The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.....the Mayor of Darraweit Guimm, Sir Lancelot Lox.

Lance threw his torch ..............

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....the Mayor of Darraweit Guimm, Sir Lancelot Lox.

Lance threw his torch ..............

........ into the air and said "F........

 

LANCE'S TORCH WAS THE REAL THING (A FIREY'S WET DREAM)

AND NOT SOME POXY NEW HIGH-TECH LED THINGY.

Edited July 26, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..............FREEDOM!, FREEDOM!

His mind had gone back to the days of his great great grandfather, Sir Arthur Lox  who was the Armourer and Lock Maker for William Wallace Turbine in those great days of Scottish History.

Sir Arthur known as Art to the women of the village moonlighted making Chastity Belts for them. At one stage he was the only one ....................

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Sir Arthur known as Art to the women of the village moonlighted making Chastity Belts for them. At one stage he was the only one ...........

........ that needed to wear one, as he had not yet "Maid his maiden flight" (avref) so to speak, apart from when he had previously gone solo.

 

"Art's Chastity Belts" (ACBs) were so popular & widely used that Tubb looked at amalgamating them into Turbine Sexual Products Inc (TSPI), but he then became aware of ..........

 

EXAMPLES OF SOME OF ART'S HANDYWORK

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....copycats who were................

[Captain]

...... making copies for cats, and let me tell you, the moggies didn't go much on the fact that they had to put their ........

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....tails through the chastity belts and then have the straps tightened around their middles. In fact, it was like trying to bath cats - and the copycats soon went out of business as they couldn't find enough employees willing to handle scratching, fighting, biting cats.

 

But Turbo, being an experienced manager of cats - and rats - from way back, when he was instrumental in starting up Victoristans main Cat Farm, felt that there was some mileage in the idea of cat chastity belts, an item that must appeal to the groups such as PETA, Cat Lovers, Cat .......

[CT9000]

......education programs. the latest of which is a process to teach cats to hold their breath. But first you need to buy the education kit which consists of a bucket to be filled with water and comes with full length leather welding gloves.........

[turboplanner]

........but Turbo reassured him that wouldn't be necessary. 

Not many people know that Turbo was the model for the highly successful movie The Horse Whisperer; in their search for an actor they were lucky to find a look alike in Robert Redford, but the script was altered substantially for pc reasons.

Turbo trained every new batch of cats with a .410 shotgun. By Cat No 6 they invariably could carry out instructions, no matter how complicate or .....................

 

 

[onetrack]

.....convoluted the instructions were. The overwhelming success of this programme led Turbo to acquire the nickname of the Cat Whisperer - because of his technique of grabbing a cat by the scruff of its neck, and whispering softly into its ear, "If you don't do exactly what I say, pussycat, you'll be turned into a floor rug".

 

The national acclaim that raised Turbo to daily prominence in the local media didn't go unnoticed in those countries large with cat numbers - especially Japan, where cats are held in high esteem, and where they even have their own island. So the people of Cat Island got in touch with Turbo, and asked him if he would like to..........

[CT9000]

.......train their cats. Although he got a few side ways glances when he refered to the cats as furry little bags of dim simms......

[Captain]

1 hour ago, CT9000 said:

.......train their cats. Although he got a few side ways glances when he refered to the cats as furry little bags of dim simms......

........ who was very offended.

 

"I'm not dim" said Simsy who was Turbo's chief cat trainer and he was very good at it, because soon, the "Simsy & Turbine Performing Cat Show" (S&TPCS) was headlining at Japan's equivalent of Disney World, with franchises playing in Vegas and in 25 other countries, including as headlining  in the "Cirque du P'usse".

 

The S&TPCS went down particularly well in China and in French Polynesia, where the cats also went down throats and where the highly trained moggies were ......

 

THE CAT BAND WERE A HUGE DRAWCARD

 

 

SIMSY SHOWN IN AN EARLY PROMO POSTER

 

 

ONE OF SIMSY'S NUMEROUS TRAINED CATS IN THEIR WORLD

FAMOUS "SLEEPING BEAUTY AND THE 7 DWARF RATS" PERFORMANCE.

A CROWD FAVOURITE.

Edited July 28, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

45 minutes ago, Captain said:

 

........very aware of this, and ended their show with a mini-cat version of Sound of Music. As the final "Adieu" started, each cat that stepped off the stage raced for the Cat Door in Tubo's Hummer, safe from any knives and forks.

 

Turbo and Simsy (on which the Hollywood film Lilo and Stitch is based) are grateful for Cappy's thoughtful collage of photos from the Cat performance.

 

Simsy has already started writing a Stage Musical called ........."Cats", and .............

[Captain]

32 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Simsy has already started writing a Stage Musical called ........."Cats", and .........

..... this attracted considerable attention from Andrew Lloyd Webber, who called Simsy.

 

"Is that you Andy?" answered Simsy who had Andy's number on speed-dial. "I was just talking to our common mate Dave-oh, who is filming just north of here at DG. You should consider including the massacre, at DG & the 5 Blessed Rivulets, as a key location in one of your musicals, but you might find trouble getting anything to rhyme with it. But I digress, old mate, so what can I do for you Andy?"

 

"Thanks for the tipoff, Simsy old mate, and I'll give Dave-ohh a tingle when we finish here, to catch up on what he has been up to. BTW, he sent me an sms the other day suggesting that I write a new musical titled "Wombats", so it'll be a pretty interesting chat."

 

"Don't you, you, you, worry about that" replied Simsy sounding just like Jo talking to the ABC "As I have already registered that name and have started recruiting for the lead role of ......

Edited July 28, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

As a coup for NES readers, Simsy has provided the following teaser which shows one of his future hit songs from "Wombats".

 

"Mr. Mistopholees the Grass Strip Wombat" is expected to be the star of the musical and below is a photo of one of the initial costumes for MMtGSW. It is fortunate for the production values & costs that Wombats look so feline in real life.

 

BABS STREISAND IS SET FOR A SCREEN TEST AS PART OF HER COMEBACK,

BUT PINK IS ALSO IN THE RUNNING, AND SO IS LINDA LOVELACE.

Edited July 28, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....Jerry - who is, of course, a Tomcat. But there's been pressure from Warner Bros to drop my new show, where cats are used when there's not enough available wombats. Besides, the wombats are pretty slow on stage and they have a nasty tendency to dig large holes in the stage, and then disappear down them. That doesn't do anything for the quality of the performance, and we tend to get a lot more 'Boo's' from the audience if we use too many wombats.

 

But getting back to Warner Bros, I need some advice now. I've never had such a big global corporation trying to pressure me like this, and I need some serious level of legal support, and how to go about knocking the wind out of Warner Bros sails. I've got another mate recommending some dubious legal bunch called 'Turbine Whine & Dyne Legal', and I'm not finding any good reports on this........

[Captain]

29 minutes ago, onetrack said:

I've got another mate recommending some dubious legal bunch called 'Turbine Whine & Dyne Legal', and I'm not finding any good reports on this........

...... bunch of losers, as the last data that I have is that they represented the Coyote in his action against ACME Anvils and they lost in such a way that the RoadRunners was ..........

[turboplanner]

..........celebrating with buckets of champagne when the Judge called him back to query a missing page from his testimony. It was his criminal record. Speeding, speeding, assault Coyote with brick, speeding, failure to give way, assault Coyote with dynamite, assault Coyote with shotgun to face, and so it went on.

"You must have missed this page" said the Judge to Roadrunner, and not only am I finding for Coyote, but I 'm fining you for being drunk in the Courtroom. The TWDL team smiled and they walked with Coyote down the road to Hooters to celebrate with ........

[Captain]

22 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The TWDL team smiled and they walked with Coyote down the road to Hooters to celebrate with ........

......... a young and well endowed waitress who looked like a cross between Olive Oil, Sheena of the Jungle, the Tazzy Devil and .......

 

Edited July 28, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....was looking for a hunk like Cappy, who had just ..........

[Captain]

........ become available again as a sex object, after he announced that the rash had finally cleared up & that he was now fully vaccinated, although .......

Edited July 28, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

......he still had some serious lingering erectile problems. "Yah", said the Hooters waitress, "Ya'll must know I jest lurve hunky Oztralian men! - but I ain't found one yet, that can keep up with me! And this one here, sure looks laik he's 'past his prime', y'all know?!"

 

Cappy looked deflated. Another rejection was getting hard to take. He needed something to make him look less aged, and more attractive to the young wimmen. Suddenly, he remembered - his pilots uniform!!

 

He raked through his wardrobe until he found his rather dusty, and a little moth-eaten uniform. But the gold on the epaulettes still sparkled, and this would surely be his ticket to once again having gorgeous pieces of fluff hanging off his arms!

He dragged the uniform off the coat hanger and tried it on, to see if if still fitted. Uh-oh, the pants were now difficult to do up! Surely he hadn't expanded that much around the middle!

 

He'd have to see his tailor! And he jumped in the Hillman Minx, cranked it up, and took off up the road in a cloud of blue smoke, dreaming about where this newly-adjusted uniform would.........

[Captain]

.... take their breath away again, just like that time when he won .....

[CT9000]

.......the starting race which required the contestants to start the old Vanguard six with the "stirring stick" {motoring ref}.......

[Captain]

5 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

.......the starting race which required the contestants to start the old Vanguard six with the "stirring stick" {motoring ref}.......

...... a prayer (religionref), a .......