The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..............typing at 130 words a minute, or ..............

.... dacious as that may seem to some, however the Tennessee-Turbine Business School (a JV where Tennessee were the smaller partner) had often achieved a higher standard .....

Edited November 4, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....while chewing gum.

Not many people know that the term "[pick your term] and chewing gum" originated from the Tennessee-Turbine Business School where a percentage of the prim ladies failed each year because they couldn't type and eat gum at the same time and left the school with sticky keyboards and ...........................

[Captain]

23 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....while chewing gum.

Not many people know that the term "[pick your term] and chewing gum" originated from the Tennessee-Turbine Business School where a percentage of the prim ladies failed each year because they couldn't type and eat gum at the same time and left the school with sticky keyboards and ...........................

..... wet .....

[Captain]

On 04/11/2023 at 6:42 PM, Captain said:

..... wet .....

..... left of centre conservative political views, caused by TTBS having retained Malcolm Turnbull to lecture on Pump-Storage Power Generation, hydrogen powered Drifters, the merits of the 22-250 cartridge for bunny busting, and the .....

[turboplanner]

..........benefits of having a leaderless country.

Malcolm also had a party trick where he mimiced Bob Hawke by drinking a glass of beer.

This so upset the rabid Left, that they.................

 

[Captain]

1 minute ago, turboplanner said:

..........benefits of having a leaderless country.

Malcolm also had a party trick where he mimiced Bob Hawke by drinking a glass of beer.

This so upset the rabid Left, that they.................

 

..... brought in a new misinformation law to penalize anyone not preaching the benefits of anything other than Chardonnay and Soy Chai Latte. 

 

After finishing his beer, Malcky again mimicked Bob Hawke by quoting his memorable America's Cup speech and said "Any person who forces redundancy on anybody today is a naughty bottom".

 

This really stirred up ......

[turboplanner]

.....Khyber community in Australia, and they started marching in the streets until their bus driving mates had formed into a convoy and they could be bussed around the city hurling half eaten curry pies out of the windows and yelling "Die! English Dogs!"  for the bottom was sacred to the Kyber people, and they had never forgotten the British soldiers yelling a taunt at them rhyming with Khyber Pass.

 

Although the descendents had been taught to revile this in school and could vusualise their poor soldiers, the Bussars as the news media called them were met by bewilderment "I never see this in Footascray before" one person said while being interviewed, "Wogs!" a Serbian yelled straight back at them. When they drove through the Vietnamese quarter, wet washing was thrown through the window at them, and when ............ 

[onetrack]

....they got to the Lebanese South Western Sydney suburbs, the bus was hijacked, the passengers all robbed at gunpoint, new plates and a new VIN were installed on the bus, the speedo was rejigged, and it was rebirthed as a 2019 model with low kms, for sale on Farcebook at an exceptionally good price, cash only.

 

The Khybers were stunned. They thought this kind of thing only happened in the high-altitude passes of Islaministan. "I guess we should consider ourselves lucky we weren't the victims of a bomb chucker!", one said, as they ruefully thought collectively about their fatal mistake of driving through South West Sydney after dark, without a 15-strong motorcycle escort armed with AK-47's, and blacked out windows.

 

"Don't worry", said their leader, Abdul-Hakim, "At least we've still got our sandals!" .... but no sooner had he spoken, than a......

 

 

Edited November 9, 2023 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

.......group of Sudanese, aged from 11 to 15 and all brandishing Machettes desecended on them and demanded their sandals. "Are thesed Nikes?" asked one. "Oh My Goodness, Yes!" replied a Khyber.

As they shuffled in bare feet along Springvale Road they began to feel more comfortable as the 30,000 Vietnamese, all with four jobs, so too busy making money fighting, ignored them.

They came to the Springvale Peace Bookshop, painted pastel blue with photos of happy families, all with beards. This should have been the warning sign, but in they trouped, desperate for a coffe and maybe a bit of a read. As they walked along the shelves the titles "How to live on nothing but sand", "When you get sand in your eye", "What is a Jihad?" "Beheading for the novice" started to ring bells and they had gone a hundred metres into the shop when they came to a sign "Student Radification Class Only", and it was only then that they saw ....................

[Captain]

..... a Mufti holding a gay pride flag. 

 

"G'day" he said "I'm Mufti the Poofti and welcome to my Student Radishification Class, where we examine the different types of radishes for cooking in caves in the mountains, and their effects on ......

[turboplanner]

.......the enemy. "We have discovered that if we pulp radishes and mix the pulp into spinach, the eater goes to sleep and it is much easier to behead them......Oh no, silly me, I meant head themto the beach.....beach head them.

 

But Turbo hadn't missed the strategy, and so Turbine Dog Training began training Kelpies as "personal Assistance" dogs. 

 

In this way they could be located on footpaths, in hospital and could be located inside McDonalds past the buffers to stop vehicles.

 

"I'm training a batch now" he told Cappy over a coffee. We'll put little pack saddles on their backs which carry 10 kg of HE. the detonators are radio-controlled, and Hydrogen powered.

 

"As you know, you can send a kelpie a kilometre away down the paddock and it will round up a mob of sheep, get them walking and shepherd them in any direction, so the handler just has to attract the attention of the Khybers, get them taking photos with their phones and pose for selfies so, that each group will bind itself into a tighter and tighter group. We'll need 16 dogs, and since a good farm boy can handle 8 Kelpies, two soldiers to whisle in a disguised fashion, perhaps with Taylor Swift songs."

 

"When we get them nicely grouped it's only a matter of pressing the FIRE button, and we'll neutralise all the Khybers at once" Turbo concluded.

 

"But .................................

 

 

Edited November 10, 2023 by turboplanner

[Captain]

13 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"But ...................

.... aren't kelpies just a little too hyperactive for a role such as this, after all they have been known to .....

[turboplanner]

......jump a 10 foot wall? asked OneTrack imperiously.

"Not when saddled with 10 kg of HE" relied Turbo soothingly.

The training went on, and the Kelpies were trained to look for the national costume of the Khybers.

The dogs did well in training, rounding up the group of paid volunteers dressed up as Khybers and using the guttural language of the Khyber. The ABC did a short story on these "Personal Assistance" dogs and recommended them to the hundred or so audience.

All too soon the day came to start eradicating the Kybers who'd become entrenched between the Sudanese gangs, the Palestinian demonstrators who looked remarkably like the Aborigines promoting The Voice, and failing to pay the Vietnamese Restaurants and were considered a nuisance.

Albo, astute as always, hopped on Australia One and walked the street with his arms around the Kybers, sang their songs, danced their dances, and promised them Queensland.

 

There was the sound of barking, growling, sniffing and yelping; two dozen saddled kelpies were trotting down the street towards the Khybers. In a fluid movement the dogs surrounded them and they reacted just like sheep and clumped in shoulder to shoulder. It was time to hit the button, but ...........

[Captain]

..... the "Kelpies are People Too" group (Kelpies are the K in the LMBTQPSK pressure group and political party) managed to obtain an injunction in the High Court on the basis that .....

[turboplanner]

........when the button was pressed the Kelpies would be blown up along with the Khybers.

 

This was countered by CT KC who pointed out to his learned friend that the Kelpies were separated from the HE by sturdy leather saddles.

 

The Judge was inclined to agree

 

However...................

 

 

 

[onetrack]

.....the final, excoriatingly painful ending to the Kelpie Suicide Pack Scheme (KSPS for short - and a natty, short acronym is always necessary for every programme devised) came when Turbo pressed the button - and the switch broke.

The simple reason behind the switch breakage was simply due to excessive enthusiasm on the part of one of the Turbine Inc accountants, who found he could save 3c on each switch purchased, if he went with a little-known Chinese switch-manufacturing operation, Fuk Yu Tu Manufacturing Enterprises.

It was a mind-numbing blow to the KSPS programme when it was found, that not just a few switches broke, when tested - EVERY switch broke, when tested. Turbo was furious and demanded that.........

[turboplanner]

......he get his money back.

 

"OK, give money back; here your ten cents" said the CEO of FYT

 

And yet again, this time in Australia the Khybers had escaped and headed for ...........

Edited November 11, 2023 by turboplanner

[Captain]

17 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......he get his money back.

 

"OK, give money back; here your ten cents" said the CEO of FYT

 

And yet again, this time in Australia the Khybers had escaped and headed for ...........

.... the hills, where they were confident that they would feel at home.

 

Some went up into the Great Dividing Range near DG and others headed for Bathurst where they planned to assimilate by entering a Kelpie themed Merc in next year's 12 Hour.

 

Everyone went ,"Ohhhh & Ahhhh, thinking that this would be cute, a bit like the Red Dog moving picture, except that the Khyber Kelpie image on the Merc was wearing an explosive vest and a ......

[turboplanner]

.....pizzle guard to prevent any accidents.

This brought ASIO into the picture with ....................

[onetrack]

.......the positioning of spies close to the Khyber leaders homes. The spies soon reported back that sheep were also needed, because anytime the spies went near the Khybers homes on spying missions, the Kelpies raced out and rounded them up, thus seriously compromising their position.

 

Very soon, a semi-trailer load of Merinos arrived at the spies designated unloading location, and then came the problem of......

[turboplanner]

.......explaining why there were all these sheep in cattle country. 
The Khybers.....

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

.......explaining why there were all these sheep in cattle country. 
The Khybers.....

....., however, "Khyber Kelpies" was going from strength to strength by winning prizes at the Sydney and Melbourne Royal + also at the Henty Field Days, and using the below promo photo.

 

But the sheep in cattle country issue continued to be a bug bear and was ....

Edited November 12, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....a problem until Turbo bought all the cattle and transferred the to the original Rodds Bay cat farm where he’d had to buy 2000 hectares of surrounding land to avoid complaints from residents

 

The following week when Aptir Poong, the leading trouble maker of the Khybers asked “why are you having ships in Cattle country?”, Turbo just replied “What cattle?”

 

There was one more problem to be overcome .......

 

 

[Captain]

...... which was ......

 

Poor Cappy's long & detailed & attempted humour laden response went missing due to his crappy internet out here in the Atlantic, so he sadly reverted to the above.

[turboplanner]

........feeding the sheep. 
He’d made the mistake of thinking city people knew about farms, but when the Feeder asked “How many lattes?”

he knew there was a problem. It was when Turbo probed “One of them’s having a birthday” and a cake came back with candles on it.

 

The paper looks wet; are you sure there isn’t a leak?