The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

.....arrived looking like aircraft from the Air Zimbabwe fleet. However, once the boys from Lou's Smash & Carbon Fibre Bogging Repairs Pty Ltd turned up with drums and drums of bog and hundreds of litres of Supercheap acrylic enamel, and set to work, the transformation was simply amazing! 

 

"I can't believe what a difference a bit of a sand back, a few kgs of fibreglass bog, a few dozen cans of etch primer and spray filler, and a coat of Supercheap acrylic enamel can do to a POS of an A350!", exclaimed the airport manager. This 'show-and-shine' will have the effect of boosting tourism to Tassie more than anything we've done in the last 40 years!"

 

However, there was a dark side to the repairs by Lou's Smash & Carbon Fibre Bogging Repairs Pty Ltd. Lou only guaranteed his workmanship when it was carried out under his direct supervision in his workshop. As no A350 could ever fit in his 150 sq m workshop, his guarantee was worthless - but the aircraft owners were only going to find that out, when........

[Captain]

29 minutes ago, onetrack said:

However, there was a dark side to the repairs by Lou's Smash & Carbon Fibre Bogging Repairs Pty Ltd. Lou only guaranteed his workmanship when it was carried out under his direct supervision in his workshop. As no A350 could ever fit in his 150 sq m workshop, his guarantee was worthless - but the aircraft owners were only going to find that out, when........

..... they noticed how dyslexic Lou's signwriter was, as the 1st of the repaired aircraft was shown with the 20 ft high big fat letters ...... RATAQ followed by 5 ft high letters "S'uol yb nettirwngis" in Arabic script (so double backwards).

 

The boss at Qatar, who was already xxxxed off, having had to fly (avref) hundreds of aircraft to Tasmania (which does not appear on any maps or GPSs in the UAE ... so they had to just fly around looking for it after they hit Antarctica & somebody said that it is between NZ and South Africa) ..... so that meant .......

 

THE NAME LOOKED CORRECT WHEN LOOKED AT IN A MIRROR

LIKE THIS. (NOTE THE BIT WHICH SAYS "SIGNWRITTEN BY LOU'S")

(avref)

Edited February 8, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......complaints from the Captains about the long flights and nearly running out of fuel looking for a speck in the ocean.

Finally in frustration the Scheduling Manager yelled "XXXX you!, if you didn't scratch the paint and put dents in the aircraft all trying to be XXXXXXX first into the parking bays we wouldn't have a problem, and anyway thousands of XXXXXXX sailing ships hit Tasmania and all they had was a wildly swinging compass and a length of XXXXXXX rope with knots in it.!"

 

The Pilots quickly subsided because ..........

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The Pilots quickly subsided because ..........

..... Tasmanians are really prickly about being left off all of the maps and Lou is a particularly proud Taswegian.

 

"Proud of what?" asked Turbo cruelly, but that went unanswered as Lou and bull didn't hear him.

 

"I hear that there is even a proposal to leave Tasmania out of the next edition of the ERSA" interjected Onesie with a grin, as he was rejoicing at Tassy being the new laughing stock of Australia instead of WA, as it had been for the last 150 years.

 

Meanwhile Lou had the flying bug and paid a deposit on a new Thruster using the profits from the revamp of the 350's, so Lou and bull were now ................

Edited February 8, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......flying buddies, and we know what that means. They flew to Queenstown, Strathgordon, Kingston, and Lake St. Clair, and Lou fell in the lake.

They flew to Geeveston, Kettering, and Eaglehawk Neck, and were standing next to the dozens of tourists staring at the neck, when bull said "If that's its neck, it must have been a big bastard Ay." and no one understood him.

They flew to Melton Mowbray, Interlaken and Lake Leake and were standing there leaking into the lake when Lou said ".............................

[Captain]

42 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......flying buddies, and we know what that means. They flew to Queenstown, Strathgordon, Kingston, and Lake St. Clair, and Lou fell in the lake.

They flew to Geeveston, Kettering, and Eaglehawk Neck, and were standing next to the dozens of tourists staring at the neck, when bull said "If that's its neck, it must have been a big bastard Ay." and no one understood him.

They flew to Melton Mowbray, Interlaken and Lake Leake and were standing there leaking into the lake when Lou said ".............................

...."Geeez you look attractive in this soft afternoon light, bull old mate ........ but can you please turn and face away from me (and downwind) .......................... and is this the "$100 leak" that everyone talks about in aviation chinwags?"

 

bull, who is indeed very attractive yet modest, responded ........

Edited February 8, 2022 by Captain

[Captain]

FURTHER TO THE ABOVE, the below photo has just been sent to me anonymously.

It certainly looks like Tassy weather, although not yet snowing.

Could this be the actual occasion, after bull turned around, of a group of Thruster flyboys

leaking into a lake? (See how attractive bull is?)

Edited February 9, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

Turbo remembered that day. He had flown in a load of Bluehead parts in the beaver and was about to join the group for a BBQ when he noticed them standing in a line at the edge of the dam. This would be a good photo for the families to remember.

[onetrack]

However, the photo, as with many curious photos, is not what it seemed. Despite the photo appearing to indicate a group of men weeing into a dam - this was most certainly not the case.

 

The men had all lined up, holding their cameras low to get the full scene, to get photos of bulls excursion off the top of dam wall with his Tyro. The Tyro, unfortunately is lying upside down, well below the mens feet, on the steep slope of the dam inner wall, and out of sight of the cameraman.

 

Bull luckily escaped from the prang with only scratches, and now has his words ringing in his ears ... "Hey fellas! Watch this!" - as attempted a takeoff from the top of the dam wall. But he failed to take into account the narrow width of the dam wall - and those nasty castle-rampart style blocks.

Once he got the Tyro rolling, and whilst still well below V1, the cross wind that he thought was only minimal, became much stronger as he approached the centre of the wall. The crosswind pushed him off centre - his left wing hit one of the blocks - and the Tyro cartwheeled over the wall, and fell upside down on the slope of the inner wall.

 

The men watching the daring takeoff all rushed to the edge of the dam wall to see if bull was O.K. - the media were looking for a great photo op - and the rest is history. Of course, then there was the next little episode, where bull was trying to explain away why...........

[turboplanner]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

However, the photo, as with many curious photos, is not what it seemed. Despite the photo appearing to indicate a group of men weeing into a dam - this was most certainly not the case.

 

The men had all lined up, holding their cameras low to get the full scene, to get photos of bulls excursion off the top of dam wall with his Tyro. The Tyro, unfortunately is lying upside down, well below the mens feet, on the steep slope of the dam inner wall, and out of sight of the cameraman.

 

Bull luckily escaped from the prang with only scratches, and now has his words ringing in his ears ... "Hey fellas! Watch this!" - as attempted a takeoff from the top of the dam wall. But he failed to take into account the narrow width of the dam wall - and those nasty castle-rampart style blocks.

Once he got the Tyro rolling, and whilst still well below V1, the cross wind that he thought was only minimal, became much stronger as he approached the centre of the wall. The crosswind pushed him off centre - his left wing hit one of the blocks - and the Tyro cartwheeled over the wall, and fell upside down on the slope of the inner wall.

 

The men watching the daring takeoff all rushed to the edge of the dam wall to see if bull was O.K. - the media were looking for a great photo op - and the rest is history. Of course, then there was the next little episode, where bull was trying to explain away why...........

........his ASI was marked in dollars. "I tried Knots" he said but I kept getting tied up in knots. "I tried MPH, but thought that was ridiculous because I'd never even taken a mile to land".

Then, going over to the machine, "when you're sitting in here, you need a logical prompt to stop you from stalling. Dollars rang the bell for me. When I'm coming in low and slow and I;ve only got two dollars on the clock, I know its time to push the nose down, or ........................."

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

When I'm coming in low and slow and I;ve only got two dollars on the clock, I know its time to push the nose down, or ........

... thoritatively or risk a .......

[bull]

5 hours ago, Captain said:

... thoritatively or risk a .......

catastrothic/catastrofic/,,,,,,%#$#$6 it wing [avref]snapping off from the aerodynamic forces [avref]created by the airfoil [avref] shape and passage off air over said surface you know that one wing landings a not gunna be much fun

for you said Cappy,why we could................

[Captain]

15 hours ago, bull said:

catastrothic/catastrofic/,,,,,,%#$#$6 it wing [avref]snapping off from the aerodynamic forces [avref]created by the airfoil [avref] shape and passage off air over said surface you know that one wing landings a not gunna be much fun

for you said Cappy,why we could................

..... save a lot of money at Turbine Ultralights and Experimentals Pty Ltd (TUAEPL) and then make even more of a motza at Turbine Flight Training and Other Scams Inc (TFTAOSI) by selling them from the beginning with just one wing and then taking an extra 250 hours to train the pilots (avref) to fly (avref) them."

 

"Good idea Skipper" said Turbo in a WhatsApp encrypted message "And we can also ...... 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Captain

[Captain]

AS A COMMUNITY SERVICE WARNING TO STUDENT PILOTS: Below is one of TFTAOSI's favorite scams, where they sell all of this crap these Learning Aids as a location in which to sit to study all of the bookwork in order to assist Students to obtain their AUF licenses in half the time ...... so just 300 hours instead of the 600 hours that TFTAOSI usually take for each Student.

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

AS A COMMUNITY SERVICE WARNING TO STUDENT PILOTS: Below is one of TFTAOSI's favorite scams, where they sell all of this crap these Learning Aids as a location in which to sit to study all of the bookwork in order to assist Students to obtain their AUF licenses in half the time ...... so just 300 hours instead of the 600 hours that TFTAOSI usually take for each Student.

 

Explanation: Turbo respectfully explains that this is an exploded view of a Blue Head laid out within a rectangle.

 

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Explanation: Turbo respectfully explains that this is an exploded view of a Blue Head laid out within a rectangle.

 

And when Turbo says "exploded" he means EXPLODED.

 

The below video is unusual as this usually happens at 400 ft just after the end of the runway when you are on no-man's land.

 

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Captain

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

rectangle

.... in the shape of a square.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.which was supposed to be a triangle but there were none in stock.

Turbo was able to fix the blowout in hours, after sitting in on Cappy, and finding he would be going through the manual, closing it when a student asked a question, giving a long-winded answer based on his time in the Khyber Pass, then going back to the beginning of the manual.

The amazing part was that none of the students noticed - they all spoke Mandarin and ......

[Captain]

5 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The amazing part was that none of the students noticed - they all spoke Mandarin and ......

.... ate ....

[Captain]

4 hours ago, Captain said:

By sitting inside this pyramid under and around the crystals, not only did Students pass their written exams in double quick time, but their razor blades never got blunt for the rest of their lives, all of their fillings were repaired, their wits were sharpened, they were never dangerously slow when turning onto base or final and for the males, all of their important reproductive bits were enlarged. 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Captain

[onetrack]

Of course, Cappy has failed to reveal that the video he posted, is of Turbine Industries new Bulletproof aero engine that's under development.

The video was actually kept secret for an extended period, whilst Turbo and his engineers set to, to offer up an entirely believable explanation for the total destruction of his new Bulletproof engine.

 

"Once we did the investigation, the reason for the blow-up is obvious", said the TI News Release (which came with Turbos signature on it). "The engine blew up, because someone actually shot at it, and the bullet, being a .357 Magnum, went straight through the block, causing the amazing level of damage! When we called it the Bulletproof engine, we didn't actually expect anyone to fire a bullet at it, it's just a good term in wide use in the engine industry!"

 

"I don't believe this BS for one minute!", cried OT as he studied the news release. "It's obvious the engine is a dud, and it can't even tolerate 3 or 4 half-decent turbos attached to it for a few minutes, without it crapping itself! I wouldn't fly behind one of these engines for all the tea in China! This new TI engine makes early Jabiru engines look good!"

 

"This is not true!", stated Turbo loftily as he called another media session to refute the claims his new engine was a dud. "All new engines have teething problems, and ours is no different! It's just that this video was released into the public domain, when it should never have been! It will be a good engine in time, we just need to throw a few hundred more million into it, and soon it will be......

[Captain]

.... in such demand that you won't be able to buy one for all the genocide in China. In fact we will call this engine our "Uyghur Head" model, so let's hope they all make it into aeroplanes (avref)with no parts missing (not like the Uyghurs and their kidneys) ."

 

This strong stand by TUAEPL was loudly applauded by the .....  

Edited February 11, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........Ultralight community who liked short life engines and airframes, who liked the extra challenge f a forced landing or trying to redfine a new way to fly an aircraft with a broken wing or half the fuselage snapped on.

Not many people know that 4,000 Ultralight members used to play Russian roulette before they found the more dangerous and exciting sport of Ultralight flying, where ..............

[Captain]

...... EFATOs are a badge of honour and an AUF endorsed contest is being run to see who can accumulate the most.

 

The present winner is also a Fatso who is also leading the annual AUF competition to see who can take off with the biggest W&B imbalance.

 

These fun competitions add a lot to the AUF lifestyle, but .....

Edited February 11, 2022 by Captain

[Captain]

For new NESers, the E-FATO is the latest successor of the Ink&Quil-FATO, which preceeded the Analogue-FATO, and will soon be succeeded by the NonGender-FATO.