The Never Ending Story

[bull]

realised he was making more coin walking around the church every sunday carrying the donation tray..This is awesome he said ,i,m gunna organise a team of infiltraters to enter  churches all over Australia and do the collections,,,should work ok until the churches close from no maintenance ah said Tommo.  Well thats not a .......................

 

Edited March 26, 2022 by bull

[turboplanner]

.........problem because I've had a tray and tradie drawers put on the Commanche and can do maintenance as well through Turbine Finance, and ...........

[onetrack]

....since Turbo reckons that everyone worships the ground he walks on (apart from that Jedi Rat, of course), he has now started up the Turbine Church of Unholy Alliances, so he can have bigger offerings trays than all the other churches, and he can concentrate of sermons about flying risks - which are less boring than sermons about going to Hell - and of course, anyone with any level of aviation interest will be able to enter......

[Captain]

 

......... flagellating himself, but not beating himself (off), because he felt remorseful.

 

Meanwhile 3 Popes and 5 Archbishops of Canterbury + Marty Luther made God sit in the naughty corner for swearing in the manner reported (dobbed in) above by Turbo.

 

Having Ken in the naughty corner for a millennium of 2 meant that Turbo could take on his role, generally as he does not on Wreck Flying, and that meant that ......... 

 

OOOPS, POOR CAPPY DIDN'T REALISE THAT YOU WERE ALL OVER HERE ON PAGE 691, WHEN HE WAS STILL RESPONDING TO TUBBY ON PAGE 690. SORRY ABOUT THAT CHAPS AND CHAPETTES.

Edited March 26, 2022 by Captain

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

....since Turbo reckons that everyone worships the ground he walks on (apart from that Jedi Rat, of course), he has now started up the Turbine Church of Unholy Alliances, so he can have bigger offerings trays than all the other churches, and he can concentrate of sermons about flying risks - which are less boring than sermons about going to Hell - and of course, anyone with any level of aviation interest will be able to enter......

....... into the kingdom of Ken Turdboy.

 

In addition to the Turbine Church of Unholy Alliance he started up 2 more so that he could corner the market, and the donations. He called these the TinkyWink Church of Pretty Early Saints and the TuberPlanter's Church of Right At This Very Moment Saints and Turbo, as a deity, prescribed that all of the little old ladies with purple hair who attend each Sunday must give 70% of their income (pensions) in order to receive a written pass straight into ........

Edited March 26, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......the Turbine Hall of Fame where everyone who qualifies gets unlimited reruns of Days of Our Lives and Mai Tais, or the Incredible Hulk.

After a while Turbo realised he'd been set up; it wasn't any fun at all being God who had to deal with all those sinners, and he realised there weren't too many good ones.

Then he realised he'd been diverted by Cappy, so he started asking around.

Cappy hadn't been seen in his Aerolite lately, so he had a look around Kapooka and sure enough, in a dilapidated old hangar, which Cappy had crudely tried to disguise as a kids' fort with skulls and cross bones painted on in the most amateur manner was his Aerolite, bent out of shape so far that it was a write off. Gradually the information came it as Cappy's "mates" did the dirty on him and told ...........

 

[Captain]

54 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Gradually the information came it as Cappy's "mates" did the dirty on him and told ........

....... the shameful story that Cappy was flying (avref) yet hovering, just on the edge of the YKKA Restricted Airspace.

 

"What's Restricted Airspace?" asked Turbo who had never really bothered with such detail in the past "After all, who can read my rego when I'm at 3000 ft and doing my tactical maneuvers.

 

"Tactical maneuvers my xxxx" commented Onesie "Those are PIOs plus a serious lack of rudder control all rolled into one, to give the impression of ...........

[onetrack]

.....controlled aerobatics, when it fact the trail of wrecked aircraft across the country, shows you have yet to figure out the what the numbers mean on the......

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

.....controlled aerobatics, when it fact the trail of wrecked aircraft across the country, shows you have yet to figure out the what the numbers mean on the......

... the round black thing with white writing, right next to the .......

 

THE CONTROL PANEL IN TURBO'S AEROLIGHT.

HE JUST FLYS BY THE DIAL NEAR THE MIDDLE UNTIL THE 2 HANDS MAKE A SMILEY-FACE.

Edited March 27, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........clock.

"That's the altimeter" said Cappy.

Turbo thought for a while and then came back with a winner: "It's got a big hand and a little hand" he said, folding his arms.

Cappy looked at OT and they both looked at bull, who was wondering .........................

[onetrack]

.....how anyone could get an instrument panel like that to fit into an Aerolite - as he had only one instrument in the Jacka - an altimeter - which only worked intermittently.

 

"I can see you problem right there, without any further investigation!," said bull. "The C of G is so far out carrying that instrument panel, it's got me beat how you actually get off the ground!"

"Well, I did have to fit some rockets for JATO", admitted Turbo with a grin. "But the rockets I used weren't exactly aviation-grade - in fact they were out-of-date fireworks rockets from the Chinese $2 shop run by Fook Wing On. I thought they might provide a satisfactory level of performance, but the last lot were.......

 

Edited March 27, 2022 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

.......duds and luckily I was over a paddock with 2 metre high scotch thistles. Unluckily I only had a stretched cloth seat................

[bull]

and stubby shorts and thongs on at the time!  Now this created a pretty picture when he landed just after .  Holy toledo turdman that must have hurt?......

[Captain]

19 hours ago, bull said:

and stubby shorts and thongs on at the time!  Now this created a pretty picture when he landed just after

Holy toledo turdman that must have hurt?......

...... and this, dear Readers, is where the Turdman's decades & decades & decades (lots & lots & lots of decades) in the parching sun & corrosive Melbournistan atmosphere, with never a drop of moisturizer, had achieved skin that looked like a cross between rhino hide & the Pacific Hwy on a bad day, and even down there in the thistle target area (the TTA) his skin was cracked, dry, flaky, abused, thick, parched, mean, ugly & very unattractive, ....... yet strangely .......

Edited March 28, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....pain resistent, so his screams could hardly be heard, but OT heard them, threw a cattle rope around his neck, gunned the D7 and towed him out of the thistles.

 

They celebrated with a glass of Apple juice and decided to buy a dozen Aeroflites between them so they'd always have a new one when something like this happened.

 

"This is recreational flying at its best" said OT "we're flying for petty cash and we don't have to have one ear on the engine waiting for that bang when we least............

 

 

[onetrack]

.....expect it. In addition, since I produced that new oil additive made from Bobtail Goannas tails fats, the engines are producing twice the power, run smoother, have doubled their TBO - and they're also running much cooler. To add to those impressive results, we're getting a 22% increase in fuel economy!

 

"I cannot believe the difference this additive of yours makes to engine performance!", exclaimed Turbo. "In addition, I found the additive was great for dry parched, sun-hardened skin, and it also eases the pain of thistle burr pricks to a very tolerable level! How did you ever discover this stuff?", he said.

 

"Well, I was fossicking around in my workshop and I accidentally used some expired Goanna liniment in one of my grease guns", explained OT. ""It was only after I got these amazing results for lubricity and pain relief (because you always get grease all over your hands when you're greasing things), that I examined what I'd put in the grease gun, and then realised I'd used this well-matured Goanna Liniment - which obviously developed some amazing properties after 45 years maturing in the tin, and I.........

[turboplanner]

........decided to sell it commercially, but ......

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........decided to sell it commercially, but ......

....... while the aviation industry was rejoicing at the maintenance gains (all except for the LAME's Union who were pretty cranky) and the fuel economy improvement (Alan Joyce rejoiced (hence his name) and changed the QuaintArse image from a Roo to a Goanna and said "By gosh and by gorra, oim very happy don't ya know"), so the only objection came from the few Bobtail Goannas that had survived the initial kill, but then they suggested that their tails could be surgically removed without killing the rest of the Goanna, and this led to the other breakthrough in Goanna microsurgery, which involved ........

[turboplanner]

.......stem cell treatment which would grow goanna tails on the udders of cows.

"This has three advantages" said Turbo "We can grow multiples per udder; we can inspect the growth every day at milking time, and no goannas are killed so the process meets sustainability guidelines."

Now an old Boundary Rider was sitting next to them and heard the whole conversation.

"You realise goanna oil is very dangerous to touch don't you?"

OT shook his head and opened his eyes; the smile had gone and good old WA attitude to wise men from the east was seeping in, but Turbo moved closer and said he vaguely remembered a story on the ABC when he was travelling through the Channel country and made sure all the windows were up. A Boundary Rider had failed to check in on his morning radio schedule so the Station Manager rode out the 40 miles to his hut to find the Boundary Rider cripped with arthritis (the announcer pronounced it arthuritis). "I've got something for that" he said "rub some of this goanna oil all over you every morning" The dollar signs were back in OT's eyes. The radio schedules started coming in and the SM rode out next weekend with half a dozen bottles of goanna oil. He couldn't find the boundary rider for a while then saw him hiding behind a tree and hanging on with his hands. The BR said he was ok but the SM noticed his tounge was flicking out now and again and he didn't want to leave the tree. However the schedules were coming in and the fences were being repaired. Two weeks later the schedules stopped coming in. The SM rode out to make sure the BR was OK, but he was nowehere to be seen. He went around to the back of the hut and a loud hissing started up in the tree. The BR was lying on top of a big limb, giving him the evil eye and hissing loudly. He scratched some bark off as a warning. The SM called to him but he only hissed louder, and blinked his eyes. TheSM went home and called the cops. When they got back they said they'd surprised him but he'd scratched one of them badly and shot up the tree so they had to shoot him.

"I was that Boundary Rider" said the old man. "But the cops said they shot you!" replied OT.

"They thought they had" said the BR, but I whipped around the back of the trunk and hung on with my claws!" 

OT ................................................

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"I was that Boundary Rider" said the old man. "But the cops said they shot you!" replied OT.

"They thought they had" said the BR, but I whipped around the back of the trunk and hung on with my claws!" 

OT ......................

........ was exhausted from that read of 15 minutes that he will never get back, so he decided to play for time.

 

"Give me a while to re-read that a few times as I need to work out who is up whom (so to speak, as I know that Turbo is only into normal man & lady stuff), because I note that OT is mentioned, as is the SM, the BR & The Goanna however I couldn't understand what Kerry had to do with it."

 

"No wuckers" responded Tubb "But just remember that .............

Edited March 29, 2022 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....this stuff that OT is producing beats anything I've thought up so far - so Turbine Industries is going to have to redouble its efforts to match OT's high-tech product!"

However, what wasn't widely known, was that the Boundary Rider was one Josiah Aloysius Turbine, and this is why and how Turbo is so familiar with the BR's story.

 

Josiah became known as the "Lizard Man", and along with the weatherbeaten, parched, crusty and burr-toughened skin (that all the Turbine family descendants are now well-known for) which matched his name, plus the long fingernails and toenails that he never trimmed (another Turbine family habit that was hard to break), Josiah was a natural choice for Ashtons Travelling Circus - where he became a favourite of the circus-goers. 

 

Josiah would come running into the main tent and scramble straight up the main tent pole, without a shred of climbing equipment, harness, or anything to assist him. Once up the top of the pole, he would just stop dead-still, and not even flinch a muscle or move an eyeball. The circus-goers were encouraged to throw things at him, to try and make him run down the pole again, but all that did was........

[turboplanner]

.....make him spit, most of it falling on the lions gathered for their performance. One of the younger lions had been watching him intently as he climbed the pole each night, and this night when a particularly big gob of spittle landed on his back, the young lion was off up the pole. He reasoned that momentum was 9/10 of the secret of climbing vertically, and reached the ring where he ...............

[bull]

was immedietly pounced on by Turbine industries trained killer attack dogs from the local pound,[documentery of the event starring Turbines finest stray attack dog]     ???Trained by.........................

 

Edited March 29, 2022 by bull

[Captain]

26 minutes ago, bull said:

was immedietly pounced on by Turbine industries trained killer attack dogs from the local pound,[documentery of the event starring Turbines finest stray attack dog]     ???Trained by.........................

...... Turbine Lions for Hire Inc and by their associated company, Turbine Puppies for Food P/L.

 

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

He reasoned that momentum was 9/10 of the secret of climbing vertically, and reached his ring where ..........

...... upon Josiah lifted himself up so that the young Lion couldn't rip him a new one.

 

This made Jo a fave at Ashtons until the fateful Saturday matinee when a lion was introduced with 5 ft long front legs, and that .....

Edited March 29, 2022 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......changed the game completely.

Jo saw the claws coming, spring up through the Mcoll Ring (don't you hate it when the press just call it a "ring") slid down the top of the tent, raced into the lions cage and locked the door. (Turbo is now quoting from one of his Grade 3 essays "My night at the circus".)

This confused the lion, which then .....................................