The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......his speech, which was currently limited to Ni Hao, so he started recording his cat, and you wouldn't believe .........................

..... the outcome when little Kevvy Rudd stuck his head thru the kitchen window & offered to translate and prepare a more formal reply as long as The Rat would vote for Kev to be the Emperor of the United Nations.

 

"I deserve it" he said with his usual smarmy grin "And I need to beat Malcolm to the top post."

 

Cappy thought back a week or 2, which wasn't easy these days without his contemporaneous notes, and responded "But doesn't Turdboy want that gig?"

 

"Oh no" said Kevin "Turdy has more money than the bloke who runs Amzon and is more suited to .........

 

 

Edited April 30, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...coming up with a new recipe for rat soup."

Cappy started to shiver, and the shivers became more violent as he.......

[Captain]

5 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

...coming up with a new recipe for rat soup."

Cappy started to shiver, and the shivers became more violent as he.......

..... rubbed his .....

[turboplanner]

.........rubbed his nose, and he always did when Kevin rjected his sound advice and made fun of him, because as you know, Cappy has rat blood in him from way back.

 

He felt the involuntary twitches in his checks where whispers would have been growing in hid ancestors, and decided to stithc up Kevin, so he went to see ...........

 

[Captain]

19 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

He felt the involuntary twitches in his cheeks where whiskers would have been growing in his ancestors, and decided to stitch up Kevin, so he went to see ...........

 

 Edited to fix up Turdy's poor typing.

..... Therese, who wears the pants Kevin wise, and she was keen to see him bugger off to the UN or WHO or Kamchatka (which is miles from anywhere and has lots of mud pools for him to fall into), so she ....

 

The below is mud, and not just the content of one of Kev's speeches.

Edited April 30, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....organised a mystery flight (avref) for Kev, telling him a nice surprise was waiting for him when he landed. Kev thought this was great - after all, he loved regularly jetting around the world like a blue-arXX fly - and he was sure he'd land in some place where they spoke Mandarin, and he could converse with them like a local - and while they made up very rude versions of his name, he would have fun making up very rude versions of their names.

 

But it all fell apart when his jet landed in Kununurra, and the only locals greeting him were a group from the Yawoorroong Miriuwung Gajerrong Yirrgeb Noong Dawang Aboriginal Corporation, who had been told a very important Mandarin was visiting them.

 

But despite being very disappointed when they realised it was only a Canberra-based public service Mandarin (and God knows, they'd seen plenty of them), they decided they'd do a smoking ceremony and a Welcome to Country, anyway - seeing as Kev had been responsible for increases in the Aboriginal Funding budget allowances when he was in Gubbmint.

 

But the minute the smoke started to drift in Kevins direction, and the clapsticks started up with their doleful, "clack-clack", "clack-clack", "clack-clack", Kev turned to a minder (and he always has minders along, even on Mystery flights) and said, "This is not what..........

 

Edited April 30, 2021 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

"..........I expected to hear. I TOLD you I wanted them to play One Dimension songs; Dont you ever LISTEN?!; Do I have to do EVERYTHING  here!"

and for the next ten minutes it was a classic Kevin dummy spit.

It didn't dawn on him that most of us don't need minders and are capable of managing ourselves.

Kevin had even blamed the Pink Batts scandal on a female member of his office.

He could speak Mandarin, but look where that got Australia - down the tubes as Enemy No 1.

However, Turbo had found a way of saving the China-Australia relationship. Not many people know that Turbo can speak Orange.

There are not many Orange speaking people in China, but they are an ancient race, much like the Star Family, The Watchers or The Family in the west, and like them the Orange People control everything.

Turbo had a deal to sell all the ABoriginal land to China for ten bucks, and ...........

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

There are not many Orange speaking people in China, but they are an ancient race, much like the Star Family, The Watchers or The Family in the west, and like them the Orange People control everything.

Turbo had a deal to sell all the ABoriginal land to China for ten bucks, and ...........

..... this is the typical type of opportunistic deal for which Turbo himself, and Turbine Industries, are known.

 

Although in this case Turdy had made an almost fatal error, because as the deal with the Orange People was about to be consummated (rudenessref), a bloke turned up speaking Grapefruit and there were a couple of million in his group who had until now been in a reedumacation camp near Honkers, but who had in recent weeks taken over China when it was realised that they also carried the royal blood-orange & blood- grapefruit gene.

 

Turbo had always been very fruity and tried to recover the situation by ......

 

SIDE NOTE - Grapefruit is a citrus hybrid originating in Barbados, & also in southern china during the more primitive Citrus dynasty, as an accidental cross between the sweet orange and the pomelo or shaddock, .... and I'm sorry to disclose that the Turbine + the Plonker families have a similar history of accidentally crossing with any willing strangers (which is a bit erky perky but nevertheless factual).

Edited April 30, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......entering into a Joint Venture with both groups for $50 million at a fixed exchange rate.

"How you sell us lot for $10.00, but sprit three ways $50 million?" asked Orange1  (the Orange people have always used codes.

"The Grapefruit Leader, as we have read came from the West Indies, with a background of banhing a stick on a 44 gallon drum, but offered this explanation. "Critical Mass" he replied and Turbo thought he might make  a good Recreational Flying Board Member, when he saw Orange1 nodding his understanding, but ...............

[Captain]

..... then added "Why pick on the Catholics?".

 

This triggered .....

Edited May 1, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......a debate and a proposed notion by Turbo that one of their policies would be to pick on Catholics.

"We know you're a bunch of heathen", he said to the others in both Mandarin and Orange, and they nodded.

He added: "Not many people know their origins; It was a disciple of Jesus who started the Catholic version on the church. His name was Paul the Apostle, also known as Saint Paul, and also by his Hebrew name Saul.

The Christians had some good policies, but no idea of finance, so Jesus had to resort to doing things like cutting fish up into strips and telling the audience he was making "many fishes", which brought a lot of sarcastic laughter on the day, but someone yelled out "FISH FINGERS!"; and one member of the audience, a Colonel Sanders registered the name and the rest is history.

 

This didn't help the Christians though; but Saul was clever and invented the forst example of taking a little money off a lot of people to make millions. Soon they were awash with cash; all the disciples bought their own donkeys, with more for the groupies like Mary Magdalene.

 

Of course, soon the Romans, Pharacees, Saracens and everyone else wanted a part of the action, so they had a meeting a Nicosea, and decided to form the Carthagenian and Saracen Association (CASA) to use this money. Someone didn't like this name, calling them "bloodsuckers", so there was a four hour shouting match, but finally Centuion Marcus Turbinius put up a motion seconded by Brutus MonoRailus to form a separate church to handle funds, and this was passed.

This is when Saul made his move to call it the Catholic Church, with him in charge of finances, and proceeded to fleece the general public until they stopped bing scared of eternal damnation, and .....

[Captain]

SECTARIAN WARNING - In considering the above post by Turdboy, all NESers should bear in mind that he is the proprietor of Turbine Archbishops, Vestments and Chalices PLC incorporated in Rome in 1654, plus he has a major shareholding in Turbine Masonic Paraphernalia Inc and he supplies hoods to the KKK, not to mention the shady dealings of Turbine Korans and Explosive Vests Pty Ltd which was registered in a suburb of Damascus in 2007.

 

There is therefore s strong chance that he may not be fully independent.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Carthagenian and Saracen Association (CASA) to use this money. Someone didn't like this name, calling them "bloodsuckers", so there was a four hour shouting match, but finally Centuion Marcus Turbinius put up a motion seconded by Brutus MonoRailus to form a separate church to handle funds, and this was passed.

This is when Saul made his move to call it the Catholic Church, with him in charge of finances, and proceeded to fleece the general public until they stopped bing scared of eternal damnation, and .....

....... remembered back to the great old days when we used to hit our heads while getting into our Saracen (NTTIAWWT).

 

Cappy and Turbs had been mates in the Bren Gun lugging section (Tink and Ratty were always the biggest and the strongest) since their time in the service in 1960 and while Turbo always applied to be the Saracen driver (he ultimately bought Alvis for a song as a result, this being the start of his love of heavy vehicles and before he changed the name from Alvis to Freightliner), that was never approved and he was therefore limited to ........

 

THE BACK DOOR WAS NEVER HIGH ENOUGH FOR BIG BLOKES

.... AN ISSUE BEING REPEATED NOW WITH THE BLACKHAWKS.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....being Bren Gun Carrier, which was probably a good idea given Captain's Official Report list which went for 32 pages, and included one incident  of "Attempting to run over the Chief of Cathilic Church, Rome, Vatican, Pope" withe the rest marked top secret.

Turbo had been the Battalion Champion at stripping and rebuilding a Bren Gun, and still remembers the order; Piston, Barrel, Burr, Body, Bipod; handy to know under fire when the Bren predictably jammed due to sand, water, the wind or the sun, just as the enemy had sighted you and were about ......

 

 

[Turbo appreciates Cappy's clever wording which indicates only someone who has operated a Saracen would know about banging your head on the door, which gets a second prize for indicating he's one of the tall ones. Don'te tell anyone but this incident happened during an Open Day at Kapooka when Cappy, dressed in his suit and loafers, standing a full 165 cm was asked if he'd like to get into one. Mistaking the question, Cappy tried to rush through the door]

[turboplanner]

Just now, turboplanner said:

.....being Bren Gun Carrier, which was probably a good idea given Captain's Official Report list which went for 32 pages, and included one incident  of "Attempting to run over the Chief of Catholic Church, Rome, Vatican, Pope" withe the rest marked top secret.

Turbo had been the Battalion Champion at stripping and rebuilding a Bren Gun, and still remembers the order; Piston, Barrel, Butt, Body, Bipod; handy to know under fire when the Bren predictably jammed due to sand, water, the wind or the sun, just as the enemy had sighted you and were about ......

 

 

[Turbo appreciates Cappy's clever wording which indicates only someone who has operated a Saracen would know about banging your head on the door, which gets a second prize for indicating he's one of the tall ones. Don't tell anyone but this incident happened during an Open Day at Kapooka when Cappy, dressed in his suit and loafers, standing a full 165 cm was asked if he'd like to get into one. Mistaking the question, Cappy tried to rush through the door]

 

[Captain]

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

sighted you and were about ......

.... to mention the fact that Turbo has twice posted his latest tome (or twofold as the bible often says (NTTIAWWT)).

 

In the true spirit of our 1st Nations peoples, same like Wagga Wagga, to say something twice means that there are many of them (manifold as the bible mentions ....... and also as is said in the Edelbrock brochure) , so The Rat would like to pay his respects to all Elders (and Landmarks) past and present, and just like day follows night, and the Rainbow Serpent follows the Sunset Moray Eel, one thing is certain & that is that Uncle Turbo is certainly an Elder.

 

bull was feeling left out, down there in Tassie while Onesie was about to go into lockdown again (so will not be able to get his posts over the border until Saturday week), which is .....

Edited May 1, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......1972 in WA. Turbo points out that WA is heading for Lockdown Champion of Australia, having the ability to spread Covid like Broadacre Manure.

Bull, in Tasmania has had a stunning Change of Government (COG). As we know you should always check your COG before departing your Home State, and also ..............

[onetrack]

.....ensure you have the ability to get back in again, as in this day and age of COVID-19, one can very rapidly find oneself locked out of Australia (and even worse, locked out of Tasmania).

 

This very tight application of government rules and regulations means that intrepid aviators such as bull, could easily get caught out in flight (no - not THAT kind of caught out), by becoming stuck up in the sky, unable to return to Australia or its Territories, until one of two things happened. Either one.......

[turboplanner]

..........of the former Colonies, New Zealand or Ceylon opens their countries or a volcanic formed a new Island.If neither of these things happened, he could be permanently stuck up there.

 

A similar thing happened to Cappy many years ago, when Cappy had a crew cut and identified as "Charliey". He was living in Boston on the smell of an oily rag when the Metropolitan Transit Authority put up their fares without notice, and .......................

 

 

The Story of Cappy (then aka Charlie) and the MTA

 

[Captain]

Breaking Covid News. - The Governments of King Island & Flinders Island have closed their borders and therefore will not allow aviators or aviatrixes (or anyone in between) to land there if stuck between the Nth Island & the map of Tasmania. (Although if you buy 50 kgs of cheese they will do exactly what you want).

 

Rotty is about to follow suit.

 

bull is effected, but put on a brave front and .......

Edited May 2, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

......said, "I've been stuck in some awful places (Kapooka comes to mind), but I've never been stuck between a map of Tassie (sexualref) and anything else, I've always known exactly where to go!"

 

"Yeah, I bet a lot of people have regularly told you where to go!", said OT with a cheeky grin. "And as regards finding a map of Tassie, even in the dark, I bet you're a whizz!"

 

"Ah, well," said bull modestly, "It's not often I can brag, but I can tell you this much, there was a time when I.....

[turboplanner]

.....couldn't find the bone IGA when I desperately needed toilet paper.

"Bad meal at the RSL again" asked OT.

"No I was about to go flying in the Jacka" said bull.

OT trying to be diplomatic said "They're not that bad"

"it's not that" replied bull "I put the roll on a peg and when I take off it leaves a trail........."

[Captain]

.... like a white skid mark, which is quite apt because .....

[turboplanner]

...............it's a lot nicer than the other skid marks I leave every time I try to land the Tyro which has............

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

...............it's a lot nicer than the other skid marks I leave every time I try to land the Tyro which has............

......... become a bit of a ......