The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

"All turns ....... will be made to left.....(physics reference)

"Did someone call us?" asked a huge number of very happy J160 owners.

 

"No, stay out of this, as we finally have a chapter of the NES that involves 2 other fine flying machines (tee hee) and no plastic or aircooling in sight" chorused Sportsovak and the Drifto-Sapian.

 

"Do you have a blue head, Tomo, or are you just pleased to see me, or are you sad because one wing is looking a bit 2nd-hand" asked Axeovak on 123.45 which is now fast becoming a dedicated RotaryAxe chat & emergency channel.

 

And at just that moment the mandolin hit home with a ..............

 

 

[Tomo]

..........thudd followed by a bang, because dotdash has a few tricks up his sleeve and thought he'd experiment with some explosives inside the mandarin... they certainly did the trick with...................

 

 

[Captain]

..........thudd followed by a bang, because dotdash has a few tricks up his sleeve and thought he'd experiment with some explosives inside the mandarin... they certainly did the trick with...................

"You can only fit 3 grams of Semtex in a Mandarin" said TrainedKillerPete, who actually did most of his training on black powder, but had a conversion chart for Semtex so that he would apprear to be modern and "with-it".

 

"But when you use a mandolin it will take 1.5 kgs and you can hold a square dance while waiting to chuck it" added BlueGrassPete.

 

"I speak mandalin" said Ruddy, still trying to the relevant.

 

However even 1.5 kgs of bang stuff couldn't harm a SportSzar, as Ahlovackian has read the manufacturer's sales blurb which said "The Russians have been bashing us up for centuries and we build our aircraft to handle their next cross border excursion ..... what a fine aircraft they are."

 

Meanwhile the Tomo-sapian gunned the blue-head, closed his visor and ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

Meanwhile the Tomo-sapian gunned the blue-head, closed his visor and ............

.....remembering an orange he'd put in his pocket a couple of days ago, just before his first solo, and jammed it tightly down the barrel.

 

Climbing out on the wing, he repaired the damage with his handkerchief and some vegemite from a stale sandwich in his other pocket.

 

He siphoned another half litre of fuel off, to give it a real charge, made a classic Drifter quarter turn and had the Rivet in his sights.

 

There was a huge bang, and out fell a series of dots and dashes from Tomo's machine. (At least we know where they are now).

 

The orange pounded into Lovakski's starboard side, leaving a huge dent in the flimsy aluminium.

 

This caused drag and the underpowered aircraft started turning in right hand circles.

 

He was over the City's only airport.

 

"What the ***** do you think you're doing!" yelled First Officer Brenton Purpose.

 

Lovakski had previously thought he was such a nice person, but as he continued to do a series of right hand turns directly in front of the incoming Dash 8, he remembered some wise advice from Turbo.

 

"Dash 8 Echo Whisky Golf, you realise you're making an illegal approach don't you BRENTON" he rhetoriced.

 

"Aircraft calling say again" came the return call "Hellooo" Hellooo, anybody there" said the Dash 8 First Officer in what he thought was formal radio language, and Lovakski saw the high speed aircraft make a high speed turn down the coast for ten minutes or so.

 

DotDash could see the flimsy aircraft had been badly hit, and, being a Queenslander, decided to make it worse for Lovaksi.....

 

 

[ahlocks]

.....and, being a Queenslander, decided to make it worse for Lovaksi.....

... by hurling lumps of heat sensitive plastic into the air. :ah_oh:

 

"What is it with those Qlders?" mused McLovaK , as he nochantly shaped another melbourne bitter can into a patch for the sportztsar's dinged wing. "Beat'em at footy a couple of times and then all they want to do is pelt southerners with old PET bottles shaped like aeroplanes...they're just never happy.. i_dunno"

 

McSmarhtArze keyed the microphone. "What's up yours Brenton, yah big girl? You know that you can't do your straight in downwinder unless you've sorted all the extents practicables beforehand!" :devil:

 

Pop, whizz, Thump! :ah_oh: a couple of more rivets let go.....

 

 

[Captain]

Pop, whizz, Thump! :ah_oh: a couple of more rivets let go....

"Can you believe how strong these things are" said El Rattee "As this SS still flies with the same aplomb that it did when it still had all its rivets (but it was starting to whistle like a primary school recorder concert)."

 

Meanwhile Tomo the Bluehead Engine was listening for more "pings" as he faught to get the drifter under Vne ........... but instead of another "ping", he heard the sound of a rodent knawing away at his fabric, then more rodentiferous knawing, and when he looked around he saw about 50% of the Dalby mouse plague eating away at his Drifter.

 

"We'll teach you to call El Ratto a Creep" they chorused as they made their way along a couple of cables and some aluminuminumium pipe towards Tomo, with their beedy little red eyes fixed on having him for desert.

 

"What a way to go solo" said Tomo "Does this happen on every flight? As, if so, my X-Country to Mt Isa is going to be a bit of an adventure."

 

"It will be a ................

 

 

[Tomo]

"It will be a ................

N...M...ice adventure alright........

 

Talking about mice eating, the poor queesnland Health service heard that a poor young fella's plastic covered winged two pot screemer was getting all eaten up, and I don't won't anything to do that to me yeld the health officers...Oh...alright you can use up a bit more of the governments money and take the big baby....;) so a couple of people turned up in a big KINGAIR to go and count the fury four legged Mice....:confused: and say, yeah there correct, there is a lot of them:blush:

 

any way back to the Mt Isa cross country...........

 

 

[Captain]

any way back to the Mt Isa cross country...........

... for when Tomo looked closely at the mice, each was wearing a tiny little leather flying cap, each was pointed into the wind, and each had a copy of the RAA constitution.

 

Then he noticed that a couple of the mice at the back were more like rats and each of those held a knife.

 

"What are you?" asked Tomo.

 

"We are a couple of present and/or previous Board Members" said ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

......the Dark Avenger "an yo jus kep yo ass pointing in the direction of Mt Isa - we don't tell no one nuthin' and when anyone asks we just incise them" he said.

 

"Why don't you use a knife on them?" innocently asked Blue Head

 

"keepin it sharp for those other Board Members - they's badasses" said the Dark Avenger.

 

"What do they do? asked Blue Head

 

"Bad things" said the Dark Avenger, and Blue Head realised there were more exciting things to do.

 

He tied his pet cat to the fuselage (well we should be hinest here, the piece of water pipe) and gunned the big two stroke clearing the end fence by a millimetre, and fify thousand hungry mice showed their versatility by sticking right on his six, but as the speed picked up and since the cat was facing backwards, its fur blew back and it appeared to be three times its normal size. The mice lost interest and decided to go shopping in Wagga.

 

He heard the whistle of the Czsportster before he saw it, and armed with a couple of dozen spuds Which the dark Avenger had given him after the other Board members had closed the doors and rendered his (DA) spud gun impotent.

 

He was soon Joined by Lord Longword who'd completed the fitting of two black powder revolvers to his pipe and pillow case machine, and it looked like it was all over for Rivet.

 

However, fate stepped in, for as Lord Longword fired what he thout was the fatal shot, a cloud of black smoke filled his eyes and lungs.

 

"Bother!" he said as he realised soldiering in the 18th century wasn't as good as it was today.

 

Technically he was now flying in IMC and as expected his inner ear betrayed him and the aircraft rolled onver then slid into a spiral dive and down....

 

To make matters worse, the shot had missed when the Lovakski, learning a trick from Big$ pulled a whip stall that left the crowd gasping in amazement.

 

It was at that moment the Blue Head realised he shouldn't have been doing this before completing his cross country training because the big two strike gave a surge and then cut dead.

 

"Forced Landings...." he muttered, trying to remember the checks.....

 

 

[Captain]

.."Forced Landings...." he muttered, trying to remember the checks.....

 

..."I know" he thought "It will be quicker if I just ring Tubb and have a chat with him."

 

With that, Tomo got out his phone (which used the ring-tone "Those magnificent men etc") and called Tubb, who was in the jacuzi re-reading his posts about down-wind landings.

 

"Hey Turbs, how are you going, eh?" said Tomo "How about ducking down to CASA for me and getting the latest Regs about forced landings ... eh? ... and while you are there, find out about what section covers IMC in smoke for that toff, Longword ... eh? ..., and then also please do a quick word serach of the Regs for pussy, mouse and flying a drifter in a designated remote area with a 50 litre fuel tank and a cat that only has one eye .... eh? I'm at 9,800 ft so you have about 28 minutes to get back to me".

 

"No worries" replied Tubb "I'll .........

 

 

[turboplanner]

."Hey Turbs, how are you going, eh?" said Tomo "How about ducking down to CASA for me and getting the latest Regs about forced landings ... eh? ... and while you are there, find out about what section covers IMC in smoke for that toff, Longword ... eh? ..., and then also please do a quick word serach of the Regs for pussy, mouse and flying a drifter in a designated remote area with a 50 litre fuel tank and a cat that only has one eye .... eh? I'm at 9,800 ft so you have about 28 minutes to get back to me".

"No worries" replied Tubb "I'll .........

"... just finish my Chai" (he was working very hard to get into the Chardonnay end of recreational aviation, and was determined to get into the First Class Lounge)

 

"Nose down, get flying speed" he responded after looking up his VFG (the real one).

 

Tomo immediately put his chin on his chest. "It's not making any difference" he shrieked.

 

With that the Drifter's tail gently slid down and the aircraft rolled onto it's back then the nose pointed down and the countryside around Dalby negan to rotate, which is pretty hard to see because it doesn't have any features.

 

He was now in a classic spin.

 

"Hold on for a second, someone's at the front door" said Turbo

 

 

[Captain]

"... He was now in a classic spin.

..... and through Tomo's headset came the lilting tones of Chopin.

 

Which is an interesting result, as Tubb had crammed a Strauss LP (a big black flat 33 1/3 one) by the Vienna Philhamonic into his CD player ......... as Turbs had been on the turps and was having trouble matching the discs with the hardware with the software.

 

"Did someone call me?" asked Tzaikovslovak as I have classical good looks which puts Nanna into a spin and I have tuned my rivet holes to sound like the pipes-of-pan which is sure to get her knicker lacker loose.

 

"And it plays Led Zeppelin too when I chuck it into a tight 70 degree left turn and the aluminiminimiumiumin skin stretches so that the rivet holes elongate" he added "Do you want to see my ..........

 

 

[ahlocks]

...rendition of Oldfield's Tubular Bells?" as he reached for his knicker lacker padiwacker in anticipation...

 

=================

 

Is 'classic good looks' how one describes weather beaten and withered?

 

 

[Captain]

Is 'classic good looks' how one describes weather beaten and withered?

TECHNICAL CLARIFICATION ............

 

Yes Ahlow. It has been clearly established by responsible professionals, when using consenting adults, that the following comply with your above description of 'classic good looks':

 

AdminIan, Slartibuttplug, The Tuber-Planter, Ahlocks, Hidy Hody, El Crapper, Nanna, Ford Prefect, my Aunt's knicker lacker, and 68.39% of Forum Members.

 

Those that have 'mildly classic good looks' are GrandePierre, The Riverland Lass, my Aunt, and 10.456% of Forum Members.

 

Hope this helps, .... and now on with the Slander.

 

 

[ahlocks]

"Step, two three...step, two three.." Tubz quietly whispered as he waltzed toward the front door, his yuppy cuppa rhythmically sloshing in time with each step.

 

 

He noticed a slight vibration pattern developing :confused: across the surface of his cup of serenity as he reached for the door knob....

 

 

[turboplanner]

He noticed a slight vibration pattern developing :confused: across the surface of his cup of serenity as he reached for the door knob....

.....It was the CASA man.

 

"Thought I told you to sort those @#$*&"""" ~`$ (not you 2$)@()s out!" he yelled, so loudly that one of the neighbours thought it was a drug raid and called Channel Nine.

 

"I did, but the Lilo and Stitch of the aviation world thought they knew better than you" said Turbo, knowing he had injected just the right tone by the way the colour was moving up Boris's neck.

 

"Never mind" said Turbo, "Tomo showed me how to make a spud gun and I'm going to sit at the end of the strip and pop off anyone coming the wrong way"

 

"NO!" yelled Boris, "you can't do that, it would make you a terrorist. Where does this Tomo live? And what was that about flying in and out of trees?

 

"Dalby" said Turbo very quickly and it was apparent that this wouldn't be the end of it as far as Dot Dash is concerned.

 

"What's he up to now?" asked Boris

 

"Well right now he's 20 minutes into a forced landing and he wants to know what is the legal way to do it" replied Turbo.

 

A sneaky smile came across the face of the CASA man. "put him on then - we need to get him down safely so we can deal with these other donkeys" he said "I've got access to some combat materials"......

 

 

[ahlocks]

....Boris:question:...You'll have to speak up! yelled DotDash. "I can't hear you over the dacron flapping against the water pipe and the clown flying beside me, belting out a heap of noise on his aluminium bongo drum!.

 

"Heap of noise?!?! :ah_oh: " Scoffed McLovak "Bloody smooth skins have no appreciation of Oldfield's ground breaking hit (dirt dart reference) of years gone by."

 

Boris took a deep breath and yelled slowly into the phone.

 

"D O T D A S H ..... W A T C H O U T.... T H E Y ' R E .... S E T T I N G....

 

Y O U... U P.... F O R .... A ... G A G !!!!

 

Tubz reacted quickly......

 

 

[turboplanner]

".....STOP PULLING BACK ON THE STICK!". He knew better than to talk about the nose so he said "Stick forward, flying speed, aileron to centralise and pull her out gently" Dot Dash understood the cool calm professional advice that Turbo was giving him and the Drifter assuned normal flight.

 

"Who said they were hard to fly?" thought Turbo - you can fly them using a mobile phone!"......

 

 

[Tomo]

Can't get the brain thinking yet:yawn:, but bring it on fella's, it's going well:thumb_up:

 

Heading over to Clifton today, to learn how to fix me wing tip...!! and mice damage:thumb_up::thumb_up:

 

 

 

[hihosland]

“Oh my, Oh My Oh my!!!,

 

Just look at that flow” said Nana

 

“there’s flow enough to fill Bracksie’s pipe and the left overs could put the river back in Riverland.

 

I always did have a soft spot for one with a good flow.”

 

A which point Turbo’s phone plan did what phone plans do and dropped him mid stream thus severing contact with the horsepowerless, but mouse-power-enhanced Dacron and pipe land-dart to …………….

 

 

[Captain]

“Oh my, Oh My Oh my!!!, Just look at that flow” said Nana

 

“there’s flow enough to fill Bracksie’s pipe and the left overs could put the river back in Riverland.

 

I always did have a soft spot for one with a good flow.”

 

A which point Turbo’s phone plan did what phone plans do and dropped him mid stream thus severing contact with the horsepowerless, but mouse-power-enhanced Dacron and pipe land-dart to …………….

... continued downward as gravity intended.

 

"Maaaaaate" said Tomo "Hurry up with the instructions as I have just solo-ed and am used to turning base just after the cattle trough by that tree with the twig sticking out the top ... then I turn final just after the track next to Mick's shed, so how am I going to get this thing into a paddock .... eh? Best I say a little prayer to those 3 Qld deities, Joh, Wally & Alfie then I'll chant "Queenslander, Queenslander, Queenslander" which is sure to help".

 

But at that point Tomo's terrific training kicked in and he remembered to try an engine restart. He reached up to give the blue head a tug. "No thanks" said the Axe (which had a hole in No 2) in a thick Austrian accent "But I appreciate zee offer, so let's vait until vee are on zee ground and vee both haf our minds on zee job. (Not zat zer iss anyzing wrong with zat)"

 

"Hurry up Turbz" said Tomo into his NextG "The paddock is getting closer and if there were any hills within 200 kms, they would be alive with the sounds of ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"Hurry up Turbz" said Tomo into his NextG "The paddock is getting closer and if there were any hills within 200 kms, they would be alive with the sounds of ...............

 

"...Stockwhips, but the sound track to Man from Snowy River from the CD player of a Ford Territory is all I can hear below me."

 

Although this was Dalby, location of the ram with the biggest balls in world history, a mob of cattle came bursting out of the scrub and solved Dot Dash's excessive dive speed problem.

 

Artfully he spun the drifter in the same direction as the stampeding cattle, and extending both legs through what was left of the machine picked out two particularly big beasts running side by side and planted a size ten on each one - pretty much the same as landing an F15 on an aircraft carrier travelling at top speed.

 

But in his haste he hadn't seen the lipstick on the two bullocks.....

 

 

[Captain]

"...Stockwhips, but the sound track to Man from Snowy River from the CD player of a Ford Territory is all I can hear below me."

Although this was Dalby, location of the ram with the biggest balls in world history, a mob of cattle came bursting out of the scrub and solved Dot Dash's excessive dive speed problem.

 

Artfully he spun the drifter in the same direction as the stampeding cattle, and extending both legs through what was left of the machine picked out two particularly big beasts running side by side and planted a size ten on each one - pretty much the same as landing an F15 on an aircraft carrier travelling at top speed.

 

But in his haste he hadn't seen the lipstick on the two bullocks.....

"Erky Perky" he said. "I am sure glad I am not a heifer, for I am Tomo the homo ------- sapian from Cecil Plains and I ride bullocks for brecky, so put those lipsticks away, and that eyeshadow & rouge too, and act like proper blokey cattle".

 

However it dawned on Tomo that his situation of landing on the bullock's back was identical to what would have happened if he had landed on a conveyor belt over at one of the mines. "I'll never be able to take off again (or get my X-country endorsement either, eh?)" he sobbed "Unless I can .......

 

 

[hihosland]

............ persuade these beasts to stay in formation (aviation term) and out run that gender confused Longhorn (aviation term) steaming up behind with his flehmen display leaving no doubt as to his intention(s)

 

oh what I would give at this moment for a four stroked STOL ............

 

 

[Captain]

............ persuade these beasts to stay in formation (aviation term) and out run that gender confused Longhorn (aviation term) steaming up behind with his flehmen display leaving no doubt as to his intention(s) oh what I would give at this moment for a four stroked STOL ............

..... or even an STO would do, and I'll worry about the L later." he thunked to his-self "I wonder if STO's are immune to mice and lipstick?"

 

"They are" said McLockTsaikov.

 

"Where the stuff did you come from Goldie, and have you been watching my struggle all along for the last 27.89 minutes?" he asked "If so, why didn't you help out?"

 

"It was because I ..........

 

My Aunt wonders whether the lipstick is immune to the mice, when the plague is in full swing in the garden, and the mice are hungry.