The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.......Captain Cook sailed into the harbour.

Astute NES readers will have jumped to the conclusion that Captain Cook couldn't have named the Cook Islands, and that is true, but by a quirk of ...............

[Captain]

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......Captain Cook sailed into the harbour.

Astute NES readers will have jumped to the conclusion that Captain Cook couldn't have named the Cook Islands, and that is true, but by a quirk of ...............

...... nomenclature, the name of the islands was thought up by Jimmy's chief Cook & Bottlewasher, who wisely conceded that the Bottlewash Islands didn't quite have the same ring to it and that may therefore adversely effect the credit rating of the .....

Edited March 11, 2022 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....local bottle-o's, who weren't really concerned about their credit ratings, as they always dealt in cash, anyway. But the cook was unfairly recorded as having named the Islands after himself, when all he was doing, was naming them after his boss, because it was his turn that day, to name something.

 

"The name, 'Cook Islands' sounds like a perfectly good name to me, for a place which holds the major tax haven status in the Pacific", said Turbo.

 

"After all, they regularly use terms today such as 'cooking the books', and we all know that's just a common term for Cook Islands tax haven investments. In fact, it was that fine upstanding corporate leader in the shape of Alan Bond, who put me onto this lur....errr....strategy, of utilising the Cook Islands for all my banking, and just look at what that did for.........

[turboplanner]

.......the banking industry; crippled it in Australia; the Big 5 had to close down local banks all over Australia, and those old moaners who'd been continually complaining about lack of service had to go to Coles and Woolies to get their cash.........and then had the indignity of having to punch a machine for their money anyway, or the Russian Oligarchs on this site who've brought home the difficulty of hanging on to their wealth after being banned from the Cooks (as the locals say), or ......

[Captain]

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

and then had the indignity of having to punch a machine for their money anyway, or the Russian Oligarchs on this site who've brought home the difficulty of hanging on to their wealth after being banned from the Cooks (as the locals say), or ......

..... the alternative, which is to take payment in coconuts.

 

The Oligarchs thought that this looked attractive as the ruble fell past 500 rubles/coconut and coconut futures went through the roof to an extent where Turbine Pine Forest Rip-offs Ltd (TPFRL) thought of changing their name, but instead thought "Bugger it, who will notice?" and just started to plant millions of coconut trees between Southern Cross and Leonora (well it IS sand and the ground is cheap, plus coconut processing capacity is available in the old Mouse Abattoir & Factory) without realizing that the 1st thing Coconut Trees need is ......... 

 

 

The below photo represents 47 million rubles.

Edited March 12, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....balmy breezes and Hawaiian guitar music, or they look like the scrawny trash found in Queensland resorts where if you stay up late you'll see the resort manager wandering around the garden superpgluing nuts on the trees for the gullible tourists from Sydney who wouldn't know a nut from .................

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....balmy breezes and Hawaiian guitar music, or they look like the scrawny trash found in Queensland resorts where if you stay up late you'll see the resort manager wandering around the garden superpgluing nuts on the trees for the gullible tourists from Sydney who wouldn't know a nut from .................

...... Moorabbin, except for his posts on the subject of ......

[bull]

extramarital relations that ...

 

[Captain]

6 hours ago, bull said:

extramarital relations that ...

 

....... proved difficult in the back seat of the Vette, or in his private F16, or .......

[turboplanner]

.....for that matter his mountain climbing harness which had left him with many scratches..........

Edited March 13, 2022 by turboplanner

[Captain]

11 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....for that matter his mountain climbing harness which had left him with many scratches..........

........ on his back, which to Turbo represented success in his extramarital quests, but his friends just .......

Edited March 13, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........disbelieved him as usual and continued drinking and talking over him. But Turbo just smiled, he knew what it was like at 20,000 feet in the Eiger face to ................

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........disbelieved him as usual and continued drinking and talking over him. But Turbo just smiled, he knew what it was like at 20,000 feet in the Eiger, face to ................

...... face with death and with a fraid rope, a split personality, a dodgy relationship and a ........

[turboplanner]

.......n Amazon who'd been stuck on a desert island for fifteen years who ...............

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......n Amazon who'd been stuck on a desert island for fifteen years who ...............

...... was afraid of snow, didn't like climbing rocks, had bad memories of Charlie Eiger from before being marooned (or even dark-redded) on the island, and who was now depressed from being stuck in the Alps with Turbo (well, you would be wouldn't you) while he lined here up to be taken advantage of, by using his ........

 

TURDBOY'S AMAZON (Who is also the Chairwoman of the Amazon & District CWA).

Edited March 14, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......carabiniers in a most unusual way. This led to the belief among the Sherpas.........................

[Captain]

10 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

......carabiniers in a most unusual way. This led to the belief among the Sherpas.........................

.........

1. That they were a fairly long way from Nepal.
    
2. The Alps are just a pissy little range of hills.
    
3. The Eiger is just a phallic symbol.
    
4. That their lessons on the German language and the Lutheran religion were going OK.
    
5. That they should be allowed to place their beer cans on the Amazon's drink coaster.

and that there is a big ...........

 

AS ONE OF THE SHERPAS SAID SO ELOQUENTLY - "Diese kleine hill ist ein phallicher prong dat looks yust like Turbo's (on ein gut day).

Edited March 14, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........chance that a Sherpa wouldn't be able to keep up with Turbo even if he was disadvantaged by an Amazonian Princess dangling from his carabinier on a 50 metre long-line, as he .................

[Captain]

14 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..........chance that a Sherpa wouldn't be able to keep up with Turbo even if he was disadvantaged by an Amazonian Princess dangling from his carabinier on a 50 metre long-line, as he .................

...... is an athlete (yes, Turbo I mean) with finely honed athletic coordination, pluck, determination & skills, just like Eddie the Eagle and Steve Bradbury (and politics like Zali Steggell), so Tubb stepped up his pace and the Sherpas just ...........

[turboplanner]

.........hung on the ropes in shame.

 

"Ma hilārī bhandā pahilē ṭarbōkō janma bha'ēkō thiyō" said Tensing Norgay Jr IV,"Tyasō bha'ē hāmīlē bāsṭarḍalā'ī sagaramāthā māthi tānnu parnē thi'ēna."

and so the secret came out about Hillary which shocked New Zealanders to the core and ..........

 

 

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........hung on the ropes in shame.

 

"Ma hilārī bhandā pahilē ṭarbōkō janma bha'ēkō thiyō" said Tensing Norgay Jr IV,"Tyasō bha'ē hāmīlē bāsṭarḍalā'ī sagaramāthā māthi tānnu parnē thi'ēna."

and so the secret came out about Hillary which shocked New Zealanders to the core and ..........

 

 

...... convinced them even more that they should be an isolationist little backwater bunch of islands in the south Pacific (hence the word Pacifist).

 

"New Zulund us a haappy place und we are loving our move to turn a wee bit Muzzy, as that wull cleanse us of what Edmund dud, which made us feel unclean and ..........

 

JACINDA IN THE LATTER STAGES OF HER HORSEY MUZZY SOLO TRAINING.

Edited March 15, 2022 by Captain

[Captain]

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........ the secret came out about Hillary ..........

AS A CONFIDENTIAL ASIDE - Cappy has received several hundred phone calls today from NES lurkers asking whether Turdboy was referring above to Sir Ed or to Bill's missus. Cappy, who is normally a brave soldier of the NES, and of Wreck Flying, knows that Tubb was referring to Hillary C, but Cappy is unwilling to confirm that in case he might be found dead, hanging from his bed (which is actually a palliasse on the floor, but that won't stop 'em), in his cell (and Cappy notes, just for the record, that the security cameras have just gone dark and his 3 guards have buggered off).

Edited March 15, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

50 minutes ago, Captain said:

AS A CONFIDENTIAL ASIDE - Cappy has received several hundred phone calls today from NES lurkers asking whether Turdboy was referring above to Sir Ed or to Bill's missus. Cappy, who is normally a brave soldier of the NES, and of Wreck Flying, knows that Tubb was referring to Hillary C, but Cappy is unwilling to confirm that in case he might be found dead, hanging from his bed (which is actually a palliasse on the floor, but that won't stop 'em), in his cell (and Cappy notes, just for the record, that the security cameras have just gone dark and his 3 guards have buggered off).

Turbo doesn't normally respond to these asides in the interests of keeping the exciting flow of King's English moving, but respectfully points out that Cappy's fears are groundless because there aren't any new rolls of carpet stacked outside the cell.

[Captain]

48 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo doesn't normally respond to these asides in the interests of keeping the exciting flow of King's English moving, but respectfully points out that Cappy's fears are groundless because there aren't any new rolls of carpet stacked outside the cell.

"Such is Life" said Cappy resignedly, giving his best Ned Kelly impersonation, and he added  "Hello, is anyone there?".

 

Just at that very moment a shadowy figure that looked a lot like Bill, crept up to his cell and asked if Cappy knows what to do creatively with a cigar?

 

Cappy, who is sexually quite experienced (and a bit game), stood erect at the door of his cell, still looking to see if the little red lights were back on the security cameras.

Edited March 15, 2022 by Captain

[onetrack]

But Cappys erection frightened Bill so much, he ran away, having heard what happens in jail cells. This disappointed Cappy greatly, as he was looking forward to......