The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

..... pricked on the .....

[onetrack]

....more sensitive parts of the body, such as......

[Captain]

58 minutes ago, onetrack said:

....more sensitive parts of the body, such as......

...... their outlandishly exposed ........

[turboplanner]

........extensions, or ...........

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........extensions, or ...........

........ in Turbo's case, his outlandishly large & exposed .........

[turboplanner]

.......undercarriage with its big low flotation tyres.. He’d seen others flying along with the big wheels touching the surface but his seemed to go down and then.......

[Captain]

17 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......undercarriage with its big low flotation tyres.. He’d seen others flying along with the big wheels touching the surface but his seemed to go down and then.......

....... he'd get scared as he was never good at flying (avref) low & slow (see the notes in his license from his CFI, which included the aviation (avref) terms "hopeless" & "dangerous") and also he was always useless at "see & avoid" (anotheravref) where his instructor had described his natural ability as ..........

 

Explanatory note: For 30 years Turdy thought that the term was "see a void" and in the 3rd year of his twice weekly flying lessons (and thereafter during each BFI) he drove his instructor mad every time he flew over a quarry or a cave and he would proudly declare "There's one" and "There's another one", so each time the instructor would immediately undertake a full scan. His instructor still doesn't know how Tubb has been endorsed for an F16 (he has a full supersonic endorsement too) and often says "It just shows what excess money and a Corvette can achieve."

Edited April 8, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....."totally deficient in every area, and he should not be allowed to be in charge of anything powered by an engine over 2HP. In fact, this man would be a danger to himself with a rubber sword, and I would recommend that he be placed......."

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

............in an institution. Cappy is not one to criticise other people, but you'll note that he only used lower case for the word instructor. Dalton was not excactly a forceful character, but after a 15 minute cup of tea, did bring up the "void" issue with Turbo, who went to he briefcase and pulled out the CASA document, went to 186-345 (i) sub section 6 and there it was "In the circuit area it is the responsibility of the pilot to sea and void"

 

What could Dalton say? He knew that sometimes CASA made transcrition mistakes, but they were always followed by reams of correspondence explaining why the mistake was unavoidable, how it had been fixed, and how the pilot had no excuse in the meantime. 

 

Turbo explained to a red-faced Dalton that he was complying with the CASA paragraph because he would be grounded if he didn't.

 

Dalton's next test was with Cappy, and as Cappy swivelled his head like one of those sideshow clowns with the wide-open mouth, Dalton suggested a turn towards the sea, hoping Cappy would take the hint, but .....................

[onetrack]

....Cappy failed to even see the sea, which left Dalton seeing red, and seething with anger at Cappys inability to see anything beyond his (large and bulbous) nose.

 

A thought occurred to Dalton. Perhaps if he burst into an appropriate song, Cappy would finally take the hint.

 

Accordingly, and to soothe his nerves, Dalton burst forth with the classic lines, from that great old Wartime song -

 

"We joined the Navy, to see the world!

And what did we see? - we saw the sea!

 

We saw the Pacific and the Atlantic,
But the Atlantic isn't romantic,
And the Pacific isn't what it's cracked up to be!

 

We joined the navy to do or die,
But we didn't do, and we didn't die!
We were much too busy,
Looking at the ocean and the sky.........."

[Captain]

9 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Looking at the ocean and the sky........

....., the Captain said to the Mate "Tell us a tale" and this is the tale he told ........ "It was a dark and stormy night and the Captain said to the Mate "Tell us a tale" and this is the tale he told ..... "It was, like, a dark and like stormy like night and the Captain said to the Mate " Like tell us a tale" and this is the tale he like told ...... "Oh Mate, was it ever a dark and stormy night and the Captain said to the Mate "Tell us a tale" and this is the tale he told ..... "It was a really crappy dark and stormy night and the Captain said to the Mate "Tell us a tale" and this is the tale he told ..... "It was a supa dupa dark and stormy night and the Captain turned to the Mate & said "Tell us a tale" and this is the tale that the Mate told ......

Edited April 8, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..................................................................as he rolled a cigarette, and time his match precisely with the roll of the ship, said: "Before I tell you the story, how's that flog Cappy trying to buy time by repeating the intro over and over again, then failing to fire!" The sailors all nodded because they'd had a gutfull of six repetitions every time Cappy replied to them. "It's a crappy dark stormy night" began one and their heads snapped around think Cappy had started up again, but after a few minutes it was decided they would throw him over the side, but they hadn't counted on................

[onetrack]

.....Cappys innate and overwhelming fear of water (he spent his childhood in Pommyland). Cappy got a death grip on the handrails and nothing the sailors could do, could prise his grip loose.

They gave up and went back to their card games (because all sailors are excellent card players - there's nothing else to do on the water). Cappy, meantimes, had slunk off to the lower deck, looking to see if there was something he could.......

 

[Dear NES readers - we need to find some type of rapid medical relief for Cappys awful, chronic, repetitive state. He's obviously swallowed an LP record player, and the needle has got stuck....]

 

[Captain]

NES ADDENDUM/SIDE COMMENT

 

"What's an LP, what does a needle have to do with it, and what the F is a record player?" asked most of the thousands of NES readers. "Geeez the single root must be old"

 

"Me too, as I have never experienced such devices" said Ratty.

 

"Turbine Industries has a controlling financial interest in HMV" said Turbo "And Spot the dog was mine when we took that photo in 1934".

Edited April 9, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

13 hours ago, onetrack said:

Poor Cappy, a brave man who everybody loved & respected, meantimes had walked with great dignity down to the lower deck, looking to see if there was something he could.......

...... selflessly do to help the ship's crew to sail more efficiently, to solve their emotional & sexual hangup issues (yes, dear reader, onesie really has only had 1), to cure scurvy, and also to save several badly malnourished crew who were in the sickbay, where Dr Turbo (a Dr of Freightliner Design) had been exposed as a .........

Edited April 9, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

17 hours ago, onetrack said:

.....Cappy's inNate

BASED ON LEGAL ADVICE ...... Your Captain wishes to formally advise that he doesn't know anybody named Nate, he has never met Nate, and the Captain has certainly never done what Onesie accuses him of in the above quote.

 

A Stat Dec is being prepared and an order will be sought as to costs.

Edited April 9, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

TURBO'S DOG NAMED SPOT WHICH WAS ADDED TO THE LOGO ONCE TURBINE INDUSTRIES ACHIEVED THEIR SUNSTANTIAL & CONTROLLING SHAREHOLDING IN HMV (APPROX. 1936).

 

SPOT ACTUALLY CRAVED TURDY'S AFFECTION (AS WE ALL DO) SO SOON GOT SICK OF BEING MERELY A COMMERCIAL OBJECT. (CIRCA 1952)

 

THE GRAMAPHONE THEN ATTEMPTED TO GET EVEN IN APPROX. 1965.

 

AS A RESULT, TURBO ARRANGED (AS CONSIDERABLE COST VIA CELEBRITY LICENCE FEES), THAT GROMMET GOT INVOLVED. PROBLEM SOLVED AS OF 2003.

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....had been exposed as a .....Cappy's iNate.....Benefactor who in the 1960s offered Cappy the same chance Elvis Presley was given when he was push on to the stage at the Luisiana Hayride.  Turbo took a young Cappy to Shreveporte, hired the Shreveport Dodgers Cheer Squad (without batons), put them allthough SueAnn's Beauty Shop and turned them loose at the Hayride seated in the front row.

 

Then he pushed Cappy, with his guitar on to the stage, just like Elvis. Cappy only had to wrigle slightly and he would have a guaranteed response which would send him to Las Vegas making enough money to buy gold plated Cadillacs.

 

Cappy involuntarily shivered in fear, but that was all the Cheer Squad needed. They kicked high in the air and went live all over the US on the Hayride TV. There was so much outrage that the bewildered Cappy was banned from ever appearing on US Television and given a............

[Captain]

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

There was so much outrage that the bewildered Cappy was banned from ever appearing on US Television and given a............

...... contract to bugger off to the UK where for 50 years he played lead guitar for both the Stones & the Beatles where, it has never been realised by the masses that, he played on alternating weekends as a righty while wearing his Ronnie Wood wig and then his skill was such that on the next weekend he played left handed as Paul in the Beatles.

 

This skill to use both his left & right hand came from years of self .......

Edited April 9, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....manipulation on what was usually a fruitless task.

 

Not many people know that the Rolling Stones got their name from Cappy.

Cappy and Turbo used to shoot Tiger in India each year, personal guests of the Maharajah of Mysore.

Cappy had fought several battles for the British Raj including the battles of Mysore, Eyesore and Seesore, and he was very handy with a knife, particularly into the back of his comrades, as Turbo has found out many times over the years.

He was a good shot in the mornings, but after a gin lunch, with his .470 Holland and Holland crooked in his arm he was a dangerous man both for the tiger and those in the howdar.

 

From time to time the Maharajah would invite film stars and up and coming pop stars on his hunts. On one occasion the soon-to-be Rolling Stones visted at the same time as the two SAS soldiers Cappy and Turbo.

 

Turbo had been sitting to the right of the elephant driver when they flushed a tiger. Cappy had the gun but was looking the other way and singing, so the driver and Turbo were luck to escape being clawed and bitten, and back at camp Turbo was not happy with his gin-sodden partner.

 

Around the camp fire Mick, Ronnie and Keith were telling groupie stories and Turbo was telling the real story of what happened on the Khyber Pass, when Cappy dashed off to let out some of the gin.

 

"What's with him?' asked Mick "he hasn't said a word all night"

 

Turbo would not normally put down his best mate, but the teeth of the tiger were still fresh in his mind and he said "Cappy's got the personality of a Rolling Stone"  and the rest is history, and Cappy ..............

 

 

 

 

Film of the tiger attack with Cappy (out of sight) absent mindedly humming "Men of Harlech" and looking in the opposite direction.

 

 

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by turboplanner

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo would not normally put down his best mate, but the teeth of the tiger were still fresh in his mind and he said "Cappy's got the personality of a Rolling Stone"  and the rest is history, and ..............

.......... for years, Cappy couldn't get no satisfaction (until his initial encounter with Mavis).

 

"We could use that in a song title" said Keith.

 

"It'll never work" replied Mick.

 

"Come on Mick" replied Cappy "You know that you need help & will have to lift your game with this song writing caper if you want to stay in the band. My proven skills in the rock scene say that it'll be a beauty. Just bear in mind that John had the same trouble when I wrote "Let it Be" & "She loves you yeah, yeah" but I insisted on them being included in the catalogue ...... and the rest is history."

 

Keith looked up in admiration and said "Hey Cappy, mate, how about you play Jack Sparrow and we'll get Turbo & Salty to fill in as ..............

 

CAPPY INTRODUCING HIS INITIAL VERSION OF "MIDNIGHT RAMBLER" TO KEITH WHILE WAITING FOR HIS SCREEN TEST AS JACK.

Edited April 10, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, with Salty playing Elizabeth Swann.

 

The budget for the film was $140 million, and $60 million of that was spent in attempting to remodel Salty'sc oarse features into something that resembled a woman, such is the nature of Hollywood.

NES readers haven't seen much of Salty lately, but we can now tell you he has been busy building a mansion on the banks of Schitt Creek where he built a Yabby Farm (with Turbo as Consultant).

 

Lest NES readers think the reference to Schitt creek may be fantasy, we can tell you there really is a tributary of the Murray River called Schitt Creek which was 18 mile south of Remnark. German grape growers in the Barossa Valley used to travel up to the Murray for their summer holidays. The problem was, there was a sweeping bend to the right 5 miles out of Remnark, and there were more German Carts travelling to the holiday destination they had named Schitt Creek, than went to Remnark, so thousands of travellers found themselves up Schitt Creek, and the legend has lived on. Salty......................

 

 

Edited April 10, 2021 by turboplanner

[onetrack]

......had decided that "Yabbies from Schitt Creek" was the greatest marketing name coup in recent years, and when Turbo suggested he could use Turbine Marketing Inc to promote his product, using the lines, "When you eat one of our Yabbies, you'll know it's Schitt straight away!!", which Turbo promised, would make sales go ballistic.

 

Meantimes, Cappy had found out about Schitt Creek, and decided he couldn't let his best mate Turbo get all the action - he wanted to get in on it, too.

 

As a result, Cappy decided he'd set up an ultralight (avref) manufacturing enterprise on that same creek, and employ a world-famous Italian aircraft designer and stylist to come up with a fabulous, sleek new ultralight design, with pure Italian thoroughbred lines - and he would call his aircraft company, "Pizza Schitt Ulralights", drawing on the well-known and well-loved Italian references (mostly from Fiat cars) to boost his sales. 

 

"I'm on a winner here!," he crowed to Turbo, as he set up his...........

[turboplanner]

......jigs under a corrugated iron awning on the banks of SC.

The storm hit ...............

[bull]

and shitt was blown around all over the Murray ,bits of wings and tails flew well at low altitude all over the place.  Bloody hell screamed ...............

Edited April 11, 2021 by bull