The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.......at that time of his life, very similar to a Brahman bull,  which was why he earned $300 grand a year as a bull, because once the beer tent opened and the Rodeo got through the Childrens calf rides, the Camp Drafting (NTTIAWWT), the flag and barrel races, the Rooster Chase and the 23 classis of horses in both the open and closed buck jumping classes, no one was looking too closely at the bull.

I'm the ridee, bull announced proudly, and that was the start of a lifelong friendship with Cappy telling bull where he coulf find an old Cricket in a shed out the back of Boulia, covered in crow sh!t, but otherwise in good condition. He even took bull out there in his Range Rover, and they .........

 

[onetrack]

.....unfortunately had to walk the last 20 kms, because we all know what Range Rover reliability is like. But even the walk didn't concern bull too much, such was his excitement at a possible "barn find" of an unloved and unwanted aircraft (avref, at long last).

But when they reached the shed, the sight that met them was not quite what Cappy had described. This was partly due to Cappy's faulty memory cells, badly affected by years and years of G&T abuse, and partly due to the ravages of time, feral goats and rodents and insects - who had all played their part in reducing the aircraft to something that was barely recognisable as a flying machine.

 

"It's not a Cricket!", cried bull in disappointment. "It's a Drifter? No, hang on, it's a Moth? No hang on, I think it might be a Jackaroo?" Bull was struggling to identify the shape of most components of the airframe, such was the extent of the damage caused by all the aforementioned predator attacks.

The worst part was when a Redback came running out of what was left of the instrument panel and bit bull savagely in a delicate soft tissue area of his ample frame.

 

"It doesn't matter what it was!" said Cappy, "I'm sure a bloke of your abilities and skill can bring it back to looking like new, and make it fly again!"

Bull replied, "I don't know what it was, but I'll make sure......

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

.....it’s like all my other aircraft so they dragged it back the 22 km, fixed the Range Rover with a length of 8 gauge fencing wire, threw it on the top, using more of the fence, and.........

[Captain]

.... then the big test.

 

bull's finger moved over the Starter button, he quivered, breathed in, mouthed page 68 of the Koran (the bit about how to jump start a Rangie) and plunged his finger onto the button.

 

The Rangie coughed (a 100% improvement on his last attempt before the 8 gauge wire was added) and .......

[turboplanner]

......then died, and couldn't be made to turn over.

Fortunately Cappy had been a mate of Jack Absalom during Cappy's days as a Nurse at Broken Hill Hospital, and featured in a lot of Jack's outback films, holding a tyre when Jack packed it with 5,000 psi air to use as a self-contained method of repairing a puncture in the outback, or wading a creek in Crocodile infested Kakadu while Jack sat on the bonnet of the Land Cruiser telling everyone always to wade a creek before driving through, in case there was a deep hole, or standing above a rabbit warren ready to light a match as Jack showed that you can almost find meat for the evening meal anywhere by pouring a jerry can of petrol down burrows. Cappy and bull were in luck today because Cappy had brought along his Jack Absalom SWR battery jumper kit consiting of a slingshot, and 30 metre coil of steel cable with an alligator clip on the end.

The Range Rover jumped into life instantly; true, the harness was on fire and they couldn't charge their mobile phones, but the engine was running sweetly. However, ................

[onetrack]

.... they had no lights, no brakes (because the ABS was fried) and none of the gauges worked. "Don't worry about any of that, the gauges are always a bit dicky anyway, the lights aren't really necessary out here, and brakes not working, is a consistent Range Rover fault! - so let's head off, anyway, we've got a long way to go!"

 

But no sooner had they gone 40 kays down the "highway" (that was the Outback Highway, locally known as Spring-Breaker Road), than a set of flashing red and blue lights appeared behind them.

Cappy pulled up - slowly of course - thanks to the non-existent Range Rover brakes - and out of the Candy Car stepped none other than Const Doubtfire - packing a .40 cal Glock, Taser, pepper spray, and 4 sets of handcuffs.

She levelled the Glock at Cappy through the window, motioning with the firearm to get out of the Range Rover - "Slowly!! - and keep your hands where I can see them!!" she said sternly.

 

"What the .....???", exclaimed Cappy, increduously. "Const Doubtfire, it's me, Cappy! - and you've been watching too many American cop movies!!"

"Don't talk back to me!", snarled Const Doubtfire, "And don't come this "buddy-buddy" stuff with me! I've seen your type before, you want to be let off, because you know the Commish personally!"

 

"But what have we done wrong?", said Cappy nervously, thinking about all the things wrong with the Range Rover. Maybe they should've fixed those lights and brakes.

 

"You're 60mm overwidth and 100mm overheight!" said Const Doubtfire. "I don't think I've come across a worse case of blatant road regulations-breaking, apart from when........

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

3 hours ago, onetrack said:

"I don't think I've come across a worse case of blatant road regulations-breaking, apart from when........

..... Turbine Coachbuilding PLC bought Maserati & brought out their Vaperon (to compete with the better known Bugatti Veyron), which did 300 mph in a canter, but still needed the string from the emergency Rangie windscreen wiper operation to hold open their super expensive ...........

Edited May 8, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........Vaperon II on the road at 70 km/hr."

Cappy knew he was in for a big fine, but just then bull came round the corner.

NES readers may not know that when bull left bone in the old F100 ute pulling a tri axle trailer with his Tyro, Jacka, and Cricket on board, he stopped off in Wagga, specifically to see if the BoB was really true or just another imagination from the NES.

He could not believe the size of the venue, a bit like the old Flamingo in Las Vegas, he couldn't believe the sound, and he couldn't believe that the local Highway Patrol Officer, Constable Doubtfire would be there doing her routine every 30 minutes., and sat through six sessions drooling.

As bull walked around the Range Rover and saw her, they sky turned gold and music started to play. Doubtfire recognised the toothless look, and started to sway.

Cappy grabbed her notebook as she swooned, and ............

 

 

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

..... just then bull came round the corner.

And that was after bull had been told numerous times not to do that unless he was at home, with the doors shut & the blinds closed.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

As bull walked around the Range Rover and saw her, they sky turned gold and music started to play. Doubtfire recognised the toothless look, and started to sway.

Cappy grabbed her notebook as she swooned, and ............

.... he drew an identikit picture of her gyrations (as she twerked up against Loxie) that set the internet (another Turbine Industries invention) on fire, and made Doubtfire ....

[Captain]

57 minutes ago, Captain said:

as she twerked up against Loxie

Note - Turbine Dance Studios teaches twerking for $56/hr per person and is available at a 20% discount for NES members.

 

Planey, Facty, Moderator 6 and Eeeeeean have been recent graduates and will be twerking their way through this year's Momba Festival beside the TDS float. (Salty asked that his name be withheld for personal reasons).

Edited May 9, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......sidle closer to Loxton who sidled away. He was a family man.

How did you get here?  asked bull, scratching his..........

[Captain]

16 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

......sidle closer to Loxton who sidled away. He was a family man.

How did you get here?  asked bull, scratching his..........

..... large and low hanging .....

 

PS ... You should see them when he goes to twerking parties.

[Captain]

36 minutes ago, Captain said:

..... large and low hanging .....

As Turbo often says, with great admiration "bull's are huge, pendulous, and almost metronomic when you see him walk down the street in Tazzy. They swing just like the Prague Metronome (see video below) and any of us would be proud".

 

 

Edited May 9, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......brow.

Loxton looked back at bull, but felt bull was too innocent and would probably be under stress from constantly being reminded about being a "Mainlander", (He'd been successful in covering up the fact that he was a Queenslander; the Tasmanians had never seen one and would go nuts if they thought another species had invaded.

 

In the 1950s a fruit fly had been spotted 5 km east of Deloraine and within three weeks every car had been fitted with a blue plastic bug killer (they were called bug "deflectors" but everyone knew they dispatched flies faster than a six gun. 

 

one of Turbo's dealers, in Launceston told him Tasmania had no foxes, the farmers had eradicated the last of them with AK47s to speed up the process. As Turbo drove out of the dealership he noticed a dead fox beside the road. It had probably been hit by one of the last remaining bug "deflectors", but Turbo never told anyone, and NES readers are asked not to let the story get out.

 

A Queenslander would be child's play to those people, probably ............

 

 

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

A Queenslander would be child's play to those people, probably .....

..... even a couple of Tasmanian ladies could kill poor bull, and the weapon would never be found, except for the evidence on the end of his ....

[turboplanner]

.....neck, resulting from their....

[Captain]

9 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....neck, resulting from their....

...... becoming overly .....

[turboplanner]

........zea.....

[Captain]

6 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........zea.....

...lfull and throttling poor bull when he was right at the vinegar .....

[turboplanner]

...vat trying to get the mixture just right for his "bull's Apple Strudel Cider" which he hoped to sell to mainland tourists, but it all went down..........

[Captain]

2 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

...vat trying to get the mixture just right for his "bull's Apple Strudel Cider" which he hoped to sell to mainland tourists, but it all went down.....

... (avref) ...

[onetrack]

....like the Titanic, when it was discovered that bull had imported apples from China, because they were cheaper. "They could've come from the Spratleys, for all we know!", exclaimed one outraged Devonport matron, who was a leading member of the Devonport CWA, and who was also on the Tasmanian Apple & Pear Growers Association committee.

 

And besides, the mainland tourists weren't coming to sample Tasmanias Apple Cider anymore, not since they'd discovered........

[turboplanner]

Western Australian Quince Shots.

OT had planted 50,000 acres of Quinces after  a thought bubble in the west season, something which happens a lot in WA.

Turbo was on a visit to his Station one day, and noticed OT steering the Land Cruiser off the track as they apprached a big hill.

"Where are you going?" asked Turbo in some alarm because they were seven hours from civilization driving over rocks and the weakest point fo the Cruiser is its shockers.

"Ah nowhere" replied OT, and Turbo, who knew OT very well picked up on the guilt and watched the horizon like a hawk. They came to a gap in the hills and Turbo saw the vast plantation of quince trees and 50,000 crows.

Turbo promised he wouldn't tell anyone, and OT said he'd tried to capture the youth market in the 1980s with Quince cocktails but Alan Bond squeezed him out of it with a cheaper product. "I spent millions" said OT.

 

They drove over and looked at the plantation, Turbo suggested the name "Quince Shots" and the rest is history, the Victorian Government picked up the tab for the brewery after Turbo told them it was going to be built in the Western District. Dan, still picking scabs off said "We want to encourage decentralisation" and the rest is history.

 

No one wanted bull's .......

 

[Captain]

9 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

They drove over and looked at the plantation, Turbo suggested the name "Quince Shots" and the rest is history, the Victorian Government picked up the tab for the brewery after Turbo told them it was going to be built in the Western District. Dan, still picking scabs off said "We want to encourage decentralisation" and the rest is history.

 

No one wanted bull's .......

Edited May 10, 2021 by Captain