The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

....,executed. But it gets even worse than that. The execution is carried out by being tied up, then tickled to death, with a feather on the feet, wielded by Constable Doubtfires sister, Jacinta.

 

But before that occurs, the offender is also tortured. The torture is worse than anything the Gestapo ever thought up - because this is CASA. It starts with a.......

[turboplanner]

.........ramp check, which anyone knows is designed to catch those who never bothered with instructors in their lives and..........

[Captain]

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........ramp check, which anyone knows is designed to catch those who never bothered with instructors in their lives and..........

........ that is where the feather (as mentioned above by onesie) comes into play again.

 

(That reminds Cappy of the old joke .............. What is the difference between "kinky" and "depraved"? ...... Answer .... If you tickle it with a feather that is kinky, but if you use the whole chook, that is depraved.)

 

And in this case, knowing CASA and their activities on The Dark Web (TDW), a crate of chooks were used to .......... 

Edited January 13, 2021 by Captain

[CT9000]

6 hours ago, Captain said:

........ that is where the feather (as mentioned above by onesie) comes into play again.

 

(That reminds Cappy of the old joke .............. What is the difference between "kinky" and "depraved"? ...... Answer .... If you tickle it with a feather that is kinky, but if you use the whole chook, that is depraved.)

 

And in this case, knowing CASA and their activities on The Dark Web (TDW), a crate of chooks were used to .......... 

re write the rules for a flight review under the new licence system. They walked the chooks across a puddle of ink then onto butchers paper then called it the part 149 ............  {149 being the number of chook feet by their count}

[onetrack]

....which then led to discussions as to what the chook head count would be used for. "Hang on!", cried Turbo, "that's an uneven number of chooks feet, they must've either used a 3-legged chook, or a one-legged chook!"

 

"That's against all the rules associated with utilising chooks for writing! They'll have to go back to scratch (chook ref), and re-write the rules, utilising two-footed chooks only, to prevent any aberrant......

 

Edited January 14, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

41 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

re write the rules for a flight review under the new licence system. They walked the chooks across a puddle of ink then onto butchers paper then called it the part 149 ............  {149 being the number of chook feet by their count}

SIDE COMMENT - Welcome to the NES, CT9000.

 

You'll find friends here, as Turbo is a bit of a ct too.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Captain

[CT9000]

Hi captain I just stumbled on to this whilst waiting for the billy to boil. Thanks for the welcome.   For your info a CT is an aircraft made by Flight Design in Germany.

[Captain]

10 minutes ago, onetrack said:

....which then led to discussions as to what the chook head count would be used for. "Hang on!", cried Turbo, "that's an uneven number of chooks feet, they must've either used a 3-legged chook, or a one-legged chook!"

 

"That's against all the rules associated with utilising chooks for writing! They'll have to go back to scratch (chook ref), and re-write the rules, utilising two-footed chooks only, to prevent any aberrant......

 

...... changes that might facilitate flyers enjoying themselves in freedom.

 

"I can understand the uniroute's obsession about banning 3 legged chooks" contributed bull "But how can he be certain that fraudulent votes weren't cast by 4 legged chooks and ballot harvesting through wonky voting machines like they did in Pennsylvania and ......

[Captain]

4 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

Hi captain I just stumbled on to this whilst waiting for the billy to boil. Thanks for the welcome.   For your info a CT is an aircraft made by Flight Design in Germany.

Thanks mate. I've seen a few of them and flown one. And for your info Turbo is a ct of an aviator, made in Victoria.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....look how that turned out. Word is only just leaking out about who the clowns were that came up with the expanding vote concept. And who left the dollars out of the recipe? - the rumours are it was Don's mate Cappy, ad fox News is about to ........

[onetrack]

.....break open a huge story involving the Don, rigged voting machines, a fake Jedi Rat in Australia, transfers of large sums of money to a small country bank on the NSW border, stolen chooks, false entries in flying logbooks, and well-known aviation personalities, who are currently in hiding.

 

The journalist who cracked the story, one Jeezits Neerlie Aycou, is well known for his persistent and successful attempts to crack open secret deals, uncover corruption in high places, and pin down fraudulent election polls.

 

The involvement of the fake Australian Jedi Rat is unknown in the whole story at this stage, but is believed he is also in hiding, in a retirement village near Wodonga, and Aycou hopes very shortly, to spring (literally) a surprise snap interview with this Rat, and bring him......

[Captain]

...... back to some semblance of reality, so that it won't .......

[turboplanner]

....affect his flying, and hopefully soon they'll find an instructor [avref] brave enough to take him for a BFR. Long term NES readers will remember what happened during the last one.

On the positive side, Cappy has been located in a country Nursing Home. On the other side he is identifying as the female Matron, and a bitchy one at that, so it is urgent ....................

[Captain]

........ that we find him a 7 3/4 size matron's head dress and a pair of size 13 white sensible shoes to match his deep matronly voice and his bad attitude, which is taking the Nursing Home by .......

 

THIS IS THE DESIRED "LOOK".

He already has the lippy & a set of fake medals.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

SIDEBAR - The Captain hopes that the above photo does not dissuade CT9000, bull or Planey from posting here again. (The Skipper knows that Turdboy, Onesie and Salty will be OK with it, as they regularly dress in CWA uniforms too NTTIAWWT).

 

Despite the fearsome "look" Cappy is actually a lovely bloke, if not slightly "troubled". (Turbo knows this well from almost 5 decades of close friendship and working with Cappy regularly during that period to address several "issues".)

 

Eeeeeen also knows your beloved Cappy well from numerous AUF Natfly knees-ups ("What goes on [or comes off] at Natfly stays at Natfly" .... which was an AUF moto for many years) and Eeeeeeen will surely vouch for him rather than ban him (it is hoped).

Edited January 15, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....storm becase the oldies love that sort of person, even if they've forgotten why.

Everything was going surprisingly well until Cappy saw an ad for a Thruster and bought it sight unseen. The photo in the ad had been taken 15 years earliler, so in full Matron's uniform Cappy started to rebuild it.

 

He had done quite a good job because he was a meticulous person, and against all odds he'd completed the rebuild and even though Turbo look at everything several times, hoping for a gaffe, he had to admit there were no faults.

 

So they wheeled it out for its first flight, Cappy in the Matron's dress, hat and lippy. It was then that Turbo noticed how much weight Cappy had put on.

 

Cappy said "Get in Turbo", but a cold chill went up Turbo's spine when he realised this thing was 30% over MTOW [an avref term, but members shouldn't worry about sh!t like that].

 

He couldn't let his dear friend Cappy down, and he couldn't insult him by telling he was a fatberg, so he reluctantly, as many pilots do on that last, fatal flight, climbed into the right seat, which he noticed was a plastic chair stamped Grong Grong Public Hall.

 

With a lot of heaving and grunting, Cappy managed to squeeze into the seat stamped "Wagga Wagga Clinic - Outpatients Only, No Smoking"

 

To Turbo's great surprise, the engine started instantly, Cappy selected WOT (he never did any of those silly check things), and Turbo was pushed in the back so hard that his chair began to buckle (and NES readers will know there's nothing more painfull than a buckled chair). Cappy only had vision in one eye and a cataract on the other so the took out the Club flag after Cappy made a sharp turn left, but it was easy going, but after a loop of two, a wingover for the girls at the RSL and a beach beatup they returned for a perfect landing (which Cappy does by ear).

 

It was then that they noticed...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It was then that they noticed...........

..... the dot of shame on Turbo's jodpers, for he had done a spoonfull during one of the wingovers.

 

"Don't worry old mate" said Cappy with a peg on his nose "Worse things have happened, but I just can't think of anything more embarrassing at the moment ...... however it all proves that you never need to worry about all that MTOW, W&B and Checklist malarkey when you strap 3 blueheads together into a W6 and you have more power that an Offenhauser in your sprintcar."

 

Turbo agreed and added "But just don't mention my indiscretion on the NES, will you old friend."

 

"No worries Tink, old chap, I'll stay schtumm if you will just .........

Edited January 16, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....say nothing about the stolen chairs, the stolen hospital bedsheets I used for wing and fuselage covering, the stolen aluminium tubing from Bunnings, the "hot" accessories on the Rotax - and the fact that I never even bothered to get an aircraft inspection or a rego number."

 

"Yeah, I can do that", said Turbo. "I'll also turn a blind eye to the overweight issue, even though you'd go to jail for it, if you were caught!". 

 

"Are you telling me the authorities are rounding up fatties, and jailing them, now??, said Cappy in horror. "They can't do that, that would mean......

[Captain]

29 minutes ago, onetrack said:

They can't do that, that would mean......

...... that I'd be one of the 1st sent to the hoosgow, and the other prisoners would do to me what a number of NES contributors have tried to do ever since post #3, when ........

Edited January 16, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....someone reported that their airstrip had been stolen - when it was right there all the time, and the gent was just disorientated, thanks to some serious deficiencies in his map-reading skills.

 

But Cappy, being the fattie he was now, was pretty worried about being rounded up and sent to the hoosegow - because he was now scared he'd get stuck, going through the main door. 

 

He'd seen American newsclips of fat Americans being transported on stretchers hung from cranes, and he was terrified that he would end up going.......

 

 

 

(Dear NES Readers, if you examine the Jedi Rats photo, you will see he's now wearing a large shapeless robe to hide his increasing girth, and folds of flesh, and you also note the inability to hold his Jedi wand in his fat little paws, and he's actually holding it between his teeth. This is a sad state of affairs, obviously caused by excessive imbibing of gin and fine wines, too many visits to fast food places such as Maccas, Pizza shops, and other fine dining establishments. It won't be long before the Jedi Rat will be asking Eeeeaan for a larger avatar space allocation, to enable him to fit his corpulent frame into it. In short, he is well on his way to becoming a Fat Rat.)

 

 

Edited January 16, 2021 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

.............to the great Kentucky Fried in the sky heavier than a Sherman tank. So he asked his friend for help on what to eat to reduce the blubber.

"Cat meat" said Turbo in an instant. The Cat Farm Cat/Rat ratio had got out of sync and he had tonnes to offload.  He'd noticed McDonalds were offering Big Angus burgers and Waygu burgers, so he made a pitch for them to sell the cat meat. He was honest; he branded it CAT in capital letters, and that's how Maccas sold it, and the best customers were skinny young tradies who drove Landcruisers. If NES readers take a look in the car park next time they go down for a bite, they'll see the Landcruisers lined up with Turbo's CAT mudflaps or CAT rear window sticker's.

 

Turbo had coined a new positioning statement; "IT'S A CAT'S WORLD".

 

Cappy sounded a little doubtful, preferring to ...............

 

[Captain]

 

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Cappy sounded a little doubtful, preferring to ...............

........, meanwhile, sit back and allow the less sensitive other forum members and NESers to put the boot in, just because he is a tad portly and a fat CT 155 (kgs).

 

So he waddled down to his hangar in the bottom paddock (his lady friends & the Taxman all think it is a hay shed) to prepare the Thruster with the 3 Blue Heads (on a common crankshaft of the Skipper's own patented design) to be ready for the 2021 Reno Air Races.

 

Both Turbs and Cappy decided to give the Thruster a run over there as, after the test flight and the evidence of the broken chairs & Turbo's jodhpurs (now cleaned up and like new) etc, they thought the Thruster would have more chance of winning than would their original plan of taking the crashed, scrapped and rebuilt ex Pakistani, ex Venezuelan and ex-Turkmenistan F16 that Turdboy had rebuilt in the Captain's hangar (as shown in Tink's avatar).

 

"I reckon that my CT (avref not Turboref) would be a better bet" said the 9000 showing commendable brand loyalty, but Salty strongly disagreed, while bull remained silent as usual and Planey was incensed, letting everyone know, with a ..........  

 

TURBO, INSPECTING THE F16 BEFORE PARTING WITH HIS CASH TO BUY IT.

HE DID A GREAT JOB REBUILDING IT.

Edited January 17, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......raised finger that they should stick to the subject which was ..............................

[onetrack]

....winning the 2021 Reno Air race - not bragging about individual aircraft choices. After Cappy and Turbo had gone over both the Thruster and the F16 with a fine tooth comb, it was decided that the decision was so close, a toss of a coin would have to constitute the decision-making process.

At that, Cappy drew his favourite double-headed Two-Up coin from his pocket, and holding it up so no-one could see either of the heads, he said loudly, "I bags throwing the coin, and I pick Heads for the Thruster!"

 

But Turbo was used to Cappys cunning ways and said, "No, we'll use a random coin from the coin-holder from my taxi-driving days, for the toss!" - and at that, he quickly pulled out his special double-tailed 50c piece, and tossed it in the air, yelling, "I bags Tails for the F16!!" 

And the instant the coin stopped rolling and laid flat, and everyone saw it was a Tail - Turbo swooped and recovered the coin, and returned it to the special spot in his coin-holder. 

 

"Hang on!", cried Cappy, suspecting his old mate was just as crooked as he was - "We never got to inspect the coin! Pull the coin out again, so we can get a look at it, and ensure that there's no funny business going on here, or we'll have to......

 

 

Edited January 17, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

16 hours ago, onetrack said:

"Hang on!", cried Cappy, suspecting his old mate was just as crooked as he was - "We never got to inspect the coin! Pull the coin out again, so we can get a look at it, and ensure that there's no funny business going on here, or we'll have to......

............... investigate all those games of Strip 2-Up that you won at the Coonabarabran (soon to be renamed Cheersabarabran) CWA, because as you know, those CWA girls can get feral if cheated & they always thought it suspicious when you won 40 games in a row on heads ............ and 40 consecutive wins at Strip 2-Up gets a lot of gear hitting the floor, not to mention what went on afterwards when .......

 

THE CWA LADIES OUTSIDE THEIR CLUBHOUSE

AFTER THEY ALL GOT THEIR KIT BACK ON.

Edited January 17, 2021 by Captain