The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

35 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

.......shoulder rocket launcher test program where the bullet proof vest wearers { testers } were getting progressively harder to find......

.... particularly after the rocket launchers exploded.

 

But bull was made of sterner stuff, and in his effort to aid the Aussie defensive preparations against China, he decided to fully evaluated then test the comparative codpiece designs being promoted by both Tinky Wink and the UniRoute, and to then make a ...... 

 

THE SPECIAL COD-PIECE BEING PREPARED FOR bULL AFTER HIS FITTING

(NOTE THE POLISHED CAT AND KOMATSU COMPENENTS)

Edited November 9, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

THE STONEFISH 2000 THROWING COMPANY PTY Ltd is pleased to report that 250 Stonefish have been successfully tested through the below converted Tennis Ball throwing machine, reaching speeds of 250 kph and with an accuracy of 3 MOA. The next stage will involve our brave volunteer from the South Island and updates will be provided through ASX Announcements and in the popular press.

 

[Captain]

THE BELOW PHOTO SHOWS STEPHEN THE STONEFISH, IN THE CENTRE, WHEN BACK

IN THE WATER AND TELLING HIS MATES ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE GOING THRU THE

ROLLERS AND ACCELERATING IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND TO 250 KPH.

"AND NOT A SINGLE CCP SAS MEMBER'S MEMBER IN SIGHT AT THE TIME" HE ADDED.

YOU CAN SEE THAT STEVE LOST A BIT OF BARK WHEN THE ROLLERS GOT HOLD OF HIM,

NOT TO MENTION WHEN HE HIT THE WALL JUST PAST WHERE bULL WILL BE STANDING.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Captain

[CT9000]

.....but even though a bit knocked about the suffering was still less than being hit by the bits of exploding ford 272 Y block engine. The fact is that even though it was actually a late model Customline star model 292 engine, those old Y blocks don't take kindly to super chargers. The hot oil mixed with bits of cast iron would be a bit hard on even the toughest stonefish......

[turboplanner]

............and that proved to be the solution; the CCP bought a stack of Y blocks from Cuba, knocked out the Stonefish, and embarked their CCP SAS troups safey on to a CCP sub waiting offshore.

 

This wasn't a French Sub which could operate successfully without mechanical failures and was fitted with all the 1964 state of the art gizmos; this sub was built in china, and the outer sections of the planes bent up when you were climbing and down when you were diving, the torpedo tubes were too big for the torpedos and shot them of at an angle, skinning thousands of stonefish and drawing threats from WWF, The controls had confusing labels like "When want the start press buoton three time maybe flash long red and brue it speak horsepower start" and there were three vital and unique bolts missing. The sub was going nowhere, and Cappy, OT, CT, and Turbo got the Corsairs out and loaded 500 lb bombs (bull only flew ultralights), and headed ...................

[turboplanner]

..........but the smooth flow of the NES story was interrupted by the shock announcement from Glasgow of the secret deal between China and the USA to drastically cut CO2 emissions.

 

In particular, and the part to shock NES readers is the announcement by XI Zhenhua (pronounced Walkington) that he had been secretly meeting with US envoy John Kerry for months when they announced at the COP21 conference a deal to shaft France and Australia in general to get to zero emissions.

 

"Orstralians always advertising fart larmbs and fart kittle, he explained so we both decide to ban Orstralia unless they shoot larmbs and kittle.

 

"Of course we not buy orstralian whit any more because we not eating whit anymore we eating Maccas.

 

"Most of all we ban urtrarights because they emit big CO2 from smocking engine and pirot farting."

 

Your correspondent has found that John Kerry didn't know about the Ultralights, and Xie had been holidaying in Queensland when someone buzzed him on a beach in a drifter.

 

Kerry had put in an urgent call, but XIE was firm, they had to go, expeciary the big ones. Cappy had sold his Jab in the Nick of time, bull would be walking, but Turbo with his Challenger was OK.

 

The ten thousand members of RAA (9800 of them refugees from GA who had been waiting for the 760 kg MTOW to bring their Cessnas and Pipers across due to blindness, artificial hearts, and sh!t like that were .........

 

[bull]

23 hours ago, CT9000 said:

.......shoulder rocket launcher test program where the bullet proof vest wearers { testers } were getting progressively harder to find......

...and this was beside the fact the GBRMPA custodians [owners] of all things that swim and sting at stonefish bay lodged a criminal investigation into the shooting of a protected species[ out of a cannon causeing fatal injuries to the fish apon impact. Now this got the attention of the local greenies and animal lovers and it was ...................

[Captain]

54 minutes ago, bull said:

Now this got the attention of the local greenies and animal lovers and it was ...........

...... all put down to Climate Change.

 

Cappy has responded to bull's post as Cappy has made the same mistake in the past by missing the fact that a new page has clicked over. Cappy has put in a registered complaint to Eeeeeaaannn about that, and the 15 minute edit limit, as Cappy can't complete anything in 15 minutes any more.

 

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

The ten thousand members of RAA (9800 of them refugees from GA who had been waiting for the 760 kg MTOW to bring their Cessnas and Pipers across due to blindness, artificial hearts, and sh!t like that were .......

..... therefore keen to get a whizzbang negotiator like Johnny Kerry & his private jet, to take up their weight fight with CASA and the NTSB (always remember that the AUF are lurking), to go directly to a 1,200 kgs limit (+ or - 20% so that members could still have the fun of cheating a little) and get rid of that word "Ultra". The AUF had already taken the 1st steps and registered the name and initials of the ALF and has ......

Edited November 10, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

7 hours ago, Captain said:

to go directly to a 1,200 kgs limit (+ or - 20% so that members could still have the fun of cheating a little) and get rid of that word "Ultra". The AUF had already taken the 1st steps and registered the name and initials of the ALF

The word must be out, well and truly, that the weight is about to be upped way past 1,200 kgs, as the latest version of the Honda Jet has been marketed by Turbine Aviation as compliant with the impending ALF Rules & will be single pilot dual turbine endorsed via an automatic, no check-ride, no BFR bit of paper. As a result, numerous owners of Thrusters have confirmed their orders with deposits paid, and are lengthening the strips on their 5 acres.

 

Note the colour scheme below, which has been specifically designed by TA to provide familiarity to Thruster blue-head owners. There is even a 2-stroke oil stain that has been painted onto the rear of the fuselage.

 

Edited November 11, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....developed plans for a new logo, new stationery (complete with a jet outline logo), and new flying rules. Unfortunately, the 45kt stall speed requirement has been overlooked in the new plans, and Honda engineers are now desperately scrambling to try and reduce the HondaJet stall speed from 106kts down to 45kts. This will involve a major increase in the size of the speedbrakes and the fitment of a huge drag 'chute. Early testing is proving fruitful and Honda engineers are confident that they can get the HondaJet to meet the ALF stall speed requirements. Nobura Yonda, a chief engineer at Honda is reported as saying, "It rill only take some additional time, and the expenditure of around 27.9 trillion yen, and we will then have met......

[turboplanner]

.......ALF compliance. 

Not many people know that Turbo was, and still is a goto Aeronautical Engineer for companies like Boeing and Airbus Industrie. It was Turbo who solved the safety issue with the Boeing Dreamliner breaking up on forced landings by designing the equivalent of a tournique around the fuselage, which cause it to snap neatly in two rather than break up into little pieces.

 

Turbo adapted the Honda reverse trust system to blow air over the wings during the landing, so while the pitot tube in the nose recorded an airspeed of 44.9 kts, the SSHLS (Slow Speed Honda Landing System) was blowing air over the wings at 120 kts. Better still, in a secret deal brokered by Turbine Design's Purchasing Vice President, John Kerry, it was built by a Chinese manufacturer for US$10.56, and ...............

 

[Captain]

...... would last just 3 Takeoffs and Landings (duoofavrefs) after the warranty period.

 

Turbo. the Go-To Aeronautic Engineer (G-TAE), was particularly pleased with the fact that he had pulled the SSHLS out of his XXXX back pocket, as he had copped a lot of flack about his wing (avref) mounted nacelles (avref), so with the SSHLS proving its worth he was able to slip in an additional invoice for "Knowhow", which he had previously invoiced under the terms "Guesswork" and for "Punts" ......... however that latter term had caused a bit of a problem because the Honda beancounters had mistranslated it and thought that he was calling them a bunch of .....

Edited November 11, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

....Runts - which caused great consternation amongst the Honda executives when the translation was carried out.

 

"Ahhhh, so!", said Yakai Sonda, a close relative of Nobura Yonda. "If this is what Ostlalians think of us clever Japanese, that is a slap in the face! They think we know f***-nothing! Very soon, we show them! - we will show them we know f***-all!!"

 

Turbo was totally unaware of the major international political upset he had created, and he went on happily, offering his services to..........

[Captain]

23 minutes ago, onetrack said:

They think we know f***-nothing!

NY must have a pretty crappy translation App as he is missing a ' and one *.

 

23 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Turbo was totally unaware of the major international political upset he had created, and he went on happily, offering his services to........

....... Sikorski and Nanchang, even during these times of heightened international tensions, as one of Turbo's personality traits which makes him such a delightful companion, bon-vivant and best mate for almost 50 years, is that he is blissfully unaware of a lot of things, but particularly his tendency to be .......

Edited November 12, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....loose with his bowel gas in front of important people - something that he is nearly always completely unaware of. 

 

"You just let rip with a Force 9 fart in front of the French chargé d'affaires!!" exclaimed Cappy in horror. 

 

"Did I?", replied Turbo with an absent-minded look on his face. "I'm sorry, I wasn't really taking a lot of notice, as to whether I was letting off or not - and anyway, who cares? The Queen's been known to let one rip, and blame it on the horses! Besides, it was just done in front of a minor Froggy diplomat, and they can cop a fart or two, for abusing us over the subs contract cancellation!"

 

"When I let rip, I was actually planning my next move to cut the ground from under Airbus, with regard to the now-increasing demand for aircraft and flights. I have this plan to ensure that Airbus gets nowhere, when it comes to......

 

 

And here, Dear NES readers, we have a photo of Turbo practising for the World Farting Championship, complete with afterburner (avref) .....

 

 

[Captain]

The Jedi feels the need to bring the last post by the UniRoute back into an aviation (avref) context, as the photo posted by the OneRoot reminds Cappy of his time flying transports for the CIA when the rebels would have a potshot or 2 and he needed to get out of the jungle quick-stix. I hope that NESers can appreciate the similarity between OT's above photo of Turbo (seen there after his extreme weight-loss program had been completed) and Cappy pulling the yoke (avref) back in the below photo, (photo taken by the Sandonistas with an Instamatic, when they were yelling "We curse & salute you, brave Captain" but in Spanish.

 

Cappy is so glad, now, that he kept the Herc, bullet holes and all, as a

souvenir (but it needs a bit of work).

Edited November 13, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

[Turbo deeply apologises for any offence the above photo may have caused to NES readers; he was sitting the the left rear seat, and unfortuately had eaten a bad oyster in Dubai]

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

[Turbo deeply apologises for any offence the above photo may have caused to NES readers; he was sitting the the left rear seat, and unfortuately had eaten a bad oyster in Dubai]

... and as everyone learnt from the time that we both spent protecting each other's backs in the jungle with the CIA (hence our enduring 1/2 century long friendship), never get near the south end of Turbo after a bad oyster, a manky bit of capybara or even a few maggots in some chicken .......... and that is the unfortunate origin of his nickname "Turbo", as once the flames started at the exit, it wasn't long before the ........

[onetrack]

....matching roar that sounds like a JATO-assist C130 takeoff is coming. Just as the clap of thunder is right behind the lightning flash, and you get some warning - the flash of flame from Turbo's rear end is enough warning to start running, before your eardrums suffer serious damage.

 

It's a little-known fact, that during one of Turbo's stints in the J, that Turbo was personally responsible for starting a recalcitrant Wright R-3350-89A in a Fairchild C-119F that had just dropped fresh troops off, and was preparing to depart.

 

The R-3350 cranked and cranked, but refused to start. It needed some assistance, so Turbo was called on to fart into the intake. No sooner had he let a monster bum-cheek-rumbler go into the intake, the R-3350 fired up like it had received the entire contents of a can of "Start-ya-bastard", and the crew gave the thumbs-up, and prepared to depart rapidly before the enemy started to mortar them.

 

The word got around about Turbo's amazing gas-production ability, and soon he was in demand for........

 

 

 

Edited November 14, 2021 by onetrack

[Captain]

15 hours ago, onetrack said:

The word got around about Turbo's amazing gas-production ability, and soon he was in demand for.......

...... the production of the contents of the new "Turbine SuperCheap" chain for their "Fart-ya-Bastard" product, which is part of their "*****-ya-Bastard" product line, however F-y-B failed in the market because women wouldn't buy it, so they took the easy way out and purchased Trackbine's very successful "Start-ya-Bastard" subsidiary and thereafter used that name.

 

But latest news is that "Turbine Petrochemical Corp" have discovered a way to convert Methane into Hydrogen in an endothermic reaction (it's just a shame that is had to start with Turbo's "endo") and that Hydrogen will be available to cars/ motorcycles  at a cheap commercial rate that is cheaper than petrol, and to AUF Flyers (avref) at a cheap (avref) concessional rate, so all TPC needs to make that happen is a Gov't Research Grant of $15 million (so just a little bit more than the Twigster's) and they will ..... 

 

SOME OF THE OTHER PRODUCTS

 

 

TURBS DURING HIS TIME IN THE SPACE PROGRAM

AFTER BEING IN THE JUNGLE WITH THE CIA AND CAPPY.

Edited November 15, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

19 hours ago, Captain said:

and they will .....

....... Dear Reader, witness the decline of the NES to a sad position where .....

[turboplanner]

.......Turbo's name was submitted to the Glasgow COP26 conference as a threat equal to coal to the evils of global warming by the ex-president of Kirribati who had a name for pulling stunts at these conferences, his 2005 effort being to claim they had bought an island from New Zealand becaise their own was sinking, but it didn't sink and he was kicked out and these days moonlights as a Rapper, having been trained at LocksNuthing school of go go dancers. It was a long ............

[bull]

and bumpy road for the NES and now we have a mole amongst us,,,,,,,a petition was started to employ Sargeant Doubtfire to persue the offending member who is reporting posts from the sacred NES and has broken the secret code of members and whoever it is  should be.............

Edited November 15, 2021 by bull

[Captain]

10 minutes ago, bull said:

and bumpy road for the NES and now we have a mole amongst us,,,,,,,a petition was started to employ Sargeant Doubtfire to persue the offending member who is reporting posts from the sacred NES and has broken the secret code of members and whoever it is  should be.............

.... made to do a Bart Simpson and write out 200 times "I will mention Turbo's name in every post". (Although his castigation in Glasgow was certainly justified do to his involvement in the last bushfires)

 

This really .....

Edited November 15, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........made the people wonder why Cappy would say such a thing, and people began to whisper that perhaps he had done it to shift suspicion off .................