The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.........n urban legend in anc...................

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........n urban legend in anc...................

.... ient cultures (respects to elders (Turboref)) etc etc and to the revival of the Tasmanian first people (bullref as he is one and he is #1 (in our eyes)), yet that didn't fully cover the issues associated with .......

[Captain]

COVID NEWS - The independent 7 governments of the Three Hummock Island, Hunter Island, Robbins Island, the Furneaux Group, Cape Barren Island, Clarke Island and the Sister Islands (innocent Tassysisterjokeref) have all agreed to close their borders to anyone from WA, Victoria (but India is OK) for the next 4 weeks or until a tourist boat rocks (shipwreckref) up with money.

 

The Furneauxs were often spoken about in Cappy's family in hushed tones as his great great grandfather, James, almost ran into them on a cold and stormy night (when the Captain said to the Mate, tell me a tale etc etc ad nauseum).    

Edited May 3, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...........The Furneaux Island group.

Not many people know that James Cook aka Jimmie the Stud, DID actually hit the Furneaux on his bumpy way around the eastern coast where Endeavour tapped it about every third day at Gin Time.

There, they found a group of ..........

 

[Captain]

15 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

...........The Furneaux Island group.

Not many people know that James Cook aka Jimmie the Stud, DID actually hit the Furneaux on his bumpy way around the eastern coast where Endeavour tapped it about every third day at Gin Time.

There, they found a group of ..........

 

...... decrepit castaways who looked like a cross between Gilligan & Professor Howell, whereas neither Ginger nor MaryAnne got shown any interest, so you can therefore surmise what was going on there (erkyperkywise).

 

The brave Captain Jimmy C showed mercy but made sure that his belt was done up tight, when he took this pitiful group on board, he kept Ginger & MaryAnne as "navigators", and quick stix offloaded the boys (sic) as close as he could to Moorabbin, where they subsequently interbred with the natives, took a well known family name (which was aboriginal for "fast rotating blades", eh) and thereafter they .........

Edited May 3, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

27 minutes ago, Captain said:

...... offloaded the boys (sic) as close as he could to Moorabbin, .....

There is a memorial to this offloading exactly where Jimmy C landed, just a little south of the La Phan Vietnamese Restaurant at Sandringham, and subsequent research has shown that Jim and the entire crew (including Ginger & MaryAnne) had seafood laksa with some exotic rice dish containing bok choy. (Joey Banks must have got a crook bit of seafood, as after the feed he offloaded too, just up from the beach ........... and Joey's resultant coprolite (still containing his manky prawn) is now housed in the National Library).

Edited May 3, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....multiplied in major numbers until they posed a threat to the environment and the social order of the community. 
"Something has to be done about this mob that breed like rabbits," muttered Salty. "Before long they'll be claiming all of Australia is theirs, and they'll be demanding all other sorts of costly things."

 

"No such thing has ever happened within my family ancestry", said Turbo loftily. "It's all a mischievous fabrication by that Rat from Kapookastan, who has the worst ancestry record of anyone!".

It's well known that he has convicts, sheep stealers, bushrangers, pirates, politicians, and every ne'er-do-well you could imagine, in his dubious lineage. He claims Jedi ancestry, but it's all in his feeble mind, which has been seriously affected by......

[Captain]

32 minutes ago, onetrack said:

but it's all in his feeble mind, which has been seriously affected by......

..... Bombay Saphire and too many willing ladies.

 

"But enough of the Skipper, as he is a modest soul and never likes to speak about himself" said Brine "I am more interested in the section of Onesie's above post where he compared the Turbine clan to the current NSW mouse plague, where Turbo is the head rodent and .......

Edited May 4, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

19 hours ago, Captain said:

.... and Joey's resultant coprolite ......

Who would have thought that the term "Coprolite" would have ever made it into an aviation (avref) forum ....... unless perhaps in the Accidents & Incidents section, referring to the aftermath (or during).

 

It is a wondrous thing.

[turboplanner]

........responsible for rounding up any coprolitic (Cappyref) mice and dumping them in the Harbour.  Turbo knew this was not a sustainable and likely to fill the Harbour with coprolite, in which case OT and the WAbarons would be likely to drain it and start mining, and probably export it to C...........................

[Captain]

22 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..... WAbarons would be likely to drain it and start mining, and probably export it to some C....

.... U .....

Edited May 4, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.... stomary nation, in line with WHO conventions, whereby it could be properly processed, and turned into useful products such as high value manure.

 

"But, speaking of high value manure", said OT, "Has anyone seen what Cappy can produce, when he gets into his stride? It's just amazing what that bloke can deliver, by way of manure, when you consider that the largest portion of it comes from his mouth, and only a relatively small portion comes from his lower bowel! In fact, I believe the medical authorities have selected him for special examination, as his case is outstanding - apart from some Canberra-based politicians, of course - and they will shortly be.......

[Captain]

28 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"But, speaking of high value manure", said OT, "Has anyone seen what Cappy can produce, when he gets into his stride? It's just amazing what that bloke can deliver, by way of manure, when you consider that the largest portion of it comes from his mouth, and only a relatively small portion comes from his lower bowel!

BEWARE NOTE - Our beloved Captain has always lacked self confidence and the above type of cynical attack (as well as the previous unwarranted persecution by the TurgidPlonker) does nothing to boost his shattered personal regard. He will now further consider his options (and the other fully paid shares in his portfolio).

Edited May 4, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

NES readers will notice that Cappy was so overwhelmed and shattered By OT's words that her was unable to continue the story. A cynic might see that as two-bottle time, but we know our beloved Captain was upset because he struck back eloquently just as Turbo was about to have dinner.

 

We can advise that the matters have been resolved to everyone's satisfaction, and Cappy is more than happy with the $30 mil that OT and Turbo tipped in for further development of Chez Spratley. Cappy can now attain his dream of offering Turtle watching in the Spretley Straits using slow boats, and ..............

[onetrack]

.......air tours (long-missing avref) in de Havilland DH.60 Moths. But Cappy won't be on board any of the Moths any time soon - because it has been discovered, as part of his latest medical checkup - fueled by his bout of severe depression over OT's hurtful remarks - that he is also suffering from Mottephobia.

 

This was only discovered by chance in the Doctors rooms, when a large moth flew in while he was there, and Cappy promptly became very fearful.

It was found that his fear of moths extended to all types of moths, including powered ones. In fact, the bigger the moth, the more fearful Cappy becomes, and this is starting to affect his.......

[Captain]

2 hours ago, onetrack said:

It was found that his fear of moths extended to all types of moths, including powered ones. In fact, the bigger the moth, the more fearful Cappy becomes, and this is starting to affect his.......

..... libido.

 

As a result of this all too apparent vicious attack on our beloved Skipper by the Uni-Root and Turdfeatures, both Eeeeeean and Moderator 37 (who is a bit of a dick), contacted bull, Salty and Planey to see if these Morabbin & Perth based rabble were the reasons why they, too, had also stopped posting.

 

As further background for the thousands of NES lurkers out there, the entire "moth" issue, as mentioned in recent cruel posts, arose when the Skipper was a tiny little tacker and was attacked by a swarm of Bardi moths which disfigured him horribly. Both Onesie and Turbsie are aware of this and use this occurrence to .......... 

 

A Bardi moth attacking & eating a large boulder.

Imagine what they would do to a little kid's face.

 

Below, this carnivorous male Bardi moth has eaten an entire thumb while being held.

 

These are the Bardi gribs that emerged from the wounds on the Cappy's face when he was a small child.

And to think that onetrack and Turbo still make their sick jokes about that attack, is a disgrace.

Edited May 5, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

These are the Bardi gribs that emerged from the wounds on the Cappy's face when he was a small child.

And to think that onetrack and Turbo still make their sick jokes about that attack, is a disgrace.

 

But, to be fair (and The Rat is always fair), it must be pointed out that Cappy's dad (Jimmy (IV)) caught 4 large Murray Cod with those grubs, so it wasn't a total loss and the Skipper's hideous disfigurement was almost worth it.

Edited May 5, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........pray each night that the same thing will never happen to them. Turbo can't imagine the pain of those Bardi grubs emerging from Cappy's skin, although Turbo also experienced pain when his mother and security staff were trying to get him to take a bath. "If you don't wash your ears out you'll grow POTATOES in them" she used to say and that was usually the persuader.

 

We pay respect to the Cook family past and present, and mean no ill in referring to Cappy's grubby past.

 

Speaking of medical matters, in 2020 Turbo had noted that after President Trump suggested to Americans that if they wanted a Covid vaccine faster they should inkect themselves with disinfectant, some 143 million Americans took that advice. Turbo had been trying to start an old tractor which had been standing out in the paddock after becoming bogged in 1972, and in desperation used some "Start ya Bastard", a well known tool of farmers.

 

He wondered whether this may have efficacy against Covid-19 as well as getting people started faster in the morning, and so Turbine Pharma was incorprated.  

 

As we know, Turbo would never try to use something like that on people without proper trials, so he used it in the Cat farm.

 

There were only two deaths per hundred thousand cats, even less on the rats, so the vaccine is being rushed into production at ...........

 

 

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

There were only two deaths per hundred thousand cats, even less on the rats, so the vaccine is being rushed into production at ...........

..... light speed, because with that fatality rate it will be suitable & efficacious for the over 75s, who nobody really cares about & are soon to kick the bucket anyway.

 

"I think there is a nice quid to be made and many oldies have it stashed away in gold (see recent Perth Mint adverts featuring a bespectacled Onesie) and old collector notes, after their kids hid the keys and forced them to sell their pride & joy Tyros, Crickets & ......

Edited May 6, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....Drifters. But Cappy has wised up to the Turbo Pharma vaccine promotions, and is becoming as leery as a young poddy calf at the sight of a branding iron, whenever he spots someone brandishing a needle.

Along with his long list of other phobias the Docs discovered - acephobia, transphobia, hydrophobia, onomatophobia, mottephobia, entomophobia - they also discovered he has Trypanophobia.

 

Once Cappy discovered he had this particular phobia, he has utilised it with great effect, to avoid any approach by medics. He makes a great show of sweating, rolling his eyes, shivering, crying, backing away into a corner - and that's only when he sees a medics uniform. The symptoms became more pronounced when he saw "Turbine Pharma" on the containers of the product. 

 

"You're not using that product on me!", he wailed, as the Medics approached him, all swathed in PPE, with swabs and syringes and gloves, and as he was grabbed, he reached for.......

[Captain]

..... his umbrella & raincoat "Nobody is coming near me while covered in PeePeeE" he yelled "As I am also peepeephobic".

 

The Captain also freely admits to hydrophobia as he always preferred displacement boats after seeing a hydroplane go arse over (techicaldescriptionref) in a big crosswind (avref) many years ago.

 

But in a political announcement that saw him banned from FacePlant, Cappy freely admitted to not being hydrophobic about Hydrochloriquin (hydrojokeref).

 

Turbine Pharma & Racing Boats Inc then opted .......

Edited May 7, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....to euthenase him under the new 2019 Act. "He's just high maintenance" said Dr Spick; "he won't know the difference" responded Dr Span and they were just about to administer the dose when Turbo walked in ready for a marketing follow up lunch with his customers. Luckily he had just overheard the conversation. "You're coming with me" he said to his dear friend Cappy, and saved Cappy's life.

Was Cappy thankfull?...................

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Was Cappy thankfull?........

.... Too right he was, as Turbo is his best & longest true friend, and it had become clear that Charlie Span and Constance Spick, subsequently known in the 5 Corners expose as those 2 C's, had done their training with that Indian bloke from Bundaburg hospital, where they .....

Edited May 7, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

......learnt to clean to COVID-19 specification levels very quickly, and thus they got the unique team name of "Spick/n/Span".

The Indian bloke was actually the bloke who trained them up in the dark art of proper cleaning, as we all know that the Indians are world leaders in the cleanliness stakes.

 

But - despite being very thankful for Turbo's timely intervention into his proposed euthanasia, Cappy was puzzled as to why he was getting a free lunch out of Turbo.

After all, the last time he got a free anything out of Turbo, was when they were at the Tamworth Rodeo, and a free bull ride was being offered, and Turbo pushed Cappy in the back, making him stumble out in front of the crowd, which led to the Rodeo caller picking Cappy immediately as the volunteer. "But I was pushed!", protested Cappy, as he was grabbed and led to the......

 

 

Edited May 7, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

..... changeroom where he was instructed to remove his dacks (both pairs) and put on leather chaps.

 

That is where the Skipper first met bull.

 

"Are you a rider or the ridee?" he asked bull, who looked ......