The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

..... had produced all the problems in the first place. But unfortunately for Turbo, he was unaware that Australian artillery had homed in on the A7V, and very soon, an 18-pounder shell was whizzing in his direction.

As Turbo's luck would have it, the Australian artillery didn't have the precise range for the tank, and the first shot was a ranging shot.

It landed just 50 metres from Turbo, who had dived into a nearby trench, as soon as Onetrack yelled out "INCOMING!!"

The unfortunate part for Turbo was that he'd dived into a German latrine trench, meaning he was now well and truly in the sXXX.

Of course, Turbo had completely missed the smell of the latrine, thinking it was just the remnants of his killer sauerkraut fart.

After the 18 pounder exploded without injuring anyone, Turbo dragged himself from the latrine, cursing his luck.

"Oooh!", said Bull, "that latrine has improved your regular BO pong, out of sight! You haven't smelt that good since the Gumly CWA held their.......

[turboplanner]

Chook plucking competition (Turbo had won a sash for wringing the necks and plucking 18 chickens in 13 minutes 28 seconds, beating Constable Doubtfire by three seconds, and for the next five years wished he hadn't). He looked carefully at the gunners in the Australian artillery, saw that all their knuckles were grazed so they were only Queenslanders and would need to stop for a five minute smoke, ordered the Gear Slammer to slam the A7V into third gear, his sergeant to order his RH Steering Brake controller to pull on three clicks, the Clutch Lance Corporal to ease it out,  his Throttle Lance Corporal to give it one quarter, and his cook to make them all eggs and bacon and coffee for six minutes time when he had cleaned up the Queenslanders who were a far more important target than the Germans. It was working perfectly until.......

[bull]

cappy stuck his head in the hatch and screamed Hey you lot, workplace health and safety here now stop all engines and close all valves and exit the machine you lot , and where is your high vis shirts and safety boots? and whats that oil doing on the steps and where is the fire blanket for that stove , and why is all this electric cables hanging down and held up by bits of bloody rags??Who is in charge here,and you turdo where do you think your slinking away to hmmm.... Righto wheres my report book he said as....................

 

Edited December 1, 2020 by bull

[turboplanner]

........the 18 member crew (this was one of the assets of  the A7V) closed in on him and explained.

"It's pitch dark in there, and we stay in our seats" said the Safety Delegate, Sergeant Blake, "so there's no need for Hi Viz, and since there is nothing to fall except our paper cups of coffee and buns, these Nikes do the job better and make a lot less noise when we drive around trying to sneak up on the Germans."

"The stove is carbide powered with gauze protection and, like a Miner's light completely fireproof" said Lance Corporal Ramsay "so if the tank is climbing vertically out of a XXXXXXX trench, there's no XXXXXXX fire ti cause a problem but hot coffee all over your XXXXX is no XXXXXXX joke."

"As computers haven't been invented yet" said Loom Operator, Corporal Sparks I have to manually reprogram the tank on the run, so I need access to these wires all the time, and the bits of rag are made from a new material called rubber which comes from trees and prevents shorts" Cappy had no idea what that technical talk was all about, and trapped in a time warp had become confused. Then he saw Turbo, and did the only thing he could; reached into his pocket and said "Have a gin, and ............."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[bull]

Sit back down, Now after all this modern confusion of rubber and such had Cappy  seeing flashforwards of another time,when he had to take on hitler alone way behind enemy lines with his trusty 303. Now this upset the A7V ,s crew to no end as they where so sick of cappys stories  and 35mm film collection ,and having to watch another rerun on the wall of the tank [with the 35mm projector

that turned up from somewhere]all over again was the last straw ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,as cappy,s alter ego Benny was about to...................

 

Edited December 2, 2020 by bull

[Captain]

And so, Dear Readers, the NES is mired in tributes to last century's pommy humour.

 

On the other hand, The Skipper is much more highbrow with Fawlty Towers, as shown below.

 

[bull]

56 minutes ago, Captain said:

And so, Dear Readers, the NES is mired in tributes to last century's pommy humour.

 

On the other hand, The Skipper is much more highbrow with Fawlty Towers, as shown below.

 

And this is how the captain keeps amused lol,said sir Nobu as he...........

 

[turboplanner]

..........tried to get his bearings. It had been all so simple.

"The Emperor has a job for you" his commander had said

"Catch the train to KOB, line up on the wharf at 0800, and we will take you to your cruise ship 'Plenti Saki', and during your trip you will be taught to fly, ending with a real flight to Honoruru where girls will dance in grass skirts."

"It was all so exciting, lessons on deck every day, and then that Sunday morning when the all took off, and we dropped Christmas presents on Hawaii, but some bloody shot me down and I was swimming in the the Australian sector of Honoruru (Not many people know that Australians were central to protecting the US Naval base), and the Australians took me to a prison camp at the end of the earth, Cowla."

He continued " I escaped and had good life with Shirey, six kids, but now here I am in World War 1 next to John Crease, and ......."

[Captain]

38 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

He continued " I escaped and had good life with Shirey, six kids, but now here I am in World War 1 next to John Crease, and ......."

......... here we are fighting the Turks in Garripori, me wearing a srouch hat and not a wasabi sachet nor a sushi train in sight.

 

But Simpson (and his donkey) offered hope when .......... 

[turboplanner]

..........the donkey saw through the Slouch hat disguise, trotted up to Nobu and said "You and I don't belong in this war, so before they put a bridle on you too and start making you carry fat Australians, how about you get some bloodstained bandages, and hop on my back and I'll take you down to the beach and along to Port Turkey where there are ships leaving for Switzerland, which is neutral and from there we'll fly back to Cowra, and .........

[Captain]

....... Shirley will be just 4 years old.

 

"Oh, that's a big plobrem" decrared the Nob "As I am not a kiddie fiderer and I am having difficurty glasping the concept of .......

Edited December 5, 2020 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....a child blide.

Just then Turbo walked up, prepared for anything as always, carrying a club and a spotted cowskin cape, an AK47, boomerang, battleaxe, laser gun, and dirk and dressed  in chainmail top and kilt, with steel capped boots and a Roman helmet.

 

Hanging on his belt was the key to a Jabiru [avref].

 

"Ohayō gozaimasu" he said to Nobuko "Hi Donkey" he said to the donkey, who took immediate offence at being marginalised.

"I may be a donkey" said the donkey, but I have a name, and my mother was a princess.

 

"What's your name then" asked Turbo.

 

"I'm not saying" said the donkey turning red ( which is hard to do when your coat is red, and...........)

[bull]

That dear readers is how the world is looking in 2020 totally fxxxked up . a donkey with a princess mother and a japanese fighter pilot riding a donkey at gallipoli .  What has 2021 have in store screamed turdo as he fed the donkey some really nice weed 🤪and it started to...........                                            

 

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by bull

[Captain]

1 hour ago, bull said:

and it started to...........

............ all fall into prace, as Nobu, who is skilled in YouTube subriminal messages, arerted ASIO and CASA to the final words in bull's video which all good NESers will recognise as being in Turkish and which was a call to arms by ...........

[onetrack]

....the Black Hand section of the Turkish Army Commandos (a very secretive group, about which little is known), and the call was to gather all Turks in every part of the world to rise up against the oppression of Turks, which has been carried out since the Ottoman Empire was dismantled by the massed Christians.

However, President Erdogan has decreed that the Ottoman Empire will rise again under his oversight, and once again, the world will feel the Turks authority, and experience their Islamic superiority over the weak Christian Nations, who will be overrun by the Turks again, and their churches turned into Mosques. 

"But WW1 was supposed to end the Turks run?", cried Onetrack. "What happened to all our efforts to keep these raging Muzzies in check?"

"It's obvious we need to fight WW1 all over again", said Turbo Smith (who was given the middle name of Herbert, such was his parents doting on Herbert Smith and his outstanding abilities [subtle avref]). 

"Accordingly, I've produced the design plans for a Sopwith Camel MKVIII), (avref) built in fibreglass and powered by a 912UL Rotax to bring it into 21st Century design practices. As a result, we've lowered the build cost enormously, improved the power output and handling tremendously - and this little aircraft will also appeal to Recreational Flying owners, too - as it has classic lines, with the security of 21st Century design and build quality".

"There's one slight problem in all your War planning", said Cappy, as he sucked on his Gin. "The Turks have done the same with their armaments, and now our fliers (avref) will have to face......

Edited December 6, 2020 by onetrack

[bull]

This from Turkish aircraft industries[ avref ]

,,faaarrk screamed Turdo Cappy and bull and onesie all at once ,[which set off the donkey into a screaming fit] now what are we gunna do , said Sir Nibu..............                           

Edited December 6, 2020 by bull

[Captain]

2 hours ago, bull said:

said Sir Nibu.............

... who had recently changed his name by deed poll.

 

Then Turbo Churchill (Winny or Whiney to his mates) made the very prescient (unusualwordref) & perceptive observation that the Turkish aircraft will all automaticaal face east after every prayer call, and grow a ratty (Cappyref) beard before strapping on ........

 

(No Tink, not what you strap on)

 

Edited December 6, 2020 by Captain

[bull]

their custom made ...................

[turboplanner]

..........deer shoes to ............

[Captain]

...... ensure that they ......

[turboplanner]

.........could fly [avref] because it was .................

[Captain]

25 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.........could fly [avref] because it was .................

...... a nice day, which always attracts ......

[turboplanner]

......March Flies [avref]......which.....

[bull]

are captured and attached to the wings to increase thrust of the..........

 

[turboplanner]

......upper surface of the................