip off their bridal dresses, and much to the dismay of the perverts reveal they are wearing their eight year old moleskins and the Reception can start.

Not many people know this, but one of Turbo's English relatives Winston Turbine invented moleskins.

He was potting away with the 410 shotgun at the moles whenever they surfaced. He'd been selling the skins at thrippence each, but decided to make a pair of trousers. The first thing he noticed when he wore them was that they kept out both rain and wind, and then he realised they were self cleaning, and Winston realised he had a marketing opportunity. They were first marketed by TE (UK) Ltd, but today they belong to the world.

They quickly ran out of moles to make skins of course and a new material was invented, but this needed washing when the odour reach the point of .........

[Captain]

..... no-return (avref) where the ........

Edited September 26, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....wearer was no longer wanted in town.

Hollywood has done more to wreck history than any other group of people in the world.

Billy the Kid didn't die fighting other gunslingers, he'd work his moleskins since he was twelve and the townspeople decided they only way to get rid of the smell was to shoot him. This started a trend; Wild Bill Hickock doidn't die in a gunfight, he was sitting in the local diner with his back to the window and Jake Turbine walked up and shot him through the window thus avoiding the smell.

 

Being shot through the window can be a painfull experience and Wild Bill Hopped around for an hour or two bue he and his moleskins expired before Sundown.

 

"The problem with Cappy", thought Turbo, thought Turbo "is that shooting someone and dragging them down to Sh!tters Ditch behind a horse is no longer PC"

 

TE had been trying to solve this PC problem and at one stage decided to replace moleskins with Chaps, like the old cowboys used to wear. They let the air through, and for obvious reasons didn't pick up that exponential smell, TE's big mistake was to make them from sheepskins and release them in New Zealand.

 

What could he do about the Odour of Cappy...........

 

Chaps:

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by turboplanner

[bull]

new undies, as he had not changed them for a week , and they where starting to..........

[turboplanner]

.........slow down as much as bull, so in desperation Turbo took Cappy back to his grandpa's cabin in the hills where there was a fast flowing stream.

Turbo picked up a gallon drum of Phenyl from the shed, held it behind his back and walked Cappy to the stream and poured the Phenyl all over Cappy.

When the fist fight was over they picked up 28 Rainbow Trout which had turned belly up downstream.

Grandpa welcomed them like long lost songs which blew Turbo away until grandpa told him they were short of a singer for the night at the local dance. Cappy now smelling much better refused and it wasn't until grandpa oulled out a jug of moonshine that Cappy consented to perform.

 

Cappy on the left, Turbo in the centre and Turbo's nephew Rufus on guitar (his brother is always out of camera) Junior is seen on the left towards the end. We know his mother, but his pa could be anyone's.

 

 

[Captain]

As further vital information for our inquisitive readers, below is a photo of Turbo wearing his "Chez Turbo" brand of chaps.

 

 

 

And below is Turdy with his mates, heading to a monthly meeting of the Moorabbin Apex Club.

 

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by Captain

[bull]

And after doing the singing thing and seeing the photos of turdo,s new chaps,,Cappy decided that that leather look was just right for his next appointment,so after being online for 5 minutes his new leathers where on the way ,this is cappy,s new "assistant " trying them on for him,,,WOW said hilo you,ll look a treat at the grand reopening of the blue oyster bar [after the covid bullshit],,i bet you,ll get plenty of...................

[onetrack]

....interest from the Dunlop crowd, and the tyre retreaders, who'll want to know what you do with your old outfits."

 

"I'm not going to part with them", said Cappy, "They will have too many good memories attached to them, of nights at.......

Edited September 27, 2020 by onetrack

[bull]

the blue oyster doing skid marks and traction events[don,t ask said cappy]  . Well that is a fine..............

 

[turboplanner]

........of $250.00 right there" said Constable Doubtfire, and once again Cappy was ejected from the BoB.

He headed for Kapooka where, sitting beside the runway was an old ...................

[Captain]

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........of $250.00 right there" said Constable Doubtfire, and once again Cappy was ejected from the BoB.

He headed for Kapooka where, sitting beside the runway was an old ...................

...... T500 and huddled beside the aircraft (avref) was a derelict wreck of a Wreck Flying forum lerker & AUF member ..... the 88mm Thruster himself, who was intent on .........

Edited September 28, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......breaking wind [avref].

Cappy looked at it doubtfully because T500s look like they've been flying low over the ocean and a shark has made a leap and taken the rear half of the fuse off. They all have very short fuses and so do their owners.

88mm didn't say a thing, just pointed at the RH suspension leaf, and Cappy went pale as he realised he was expected to sit on it, but anything was better than another Doubtfire kicking.

The Thruster suspension shook his monocle off and Cappy was luck to grab it before the prop did, but just then ........

[bull]

the notorious thruster undercarriage spring started to bend and Cappys arse was descending[avref] ever closer to the gravel below and worse still the drag was becoming almost too much for 88 to keep the old gemini straight and it started veering towards the big patch of bull heads or as the southerners call them 3 point jacks

[qld tyre and arse destroyers] Oh shit could be heard from the cappy just before...............                                            

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by bull