The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

44 minutes ago, onetrack said:

ASIC had gone public on the Turbine conglomerate investigations, and the last thing bull needed was a........

..... tangible connection with Turbo or Turbine Industries (although he did like the concept of the grid girls, despite all of them being sourced from good families and top class religious colleges).

 

As well as being the modern equivalent of a dunny seat, Turbo & his dodgy corporate structure are also as etch-a-sketchy as Sanjeez-Louise Gupta and Kenny from Greensill Capital, (although Turbo thinks that their $6 billion owning is chicken feed), so bull was keen not to be besmirched by more .... 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...........connection, however tenuous to the Turbine Corporation, however he needn't have worried.

He saw the Current Affair Reporter and Cameraman climbing over fences from two properties away and calmly sat reading the newpaper in his outdoor eating area by the pool, a bowl of cornflakes and a Champagne on the table.  He offered to tell them all, and gave them a champagne breakfast, yelling them amazing scandals of ASIC people and naming enough people to keep ACA busy for a year, and when they finally said they better get something on tape and staggered towards the camera. the reported in one of Turbo's spare shirts, Turbo faced the camera and said "I'm aware of the allegations, and deny all but one of them (bull's escapade); our lawyers are investigating and we will be vigorously denying all charges in court."

Nobody noticed the swaying camera shot that night, and everything went away, except that.......................................

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Nobody noticed the swaying camera shot that night, and everything went away, except that......

..... the pit girls dumped bull and thought Turbs to be a super-stud and great TV performer so they sent smutty FaceBook Messages to Tubb, some of which were so fruity that they embarrassed him and made him blush.

 

"Geeeez I wish that was me on the receiving end of those messages" commented Salty who was back on the banks of the Murray at the Remnark Rissole "As I could do with a good ................ 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

............but he was cut short by Alice who yelled out "We're outta XXXXXXX beef patties; get back here and make some up!!!!: Salty began to wonder why he'd left Dandenong, even though it was now branded "Unsafe" in Tourist Advisories, and ...........

[Captain]

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

............but he was cut short by Alice who yelled out "We're outta XXXXXXX beef patties; get back here and make some up!!!!: Salty began to wonder why he'd left Dandenong, even though it was now branded "Unsafe" in Tourist Advisories, and ...........

..... by contrast, Remnark was now branded ".....

[turboplanner]

............Schitt Creek East. "We want to cash in on the Insuance Ads said  Usku Aunite, First Nations Mayor, who was successfully voted in on the wave of a successful tourist attraction, a garish Totem Pole just like the other First Nationals markers in Vancouver. A wag had put a sign up "Big XXXXX" and the free-campers started turning off looking for a "Schitts Creek" sign so they could add it to their 723 "sign" photos. A few Motor Home people complained that there was no crocodile warning sign in the Murray they could use, so .............

[onetrack]

.......Turbo saw an immediate opening right there, and started up Turbine Signmakers Inc, producing a wide range of safety and warning signs that people could purchase and drive in the ground anywhere.

 

As a result, not only did Crocodile Warning signs suddenly appear in numbers along the Murray, there were also warning signs about the man-eating Murray Cod, and warnings signs about the vicious Murray River Drop Bears, that hid way up in the Eucalyptus camaldulensis along the banks of the River.

There were warning signs about the monstrous Murray River mosquitoes, that were known to carry their victims away and drain their blood, a la Dracula.

 

In fact, signs even appeared, warning about the dangers associated with camping under Eucalyptus camaldulensis, as these trees were considered even more dangerous than Drop Bears.

But when signs started appearing, warning about the Murray Ness Monster, the tourists started leaving in droves, and it was then left to......

 

(Dear NES readers - unbelievably, one of Turbine Signmakers Inc safety signs has recently been discovered on a vacant allotment in Moorabbin. Here is the photographic evidence)

 

 

 

Edited May 16, 2021 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

.........Salty to be the "Sign Monitor" and go out each morning to remove any signs indicating danger.

First day out there was a hand written sign "Salty catches crabs" in Alice's handwriting. Salty...................

[Captain]

..... took .....

[turboplanner]

..........out his crayon (that's all the Schitt's CReek Store sold) and wrote a letter to the Mayor. The problem came when he tried to buy a postage stamp at the store. Skye, in her early fifties, was getting to the point where she didn't care much about anything snapped "Why don't you text him, we don't keep stamps anymore", and Salty replied that it was a confidential matter. "Well go over there and TELL the bastard then", she said

and Salty walked over to the river bank where her husband, the Mayor was having his morning coffee, coughing and spluttering. Knowing that Skye would find out what he said 30 seconds after he left he tried to impress on the Mayor his distress at the unauthorised sign. If he'd done this in his old City of Greater Dandenong, there would have been a meeting which decided to adopt a policy from the Councillor down to every officer and all the ratepayers to teach themselves greater diversity, a "Friends Festival" respect for the traditional owners of the land past and present (but not the present developers who weren't paying enough Rates) a sticker campaign "Respect Salty" and a biography on the Council website showing that Salty was 9 lbs when he was born, a leader in his school classes (unspecified actions), and a model citizen who should be looked up to and obeyed, with another sticker announcing a new penalty of $6723.00 for putting up an unauthorised sign in the municipality.

Instead of doing something inclusing like that Mayor Wayne just sat back and laughed, so Salty just lashed out nd kicked him backwards into the river. This caused ..............

[Captain]

....... a new sign to be installed which said "Kicking of Mayors into the River is prohibited - Penalty $2,000", although it was subsequently argued in the right-wing press (of which the Remnark "Battlecry" and the Moorabbin "Bash-the-Lefties" are leading lights - both edited & published by Turbine Newspapers) that some Mayors deserve a good kicking.

 

Salty certainly felt that his actions were justified, but once he saw the ........

[onetrack]

....new signage, he was frightened that a council ranger would pin him with a $200 infringement for the Mayor kicking. He decided it was time to leave town.

 

He climbed into the Drifter (avref), did his pre-flight checks (more avref) - then discovered that someone had stolen the engine - despite the sign, warning offenders that interfering with aircraft (even more avref) was punishable by a 20 yr jail term.

 

Now he was in a fix, thanks to those Riverland thieves. He couldn't leave town until he found another power unit. He hoofed it into town and went looking through the light industrial area for some business that might be able to help him out.

 

Finally, he spotted a lawncare centre, that sold a huge range of whipper snippers, chainsaws, ride-on garden tractors, and small stationary engines. His eyes lit up when he spotted ......

[Captain]

29 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Finally, he spotted a lawncare centre, that sold a huge range of whipper snippers, chainsaws, ride-on garden tractors, and small stationary engines. His eyes lit up when he spotted ......

..... the whipper snipper as his Grandma had called him a young one of those when he was a little fella.

 

And that was back last century before whipper snippers had been invented ...... (nor had 912i Rotaxes (essential&eventualavref)) (doublebracketref) but with his eyes still lit up he also spotted .....

Edited May 17, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......a Briggs & Stratton; no thru bolts, still runs when cricket chaff, sawdust or bulldust (not referring to THE bull from bone), or when covered in sewerage.

it cost him ten bucks with the ezy-start and he quickly bolted it in, rigged a rope from the ez-start to a foot pedal, and taxied to the very end of the strip. This was a smart move because the Drifter just didn’t lift. Salty was frightened of Skye enough to sit there and wait it out preferring to lose he Cajoolies in the barbed wire than suffer what that monster would do to him. The drifter cleared the boundary fence and slowly gained height over the Mallee where Salty had once gone in at 4,000 feet when a Thru bolt let go, only to see the only graded strip free of mulga in 50 nm.

”THIS IS FLYING!” He thought as the gentle breeze warmed his moustache, and he cam up with the concept of “Drifter Lite”, and

[Captain]

46 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

”THIS IS FLYING!” He thought as the gentle breeze warmed his moustache, and he cam up with the concept of “Drifter Lite”, and

DO WE CONTINUE ON? OR IS THIS THE END OF THE NES? OR CAN I ASSUME THAT THE DOTS ARE ACTUALLY THERE? KNOWING HOW THOROUGH AND PROFESSIONAL TURBS USUALLY IS, I AM CONFIDENT THAT HE WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT THEM OUT UNLESS HIS COMPUTER HAD RUN OUT OF RIBBON OR INK (BUT PERHAPS HE HAS JUST KICKED THE BUCKET IN MID NES? [BREATHE TURBO BREATHE AND DON'T LET THE LIGHT GO OUT]. WHAT TO DO? ............. OH WELL, IT'S ONLY TURDBOY, SO .........

 

....... the rest is history, with the "Drifter Lite" being ......

Edited May 17, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...scheduled for production in the coming spring.  Unfortunately Salty went off the planet, dressing up in suits two sizes too small for him, just like Elon Musk and just like the Tesla 3 series the Drifter Lite production line hadn't started because someone forgot to wire power to the factory.

It was when Salty announced he was going to build a Space Port at Schitt's Creek that the Press turned on him and................

 

[New NES readers are advised to ignore the outbursts from Cappy, who pounces on the slighest oversight on a forum. When he was a kid he would whine "Are we there yet?" even for a trip to the shops, then the minute he turned sixteen, he wouldn't leave the house unless someone told him whether to wear a jumper or not. What we do is just give him his dots or full stop or whatever else he wants, and post a retaliation in the afternoon when he's off with the fieries corrected; fairies]

 

[Captain]

23 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It was when Salty announced he was going to build a Space Port at Schitt's Creek that the Press turned on him and .......

.... because it was only the ABC that attacked poor Brine (our hero in this instance), everyone ignored the 7.30 Report and 4 Corners wanky expose's and he continued on with his Starlink program which is in direct competition with Elon's program of the same name.

 

"Mine will be the winner as all my Satellites will be at just 10 kms height (avref) AMSL (anotheravref) so your phone will connect with mine before the signal gets to Elon's ............ and sure, ............. I need a few thousand more of the little buggers, but ......

Edited May 18, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......in the meantime I've decided to built a Briggs & Stratton (BNS)/Drifter production line.

Not many people know that the brains behind the Briggs & Stratton success story; it was once said that there were more BNS engines in the world than there were fleas.

Lucy trained as an engineer at MIT and graduated just as Joe Briggs was going through a bad spot with thru bolt failures in his B engines. He gave the project to Lucy to fix. As an Engineer, she'd always liked nuts, and quickly figured that if you clamp the head to the barrel with bolts and nuts and you bolt the barrel to the crankcase with bolts and nuts there are no thru bolts to pull out. The results with the MK II BNS were little short of astounding. An unbreakable engine, and it sold around the world. Joe took on Lucy as a partner and so the name became Briggs and Stratton. Lucy married Howard Turbine but he had to go off the War; flew Hellcats off the USS Midway where .........

[onetrack]

....he was part of the Flying Leathernecks and one day when on patrol, ran into a pack of 15 Zeros intent on Kamikaze missions, and shot 14 of them down. The 15th one fled when he saw Howard Turbines Hellcat nose insignia of a bumblebee armed with 20mm cannons under each wing.

Howard returned to the Midway with holes shot through most control surfaces, as well as the wings and fuselage - but he landed on the deck of the Midway, just like it was a normal landing.

 

Once on the heaving deck, he was surrounded by admiring deck crew, who had already heard of his exploits, and they were all over him, slapping him on the back and shaking his hand.

 

But Howard brushed off the adulation, he was unfazed by fame and glory, he only wanted to see Zeros falling out of the sky, until there were no more Zeros left.

This is the breed that Turbo comes from - steely-eyed, steely-nerved, a chiselled jawline like a movie star - but there was just one area where Howard was lacking, in the looks dept - and that was his ears.

 

Howards protruding ears had been responsible for him getting into scraps every day at school, as he was teased about them endlessly. Hardly a day went by at school without some kid calling out, "Hey, Donkey ears!! Hee-Haww! Hee-Hawww!"

It's unfortunate that Turbo inherited his ears as well, and this is the sole feature that identifies any of the Turbine family straight up - and Turbo has been embarrassed so often, about his Prince of Wales ears, he even sought out.....

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

It's unfortunate that Turbo inherited his ears as well, and this is the sole feature that identifies any of the Turbine family straight up - and Turbo has been embarrassed so often, about his Prince of Wales ears, he even sought out.....

..... a specialist Vet who fixed donkey's ears by grafting them onto the Equus asinus's hindquarters.

 

Surprisingly Turbs rejected that plan and then the Vet came up with an amazing & practical solution.

 

"Use your Prince Charles flappers as a Canard (avref) and just leave the screen off the Drifter (avref). All you need to do is to tilt that bulbous head of yours with your flappers held out straight and you'll be able to turn as tightly as a Saab Viggen up the clacker (avref) of a Chengdu J-20 in a dogfight, or the fight that you ..........

Edited May 18, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......may come across if WW III breaks out.

It was Howard who explained to a young Turbo Basic Aeronautical Knowledge. "Some call it BAK now; useless XXXXX, they don't even learn the basics" and he taught Turbo so well that by the age of three he was able to carve an aircraft out of a lemon tree and make it fly.

Howard chose a particularly tough instructor to teach Turbo. Biggles himself; now almost totally deaf from putting his head over the side of a Bulldog to yell smart aleck theories to the boys in the other kites, Biggles had a short temper and didn't muck about. He'd put the aircraft nto an irrecoverable spin and say to Turbo "Fix this or we die!" Turbo, using his BAK knowledge would analyse the situation, then do the only thing possible to save the aircraft.

On a few occasions that included shaking his head to get he ears full extended and....

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Howard chose a particularly tough instructor to teach Turbo. Biggles himself; now almost totally deaf from putting his head over the side of a Bulldog to yell smart aleck theories to the boys in the other kites, Biggles had a short temper and didn't muck about. He'd put the aircraft nto an irrecoverable spin and say to Turbo "Fix this or we die!" Turbo, using his BAK knowledge would analyse the situation, then do the only thing possible to save the aircraft.

On a few occasions that included shaking his head to get he ears full extended and....

......... he would zoooom (avref) below the power lines & fly low (naughtyavref) past the assembled crowd that had rocked up to see the great Turbo fly (avref) with Howard.

 

The crowd could not believe that the fabled Howard Hughes (legandaryavref) was a mate of Turbo's when their ages were so similar as Howard (or Howie to his mates) was only 2 years older than Turbs. (They were very (and suspiciously) close and it is now known that the 2nd part of the Spruce Goose was named after Turdboy).

 

But then the crowd went crazy when Amelia Earhart stepped out of the aircraft and took both boy's arms, gave a provocative giggle and headed off to a suite in the Waldorf.

 

What goes on, or comes off, in the Waldorf stays in the Waldorf, but if you get Turbo half stung on cheap scotch, he often boasts (it's the same tacky and sordid story every time) about how he and Howie took ..........

 

EDIT - Some say that Amelia was actually a bloke (NTTIAWWT) and that would fit with her/him spending a night doing the horizontal hula with Turbo. ....... ADMIN - MODERATOR 18

 

Amelia doing her best impression of a young & virginal Turbo ... and of Bill Gates (or Gatesy as Cappy & Bill's mates know him).

Edited May 19, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......Air Force One (which was a DC3 in those days and bet each other they could land it on the White House Lawn. Howard tried three times but had to go round on each occasion, but Turbo, a lot younger with sharper reflexes, three pointed it on the lawn.

DC3s didn't have much stopping power, and there were no bollards of fences around the White House in those days - you could walk up and see the President working in the Oval Office.

Turbo almost got it stopped , but just skidded out onto the street and knocked down a family from Des Moines, Iowa. No one was hurt, and Turbo jumped out and after making sure they were OK, offered to take them inside the plane and the President would sign an autograph.

Howard looked very Presidential, signed some old coffee cups and said to the son "You'll go far, Son"  and Howard stopped the traffic while Turbo flung the DC around 180, and he soved the trottle through the gate and only knocked one chimney pot off the White House.

You probably couldn't do that today what with all the politically correct sh!t around, or .............

[Captain]

37 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

You probably couldn't do that today what with all the politically correct sh!t around, or .....

.... perhaps you could if you had the Norman Gunston DC3 and didn't want it back.

 

When Turbo did it, Herbert Hoover (or Herby to his mates) was President and he invited Turbo (or Turbo to his mates) in to the oval office for a brew-up and a chat about Amelia to see whether she really was hermaphroditic or whether she was actually like the Uniroot and preferred it the ......

Edited May 19, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........wing.

Turbo, an industry leader in Diversity even then had managed to persuade Hoov (Cappy clearly never reached the inner inner circle) not to disrespect Amelia, but sensed that he might know the truth about that day when the Spruce Goose first.

It wasn't on Long Beach Harbour; that was a later PR stunt for the press.

Not many people know that Turbo was one of the designers, spending hours through the night at his drawing board, drawing bigger and bigger curves until, by his own natural instincts he had arrived at the optimum shape, fuse length and wing span to carry 800 troops anywhere in the world.

It's testament to his drafting and calculating skills that his design, using nothing more than spruce for a frame would be copied by Being for its 747, and Airbus in future years.

Of course it meant many boring hours testing the original prototype out on the Bay, with Howard cracking the whip. He had a history of cracking up every plane he'd ever flown, so he was only allowed to taxy the Spruce Goose, but there was plenty to test; Howard invented servo controls, being smart enough to know that no man, except perhaps Turbo could handle a two tonne elevator effort on the stick. Often Turbo would invite Amelia along, and they'd walk out in one of the wings and spend the afternoon listening to the drone of the engines and doing what young people do.

This particular afternoon Howard had found the throttles were sticking on engines 2, 3 6 and 8. He was pumping the throttles and strring up the water, but couldn't get the aircraft to plane, and started his whining screaming for Turbo, who luckily heard it when he'd pulled the throttles back to idling for the tenth time. Turbo, resourceful as ever came up with a solution and he and Amela quickly went through the wing attending to each engine while they were all at idle.

Turbo had told Howard not to open the throttles while he was working on them, but Howard was partly deaf, and suddenly jammed them forward and the Spruce Goose lurched out of the water.

Turbo and Amelia took another tumble, and a lone cameraman on the shore snapped a photo which was to become world-famous decades later.

Turbo never told Howard he'd fixed the throttles with KY jelly, and he wasn't about to tell Hoov, because...................