The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

....catch, Turbine Maori Security stopped him at the door. "We know hem Bro" he said "Don't lit hem un", and omce again Cappy waqs forced to watch through the fence, and hope that .....................

[Captain]

34 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....catch, Turbine Maori Security stopped him at the door. "We know hem Bro" he said "Don't lit hem un", and omce again Cappy waqs forced to watch through the fence, and hope that .....................

..... the big Maori security bloke didn't want to rub noses, or anything else.

 

"Dud you see thut Scott had to rub his against Jucunta's in Niu Zuland yusterday, the poor bugger?" sud the Sucurity chaaap.

 

"Yus" sud Raatty, trying to fut un "But dud you also see whut .....

Edited June 1, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.......was huppening with Scotty and his counterpart? It was just amazing to see. Scotty didn't wunt to rub noses, and only wunted to elbow bump, and it looked like a new kind of dunce, as they moved arund each other!"

 

Meantime, Cappy had a phone call to attend to, that called him away from the shower, so he just sloshed a bottle of Eau de Cologne around the old ABC (that's [under]Arms, Bum and Crotch, for those who haven't worn Army OD clothing, and crawled around in S.E. Asian jungles for 3 weeks without a wash of any kind).

 

This Eau de Cologne sloshing had the effect of making a number of the CWA ladies swoon at the whiff of Cappys new aroma (which, one must admit, is much better than his regular aroma of wet dogs), and they had to be helped back to their feet.

 

Cappy took the urgent call, and was surprised to find it was...........

Edited June 1, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

Cappy took the urgent call, and was surprised to find it was...........

...... an Equerry from the Palace to enquire about security details for Natfly (and what type of Pokies are at the Rissole).

 

"Her Madge is pretty keen" the Equerry said "But one of our biggest concerns is that some FNQ'er come (cum) Taswegian might fly up in his Cricket (avref) and go the grope and if that happens there will be a .......

Edited June 1, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......sword ceremony, but it's more likely he'll be nutted than knighted.

ot thought back to the time he was knighted for services to the agribusiness communitit when single handedly he ended a mice plague in New South Wales by buying a welder at an aution and bringing it back to WA.

"My problem now is hopw to get rid of them in WA" and he .............

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

...... sword ceremony, but it's more likely he'll be nutted than knighted.

ot thought back to the time he was knighted for services to the agribusiness communitit when single handedly he ended a mice plague in New South Wales by buying a welder at an auction and bringing it back to WA.

"My problem now is how to get rid of them in WA" and he .............

..... worked with Turbine Restaurants and Take-Aways PLC to develop recipes that could be made socially acceptable ......... "After all, when there is a free supply of ingredients, there is a good quid to be made." added the CFO of TR&TAPLC.

 

"We considered & registered the name of "Muso Rolls" but the colour was a bit off, so we then found the answer ..... and the generic name said it all, so we registered the name worldwide and things are set to look up, as the trucks are already rolling out of western NSW to our new 10 hectare factory in Southern Cross where we will be making "Mousse" in various flavors."

 

"The biggest trick is the keep the processing rigorously controlled" said one of OT's Production Managers "As study groups have shown us that they don't like it when the crusher settings open up and bits of tail and tiny little bits of feet start to appear in the mix."

 

"Chocolate is the best" added Onesie "As that color is the most effective to disguise your typical western NSW field mouse, however the Mango flavour is very popular with focus group testing, where the ......

 

AN INITIAL PROMOTIONAL PHOTO .... not a tiny foot to be seen, so how good is that.

Edited June 2, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

THE MANGO MOUSSE HAS BEEN MORE PROBLEMMATIC,

BUT EARLY TESTING HAS BEEN A SUCCESS.

[onetrack]

.....the focus is on the impact of the colour, rather than the taste. The yellow colour really is a hit, it makes everyone think it's a Caterpillar product, and everyone wants to be associated with Caterpillar today! - and of course, Cat want to be in on the scene, too, they like to have their name hung off everything, so Cat Mousse is going to a great hit in the Supermarket aisles!

 

"Shouldn't it be named Cat and Mousse?", said Cappy with some concern. "We all know how correct naming can make or break a product!"

 

"Nah", said OT. "Cat Mousse rolls off the tongue, just like the product. "The only problem we're going to have, is keeping up the supply of mice from NSW. We all know that NSW is a pretty poor performer when it comes to supporting W.A. - just look at Barilaro, he always slinging off at Mark McGowan, now he's chucked a wobbly over a comedian taking the piXX out of him!

Soon, he'll be declaring mice an important NSW food product, and exports to other States will be restricted, and that will mean.......

[Captain]

32 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Soon, he'll be declaring mice an important NSW food product, and exports to other States will be restricted, and that will mean.......

..... that contract law will be applied, possibly all the way up to the Supreme Court (but the contract had been written by Turbine Legal, so no worries about that and even if it gets appealed to the House of Lords, his Lordship the Captain will be there to look after Onesie and WA as a whole (hole)).

 

Turbo is (also) a trucking guru and the Captain has worked extensively with him/her (NTTIAWWTBTW) to ensure optimum transport costs all the way over to the West.

 

"We are on a winner" commented Ratty "As the mice are shipped live and the little turds (Turboref) are allowed to run about, 400,000 to a 40 ft container, so that their movement aids fuel economy when they run to the rear, and they are light when partly in midair. They are getting a bit tired by about Kimba, are asleep by Eucla and have snuffed it in their tiny little 3 inch long individual beds by Northam. Then we turn the freezer on as they head north towards Boulder and they are ready to process immediately on arrival in the outer western suburbs of Southern Cross."

 

The complaints from PETA still continue and they want the mice tagged and released near Esperance, but ......

Edited June 2, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........the Esperance Progress and Darts Association members caught the PETA members lying in wait next to the highway and tagged them with cow tags so see if they liked it and there was no more trouble from PETA, but Constable Doubtfire had been seconded to WA Police and was drinking a cup of takeaway coffee from the Bungarra Roadhouse when she heard the trucks coming. Cappy was riding in the lead truck and had given instructions they were to stop for no one. Doubtfire had they eyes of a hawk and recognised Cappy's misshapen head; Cappy recognised Doubtfire's two ....................................

[Captain]

15 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Doubtfire had they eyes of a hawk

... which sent the few (40,000 or so) still awake mice into a frenzy.

 

15 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Cappy recognised Doubtfire's two ......

..... magnificent .......

Edited June 2, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

............ears and tried to get his trucks turned up a side road but Doubtfire was fast and raced the Morris Commercial Police Van, with bell ringing up  dirt road, cutting the trucks off, but they accelerated around her and the Morris was left behind............

[onetrack]

.....in a cloud of dust. So Const Doubtfire did the only sensible thing - she called in the WAPOL PC-12's (seriously overdue avref). They took off within 5 mins, and made it to the Bungarra Roadhouse in less than an hour, landing on the road to pick up Doubtfire (because she was needed to ID the Eastern States-origin, fleeing felons).

 

The PC-12's didn't take long to pick up the trucks dust trail. They flew over the top of the trucks and called on them to stop. But Cappy told the driver to keep going. "What are they gonna do?", he crowed. "Shoot out our tyres? They couldn't hit the side of a truck at this distance! - let alone our tyres!"

 

But no sooner than Cappy had uttered these words, than there appeared a line of...........

[turboplanner]

ADF Soldiers across the road reservation, rifles at the ready. Stopping mouse smugglers was the very reason Premier McGowan had kept them on long after Covid had died down.

 

The drivers brought the trucks to a stop.

 

Looking down, Constable Doubtfire yelled to the PC12 pilot "Land on the road, I need to stop those smugglers!", but the pilot said "The mains [avref] are wider than the road", so Doubtfire said "Give me a parachute [avref] then" and the pilot said WAPOL PC12s never fail so we don't carry them", and the conversation went on and on.

 

The ADF Sergeant called up Bungarra Police, and the old Sergeant who was down at the pub watching a football map said "Call Constable Doubtfire, she's right in that area" This situation would be known to computer programmers as a "circular reference".

 

Cappy saw his opportunity and said "Look, we've just been cleaning out some wheat silos of mice and we're taking them well away from town to burn them."

 

That sounded logical to the Sergeant who was billeted in Bungarra and wasn't keen on the smell, so he said "Continue on, and ..............."

 

[It's not a well known fact, but people who eat Weet Bix every morning are eating an average of an eighth of a mouse - just sayin]

[Captain]

17 hours ago, turboplanner said:

and raced the Morris Commercial Police Van, with bell ringing up  dirt road, cutting the trucks off, but they accelerated around her and the Morris was left behind.....

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT - As a result of this expose in the NES, the WA Govt has initiated a judicial enquiry into their recent Government purchases, as the "Morris Commercial Police Van" was one of their largest procurement contracts after Morris opened a new dealership in Perth in Feb 2021 and their A30 sedan was an instant hit.

 

"This is worse than the froggy Sub purchase" commented Mark "And if this isn't solved I think another WA lockdown will be needed so that I appear to be a dynamic leader & somewhat in charge to save all Sandgropers (SAS) ........... "Ooooops, cancel that analogy as they are (wrongfully [CappyPoliticalRef]) on the nose at the moment too."

Edited June 3, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

That sounded logical to the Sergeant who was billeted in Bungarra and wasn't keen on the smell, so he said "Continue on, and ..............."

........ he bowed to the waist before saying "God's speed my Lord" (which again is a bit of a circular reference .................... and upset the Muslim and Hindi members of the NES).

 

"Don't you worry about that, dear Hindi and Muslim NES lurkers, as we'll give you a serve eventually ............ alternatively please refer back to the Osama Bed Linen/Rotty tunnels section of the NES expose if you wish to be offended sooner." added the NES's Political and Religious Editor (PARE). 

 

The trucks rolled on, refrigeration units screaming, mice dreaming about being released into the sandhills and living peacefully on a farm (ohhh the sandhills, there is nothing but bloody sandhills) around Manjimupemupup .................. yet all the time the trucks were taking a backroad shortcut towards the Southern Cross Mouse receival & processing facility, located beside the FDA approved Mousse flavoring & production line, headed by .......

Edited June 3, 2021 by Captain

[CT9000]

........ One of the latest Morris commercial police vans fitted with the latest experimental supercharged side valve engines, stolen from.....

[Captain]

3 hours ago, Captain said:

Sandgropers

OT was offended by the use of this term, and did not respond to the NES for a while when he was sulking about it, however once he realized that Mexicans were also traditionally known as Gumsuckers or Cabbage Gardeners, he was a happy little Sandgroper again.

Edited June 3, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

2 hours ago, CT9000 said:

........ One of the latest Morris commercial police vans fitted with the latest experimental supercharged side valve engines, stolen from.....

...... a Renault Dauphine (but not the Gordini, which were way too exxey) which had also been used by Turdboy for years as the basis for his Sprintcar, and which is now hidden below the cheap reproduction fibreglass body of his imitation Corvette.

 

The Dauphine's power made the MCPV lift (avref) the front wheels when powering away from the lights in the main street of Northam, while chasing mouse convoys up the .......

Edited June 3, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........back alleys of this picturesque town (by WA standards).

Constable Doubtfire revelled in throwing he weight around, as we all know, some from past experience, and any Northamite moving slower than a fast walking pace quickly felt a big hand on his or her shirt collar and opening the cam lock with one hand she'd sling him or her along the floor to hit the front wall with a thud. Once inside the Van body you only hung around the front wall for a non-second because soon a drunk would skid across the floor and hit the spot with a "CLANG!".

 

Cappy had been holidaying in Northam and was stretched out on a banana lounge on the vacant block next door, in his mankini, taking the rays. He'd just finished the newspaper and drifted off to sleep when around the corner came the Morris Commercial using all the Dauphne's power. Doubtfire stepped on the brake pedal, but brakes weren't one of Mr Morris's strong points, and the truck headed straight for Cappy with doubtfire stabbing at the brake pedal with her boot.

 

Cappy was still asleep as the truck came rushing on, and next .......................................

[CT9000]

..........He woke up and realized that it was all a dream, it had to be, after all a Renault Dofine powered stolen Morry police van lifting the front wheels at the lights?????........ although the bit about the brakes rings true so maybe it is possible. He sat there in a drunken haze wondering just how big a supercharger can be? Will it push the pistons into the sump? Will it twist the Morry axles like licorice?.......

[turboplanner]

....is this the end for Cappy? Is .........

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....is this the end for Cappy? Is .........

..... the sunburn mark from his Rudolph Xmas mankini going to .......

 

BELOW IS A PHOTO OF RATTY FROM THE NORTHAM HERALD

 

 

CAPPY'S USED MANKINI WILL BE AUCTIONED AT THE NEXT NATFLY

and Her Madge is expected to be an interested bidder.

Edited June 3, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......be placed in the Perth Museum which specialises in forgettable trivia?

NES readers can breathe a sigh of relief because even half-asleep he wasn't going to miss out on his mid-morning gin and just as the Morris was about to hit him he sprang up towards the house and stepped through the fence.

The Morris careered on careering through a corner bedroom where a baby had been asleep last night and finising up in the master bedroom of another house where a couple usually slept, but this day were watching a re-run of the Coronation on Channel 2.

Doubtfire was left to explain the damage to the newest vehicle in the WA Police force and the Assistant Commissioner, a Pom wasn't very ...............

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Doubtfire was left to explain the damage to the newest vehicle in the WA Police force and the Assistant Commissioner, a Pom wasn't very ...............

..... ethical & was quite misogynistic, he was a union delegate plus was a strong supporter of Labor, so he had all of the required attributes for a good WAPOL career and had risen quickly through the ranks.

 

"These new MCPVs might lack guts, but geeez they must be strong to do that much damage, so that will go down well at the Enquiry (he was actually the one that ordered the 25,000 MCPVs in response for receiving a kickback paid in Bitcoin in a secret account in Manchester just down the road from the Morris factory [now owned by an Indian conglomerate])" he said in his best Mancunian accent mixed with the typical WA combination of Sth Africaaaaaans and Geraldton 1st Nations dialects, then added "Hey Doubty, come over here, don't be scared, sit on your lovely AC's knee and show me your great set of ..........

Edited June 3, 2021 by Captain