The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

48 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

......half a mile is still a long way in a Haval ute with an un reliable engine even if the engine is painted Nissan blue with a 1200 badge on the top.........

.... "Don't knock the Havals" commented OT who has taken them on in WA and has his sights set on .......

[turboplanner]

.......the next dealer conference at Esperance where dealers from all over Australia will be entertained by a morning run out to the three mile and back, "lunch with the Quokkas" where they will eat mutton bird sandwiches and view the two Quokkas, a motivational speech, "How I discovered Yoga" by Gina Reinhardt, a spitting competition at the evening dinner followed by the Ernie Dongo show where Ernie explains how he came up with the Smoking Ceremony, and his imitation of a didjeridoo, a cricket bat handout and training entitled "How to bat away objections to buying a Havel" by cricketer Ian Chapple's financial advisor, and important closing address by the head of Havel, Chairman Oi Lee Leeq. 

 

OTs problem was that the New Zealand dealers were also coming and ....................

 

 

[onetrack]

...they were looking for a decent supply of Haval engines after investing heavily in a Turbine Aero distributorship, selling Evo52's. This was proving to be a poor investment for the said Kiwis, as the number of Evo52's left flying, were in direct proportion to the increasing number of angry Evo52 owners, who all reckoned they'd been sold a dog. 

Many of these disgruntled Kiwi Evo52 owners were now going past the dealers, when they realised who the instigator of the problem was, and they were baying for Turbo's blood - and some skin - and an arm and leg, too.

Turbo decided it was time to make himself scarce, and catch an early flight to.......

[turboplanner]

Honolulu, cruise out to Waikiki, and catch a few rays before .............

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Honolulu, cruise out to Waikiki, and catch a few rays before .............

...... skinning them and selling them to Japanese tourists in packets containing the "makings" for shark fin soup, but also with their tail as .....

[onetrack]

.... a souvenir of their retirement trip to Honolulu. The tail is not only a souvenir, it can be used, strapped to their backs when swimming, as a way to ensure they have the beach to themselves.

 

The Japanese were eternally grateful to Turbo for making their Honolulu trip so enjoyable, they actually erected a statue to him in Kesennuma.

 

But the sculptor, an old bloke who had his own ideas of what a statue of Turbo should look like, built the statue of Turbo, holding a Tuna!

 

The local Japanese were dismayed, they didn't want Turbo holding a Tuna, they wanted him holding a Shark! So they agreed to.........

 

(and for those dear NES readers, many of whom have probably never been to Kesennuma, here is the waterfront statue of renown - Turbo gripping a big fat Tuna, while he wields a whip on the workers under him.)

 

 

 

Edited July 5, 2021 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

......modify the sculptor's work. The mistake they made was choosing the local panel beater to do the work.

He cut the tuna off with an angle grinder, and made a shark out of six Matsuda "Tough" front numbers. It looked more like a eater heater so they had to get him to weld the tuna back on, and OT's  snapshot is  current one of Turbo golding the Tuna, but no one in Kesennuma mentions it today. Speaking of whips, as OT was, astute NES readers will remember that OT whips in his internecine jabs very subtly. What Turbo is holding in his hand is not a whip, but a large fishing rod. Turbo always goes after his gamefish single handed, and always gets ...............................

[Captain]

..... upset when his statues show him wearing jodpurs, & a depressingly low crutch line, as this one does in ......

Edited July 5, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

3 hours ago, Captain said:

..... upset when his statues show him wearing jodpurs, & a depressingly low crutch line, as this one does in ......

.....Japan. Nobushi in the nicest possible way, corrected Cappy and said "He wearing Kanzai Ichiban" which means a very famous costume only awarded to the mightiest Warriors. "It might look ridiculous to us" he said, nodding at Cappy, "but its an unbelievable chick magnet in the streets of Japan, and ..........................."

[onetrack]

.....the only thing stopping Turbo from pulling the chicks is his abominably ugly face, and his chrome dome - but we have full-head masks for that as well, so he should gain some advantage in them."

 

"I think you've been out of Japan for too long", said Cappy to Nob. "You've lost the art of speaking correct Japanese. For a start, 'Kanzai' is a treasure hunter, one of the Anime characters - a member of the Zodiacs, using the codename 'Tiger'. You did get 'Ichiban" right, it  means 'Number One', or 'the best'.

But I think you actually mean to say 'Banzai Ichiban', which would probably be more correct, when referring to Turbo - he always has thought he's an Emperor in his own right, and being referred to as 'Number One Emperor', really appeals to his ego. So much so, that he now plans to have........

[turboplanner]

.......the Sato province renamed Turbine County."

Nob's eyes bulged at this Americanisn and he said "He not, is he?"

Cappy sank the knife in with "He is!"

Normally that would have worked, but Nob had been to war several times with Turbo, they'd saved each other's lives and the two had dressed up as painters, taken their van into the Kure Museum at Hiroshima and taken out the interior of the Zero which is on display there, replacing the engine with a Volkswagen engine, using 2" pipe for the guns, and finally after two months near impossible working, taken the Zero Skin off the outside, making a mould then a skin in FRP, trimming it and slipping it over the aircraft before dawn. Security staff on the dawn shift remarked how much better the Zero looked now that it was painted.

Nob looked at Cappy with that WW II look, and Cappy started to shake. He ducked as the knife swished past; Nobushi was a Samurai and Cappy knew this fight was going to the death. He grabbed a postcard from the desk....................

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"It might look ridiculous to us" he said, nodding at Cappy, "but its an unbelievable chick magnet in the streets of Japan

.... "But I do agree that it looks like he has egged his nest" added Nobu.

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Nob looked at Cappy with that WW II look, and Cappy started to shake. He ducked as the knife swished past; Nobushi was a Samurai and Cappy knew this fight was going to the death. He grabbed a postcard from the desk.............

...... and a pair of scissors with which to fashion a working star knife, a 1911 Colt - in 9 mm no less [with the original design issues fully rectified] - & a nappy for Turbo's egg-nested statue, all with which Cappy bravely ......

Edited July 6, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......squeezed under his left armpit. With his hands he was feverishly cutting a crude star knife at a quality similar to an RA pilot building a Jab kit. This left him holding the nappy in his teeth and the Colt gripped between his upper thighs (female Commonwealth MP ref).

 

Nob swung the knife in a near invisible arc, but missed and the follow-through drove the knife into the trigger of the Colt which sprayed out a cloud of burnt black powder and drove a 9 mm furrow further up Cappys inner thigh, coming out at waist level and jerking the nappy out of his mouth taking with it his left mandible and right incisor.

 

He didn't know whether to scream or spit blood, but before he could do either, Nob yelled "Aussie Plick!!! and his boot came up.........................

Edited July 6, 2021 by turboplanner

[Captain]

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

He didn't know whether to scream or spit blood, but before he could do either, Nob's boot came up.........

......... and connected with what many amazed and satisfied ladies (NTTIAWWTBTW) over the years have described as .......

Edited July 6, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....disappointing, want my money back, deflating, such a little thing, a let down, bent, not up to the description on the box, damaged goods, yellow, and .....................

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

....disappointing, want my money back, deflating, such a little thing, a let down, bent, not up to the description on the box, damaged goods, yellow, and .....................

...... yet strangely desirable and satisfying.

 

"That's nothing" said Nobu, who gave them another kicking just for ruck, and to make them compretery brack "Here radies, have a rook at these ...........

Edited July 6, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.................but before he could finish, Eleanor, aged 87 and half blind yelled "TRUFFLES".........................

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.................but before he could finish, Eleanor, aged 87 and half blind yelled "TRUFFLES".........................

.... and she unleashed 3 truffle pigs & a truffle labrador, who rushed at Cappy and hit him right between his .......

[turboplanner]

.......garden and the Rolls.

One of the truffle pigs bit the Labrador by mistake (pigs have very short sight), and his DNA wiring kicked in, turning him from a kid's most trusted companion to the attack dog he was bred to be in a nanosecond and he went for Cappy's throat.

appy just had time to yell "Sit!", but .............

 

[Captain]

..... the pigs misheard him and .....

[turboplanner]

........dropped their loads just as the Lab arrived and skidded ............

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........dropped their loads just as the Lab arrived and skidded ............

.... on the pig sh......

[turboplanner]

...avings which even catch out experienced pig farmers a times because pig shavings slide so easily on concrete floors, which are sprayed and perfumed twice a day.

 

The pigs were were sliding faster than the Seskatchewan Blockers headed for a goal, and, by Newton's law of physics caught up and passed the enraged Labrador at the 40 metre mark.

 

Cappy now faced a serious mass of sliding bodies, one with teeth that could .................

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Cappy now faced a serious mass of sliding bodies, one with teeth that could .......

..... do considerable damage to his sack of cashews, and the others with tusks (respects to all Fleetwoods Macs past & present) that could .....