The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"......was in China and we built an airport [avref]?"

"What date was that?" asked Mavis warily

"It was a Tuesday" replied Cappy in his usual evasive manner "and we had just ................."

 

 

.......... airlifted a bunch of Navy Seals out of an ambush in the Bekaa Valley. That wasn't a particularly difficult mission as there were only about 50 Taliban surrounding the landing area (importantavref), but I was in less danger there than I was last night from a number of lovely but aggressive ladies at the BBQ party down on the creek, where a mix of rum, vodka and gin Jelly Shots were consumed amongst a few bottles of Pikes Shiraz, a heap of assorted mixers and the odd wacky tobaccy rollies."

 

"Why didn't you call us for an invite?" asked Tubb and bull who just love .........

[turboplanner]

........ going into action with Cappy because he always takes Point and never fails to throw them a few good shots.

"Because there were only 50" said Cappy modestly, and it was all over in a few minutes except for one old.............."

[Captain]

37 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........ going into action with Cappy because he always takes Point and never fails to throw them a few good shots.

"Because there were only 50" said Cappy modestly, and it was all over in a few minutes except for one old.............."

....... bloke, who looked like a cross between Osama BL, Turbo and Brine (viz, a salty old dude), who gave the Skipper a thumbs up and they parted with mutual battlefield respect.

 

Once the hostilities are over, Cappy intends to sponsor that old codger to migrate to Moorabbistan to run the Mosque and to be head teacher at the Madrasa that is next door (as leased to them by Turbine Real Estate). In that way Ratty hopes to ............

Edited February 7, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....be able to strengthen his Afghan ties to ensure that he can return to the country any time he wishes, without fear of being attacked by a suicide bomber, or assassinated in his taxi by machine gun-toting assailants on a motorcycle.

 

Meantimes, the Afghans at the new madrassas have dedicated an entire schoolroom to training suicide bombers, so that they're ready when the time comes to turn Australia into an Islamic Repulblic.

 

However, it seemed that the suicide bomber training was not going to plan - in particular when one trainee was found to be an ASIO plant. He was partly given away by his poor recitation of Islamic prayers.

 

Perhaps the biggest giveaway, though, was when he failed to........

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

........respect elders past and present and it was on since the Afghans fancied themselves as First Australians (not to be confused with the First Nations bunch from Canada, Washington and Oregon). "We was ere first Bro" said Mustapha pointing to the beautiful flag made by a NCN machine, and ............

[Captain]

17 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........respect elders past and present and it was on since the Afghans fancied themselves as First Australians (not to be confused with the First Nations bunch from Canada, Washington and Oregon). "We was ere first Bro" said Mustapha pointing to the beautiful flag made by a NCN machine, and ............

....... a shipload of camels (shipsofthedesertref) with signs on them saying "I was left here by Mustapha's great grandfather", ..... with all signs duplicated in New Arabic script & laminated. (There was also a copyright label in the bottom right corner from "Turbine's Halal Printers 2020" ..... which made everyone just a little suspicious that the signs may not have been contemporaneous with Mustapha's stated great relo).

 

"I hear that Mustapha's great grandfather wasn't so great" commented bull, who was also from Afghan stock (the FNQ branch of the family) but bull had grown up in the free love & liberal environment of bone, where nobody had had their hands chopped off for stealing lollies, since about 1972, and bull hadn't worn a burqua since he lost his virginity in 1981.

 

bull loved the Afghan traditions of fighting everyone and not letting girls go to school, so he ........

 

ALL NESERS SHOULD PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT THIS POST MAY CONTAIN IMAGES AND HUMOUR (SIC &/OR SICK) INVOLVING PERSONS WHO MAY HAVE DIED AND WE ALSO MAY NOT HAVE ADEQUATELY RESPECTED OLD PHARTS PAST AND PRESENT (Except Eeeeean, of course, who we all respect).

Edited February 8, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

The photo below shows bull at the last "back-to-bone" family reunion.

 

He was in a lot of demand as the bone CWA ladies love a bloke with a manly mustache, an ammo belt and an eyebrow.

 

[bull]

and the rat has contemplated the religion for its OTHER benefits plus the government  benefits are pretty good too. He was heard to say as he visited Westfield shopping town and did not see one other people beside islamic people ,But that 4 wife thing sounds pretty cool?,,,, spoke up onesie from over in the corner making a prayer mat . Why even the other day he was telling me about ........................................

Edited February 8, 2021 by bull

[Captain]

17 hours ago, bull said:

and the rat has contemplated the religion for its OTHER benefits plus the government  benefits are pretty good too. He was heard to say as he visited Westfield shopping town and did not see one other people beside islamic people ,But that 4 wife thing sounds pretty cool?,,,, spoke up onesie from over in the corner making a prayer mat . Why even the other day he was telling me about ........................................

AS HAS BEEN EVIDENT BY THE PASSING OF TIME SINCE bull's POST, FEW ON THE NES ARE WILLING TO RISK A NEGATIVE FATWA BY TACKLING THE MUSLIM QUESTIONS POSED BY bull.

 

HOWEVER, YOUR CAPTAIN, EVER THE BRAVE NESER, HAS SPOKEN TO A NUMBER OF MUSLIM LADIES WHO ARE INVOLVED IN PLURAL MARRIAGES AND WHEN ASKED, THEY ALL SAID THE SAME THING ........... AND I QUOTE ................. "إذا مات سيموت", WHICH WHEN ROUGHLY TRANSLATED MEANS "IF HE DIES, HE DIES,"

Edited February 9, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

17 hours ago, bull said:

and the rat has contemplated the religion for its OTHER benefits plus the government  benefits are pretty good too. He was heard to say as he visited Westfield shopping town and did not see one other people beside islamic people ,But that 4 wife thing sounds pretty cool?,,,, spoke up onesie from over in the corner making a prayer mat . Why even the other day he was telling me about .............................

......... a venture that he has put together in JV with the Turbine Weaving, Crochet, Embroidery & Quilting Institute (the WCEAQI), where onesie has formed a company (70/20 Turbo's way of course [with a 10% sling to Turbo's great mate, Cappy) called "Onemat", which is a clever play on his onetrack forum name and they make Prayer Mats which can also include the WA insignia, they can be woven with that dirty brown WA crappy sand and mud colour, and can have Mark McGowan's name embroidered into them (below is an example .... and please note Mark's tora, tora, tora type rising sun motif, which is part of his family crest & which radiates out when he bends over).

 

"I did some market research" commented Onesie proudly "And there are billions of 'em, so the market is strong and if I'm careful with the proceeds I might be able to buy that CT9000 that I have always wanted ..... but ......

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....a lot depends on whether the prophets are in it or not." "I think your idea is brilliant", said bull. "It has the potential to turn around our falling product sales to China, and increase our GDP to levels not seen, since we rode on the sheeps back!"

 

"Can I be your commission sales agent?" asked Cappy eagerly. "I'm sure, with my extensive skills and knowledge of foreign cultures, I'll be able to boost sales to astronomical levels! But those W.A.-style mats won't fly, the fact that McGowans name is on them is undesirable, although the crap colours are pretty good for those sXXXholes (to quote a recent U.S. Prez) of countries where the Muzzies are in majority control!"

 

"Yes, I see no problem with commission sales for me", said Onesie, "But you'll have to grow a decent beard, wear a blokes frock, get yourself some sandals, and...................

[Captain]

10 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"Yes, I see no problem with commission sales for me", said Onesie, "But you'll have to grow a decent beard, wear a blokes frock, get yourself some sandals, and...................

......... strap on a Semtex vest, before you ..........

 

CAPPY'S NEW MAT SALESMAN LOOK ........... EXCEPT HE IS NOT A RANGA.

Edited February 9, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

On 09/02/2021 at 11:23 AM, Captain said:

CAPPY'S NEW MAT SALESMAN LOOK ..........

Can you see the sad and distressing glazed eyes, the broken nose, the blank stare and the lines in his pockmarked face, caused by dealing with CASA, having to attend Human Factors lectures and imbibing in 2nd rate Gin as made by Turbine Distilleries Pty Ltd? 

 

The Skipper noted the lack of willingness by seasoned NESers to get involved in Fatwa related (boom-boom/bang-bang type) issues, so above he has turned the NES back to non secular hard/naughty living and aviation (avref) related issues (all as approved by Turbine Editing & Media Management Inc (the TEMMI). Planey was very happy as a result.

Edited February 10, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......which shows a wistful sadness, which Turbo identified and immediately phoned him. "RUOK?" asked Cappy but was greeted with a half hearted response, so they talked and Cappy started to talk about his father, who had given Cappy his negotiating skills and his morals.

Alphonse Cook was a deeply religious man who lived by five saints. Turbo momentarily forgets the first four, but they were well known anyway, but was intrigued by the fifth one; "He isa the besta" Alphonse had told Cappy "He Fida you every dai; he's name San Gweech".

Turbo ...................................

[onetrack]

"You gotta worship the San Gweech! If you don't-a have-a good-a home-a made San Gweech for lunch-a every dai, you notta able to do the best-a level of work, like-a concreting and-a brick-a laying!"

 

And so it came to be, that Cappy worshipped good home-made sandwiches, like a good Muzzie worships a comfortable prayer mat. 

 

"You gotta know how to build a proper sandwich, that keeps you going all day, through thick and thin, stress and pressure, and hard work!", Cappy was often heard to say.

 

The start of a good sandwich is the bread. If you don't use good Italian bread, you're wasting your time. You never use fresh bread! Fresh bread is the worst! Dough-ey and gooey and soft, it has no guts!"

 

"The first thing you do when you get a new loaf of Italian bread is throw up on top of the wardrobe for 3 days to let it harden up! Then, after 3 days, you get it down, and..........

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"RUOK?"

"RUOK you too, .......... and the horse you rode in on" replied Ratty, without his reading glasses on and without reading Turbo's message fully.

 

But Ratty did notice that Turbo had knocked off his San-Gweech joke from a video that Ratty had sent thru to him. If he could spell "plagiarized", Cappy would have added that term in here.

Edited February 11, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

4 hours ago, onetrack said:

 

"The first thing you do when you get a new loaf of Italian bread is throw up on top of the wardrobe for 3 days to let it harden up! Then, after 3 days, you get it down, and ..........

........ take it out to the garage where .......

[onetrack]

....you use your table saw to cut it into thick slices, which you then layer with a thick coat of the best European butter, followed by thick slices of salami, many strips of proscuitto, a good layer of gorgonzola, plenty of the finest crushed Italian garlic, and then you........

[Captain]

....... lift the lot up above your head, like the Ape did in 2001 A Moorabbin Odyssey (played by Clark Turbo in a costume hired from Turbine Film Sets & Cozzies Ltd [TFSACL]), give thanks to San-Gweech and then put the breadly, meaty & furry concoction on your ......

 

 

 

Is-a purfect-a for da San-Gweech

Edited February 11, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......plite nd use a heck saw to cut it into pieces and you havea luncha for one wik., unless.......

[onetrack]

....yu have-a the Capo dei capi roll up to pay you-a the visit - in which-a case, you better have something-a better than-a greasy sangweech to offer heem! In thees case, you better have-a the red-a carpet out, the pizza oven burn-a bright, and the finest vino een hees hand, before he even hits-a the carpet!

 

But Cappy knows things are brewing up, when the Godfather of Turbiniana Collegiani Società per Azioni pays him a visit - because it's all about a "leetle job he needs-a done". 

 

So Cappy prepares all the ingredients he knows he'll need - a large pair of boots, 4 bags of cement, some yellow sand, and a...............

[turboplanner]

...corkscrew to .......

[Captain]

6 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

...corkscrew to .......

.... shove up .....

[bull]

drainpipe to clear all of the old shower pubes. Bloody hell said Cappy, this is so thick and........

[onetrack]

.....greasy and slippery and smelly, it's just like when I was in.......