The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

........... photos of Michelle Obama and Rosie O'Donnell, which was just too much for me, so I was out of control and what happened was purely ........

[turboplanner]

......accidental; I was merely tying to loosen a nut on the Fire truck and the photos belong to my First Officer.

The group were interrupted by some interesting breaking news.

Mustapha Turbas is a young Turkish journalist; son of Omar Turbas and grandson of Ghenghis Tubas (the Ottoman branch of the Turbine family).

Omar had been a dispatch rider for Kemal Ataturk at Gallipoli and Mustapha had found an old suitcase in a loft, and a story about Omar's eventual friend Captain Starlight (Cappy's great uncle).

While most people know that Australian submarine AE1 was sent to attack Turkey and was sunk, not many people know that it had on board an SE1 aircraft, with designated pilot Captain Starlight.

Now you might be asking how can an SE5 be squeezed through a two foot manhole, and it certainly was difficult but the details have been sealed until 2050 by ASIO. You might also be asking how an SE5 can take off from 50 feet of submarine deck only a metre wide. Mustapha was able to obtain papers, released only last year by the Australian Government which indicate that Starlight practiced take offs with a narrow-undercarrieage SE5 for six months until he could take off in 80 feet between to chalk lines only a metre wide.

On a clear Turkish morning Captain Starlight took off from the deck of the AE1 and headed for Gallipoli. It was to be ...........

 

[Captain]

........ a difficult trip as he had kept the fuel load down to aid the takeoff (crash(avref)-hot(exhaustref)avref), plus they had no premium unleaded on the Sub so the (early version of a Rotax) engine was pinging like a bastard (turboref) as he struggled to get into the air.

 

And THAT was just the start, because those Cunning Nationalistic Turks (CNT's) (we are lucky that they were not Cunning United Nationalistic Turks) started to plink away at Starlight as he rounded the corner from the Dardanelles into a 30 knot headwind (isn't it always?), which forced him to consider his predicament and scratch his ........... 

Edited November 3, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......name on the fuselage so he could be identified if one of the plinks turned into a plonk.

Finally he saw a group of uniformed soldiers running inland from the hills above Gallipoli. "Turk's!" he thought "the beastly cowards are running away; I'll get every one of them!", and he opened up with the Lewis gun, which was a mistake because the Lewis gun wasn't tuned for the SE5 enging and took off half its prop!.

 

He got the soldiers though, but he was not to know that it was a platoon of New Zealand infantry, who, on the first day had climbed the cliffs, run over the tops of the hills and down the other side to the Turkish inland through one of the tiny gaps left by Attaturk that day.  Too late "Cappy" as he was known, realised his mistake and .....................................

 

[Captain]

...... tried to evaluate what a platoon of Kiwis was worth.

 

Then he remembered the old joke .... Q If a Kiwi and a Cook Islander both jump of the Sydney Harbour Bridge at the same time, which one will hit the water first?

 

A Who cares?

 

So he decided to just adjust his enging (turbopostref) and again scratch his .........

Edited November 3, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......name on the fuselage, only this time on the other side, since he now had two Armies firing at him, one led by Kemal Ataturk and the other led by General "Bunny' Adern, said to be able to eat lettuce through a wire netting fence with his buck teeth.

 

The two Armies were now facing in the direction of the SE5 ith both artilleries using star shells. Cappy was busy reading the instructions "How to release the bomb racks" and didn't see the..................

[Captain]

......... quirkiness of the situation as he was supposed to release the bombs and retain the bomb racks.

 

"Oh poop", he thought as he pictured the squadron quartermaster (this bloke was a bit of a dill and had established himself firmly as only being a 3/32master) going berserk. "Who jettisoned their bomb racks again, you clot, la-de-da pilot Starlight (using his best impersonation of the Sgt Major Williams in It Ain't Half Hot Mum)" he would say "And who has been scratching stuff on both sides of the cockpit of my lovely airplane (avref)?"

 

Starlight quivered at the thought of the 3/32master's derision, so he reached down again, got them out, and scratched his .............

 

He doesn't like la-de-dah Turbo Plonker, the Corvette driver, either, and who can blame him.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....main jets. this cleared the seawater and the SE5 climbed out just befoe it got it in the Nek [History Buffs: this incident led to a frequent saying in Colonial Empire days].

 

Turbo doesn't doubt the veracity of Cappy's 3/32 master story, he points out the very obvious problem, as clearly shown in this link.

 

He does remember the bugger though, who made him strip off in the middle of winter, march naked in Corps Boots past the local girls school enduring their comparison with the menu at Subway, and then ...........

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x09fzAuNfYU&list=RDx09fzAuNfYU&start_radio=1

[Captain]

........ Starlight had to spend the next 20 years fighting off those very same schoolgirls once they were 21 and wanted him as their ........

[turboplanner]

......shoe polisher, because of the ...........

[Captain]

13 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......shoe polisher, because of the ...........

....... way that he regularly polished his ......

[turboplanner]

...........shoes. He had a particular procedure which involved almost a tin of shoe polish, and was considered to be the best at it in the Regiment, although Cappy could give him a run for his money when he was in the mood.

 

Cappy was still taking fore from both armies and the holes in the wings would have given Bernoulli himself a run for his money, so he tried something novel; he pulled back on the stick and gained altitude and the armies went back to shooting at each other.

 

Turning for the coast and still over the Turkish Lines. He saw what he thought was a row of ammunition sheds in a sheltered gully and droped his bombs in a line, wiping out the lot.

 

Bir Türk askeri "Şimdi ne yapacağız efendim" diye haykırdı. "Nasıl sıçacağız?"

 

But Attaturk just smiled and said ".................

 

[For the benefit of Cappy and any other pedants sniffing around, Turbo was quoting directly from Chapter 7 of His Majesty's Airship Handling Manual for Naval ratings assigned to Flying Ships, headed "Releasing your Bomb Racks". This follows Chapter 6 headed "Securing your Bomb Racks"; Arthur L Tarling, World War One Historian by His Majesty's Order.]

[Captain]

45 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

But Attaturk just smiled and said ".................

........ "Up yours you Aussie wanker". (Few know that Kamal grew up around the slums of Moorabbin and was jibed by all his Skippy mates who always called him Camel).

 

(A direct quote from Kamal Attaturk's Diary, page 29 paragraph 6)

 

The pilot just smiled in that dashing Sean Connery sort of way (Tink has a striking resemblance to Sean Connery ............... in the hours before he passed away) so he inverted (avref) a finger and waved down at ........

Edited November 3, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......the unfortunate Turks who were lining up along what had become the Shitters Ditch of Turkey, artfully avoided by both side in the advancing/retreating skirmishes on the way up to Lone Pine.

 

The radiator on the SE5 had been holed by an Australian bullet and the temperature gauge showed nothing on it but the maker's name.

 

What was he to do .........................

[Captain]

........ which would normally be decided over a cup of tea and a dog biscuit, but it was hard to light a fire in the airship and the 3/32master would have had conniptions sweeping the little burnt sticks out on our hero's return (which was hoped for but not expected.

 

He thought it all through, smiled knowingly, and just for fun he again scratched his ........

[Captain]

........ which would normally be decided over a cup of tea and a dog biscuit, but it was hard to light a fire in the airship and the 3/32master would have had conniptions sweeping the little burnt sticks out on our hero's return (which was hoped for but not expected by his lineup of lady friends).

 

He thought it all through, smiled knowingly, and just for fun he again scratched his ........

Edited November 3, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...........main jets.

............main jets.

 

This looked like Deja Vu all over again to the 3/32master, who knew the fuel blockage had been cleared the first time around and sensed a deeper peculiarity in Captain Starlight lately

 

"He always was eccentric" said 3/32 "but what with all this polishing his boots and scratching his main jets, I'm inclined to think he is shell shocked what!"

 

Now we all know from his grandson's activities that it was more likely a secret stash of gin, but 3/32 didn't know that and .............

[Captain]

36 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

but 3/32 didn't know that and .............

.......... just assumed that Starlight was a typical Wreck Flying member and was therefore ...........

 

 

PS - "Kamal was a lovely boy who was always well behaved and he had great promise. He never appeared to me to be a bomb-chucker like some of the more radical nippers" ... a quote from Kamal Ataturk's Kindy teacher in 1921, at Moorabbin state school ......... Then she added "And some of the cruel boys (TinkyWink was one of those) nicknamed him Camel and Turbs even called him a "Camel Toe" at times, when the irony was that Turbs was actually one of those himself).

Edited November 3, 2020 by Captain

[Captain]

SIDE NOTE - EEEEEN JUST CALLED ME TO SEE IF WE SHOULD BE CONCERENED AT TURBO'S FIXATION ON "MAIN JETS" AND WHETHER HE SHOULD BE BANNED FOR REFERRING TO THIS ALL THE TIME.

 

I AM TURBO'S BEST FRIEND, BUT I DID SAY TO EEEEEEEN THAT I DO BELIEVE THAT TUBB'S CONSTANT AND SOMEWHAT TIRESOME "MAIN JET" REFERENCE IS UNHEALTHY AND CARNAL,  SO IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I WOULD BE CONSIDERING A BAN.

 

WHAT IS THE VIEW OF OUR MANY THOUSANDS OF NER'ERS?

 

 

Edited November 4, 2020 by Captain

[onetrack]

The view of many NER'er's is that, as a bunch of clever and highly qualified engineers, they're at a loss to explain why NES'ers are so concerned about Turbo's fixation with main jets.

 

Main jets are a vital functioning part of virtually all spark ignition engines, and it is important to be fixated on clean and polished main jets, as a dirty main jet is something abominable, and would cause the average engineer to have conniptions.

 

But none of this relates very clearly to our hero, who has more problems than just a dirty main jet. He's bombed his own troops, accidently dumped his bomb racks, has a holed radiator, taken fire from both sides, and even scratched his name on both sides of the fuselage (a chargeable offence under "wilfully damaging military property" sections of military law), in an attempt to gain some recognition.

 

But all of the foregoing pales into insignificance, when you learn that, not only is he losing altitude faster than a falling brick from a CFMEU building site, he's heading straight for Shitters Ditch, and that is one thing.......

Edited November 4, 2020 by onetrack

[Captain]

........ that the Human Factors lectures warn you .......

[turboplanner]

.........not to do because even a splash may cause hepatitis, and as he looked over the nose he could see this was going to be a lot more than just a splash. The ditch was flowing like a river with ...................

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

The ditch was flowing like a river with ...................

........... large bubbles glooping to the surface and small white creatures could be seen to be squirming along the edges.

 

Starlight recognized the putrid mess from the time that he lived in in Mextoria and he was very wary of the ......... 

[turboplanner]

....white creatures. Starlight of course, came from NSW where they just "went" whereever they needed to whether out in the bush, in the bakery or even at the annual Wagga Wagga Debutantes Ball, although NSW had started to frown on indoor displays.

 

So he ignored them when he hit, but after lying there semi conscious for an hour he realised one had almost dug through to his guts and another one had bitten off a piece of his ear. He decided to burn them off but the petrol from the SE5 ..............................

 

 

[Captain]

52 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

but the petrol from the SE5 ...............

........... was exhausted as he, like most Wreck Flyers & AUF members, had failed to leave enough reserve (he was 145 kgs overweight as well, even after dumping his bomb racks) and had not designated any alternates (except for an emergency plan to landing bugger all distance away down below him on the beach at Gallipoli).

 

Sandy was cheered by the rest of the AUF members who thought that designating an alternate is for wooses, but that didn't help him when ........

 

 

Edited November 4, 2020 by Captain