The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

He didn't have to say any more; Tasmanians have a memory that rewinds every 20 seconds and their thoughts had now turned to ..................

..... whether continental drift would make Strahan a suburb of Port Phillip Bay, right next to Brighton, and Zeehan an exclusive area just up market & to the left of the Mornington Peninsular.

 

As Turbo has so famously observed, "Better that it is Tasmania, than New Zulund".

 

bull's Chandelioer Emporium was selling to almost every Tasmanian as they built houses that look like a Griffith Pot Grower's Mansion, ready to take on the flash joints around Brighton, and his other business, bull's Italian Look 3 Stories Tall Immitation Granite Columns Pty Ltd (b'sIL3STIGCPL) was constantly sold out as Tasmanians embraced lifting their houses (A la Griffith) and adding 2 besser brick stories down below.

 

bull's House Lifters Inc was also doing well ........ all in preparation for Tazzy to bump into Vicmanistan ready for bull and Turbo to then be neighbours and able to play golf together in a 3-some with Dan at .......

Edited November 24, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........the Royal Brahton Golf Club Inc. Est. 1896 which was so exclusive that the address was never published. Turbine Entertainments Inc had capitalised on this by prominently advertising the address of their "Royal Brahton!", a nightclub built on three blocks incorporating two triple fronts, a Granny Flat and an old Scout Hall. They never had to pay for food or liquor supplies because so much was delivered there by mistake. 

When Tasmania finally bumped into the Great State of Victoria, which was now Danless, Clueless, and running up a debt the size of Cappy's Gin account, The Shooters Party (I shoot and I vote), the Fishers Party (I Fish and I Vote) and the Extreme Right Hitler Youth (I don't vote) formed a Militia to defend Victoria from all the heads bobbing up and down as Tasmanians surveyed what they thought was their new territory.

 

Armed only with fish hooks, The Fisher Party could only ...............

[Captain]

...... rig them, longline fashion, across The Rip and hope to snag The Nut as it came through.

 

Tasmanians, being ever resourceful people almost turned the theory of plate techtonics around when they realised how hot it is (temperature-wise, not chicks-wise) up on the main island.

 

"We prefer it sleeting all the time, and blowing like billy-oh" they said.

 

But then they noticed the 56,000 hooks, each one ....... 

Edited November 25, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....metre long and cleverly camouflaged by King Island Seaweed, imported to Victoria by KI TurboKelp Pty Ltd with the barb sticking up at about nut level for anyone turning around and lowering himself from the boat.

 

There was a second row around Victoria consisting of people in brown shirts and shorts, long brown socks and tan boots and like mermaids, hissing "Come on Nutheads, Try it on!"

 

2000 Tasmanians died that day, groined by fish hooks as they slid down the gunwhales and were used as bait by the Fishers Party who sold the flake they caught to fish and chip shops up the east coast of Australia. It was the best fundraiser they'd ever had.

 

Distracted by the screams of pain, the rest of the Tasmanians charged up the beach where they were mowed down by the 50 cals of the snipers sitting in sun lounges on the penthouse decks of the rish and famous Victorians like CT who was popping away with them on his 222 Brno.

 

It was all over by nightfall and the next day Victorians with their dogs or children walked around the beaches of Tasmania.

 

"It's SMALL!!" said Mavis who'd driven down from Gumly Gmly in her new Fiat 500 Abarth.

 

"What were those things roaring out in the middle during the night? asked ...............

 

 

 

[Captain]

12 hours ago, turboplanner said:

beach where they were mowed down by the 50 cals of the snipers sitting in sun lounges on the penthouse decks of the rish and famous Victorians like CT who was popping away with them on his 222 Brno.

 

THIS IS VITAL INFO FOR ALL NESERS as it is the 1st time that it has been confirmed that while CT projects a country DG type bunny busting image of the lovable farmer/rabbit harvester, he does maintain a seedy seaside Penthouse valued in the $ multi-millions.

 

It is suspected that this has been purchased using black money earnt by his smuggling operations through his 100%, yet disguised, ownership of DG International Airport and Space Centre.

 

Could CT be the Aussie equivalent as Sam Bankman-Fried. If so, CT is a real CT.

 

More news to come as  investigations continue.

[Captain]

13 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....metre long and cleverly camouflaged by King Island Seaweed, imported to Victoria by KI TurboKelp Pty Ltd with the barb sticking up at about nut level for anyone turning around and lowering himself from the boat.

 

There was a second row around Victoria consisting of people in brown shirts and shorts, long brown socks and tan boots and like mermaids, hissing "Come on Nutheads, Try it on!"

 

2000 Tasmanians died that day, groined by fish hooks as they slid down the gunwhales and were used as bait by the Fishers Party who sold the flake they caught to fish and chip shops up the east coast of Australia. It was the best fundraiser they'd ever had.

 

Distracted by the screams of pain, the rest of the Tasmanians charged up the beach where they were mowed down by the 50 cals of the snipers sitting in sun lounges on the penthouse decks of the rish and famous Victorians like CT who was popping away with them on his 222 Brno.

 

It was all over by nightfall and the next day Victorians with their dogs or children walked around the beaches of Tasmania.

 

"It's SMALL!!" said Mavis who'd driven down from Gumly Gmly in her new Fiat 500 Abarth.

 

"What were those things roaring out in the middle during the night? asked ...............

 

 

 

.... Mavis.

 

"Those were the feared, inbred, and seldom seen Tazzy "West Coasters" who have not seen the sun since 1942 and they were chanting in their coven, in fear of the coming dawn." responded bull, while trying not to appear to be one of them.

 

The new location of Tasmania threw the AFL into confusion and whoever is the new Gill (Craig?) McLaughlin /Andrew Demetriou clone said the following about the new team ".........

Edited November 25, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......Now that they have come to us we'll have to think up a new name."

The New Person (NP) continued "Perhps they could be called the South Melbourners or the Port Phillip Bayers or maybe the Bass Straighteners" The football community collectively cringed at this and quite a few disparaging remarks were made on both the MSM and SM and X.

 

The "West Coasters" had all bought phones now they could get coverage and were quietly reading all this; taking it all in.

 

As a matter of academic interest, these were all axemen with arms the size of Cappy's thighs. Turbo got to know them well when he was racing against them. They were very fair if you didn't get in front of them.

 

On the way up to an Australian Championship in Newcastle one year, they'd camped under the cars somewhere in NSW and in the morning trooped into the local cafe and orders steaks and eggs. The cafe proprietor had to get the butcher up because their order was for three steaks each and there were twelve of them plus the wives and squeezes.

 

They'd gone to the back of the cafe because the dim light there felt like home.

 

While they were waiting, a couple came in and sat down at the front booth. The husband started abusing his wife.

 

Eventually the meals arrived and they started wolfing it down. The noise from the front booth increased and the husband threw a punch at his wife.

 

"Chip" (not his real name) slowly put down his knife and fork and with a resigned shrug got up, walked up to the front booth, picked the husband up by the collar in one hand and gave him a whack with the other that sent him across the footpath. He never came back.

 

On another occasion Chip had decided axe work was getting too hard, so went and bought himself one of those Chain Saws. He took it back and said "This thing doesn't work, it's useless; slower than an axe!"

 

The dealer checked the fuel, primed it, pulled the cord and it started with a "RRRRP!...RRRRRP!...RRRRR!" 

"Is that what you have to do" said Chip.

 

The WCs..................................

 

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

On another occasion Chip had decided axe work was getting too hard, so went and bought himself one of those Chain Saws. He took it back and said "This thing doesn't work, it's useless; slower than an axe!"

 

The dealer checked the fuel, primed it, pulled the cord and it started with a "RRRRP!...RRRRRP!...RRRRR!" 

"Is that what you have to do"

 

Cappy got to know Chip quite well when he was down on the west coast salting the Henty Gold Mine, just north of Queenstown.

 

Chip told Cappy that story but varied it slightly ...... in that he said to the Stihl dealer, "That chainsaw is useless. I have cut down 3 huge Huon Pines and it is slower than using an axe."

 

The dealer started the chainsaw to test what was wrong and it went RRP, RRRP etc after which Chip said "What's that noise?"

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The WCs......................

... had all been picked up in the draft for the new Tazzy team and they were like west coast south islander Kiwis on the Rugby field, in that if you didn't knock your opponent out before quater time, your weren't trying hard enough and the Coach gave you a clipping.

 

It was training on Tuesday nights so the WC's all put on their gum boots and .....

[turboplanner]

.....practised kicking a...................................

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....practised kicking a...................................

..... la the women's .....

[turboplanner]

.....Tasmanian and Islands Tigers. What a savage bunch they were with blood flowing even in the weekly practice sessions. They were good looking girls too especially Mick, Jack, Wally and Fred.

It was said that a Tasmanian and Islands Tiger could kick ......................... 

 

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....Tasmanian and Islands Tigers. What a savage bunch they were with blood flowing even in the weekly practice sessions. They were good looking girls too especially Mick, Jack, Wally and Fred.

It was said that a Tasmanian and Islands Tiger could kick ......................... 

 

...... harder than a mule, further than Tony Locket and more accurately that CT's head shots.

 

The T&ITs, as a collective, also had pretty nice sets of .......

Edited November 26, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

 ......... dinner plates, soup plates, dessert plates, bread and butter plates, cake plates, and cutlery in such numbers that would confuse the First Lord of the Admiralty.

 

As we know, Tasmanians still set the table in the British Raj layout, and .....

[Captain]

11 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

 ......... dinner plates, soup plates, dessert plates, bread and butter plates, cake plates, and cutlery in such numbers that would confuse the First Lord of the Admiralty.

 

As we know, Tasmanians still set the table in the British Raj layout, and .....

.... they even put the desert spoons across the top of the setting.

 

As we all know, the June Daly Whatbine School of Deportment (owned by Turbine Industries since 1998) demands that ......

Edited November 26, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....girls learn to walk with three books on their heads and the T&IT asked the High Court to rule on........................

 

 

[onetrack]

......whether they could call themselves genderless, and to rule that two heads wasn't an unfair advantage in their games.

 

After all, they argued, with the T&IT's all possessing two heads, in common with many Taswegians, it was simply twice as many heads for their opponents to elbow or kick, as compared to any other team.

 

The learned judges retired to their chambers to weigh up the potential team gains of having two heads, as compared to having single-headed players, and whether that feature outweighed the oppositions gains in having twice as many T&IT heads to kick.

 

After 29 weeks of deliberation and a 1786 page judgement that took 18 days to read - let alone understand - the judgement was delivered in a 4 hr 50min speech by the Chief Justice, which speech was punctuated with.........

[Captain]

..... cries of "Shame" from the mono-heads in the gallery, which the duo-heads matched with " Disgraceful Disgraceful ", but everyone was shocked when a couple of dick-heads called "......

[turboplanner]

.........it didn't go far enough, and wold be finished before it started.

The High Court deliberated for sixteen months and then reconvened and said they woud provide an answer in a couple of years, but in the meantine everyone could play football.

There was futher uproar as the......................................................................

[Captain]

28 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.........it didn't go far enough, and wold be finished before it started.

The High Court deliberated for sixteen months and then reconvened and said they woud provide an answer in a couple of years, but in the meantine everyone could play football.

There was futher uproar as the......................................................................

...... wait had caused a fair bit of friction, even within the same family ..... and even within the same body, resulting in 12 of the duo-heads deciding to separate and make their own 24 man/lady/them/they/it team.

 

Fortunately Turbine Surgery and Chainsaws PLC were able to offer a special bulk billing package deal with just an overnight stay in the Turbine Sunny Glade Daycare Centre, and after putting on 2 pairs of Bose noise cancelling headphones ..... then seeing the blue smoke, the result was ........

[turboplanner]

.....spectacular. They now had AI-Enhanced (AIE) stereoscopic vision.

A mini HUD [avref] display had been implanted in one of the four eyes and this showed where the ball was ("your six o'clock" etc) how far way it was (less running if it was coming your way) and where you had to stand for it to drop into your hands (Turbine had offered a fourhand package for an extra $285,000 pp, but this was rejected - they just wanted a fair go).

This group called themselves the Tasmanian Devils, an emotional but now inaccurate description since the minute Tasmania docked with Victoria they'd jumped off and could now be heard humping and spitting at night in places like Logan.

The first match at the MCG was won by the Tasmanian Devils 48 to 24 and it was noted by some commentators that the ball seemed to come directly to their hands and they had an uncanny ability to predict where it would go. Of course Victoria had strict Diversity rules so things like heads couldn't be referred to. The commentators had to resort to diversions like "he needed two haircuts to get that one", and soon there was ...................

Edited November 27, 2023 by turboplanner

[Captain]

...... a "Tazzy Devils for Palestine" group, who marched down Swanson St after the footy doing Yassa Crackafat & Dan Andrews impressions (they are very similar), and climbing up on every statue so that they could .....

[turboplanner]

........double-spit on the good burghers of Melbourne.  Their early support encouraged them to keep marching and climbing until they reached Lygon St and climbed on the Statue of Franco Cozzo who is famous for advertising his hideous furniture in what he called Foot-escray. At the first spit 50 Italian Latte Joint bodyguards, whose job was normally to throw you out if you used a knife on spaghetti, descended on the Tasmanian Devils who started to run, but were easily identified by their pale skin. Unforunately those who hadn't already been beaten up or shot or knifed strayed into the Lebanese section where they were ..........................

[bull]

46 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........double-spit on the good burghers of Melbourne.  Their early support encouraged them to keep marching and climbing until they reached Lygon St and climbed on the Statue of Franco Cozzo who is famous for advertising his hideous furniture in what he called Foot-escray. At the first spit 50 Italian Latte Joint bodyguards, whose job was normally to throw you out if you used a knife on spaghetti, descended on the Tasmanian Devils who started to run, but were easily identified by their pale skin. Unforunately those who hadn't already been beaten up or shot or knifed strayed into the Lebanese section where they were ..........................

found to be great kabab materiel and the.....................

[Captain]

34 minutes ago, bull said:

found to be great kabab materiel and the.....................

..... salad on the kabab was made from their ......