The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

.....long reach and ability to operate like Mossad, to take out offending leaders, who fail to deliver. Dan gulped. "He wouldn't dare! - not here in Australia! Besides, he couldn't penetrate my cordon of minders, they're in the dozens!"

 

"Never underestimate the ability of West Australians!", said Mark menacingly. "After all, we have all the gold, all the iron ore, and all the strategic minerals, on this side. Qld might have a bit of coal, but that's going out of fashion like last years haircut, too!"

 

Dan replied, "But we've got all the manufacturing and food production here! Plus we have all the biggest and best footballers, and the Mecca of football stadiums!"

 

"Football will get you nowhere when the chips are down and you haven't delivered!", said OT grimly. Just remember what happened to........

[turboplanner]

..........double tap, and Dan started to waver; it hd been a bad few months. He went back to his room and dialed Emergency.

"How may I help you Dan" asked Turbo "what tall building do I have to jump over for you this time"?, and the tears started to flow as Dan poured out his .............

[Captain]

..... stale bucket of .....

[turboplanner]

.....ice and refilled it for another bottle of Grange. That's the mode of the Victorian Superteam who've brought the population to a razor sharp pandemic-fighting Army, and if you are silly enough to be driving on NSW or Qld plates and stop at the border, as soon as you stop and wind the window down you'll  be hit in the ide of the head by six rubber bullets, five of the from Uptight Citizens as a reminder of the recents jibes and smartass comments before being turned around. Victorian officials have said about five times now "We won't be afraid to lock the border with NSW!!!!!" and apparently they're going to continue to say it, and ............

[onetrack]

......it won't be long before Victoria announces secession from the rest of Australia". Dan announced, "W.A. has tried to do it several times, but we over-rode them! But seeing as we have the numbers to pull it off, we will secede from the rest of Australia, and NSW and their people will become a foreign country, on a par and on a standing with Takijistan!"

 

Turbo was busily writing up the secession details when Ratty rang. "What's this rubbish about Victoria seceding and becoming an independent country?", he said.

 

"It's true! - and I'm writing up the legislative details for Dan as we speak. Because I have had so much experience on VCAT, he decided I was the best person to reject the whole of Australia! - as Civil and Administrative Tribunals are excellent at rejecting anything and everything put before them!"

 

"This is outrageous!", said Ratty. "Does this mean I'll now need a passport just to visit you?"

"Yes, you will", said Turbo. "In fact, you will not only need a passport, you will need proof you've been vaccinated, proof you don't have mange, proof you are not carrying any ticks or fleas, and that you're not an animal threatened with extinction!"

 

"Well the last bit is easy", said Ratty. "But the other requirements are just plain onerous and overbearing, and makes Victoria look like an extension of Jinpings rules and......

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

57 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"Well the last bit is easy", said Ratty. "But the other requirements are just plain onerous and overbearing, and makes Victoria look like an extension of Jinpings rules and......

...... that is pretty normal for the new Victorakong. But how will you pay your way?"

 

"No wuckers" responded Tubb "WA might have Iron Ore and a bit of gold, but we have VicPol."

 

"You're right, old friend." responded Ratso with great respect "As the quantum of bribes that VicPol can amass in a year far outweighs the foreign exchange earnings that Iron Ore and Gold exports bring into WA ............... and that doesn't even take into account the cash splash that came in from the Vatican (respects to all Popes, Bishops, Alter Boys and lay-Catholics past & present) for the payoffs associated with the Pell trial."

 

"Spot on Ratty, my dear friend and best ever mate, and don't forget that we also have ......

 

 

DISCLAIMER & RELEVANT BREAKING NEWS - TURBINE INDUSTRIES HAVE TODAY SUBMITTED AN OFFER TO PURCHASE THE VATICAN BANK. STAY TUNED.

 

 

Edited July 11, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

37 minutes ago, Captain said:

DISCLAIMER & RELEVANT BREAKING NEWS - TURBINE INDUSTRIES HAVE TODAY SUBMITTED AN OFFER TO PURCHASE THE VATICAN BANK. STAY TUNED.

FURTHER DISCLAIMER & NEW NEWS - IN AN ADDITIONAL FLANKING COMMERCIAL MOVE, AS WELL AS MAKING THE OFFER ON THE EUROPEAN BANKING MARKET, TI HAS TODAY UNVEILED A RELATED TACTIC IN CASE ITS OFFER FALLS SHORT.

 

TURBINE INDUSTRIES IS PLEASE TO ANNOUNCE THAT THEIR CHAIRMAN, TURBO, HAS SUBMITTED A 249D NOTICE & HAS DISCLOSED HIS ASSOCIATED CANDIDACY TO RUN FOR THE POSITION OF THE NEXT POPE ............ AS SOON AS HE CAN ARRANGE TO HAVE THIS ONE POISONED.

 

IN AN EXCLUSIVE STATEMENT, TURBO SAID "WE EXPECT SUCCESS, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN A CALATHUMPIAN ALL MY LIFE, BUT I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT (BLUESBROSREF) AND AM NOW READY TO LEARN .......... INCLUDING A CRASH COURSE ABOUT THE 23 STAGES OF THE CROSS".

 

AS TURBO IS ALSO ELECTIONEERING AT PRESENT TO BE THE NEXT AYATOLLAH OF IRAN, ALL NES READERS WILL, WE FEEL SURE, BE INTERESTED TO SEE HOW THIS ALL PLAYS OUT OVER COMING MONTHS.

 

"BEING SUCH A CLOSE MATE, AND KNOWING TURBO'S PERSONAL CAPABILITIES AS I DO, HE COULD EASILY DO BOTH JOBS" VOLUNTEERED RATTY.

Edited July 11, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......the belts and roads project, which we've saved by permanently ending the road to NSW and ACT at Wodonga, so that Scottish person can't interfere with it and after taking President XI on a loop around Victoria during his secret visit where he met Victorian children from the Catholic schools and asked them to get into the Bishops to ensure they voted for Turbo, by the time they reached Lakes entrance they'd decided to run the round around the beach to Tasmania and include that state in Western Victoria. "We'll take all the wheat you can grow, all the lamb and beef you can send, gold from your Gold Mi, robster, fish, Brugums, and Brow Col" 

To celebrate this, Turbo took a leaf out of Glays's book and organised a Gigantic No Mask Party to celebrate the deal. "We have to learn to live with Covid" he said, and living starts with business profits, but the following week...............

[Captain]

19 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......the belts and roads project, which we've saved by permanently ending the road to NSW and ACT at Wodonga, so that Scottish person can't interfere with it and after taking President XI on a loop around Victoria during his secret visit where he met Victorian children from the Catholic schools and asked them to get into the Bishops to ensure they voted for Turbo, by the time they reached Lakes entrance they'd decided to run the round around the beach to Tasmania and include that state in Western Victoria. "We'll take all the wheat you can grow, all the lamb and beef you can send, gold from your Gold Mi, robster, fish, Brugums, and Brow Col" 

To celebrate this, Turbo took a leaf out of Glays's book and organised a Gigantic No Mask Party to celebrate the deal. "We have to learn to live with Covid" he said, and living starts with business profits, but the following week...............

......... his minders came up with the same old stuff "We are all in this together" spoken in a preprepared advert by Russell Magpie, Brian Fawn, Hoges and Crint Westward, who had all just flown in on their private jets from India via Japan, where they had met with the Palacechook to do a quick $2 million promo for her Orympics bid and to watch Souths play Melbourne in a stadium with 50,000 people.

 

Turbo & the CT found the Covid double standards (CDS) really annoying, but they weren't too concerned, as the Turbine Whorehouses and Soup Kitchens Ltd (TWASKL) brothels are still operating .... maskless .... and the ..........

Edited July 12, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

Geeeeezzz NESers, my best mate Turbo is a goer.

 

As announced above about his present run for Pope and his parallel preparations to run for the Iranian Ayatollahship (which both require the incumbent to cark it).

 

[Those preparations include getting new outfits designed so that both roles will look the same and he therefore won't have to get changed between gigs.]

 

But there is more ........ as I have just now been advised by my other close mate, Rupert Murdock, that Turbo has purchased Channel 143 on Foxtel and has named it after himself (Tubb is a great bloke but is also an egomaniac).

 

Turbo is now a celebrity that is known globally.

Edited July 12, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.............Cat Farms were breaking all records, guaranteeing delivery of a delightful hot curry mystery meal to anyone living in a lockdown area for a flat price of $6/serve, by removing the limits on the Rat reproduction level at the Farms.

The meals can be a little late because the delivery trucks don't leave the farms until they have 2,000 hot meals ordered and paid for, a system invented by the Chinese, and perfected .................

 

[Turbo has become so popular that car manufacturers are capitalising on his success by bringing out "Turbocharged" car models]

 

[Captain]

23 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The meals can be a little late because the delivery trucks don't leave the farms until they have 2,000 hot meals ordered and paid for, a system invented by the Chinese, and perfected .................

..... almost immediately by the ......

 

23 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

[Turbo has become so popular that car manufacturers are capitalising on his success by bringing out "Turbocharged" car models] .....

.... for which Turbine Industries receives a royalty on a car by car basis. This resulted in Mercedes and Kawasaki both opting for Supercharging in order to save costs. TI are contemplating court action as they think that Turbo is a "super" individual, so this will ultimately be licensable too. 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....by the North Koreans, who specialise in feeding 5000 people with no more than 2 cats and 5 chapatis as the basis of the 5000 feeds.

 

However, there came the day when there was a shortfall in deliveries, because Turbo insisted on employing Indians for food delivery drivers - and as we all well know, Indians can never find the correct address when they have a delivery to do.

This led to major revolt from about 1000 starving customers, who made the phone lines run hot at Turbo Soup Kitchens, wanting to know where their mystery curries were - as their exact whereabouts, truly was a mystery.

 

OT heard the rumbles of discontent from W.A. and called up Turbo, who was starting to tear his hair out over the non-delivery of so many of his mystery meals (the reason he's a little thin on top today).

"Turbo, ol' mate, ol' buddy!", said OT. "I hear you're having problems with the smooth running of your new food business! You really need someone to take over the management of that, someone with real food business skills and experience - and I reckon I know just who that bloke is!"

 

"Give me his number!" exclaimed Turbo in exasperation. "First off, I need to sack about a 1000 Indians, then I need to.......

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

42 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"Give me his number!" exclaimed Turbo in exasperation. "First off, I need to sack about a 1000 Indians, then I need to.......

.............. actually rethink that, as this is exactly what General Custer said just before the Little Bighorn, and look what ......

 

THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN GENERAL GEORGE AND POPE/AYATOLLAH TURBO IS STRIKING.

Edited July 12, 2021 by Captain

[CT9000]

.....happened when he failed to decentralize his operation.     look why not ring Glad Bricklayer to partner up an outpost delivery service in NSW then call Annie Piano player to organize one in QLD  ? ........

[onetrack]

.....and the one in Qld could actually cover the N.T. as well! But when Turbo rang up Gladys Beserklian and Annastasia PalaceChook, he got a sharp rebuff from both.

 

Gladys said, "We're not getting involved in the delivery of mystery curries! It's bad enough that we've got stuck with trying to deliver mystery vaccines! They're just as big a mystery, as Turbos Soup Kitchen food - because no-one knows what they're getting, no-one knows when they're getting it - and it's a complete mystery where the vaccines actually are!"

 

"I'm not getting any!" interrupted Cappy. "We are actually talking about curries and vaccines here!", remonstrated Turbo. "It's all about the delivery!"

 

"That's what every comedian tells me!" snorted OT. "What you really need is aerial delivery! (long overdue avref). And to do fast aerial deliveries, you need a big group of drones!"

 

"I've got them right here", said Annastasia. "They're called the Qld Public Service! But I'm not sure how they'd go on food deliveries, they'd probably say it wasn't on their job description, and......

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

9 hours ago, onetrack said:

"I've got them right here", said Annastasia. "They're called the Qld Public Service! But I'm not sure how they'd go on food deliveries, they'd probably say it wasn't on their job description, and......

...... the entire effort dragged to a halt.

 

"HAVE NO FEAR' TURBO IS HERE" then appeared on 20,000 roadside signs throughout OZ ... and even WA was included as honorary Aussies (respects to all Afrikaaners porst and prezent).

 

Because "Turbine Vaccines and Potions Pty Ltd" has developed a new jab and all that this procedure needs is to abide by a new protocol that requires all of the vaccinate-ees who are of the female gender to take off their clothes (NTTIAWWTBTW).

 

"It's a "protocol" for goodness sake, so it must be correct" said a Chief Health Officer.

 

"Hang on there" intervened Turbs "Not you Asus-tazya and you can give that protocol a miss too Glad, but when it comes to .........

 

 

HOW COME ALL OF THE STATE CHIEF HEALTH OFFICERS LOOKS THE SAME?

AND WHY CAN'T THEY AFFORD TO GET THEIR HAIR STYLED ............... OR TO SHAVE?

 

 

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

That should have read ............ "Hang on there" intervened Turbs "Not you Anus-tazya and you can give that protocol a miss too Glad, but when it comes to .........

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

"......protocols, Cappy takes the cake every morning as he gets ready to drive to work every morning in his 1962 Hillman Minx. First ....................

[onetrack]

....the important protocol involves pulling the crank handle out of the boot (because all '62 Hillman Minxes came with a crankhandle), inserting it into the crank handle hole, then turning to the correct compass bearing, so he exactly faces Ryton-on-Dunsmore.

 

Once aligned with Ryton-on-Dunsmore, Cappy kneels in front of the Hillman, and prays multiple prayers to the metallic-bodied Gods of Rootes, beseeching them to look on him favourably, when he attempts to start the Hillman, using the crank handle.

 

He uses the crank handle, because it is protocol that all British cars of the 1950's and 1960's be started with a crank handle. This is to protect and save the fragile Lucas electrics from emitting Smoke - as everyone knows, once the factory-contained Smoke is lost from Lucas electrics, it requires the car owner to go buy more Lucas Smoke.

 

As Cappy is known to be frugal with his money, thanks to his Scottish ancestry, he prefers not to spend his money on what he regards as useless things - such as Lucas Smoke.

 

As a result of having lost the contained Smoke from the Hillmans Lucas electrics quite some time ago, (as a direct result of trying to drive too far in the dark), Cappy now has to resort to the crank handle protocol, which leaves him with.......

 

(and here we have a photo of Lucas Smoke, for those who have little knowledge of British Electrical Things) ...

[turboplanner]

..............a problem because he's never been sure of what a crank handle is, and the early dementia means that even when he is shown the correct protocol he's forgotten it by the time he has to start the car again, so he usually parks it on a hill and is a whizz at roll starts.

 

Once he asked an old Afghan camel driver what a crank handle was. The old Afghan wasn't sure himself, but said "You just grab it................."

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Once he asked an old Afghan camel driver what a crank handle was. The old Afghan wasn't sure himself, but said "You just grab it................."

..... and insert it into a hole in the front of the Hillman. Here, mate, let me demonstrate it on the back of this camel, so hold his tail up a bit" at which time the camel ...........

 

13 hours ago, onetrack said:

inserting it into the crank handle hole, then turning to the correct compass bearing, 

This reminded your beloved Captain of an article in a 1954 edition of "Speedway News" where Turbo was well known for starting practice at each of his Speedway meetings going the wrong way around the track. He would then be given a good thumping by the other drivers down between the dunny and the control tower. "It was never my fault" Turbo was reported as saying each time "It's just that it's always been confusing about whether Speedway goes Clockwise (SGC) or does it go anti-clockwise (SGA) and I still get it wrong even when I use that famous speedway acronym and the even more famous mnemonic ........... but I can't remember which is which .......... so it was always easier to just let the other drivers beat it into me.

Edited July 13, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........demonstrated not only the method of using a crank handle, but provided safety message, years before the OHS era, by showing the dangers of a backfire.

 

As Cappy, draped over a nearby Mulga tree ruefully wiped his face with his hanky, he resolved to tie a note around his right thumb next time. At least then ....................................

 

Older NES readers will note from the above workshop, the Fast Moving Part which was the biggest volume seller Repco every Retailed.

 

Not many people know that Joseph Lucas was a comedian with a quirky sense of humour that saw men achieve greatness in business to the point at which they were earning enough to buy a Jaguar at which point they came in contact with Sir William Lyons who started Jaguar, but who was also a comedian, and his longest running joke was not only putting one of Joe Lucases fuel pumps, the forerunner of the fart cushion, into the new Jaguar but locating it in the front of the boot, so that when, late at night on a long holiday trip, the inevitable happened and the contacts burnt out, the driver had to unload the wife's suitcases in the rain. Pity help him if had also forgotten to bring his Part No 530433 (they all knew the P/N by heart.) 

 

Also shown in OT's photo is a product by another comedian Billy Morris who not only fitted Joe's fuel pump, but a gearbox by a comedian who never mde it to the big time, but talked Billy into it because second gear required replacement quarterly. "not only" he said "will you make more profit selling the car, but you'll have a guaranteed income for life."

 

 

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........demonstrated not only the method of using a crank handle, but provided safety message, years before the OHS era, by showing the dangers of a backfire.

 

As Cappy, draped over a nearby Mulga tree ruefully wiped his face with his hanky, he resolved to tie a note around his right thumb next time. At least then .......

...... he would read the note which contained the acronym/mnemonic "DNSACHUACA" and therefore always remember to lower the landing gear on final (importantavref), but also "Do Not Stick A Crank Handle Up A Camel's Ar.........

Edited July 14, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

......mpit. Which is very good advice, if you don't wish to be on the receiving end of a large camel foot in the face (and did you know camels can kick out in any direction, easily? - unlike cattle and horses, who can only kick out rearwards. OT's father just happened to own a camel team, which means OT knows mostly all there is to know, about camels. Just waving a crank handle near a camel is a foolhardy thing to do, but we all know Cappy is pretty gung-ho).

 

Meantimes, the team of Turbine Aviation, Vaccine, Cat Supply, Food Delivery, and Curry Production Industries, (TAVCSFDCPI) were all very busy in their surplus spare time during the lockdown, driven by Turbo to produce a new aviation product, that was green, had low energy requirements, used minimal manufactured products in its construction, could travel at great height (to Outer Space, even), and could circle the Earth if needed, in just a few days.

 

Turbo had seen the recent news of another squillionaire being sent into the edge of Outer Space, and he was jealous. But he needed to develop something that didn't involve rockets, as rockets have a nasty tendency to go, "BANG!", right at the wrong moment - or to fall back to Earth, before they could get high enough to get out of the effects of Gravity.

 

It's not well known, but Turbo has long had a deep-seated fear of rockets, ever since that fateful Guy Fawkes bonfire night on Nov 5, 1955, when a large rocket accidentally exploded right next to him, and he sh......

 

 

 

 

 

(And dear NES readers, here we have the TAVCSFDCPI teams, initial commendable design result, which is based on tried and true, proven principles. The product decoration was provided by another of Turbine Industries companies, which specialises in flowery and artistic designs, based on art works of the 16th Century......)

 

 

 

 

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Edited July 15, 2021 by onetrack